Harry Caesar

ACT I

SCENE II

Enter Harry, Ron, Hermione, Pansy, Seamus, Dean, Neville, Draco, Ernie, [Students, and] Professor Trelawney, a Soothsayer; after them Penelope and Percy.

Harry: Hermione!

Ernie: Peace now, Harry is talking.

Harry: Hermione!

Hermione: Here I am, my lord.

Harry: You're standing right in Ron's way

When he begins to run his race. Ron!

Ron: Harry, my friend?

Harry: Forget not in your haste, Ron,

To touch Hermione; for our elders say,

The infertile, touched in this holy chase

Shake off their sterile curse.

Ron: I won't forget.

When Harry says, "Do this", consider it done.

Harry: Be off, and leave no rituals out.

~~~[Trumpet fanfare]~~~

Soothsayer: Potter!

Harry: Huh? Who's calling me?

Ernie: [obviously Harry's right-hand man] Everyone be quiet; once again, peace!

Harry: Who is it in the crowd that calls on me?

I hear a tongue louder than all the music

Cry "Potter!" Speak, I have turned to hear.

Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March.

Harry: Who on Earth is that?

Draco: Batty old Professor Trelawney bids you beware the ides of March.

Harry: Bring her forward, let me see her face.

Ernie: Professor, come from the crowd, look at Potter.

Harry: What were you saying to me? Say it once again.

Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March.

Harry: [dismissive] She is a fraud; let's just leave her here.

~~~ Sennet (+). Exeunt except Draco and Neville. ~~~

Draco: Are you going to watch the race?

Neville: Not me.

Draco: I wish you would.

Neville: I'm not athletic; I am sadly lacking

Of the agility and speed that is in Ron.

However, I won't disobey your desires, Draco;

I'll leave you now.

Draco: Neville, wait. I've been looking at you lately.

I don't have from your eyes the gentleness

And friendship as I wish I did have.

You are too stubborn and cold

To a friend who loves you as only friends can.

Neville: Draco, don't be deceived. If I have veiled my look,

I blame the troubled look of my face

Only upon myself. Troubled I am

Of late with conflicting emotions,

Concepts only proper to me,

Which, perhaps, stains my behaviors.

But don't let my good friends be grieved--

Among which you can count yourself, Draco--

Nor contemplate any further my neglect

Than that Neville Longbottom, at war with himself,

Forgets how to show friendship to other men.

Draco: Then, Neville, I have much mistaken your emotions

As a result of which my chest has buried

Thoughts of great value, worthy sentiments.

Tell me, Neville, can you see your face?

Neville: No, Draco; the eye sees not itself

But by reflection, by some other things.

Draco: It's true,

And it is very terrible, Neville,

That you don't have any mirrors that will turn

Your hidden worthiness into your eye

So that you might see your shadow. I have heard

Where many of the most respected people at Hogwarts

(Except the immortal Potter), when speaking of you

And groaning under this age's yoke,

Have wished that the noble Neville had their eyes.

Neville: [flattered, yet wary] Into what dangers would you lead me, Draco,

That you would have me look inside myself

For something that is not there?

Draco: Because of this, dear Neville, be prepared to listen;

And since you know you cannot see yourself

As well as you can by reflection, I, as your mirror,

Will truthfully discover to yourself

Things about you that you do not know about yet.

And do not be suspicious of me, gentle Neville;

Were I a common joker, or used

To make common with ordinary oaths my friendship

To everyone who suggests it; if you know

That I am kind to men, and hug them hard, as friends often do,

And after that defame them; or if you know

That I profess friendship in banqueting

To all the mob, then hold me as dangerous.

~~~ Fanfare and shout ~~~

Neville: What does this shouting mean? I fear that the students

Are choosing Harry for their "king".

Draco: Yes, do you fear it?

Then that must mean you don't want it to be so.

Neville: I don't, Draco, but I love him dearly.

But why are you holding me here so long?

What is it that you would propose to me?

If it be at all toward the general good,

Set honor in one eye and death in the other,

And I will look on both impartially;

For let the gods cause me to prosper, as I love

The name of honor more than I fear death.

Draco: I know you have that virtue, Neville,

As well as I do know your outward appearance.

Well, honor is the subject of my story:

I cannot tell what you and other men

Think of this life, but as for me,

I would as soon die as live to be

In admiration of myself.

I was born as free as Potter, so were you;

We have both eaten as well, and we can both

Endure the winter's cold as well as he can;

For once, on a raw and windy day,

The lake rubbing her shores raw,

Potter said to me, "Do you dare, Malfoy, now

Leap into this angry flood with me

And swim to that island out there?" On the word,

As sport loving as I was, I plunged in

And called him to follow me; so he did, of course.

The flood roared, and we simply battled it

With our muscles, throwing it aside

And stemming it with hearts excited by the contest.

But before we could arrive at the island we were headed to,

Potter cried, "Help me, Malfoy, or I sink!"

I, like Aeneas, Rome's great ancestor,

Did bear from the flames of Troy upon his shoulder

The old Anchises, bore from the waves of the lake

The tired Potter. And this man

Has now become a god, and Draco is

A wretched creature, and must bow respectfully

If Potter simply nods carelessly on him.

He had a fever when he was in Spain, visiting,

And when the fit was on him, I noticed

How he was shaking--it's true, this "god" was shaking;

His cowardly lips did from their color fly

And that same eye whose glance astounds the world

Did lose its gleam; I truly did hear him groan

Yes, and that tongue of his that told the students

To listen to him and write their speeches in their books,

Sadly, cried "Give me something to drink, Tatiana,"

Like a sick girl does. Ye Gods, it amazes me

That a man of such feeble temper should

So outstrip the majestic world

And bear the palm alone.

~~~ Shout. Flourish. ~~~

Neville: Another general shout!

I do believe this applause is for

Some new honor that is being heaped on Harry.

Draco: Why, he sits astride the narrow world like a giant

And we petty men walk under his huge legs, and peep about

To find ourselves dishonorable graves.

Men are to some extent the masters of their own fates;

The fault, dear Neville, is not in our stars,

But in ourselves that we are below Potter.

Neville and Harry: what should be in that "Harry"?

Why should that name be shouted more than your own?

When they are written together, yours as fine a name;

If you say them together, it fits your mouth just as well;

Weigh them, they weigh the same--nay, yours weighs more, you have two more letters in your name;

Conjure with them, and Neville will raise just as many spirits as Harry.

Neville: [clutching at a shred of humility] No, Draco, in that you are mistaken;

I have always been sadly lacking in the field of magic.

Draco: Aye, but how many spells has Harry successfully completed? No more than Neville!

Now, in the name of every god and deity you can think of at once,

What in the name of Heaven does Potter eat

That he has grown so great? Age, you are shamed!

Hogwarts, you have lost the breed of noble bloods!

When went there an age since the Great Flood

When the most famous people at Hogwarts numbered more than one?

Now is it "Rome" indeed and room enough {Note: Rome and room are pronounced the same}

When the famous person is but one.

O! you and I have heard our fathers say--

Oh, Neville, I'm sorry, I forgot. You know what I mean; our father figures--

There was a Longbottom once--your dear father, Neville--who would have allowed

The devil himself to become supreme ruler at Hogwarts

As easily as a king.

Neville: [sighing with resignation] That you truly do love me, I don't doubt at all;

What you're trying to drive me to, I have a small guess.

How I have thought of this, and of these times,

I shall recount a little later. For right now,

I don't want (so with friendship I might entreat you)

To be moved any further. What you have said

I will think about; what you have to say

I will hear out with patience, and find a time

Good for both hearing and answering such high things.

Until then, my good friend, chew on this:

I would rather be living as a Muggle

Than to be a student at Hogwarts

Under the hard conditions that this time

Is probably going to lay upon us.

Draco: [to himself] I am glad that my feeble words

Have drawn this much passion from Neville.

~~~Enter Harry and his Train~~~

Neville: It looks like the games are over, and Harry is returning.

Draco: As they pass by, grab that pompous fool Ernie by the sleeve,

And he will (in his own way) tell you

What noteworthy event has passed today.

Neville: [who at this point would agree if Draco told him to lasso the moon] I will do so. But look, Draco,

Harry looks like something has angered him,

And everyone else looks like they've been scolded;

Hermione's face is pale, and Dean Thomas

Looks around with those angry and fiery eyes

That he wears every time someone insults West Ham.

Draco: Ernie will tell us what the matter is. [under his breath] He never shuts up.

Harry: Ron!

Ron: Harry?

Harry: I'd rather have people around me who are Gryffindors,

Who look more natural and enable one to sleep at night.

Malfoy over there has an evil and plastic look,

He's a Slytherin; such men are dangerous.

Ron: Oh, him. Don't worry about him, Harry, he isn't dangerous,

He's nothing but talk and overpriced hair gel.

Harry: If only he were a Gryffindor! But I'm not afraid of him.

Yet if I were someone who had a tendency to be afraid,

I don't know who on Earth I would avoid

Sooner than Draco Malfoy. He spends much time in the dungeons,

He is quite a hand at jinxes and potions, and he appears

To be able to see the intentions of men. He doesn't like plays

Like you do, Ron; he never listens to music;

He seldom smiles, and smiles in a way

As if he plans to go for your throat, and scorns his spirit

That anything could possibly make him smile.

Men like him are never quite at ease with themselves

While they see anyone greater than they are,

And therefore they are quite dangerous.

I find it easier to tell you what it is like to be feared

Than what I fear; for I am Harry Potter.

Come stand at my right hand, for I'm having difficulties with my left ear,

And honestly tell me what you think of him.

~~~ Sennet. Exeunt Harry and his train. [Ernie stays.]~~~

Ernie: You tugged on my sleeve; should I conclude from this that you want to talk to me?

Neville: Yes, Ernie. Tell us what happened today

That makes Harry look more serious than usual.

Ernie: Why, you were right there, weren't you?

Neville: If I had been, I would not have just asked you what happened.

Ernie: That is true. Well, the people offered Harry the crown; and when it was offered to him, he pushed it away with the back of his hand--he's always been like that, apparently, never too conceited--and the people started shouting. I can't blame them, for--

Neville [interrupting hastily]: Yes, yes, but what was the second noise for?

Ernie: Why, it was for the same thing.

Draco: They shouted three times; what was the third cry for?

Ernie: For that too.

Draco: [aghast] You mean they offered it to him three times?

Ernie: Yes, indeed, it was, and he pushed it aside three times, each time more timidly and hesitantly than before; and at every time mine honest house-mates cried out.

Draco: Who offered him the crown?

Ernie: Ron Weasley, of course. They're best friends, you know.

Neville: Yes, yes, we know. Tell us the reason for it, Ernie.

Ernie: I'll be hanged if I know why they were doing it; as far as I could tell, it was a joke. I saw Ron Weasley offer him a crown--except it wasn't actually a crown, it was one of these coronets--and like I said, he pushed it aside once, though by my reckoning he would have willingly taken it. Then Ron offered it to him again, and he put it by a second time; but to my thinking he was quite anxious to put his hands on it. And then it was offered to him a third time, and he pushed it aside; and as he did, the rabble howled, and clapped their reddened and work-worn hands, and threw up their hats, and sent forth such an amount of stinking breath because Harry refused the crown, that it almost choked the boy, because he fell down, and I dared not laugh, for fear of receiving the bad air when I opened my mouth.

Draco: Hold on a minute. Potter fainted?

Ernie: He fell down on the Quidditch pitch, and foamed at the mouth, and said nothing.

Neville: Oh, that. It sounds almost like he has epilepsy.

Draco: No, Potter doesn't have it; but you and I

And Ernie here, we have epilepsy.

Ernie: I have no clue what on Earth you mean by that, Draco, but I am sure that Harry fainted. If the folks around them didn't clap or hiss at him, depending on whether he pleased them or not, as they do at a Quidditch match, I am not an honest man.

Neville: What did he say when he roused himself?

Ernie: Well, before he fell down, when he thought the crowd was glad he'd refused the crown, he opened his robes and asked them to cut his throat. If I had been a working man, if I would not have taken him at his word, I would have so I might go to hell among the common thieves. And so he fell. When he came to himself again, he said that if he had done or said anything unusual, he desired everyone to think it was his infirmity. A few people cried "Alas, good soul!" and forgave him with all their hearts. But there's no need to take notice of them; if Harry had killed their mothers, they would have behaved no differently.

Neville: And after that he came away so seriously?

Ernie: Yup.

Draco: Did Dean say anything?

Ernie: Yes, he spoke Greek.

Draco: What did he say?

Ernie: If I tell you that, I'll never be able to look you in the face again. But those that understood him shook their heads and laughed; but as far as I understood him, it was Greek to me. I can tell you more news, too. Percy Weasley and Penelope Clearwater, for pulling decorations off of Harry's images, are to be killed. Farewell. There was more nonsense, if only I could remember it.

Draco: Will you have dinner with me tonight, Ernie?

Ernie: No, I have a date with Hannah.

Draco: Good luck on your date then. Will you dine with me tomorrow?

Ernie: If she doesn't take my head off, you're not insane, and your dinner isn't burnt.

Draco: Good, I'll be expecting you.

Ernie: You do that. Farewell to you both. ~~~Exit~~~

Neville: Well, he's grown a sense of humor.

He never was one to laugh much before--just talk.

Draco: And so he still is at times.

He only puts on a sense of humor when Harry isn't around

To chide him for it, and call his jokes lame.

Neville: And so he would. For now I'll go;

Tomorrow, if you want to talk to me,

I'll meet you at the lake, or if you want

Come find me by the Quidditch pitch, and I'll wait for you.

Draco: I'll do that; until then, think of the world.

Exit Neville

Well, Neville, you're certainly noble, yet I can see

That you can be maneuvered into my evil plots

By shameless flattery. It shows then

That noble minds always associate with others,

For who is it that is so firm that they can't be changed?

Potter hates me, yet he is friends with Neville.

If I were Neville and he were Draco,

He wouldn't humor me. Tonight I will

Throw several messages in his window

In different handwritings, like they were from different students,

All relating to the grand opinion

That Hogwarts holds of his name; in which obscurely]

Potter's ambition shall be glanced at.

And after this let Potter seat him sure,

For we will shake him, or worse days endure. ~~~Exit.