Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

I loved them both. I always will. Nothing could have ever changed that.

Got a date a week from Friday with a preacher's son

Everybody says he's crazy

I'll have to see

So many people were sure I was madly in love with one, or that I would wind up with the other...but that just isn't true. I could never imagine my life without both of them in it--not married to one or the other, but happily existing with both of them by my side. They were my best friends, the two people I was closest to, the only people who could get me laughing when I wanted to cry. I loved them for that.

That's why I've sworn off guys, why I declared to the world that I would never date, never marry, never fall in love again. It isn't because one of them hurt me, or because someone else hurt me, or because I could never have chosen one over the other. But it is because of them.

I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came

I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves

When I told my mother I didn't want to date or marry or fall in love again, she nodded, but did ask why. I couldn't talk to her--I never could--so I just told her it was because of them. However, I'd forgotten about my cousin Connor, who was also in the room.

Connor has always been sort of like my big brother, very overprotective of me, and when he heard me say that it was because of them he flew off the handle. "Where are they? Let me at 'em! I'll kill 'em!"

I felt tears come into my eyes when he said that. I beckoned to him, indicating that he should follow me, and led him down the street.

I'm probably going on and on

It seems I'm doing more of that these days

It wasn't a long walk to where I was taking him: a small, quiet cemetery near a little community called Godric's Hollow. Or maybe it just didn't seem that long to me; I don't know. Connor looked a little uncomfortable as I touched the gates. "I don't know...if they're mourning, if they're grieving, I don't want to disturb them..."

"They aren't," I told him quietly, swinging open the iron gate. Or maybe they were; I don't know.

I led Connor up the hill to a small cluster of graves and pointed. Some tombstones seemed more newly made than others. A double headstone read POTTER, JAMES AND LILY. Next to them was a stone with a dog carved on it, SACRED TO THE MEMORY OF SIRIUS BLACK. Next to that one was an even newer tombstone, REMUS JOHN LUPIN.

The ones I pointed out were on the left of the double headstone, opposite the two singles. These, like Lupin's, were almost brand-new.

Carved into the one on the far left were the words: RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY. MARCH 1, 1980-JUNE 27, 1998. THOUGH LOST TO SIGHT, TO MEMORY DEAR. Beneath them was carved, in relief, a simple thistle.

In between that one and the double headstone was another new one: HARRY JAMES POTTER. JULY 31, 1980-JUNE 27, 1998. THE BOY-WHO-LIVED. THE MAN-WHO-WON. A lightning bolt was carved underneath them.

I gazed at those stones--the final resting place of my two best friends--and broke down sobbing.

I probably wouldn't be this way

I probably wouldn't hurt so bad

I never pictured every minute without you in it

Oh you left so fast

Connor held me and stroked my hair. "Aw, 'Mione, don't cry," he soothed me. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have got so angry...is this what you meant when you said..."

I nodded, still crying too hard to speak. Once I managed to get control of myself, at least a little, I choked out, "I a-always thought...thought we'd all grow old together...I n-never imagined life without all th-three of us...never mind that I'd lose b-both of them." I wiped my eyes and leaned my head on my older cousin's shoulder. "I c-can't love anyone else, Connor. I'm too...too empty inside. It hurts too much."

I burst into fresh sobbing. Connor was still hugging me, but I pushed away from him and knelt on the ground in front of the graves, sobs racking my body as I shook with tears.

Sometimes I see you standing there

Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch

Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much

God gave me a moment's grace

'Cause if I'd never seen your face

I probably wouldn't be this way

Suddenly I felt as though a gentle pair of arms was encircling my waist--as though someone was giving me a hug. I looked up a little, expecting to see Connor, but instead I swear I saw Ron--my Ron--his blue eyes full of concern and a little sadness. I felt a gentle brush on my right cheek and turned to see Harry--my Harry--stroking my cheek comfortingly in a very Harry-like gesture, a soothing gesture I remembered.

I heard Harry's voice in my head. Don't cry, 'Mione. We're here.

Yeah, I heard Ron add. We don't want you to waste your whole life crying over us or you'll turn into a wreck...like Tonks almost was after Sirius died. You remember.

Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you

Susan says that I should just move on

You oughta see the way these people look at me

When they see me 'round here talking to this stone

Everybody thinks I've lost my mind

But I just take it day by day

I wanted to hug them both, but I knew that would be impossible...and Connor would probably think I was crazy. I just sort of nodded and told them silently, I know. I love you...I love you both so much.

I felt Harry smile sadly at me and gently kiss my cheek. Don't forget about us, 'Mione.

Ron kissed my other cheek and withdrew his arms. We won't forget about you.

No! Don't leave me! I sobbed silently, reaching for their hands--hands I couldn't possibly hope to grasp, hands that were there and not there all at once.

'Mione, 'Mione, Ron said, and I could almost see him shaking his head at me. Don't you get it? We'll never leave you.

We love you too, 'Mione, Harry said, his voice quiet and gentle, yet strong. We promised we'd always be there for you...and you know we don't break promises that easily.

Stay strong for us, 'Mione, Ron whispered. We'll be waiting for you. With that, both of them were gone.

I probably wouldn't be this way

I probably wouldn't hurt so bad

I never pictured every minute without you in it

Oh You left so fast

Sometimes I see you standing there

Sometimes I feel an angel's touch

Sometimes I feel like I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much

God gave me a moment's grace

'Cause if I'd never seen your face

I probably wouldn't be this way

Probably wouldn't be this way

And yet...and yet they weren't gone. Somehow, intangibly, they were still with me.

Connor tapped my shoulder, looking a little uncomfortable. "Hermione...maybe we should get going. Come on..."

Slowly I straightened. Staring down at the tombstones, I pressed my fingers to my lips, then pressed them on each stone in turn before turning back to my cousin. "All right," I whispered. "I'm ready."

As I walked away, my cousin's arm around my shoulders, I heard my best friends whisper in my ears. Semper Memini, 'Mione.

Semper Memini, I vowed silently. With that, my cousin and I left the graveyard.

Got a date a week from Friday with a preacher's son

Everybody says I'm crazy

Guess I'll have to see...