Tattered and Torn

Harry's face was pale and streaked with tears as he looked up at the little building, into which people were slowly trickling. He didn't recognise most of them...but then, in his state, he doubted if he'd recognise the most familiar people in the world. All the people coming in wore all black, including Harry and Hermione.

A man stood just inside the door as Harry and Hermione came in, wearing flowing black robes and a black stole. He shook their hands gravely, then waved them into the building. Once inside, they stopped uncertainly, not knowing quite what to do.

Suddenly Lily appeared next to them, wearing a black dress, her face pale and drawn as well. She managed a small smile. "I'm glad...glad you two could make it," she croaked. "Come on, you two will be sitting up here..."

She steered Harry and Hermione to the front of the church and gestured to the front pew on the left side. "Reserved for the family," she said quietly. "You two...you especially, Harry...you're the only family he had." Lily hesitated, then glanced up at the front, where an open coffin sat. "If you wanted to say goodbye...to see him one more time...now is your chance. They're going to close it once the service starts."

Harry stepped forward slowly, a strange feeling in his stomach, and looked down into the casket. Remus looked much as Harry had last seen him, except that his hands were folded over his stomach and someone had patched a tear in his coat. Harry's hand shook slightly as he gently brushed Remus's face, then turned away, blinking back tears, and joined Hermione in the front pew. She squeezed his hand lightly as he sat down.

Together, the two watched as several people who had known Remus--people in the Order, mostly, as well as a few of his friends from Hogwarts--walked up and dropped a flower into the casket or just looked down at Remus's still form, then took a seat somewhere in the congregation. Harry noticed a few of his classmates from Hogwarts, students who remembered Remus's classes and wanted to say goodbye. After a couple minutes, he reverted his gaze from the coffin and the parade of people and pretended to be deeply interested in the bulletin with the order of the service.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around. Three of the Weasleys--Ron, Ginny, and George--had come in without Harry's realising it; Ron had been the one to put his hand on Harry's shoulder. He offered his friend a sad smile. "Sorry about what happened, mate," he said softly. "He was a good guy."

Harry managed a small smile. "Thanks, Ron."

"I mean it." Ron withdrew his hand and sat back against the pew. Harry turned back to face the front of the church.

After a while, everyone sat down. Lily walked up to the front of the church and sat down at the black piano, raised the lid, and waited patiently. The black-robed man approached the front of the church, along with two other men in black suits. Together, the two men closed the coffin lid, then stepped back. The robed man took his place behind the pulpit; Harry realised he must be the pastor.

Looking around the suddenly silent room, the man intoned, "Jesus said, I am the resurrection and I am the life. Those who believe in me, even though they die, yet shall they live, and whoever lives and believes in me shall never die. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. I died, and behold I am alive for evermore, and I hold the keys of hell and death. Because I live, you shall live also."

The pastor looked down at the pulpit, then continued. "Friends, we have gathered here to praise God and to witness to our faith as we celebrate the life of Remus John Lupin. We come together in grief, acknowledging our human loss. May God grant us grace, that in pain we may find comfort, in sorrow hope, in death resurrection."

Harry swallowed hard; this was a lot more difficult than he had thought it would be. The pastor nodded to the two men in black suits, who placed a black velvet cloth over the coffin as the pastor spoke again. "Dying, Christ destroyed our death. Rising, Christ restored our life. Christ will come again in glory. As in baptism Remus put on Christ, so in Christ may Remus be clothed with glory. Here and now, dear friends, we are God's children. What we shall be has not yet been revealed; but we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Those who have this hope purify themselves as Christ is pure."

As he finished, the two men stepped away from the coffin, walked into the congregation, and took their seats somewhere. The pastor looked around the room again. "If you will please turn in your hymnals to page 451...may we stand as we sing together."

Harry rose to his feet along with the rest of the congregation as Lily began to play the tune; he flipped through the hymnal, found the song, and his breath solidified into pure pain. The song had always been one of his favourite hymns...and Remus's. Harry's voice trembled as he joined the congregation. "Be thou my vision, O Lord of my heart..."

Hermione slipped her arm around Harry's waist as they sang together, finally ending with, "Still be my vision, O Ruler of all." With that, Lily removed her hands from the piano and looked up at the pastor; the congregation resumed their seats.

"If you will please turn to page 870 of your hymnals," the pastor said. Harry, who had just put the hymnal back in the rack in front of him, immediately picked it up and flipped to the page as instructed. His chest constricted again as he saw the large words at the top: A SERVICE OF DEATH AND RESURRECTION.

The pastor looked around the room. "The Lord be with you."

"And also with you," the congregation--or most of it anyway--responded. Harry, looking down, realised how the prayer worked--the pastor read the fine print, the congregation read the bold.

"Let us pray," said the pastor.

Harry took a deep breath and joined the congregation. "O God, who gave us birth, you are ever more than ready to hear than we are to pray. You know our needs before we ask, and our ignorance in asking. Give to us now your grace, that as we shrink before the mystery of death, we may see the light of eternity. Speak to us once more your solemn message of life and of death. Help us to live as those who are prepared to die. And when our days here are accomplished, enable us to die as those who go forth to live, so that living or dying, our life may be in you, and that nothing in life or death will be able to separate us from your great love in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen."

Harry turned the page and discovered almost an entire page of bold print, but to his surprise the pastor skipped right over it and progressed to the bottom of the page. "Who is in a position to condemn? Only Christ, Christ who died for us, who rose for us, who reigns at God's right hand and prays for us. Thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ."

Harry took another deep breath, preparing to do the psalm at the top of the next page, but instead the pastor said, "Our Old Testament lesson comes to us from Psalms the twenty-third chapter, verses one through six." He opened a Bible and began to read. "The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

Harry closed his eyes and joined in softly as the pastor continued. "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; thou annointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever."

"Amen," chorused the congregation.

Someone in a black suit, a man Harry didn't know at all, stood up behind a pulpit on the opposite side of the altar from the pastor. He, too, opened a Bible. "Our New Testament lesson is...well, it's not what I would usually choose for a funeral, but I suppose it fits if you really think about it." Harry noticed Lily roll her eyes slightly. "Our New Testament lesson comes from First Corinthians, chapter thirteen, beginning with the first verse. I will be reading from the Revised Standard version, so what I read may be slightly different from what is written in your pew Bibles, but..."

"Just get on with it, Ken," Lily said from behind him. There was a brief chuckle from the congregation, though it didn't last very long because you're supposed to be serious at a funeral.

The man--Ken, Harry supposed--looked a little offended, but he began. "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends; as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For our knowledge is imperfect and our prophecy is imperfect; but when the perfect comes, the imperfect will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall understand fully, even as I have been fully understood. So faith, hope, love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." Ken looked around the room. "This is the Word of God, for the People of God."

Harry swallowed hard, blinking back tears, as the congregation answered, "Thanks be to God."

Ken stepped down and took his seat. The pastor stood again and scanned the congregation. "Today," he said solemnly, "we gather together to celebrate the life and mourn the passing of Remus John Lupin." Harry choked back a sob; Hermione squeezed his hand again.

"I understand that many of you knew this man," the pastor continued, gesturing to the coffin--just in case, Harry thought, anyone in the room didn't know that Remus was the man in the box under the pall. Again he blinked back tears as the pastor went on. "Many of you have words you would like to say, have your own memories of him, your own experiences...and your own private grief. From the number of faces in this room, I can see that if everyone was allowed to speak his or her piece, we'd be here all night. While that might not be a bad thing necessarily, I did compile a list of the people who asked to speak at this point in the service. I apologise to the rest of you." He looked down at his list, then looked up. "First, I would like to ask Nymphadora Tonks to say a few words."

Harry was mildly surprised as Tonks walked by. Her hair, typically set in luridly coloured spikes, looked...well, normal. It was mousy brown in colour and hung loosely around her shoulders. She looked awful, dismayed and dispirited. Someone handed her a microphone; at first she looked a little uncomfortable, but then she began to speak.

"I met Remus my first day at school," she began. "Pretty much the second I sat down to eat, actually. I was trying to get my older cousin's attention, but he was busy talking to his best friend. Before I could try again, this nice young man leaned across the table and told me not to bother, that Sirius would talk James's ear off, then turn to me." There was a bit of a chuckle from the congregation. "I started talking to him and discovered that he was a nice sort all around. He helped me with my homework--a lot--pretty much every time I had a question, all I had to do was ask him and he'd know it. Sirius used to tease him a lot about being a bookworm, but he always took it in stride. Half the time he'd turn around and throw it back in his face." Tonks's voice began to shake a little. "I remember once, the night before he graduated...I told Remus what I wanted to be when I grew up. He told me to go for it, that he was sure I could do it, and that he'd be sure to show up for the ceremony when I got accepted." She chuckled lightly. "He did, too...I finally qualified for the job I'd always wanted two years ago. He was right there, sitting in the back, applauding along with everyone else as I accepted the position. It meant the world to me that he'd kept a promise he'd made almost twenty years before. He was a wonderful person and...I'm really going to miss him." With that, she handed the microphone back to whoever it was and took her seat. Most people clapped.

A few more people got up to talk--classmates, members of the Order, a couple of students. After a while, the pastor scanned the congregation once more. "Harry Potter?"

Harry took a deep breath to calm himself down enough that he could speak, then slowly rose to his feet and walked to the front of the church. He took the microphone that was handed to him and looked around the sanctuary. At first he wasn't sure he'd be able to speak, but then in the back of the church he saw a pair of encouraging blue eyes behind half-moon spectacles and managed to find the courage to speak.

"The first time I met Remus--the first time I remember, anyway--I was on my way to my third year at my secondary school," he said slowly. "He was our newest teacher and...well, he pulled me out of a bit of a tight corner. Over that year, I found that I could talk to him about pretty much whatever was bothering me, be it schoolwork or my friends or another teacher. He never once said he was too busy to talk, and more importantly he was never too busy to listen." Harry's voice, which had been a little shaky from the beginning, was now wavering madly. "I guess, in the short year he taught there, we got pretty close. I was fairly upset when he left. Last year, I saw him again for the first time in a year...he looked a lot different, but really he hadn't changed. He was still...he was still pretty much the same person he had been when I first met him. The two of us...and my godfather...became something like...well, almost like a family." He blinked back a couple of stubborn tears and tried his best to continue without breaking down sobbing. "When my godfather died...we tried to help each other get through it. We tried to be there for each other...and I guess it worked. He meant a lot to me...and I'm going to miss him more than I thought I would." With that, Harry's voice failed him; he could speak no more. Silently, he handed back the microphone and resumed his seat. Hermione gave him a bit of a hug; Ron put his hand on Harry's shoulder from behind again.

The pastor looked down at his list. "And last but not least...Tiz--er, I mean, Lily Potter would like to say a few words."

There was a bit of a murmur; obviously the news that Harry's parents were still alive had not quite spread through the wizarding world. Lily stood, pushed a strand of ruddy hair behind her ear, and took the microphone as everyone before her had.

"Remus and I met the first day of classes," she said, her voice clear and ringing through the church, "and it was completely by accident. Literally. I can't swear with absolute certainty that I didn't trip over my shoelace, as James and Sirius always claimed I did, but I'm pretty sure I was wearing loafers." Another laugh rippled through the congregation. "Anyway, my books fell out of my bag and spilled all over the place. Remus helped me pick them up and asked me if I was okay, then held the door so I could get into the classroom. Unlike his friends, Remus kept his manners with him at all times...I think his friends were in the habit of leaving them under their pillows or something." The congregation laughed again; even Harry managed a very small half-smile. "He and I did our homework together from time to time--he helped me with what I needed help with and I helped him with what he needed help with. We got along really well...better than I did with his other friends, anyway. I walked in on him playing the piano one day--bet you people didn't know he played, huh?--and he taught me how. He was the one who introduced me to James Potter and Sirius Black...and he was the one who finally managed to convince me that they weren't complete morons. It's thanks to Remus that I agreed to go on a date with James Potter...and in a way, it's thanks to Remus that James and I were married two years later." She paused briefly, looked over at Harry, and offered him a brief smile before returning to the sanctuary at large. "As many of you doubtless know, a traumatic event led to me cutting myself off from most of the rest of the world, including my past. It was Remus who found me, three weeks ago, and pulled me out of the funk I had let myself settle into in the last fifteen years. And it was Remus who re-introduced me to my son." Her voice hitched slightly. "Not a day has gone by since I met him that I regretted being his friend, and I'm glad to have known him. I know he'll be sorely missed." She replaced the microphone, then returned to the piano.

Harry blinked back his tears yet again as the pastor instructed the congregation to open their hymnals to 707. Struggling to remain calm, Harry rose to his feet once more and sang in a quavering voice. "In the bulb, there is a flower; in the seed, an apple tree..."

Hermione had her arm around Harry, offering him strength and support. He was glad she was there, just as he was glad Ron stood right behind him; he really needed his friends right then. The hymn concluded, but before they could sit down, the pastor said, "Now in the company of the Children of God let us affirm our faith." Everyone immediately looked up towards the large, wooden cross hanging on the back of the church and repeated one of the creeds. Once they had finished that, they were permitted to sit.

The pastor bowed his head. "Into your hands, O merciful Saviour, we commend your servant Remus Lupin," he intoned. "Acknowledge, we humbly beseech you, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Receive Remus into the arms of your mercy, into the blessed rest of everlasting peace, and into the glorious company of the saints of light."

"Amen," responded the congregation. Harry softly murmured "amen" after them.

The pastor apparently wasn't done praying. "God of love, we thank you for all with which you have blessed us even to this day: for the gift of joy in days of health and strength, and for the gifts of your abiding presence and promise in days of pain and grief." Harry squeezed his eyes tightly shut to stem the flow of tears at those words. "We praise you for home and friends, and for our baptism and place in your church with all who have faithfully lived and died. Above all else we thank you for Jesus, who knew our griefs, who died our death and rose for our sake, and who lives and prays for us. And as he taught us, so now we pray."

Harry was a bit startled as everyone began repeating the Lord's Prayer; after a second, however, he joined in. "Amen."

The pastor flipped his hymnal again. "I'd like you to turn now in your hymnals to page eighty-nine, page eighty-nine."

Eighty-nine, Harry discovered, was "Joyful, Joyful, We Adore Thee". He wasn't one hundred percent certain it was appropriate for a funeral, but he sang along anyway...or at least he tried to. He was crying--he couldn't stop--and it turned out he wasn't the only one. Most people were.

When the hymn concluded on a triumphant note, the pastor stepped forward. "And now may the Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you, may the Lord lift up his countenance upon you, and give you peace. Amen."

Lily played some sort of solemn recessional...and that was it. The funeral was over.

~~~

The graveside service was considerably less formal. The coffin was lowered into the ground and covered with dirt; the pastor said something about returning to the dust, and it was over. Most of the attendees began drifting away. Harry, however, remained where he was, staring at the mound of earth covering the man he'd come to care about so much.

Hermione moved away, assuming he needed some time alone, but he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. Looking up, he met his own green eyes and blinked at Lily. Harry hadn't done much bonding with his parents--he'd been too concerned about Remus--but in his mother's face he saw all the loneliness and despair he himself felt so deeply. He saw sorrow for Remus...and oddly enough, concern for Harry.

Harry had dreamed of being with his parents a thousand times, in a thousand different situations, but never had he prepared himself for what he did next. He suddenly wrapped his arms around his mother's waist and began sobbing.

Lily hugged her son tightly, crying as well. She had imagined Harry so many times over the years that she had almost lost sight of where the dream ended and the reality began. But she knew this was real. Her son's grief was raw and unchecked; he was scared and hurt and lonely. In that instant she truly was Harry's mother, he was her little boy. Together they cried, mourning the man who had brought them together, the teen Lily had befriended and the man Harry had loved.

When both had cried themselves dry, Lily pulled back a little and smoothed her son's hair lovingly back from his face. "It's over now, son," she whispered, kissing him gently on the forehead. "It's time to go home."