Drifting

Chapter 20: Confessions, Part 1

"I am moody,

Messy,

I get restless,

And it's senseless,

How you never seem to care.

When I'm angry,

You listen,

When you're happy,

It's a mission,

And you won't stop 'til I'm there...

It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real,

I like the way that feels,

It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself,

I love how you can tell,

All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me-"

Ashlee Simpson, Pieces of Me

~*~

Harry trudged up to the Headmaster's office after the feast. The rest of the group had gone to the dorm rooms. They were all full to the brim, excited, and content. Harry however, was the exact opposite. He'd hardly touched his meal, which was unlike him these days. Under much pressure from Hermione and Ginny he had begun to eat healthy amounts of food again.

When Harry looked back on this evening's feast he realized that he had barely talked either. He had caught Hermione's worried glances a fair few times. In desperation he looked over at the Slytherin table for a hard glance to knock him back to reality. He found none. Draco and Blaise were both staring at him, only with looks of mild confusion and concern. Harry had felt the strong urge to bang his head against the table.

"Password!" the gargoyle in front of Dumbledore's office barked.

Harry jumped, surprised. He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't been watching where he was going.

"Skiving Snackboxes," said a voice from behind him.

Harry whirled around and found himself face to face with Dumbledore. Dumbledore winked at him.

"I've always found the Weasley twins' inventions quite amusing if I may say so myself."

Harry nodded and muttered, "Yeah, me too."

"Well, come on then. My office awaits."

Dumbledore put a hand on Harry's back and pushed him gently towards the spiral stairs. When they reached the office, Dumbledore pushed open the door and led Harry in. He sat behind his desk and gestured for Harry to sit in the chair in front of him.

"Harry, I know this has not been an easy summer for you. There are things that need to be said that were not in the letter I sent you."

Harry sighed and nodded. He had been half expecting something like this. Just the thought of what Dumbledore could possibly say made him feel nauseous.

"I'm very concerned about you, Harry."

Harry nearly vomited right then. His hand flew to his mouth, covering it. He didn't want anyone's concern. His stomach was churning. Harry wouldn't dare show it, but he was afraid of what Dumbledore's next words would be.

"Not only your mental state but your physical state as well. You look positively ill. I had half a mind to send you to Madam Pomfrey the instant you entered the Great Hall."

"I'm fine," Harry said weakly.

"You don't look it or sound it, my boy."

Harry leaned forward and put his head in his hands.

"Nothing's right anymore," he mumbled in a barely audible voice. "My Aunt shouldn't be nice to me all of a sudden. I shouldn't be able to drive. Ginny shouldn't be my girlfriend. I shouldn't be friends with Draco or Blaise. Ron shouldn't have been put under the Imperius curse. That stupid hat shouldn't have sung that song. The whole of Hogwarts shouldn't know the prophecy even if they don't really know what it is." Harry looked up. "Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you were never born?"

"I'm afraid that needs to remain personal, Harry."

Harry sighed and leaned back into the chair. His eyes closed.

"It's not like I could ever see the world if I had never been born."

Many emotions swirled through Dumbledore when Harry said those words. Concern, pity, and love twisted inside him. Love managed to push itself to the front. Dumbledore loved Harry like a son. He couldn't bear to see the boy hurt, whether it was physically or mentally. He would do anything for Harry. This love was what made him say what he told Harry next.

"I can show you what the world would be like if you weren't born."

Harry's head snapped up and his eyes opened. "How?"

"I know you are familiar with alternate universes. There is an alternate universe in which you were never born. I know of a spell that can take us there. We would be outsiders, just looking in. We can't be seen or heard."

Harry looked thoughtful.

"If it's not too much trouble, sir, I think I'd like to see."

Dumbledore nodded. "Come here, Harry. Now, take my hand and I suggest you close your eyes. It'll help you keep the urge to vomit under control."

Harry took Dumbledore's hand and shut his eyes. Dumbledore grasped Harry's hand tightly. Then he held out his right hand, the one that wasn't holding Harry's.

"Temporis Itum."

The next second, the duo was spinning through a tunnel full of light. Colors swirled around them, blending together. Soon Dumbledore saw a hole in the tunnel. He knew this is where they had to get out.

"Don't let go, Harry," he warned.

He could feel Harry's hand tighten in his. It was obvious that Harry was at least slightly scared.

Dumbledore jumped into the hole, pulling Harry with him. They landed outside the tunnel on a grassy hill. Below, as Dumbledore saw, was a mass killing. Hundreds of bodies littered the ground at the foot of the hill.

Unable to look at it any longer, Dumbledore turned towards Harry. Harry had opened his eyes and the expression on his face made Dumbledore almost sorry that he had shown this to Harry. Almost.

Dumbledore had been saving this for a time when he thought Harry was ready to see the horrors of what things could have been. He was going to wait until Harry fully understood the prophecy and the war had started. Since Harry had been forced to accept this all so fast, Dumbledore felt the need to show him what could have been.

They heard footsteps behind them. Harry and Dumbledore turned at the same time. Harry's eyes widened further.

Neville Longbottom stood behind them. The boy looked so much older than his sixteen years.

Much like Harry does, if the boy bothered to look at his appearance, Dumbledore thought sadly.

Neville opened his mouth to speak.

"More deaths," he whispered, though Harry and Dumbledore heard every word of it. "I don't think it's ever going to end." Neville sank to the ground. "I can't take it anymore. I've already lost the war. I can't defeat Voldemort even if I am the one prophesized to kill the bastard. I'm too weak."

Neville was pulling at his hair now. He was talking to himself. The scene was giving off the impression that Neville was cracking under pressure and going mad.

Let's hope it never happens to Harry.

"I've lost too many. My parents, my grandmum, my best friends, my enemies," Neville continued to ramble.

The duo could hear cries of a battle coming faintly from the distance. A huge flash of green light filled the sky. Harry cringed.

"This is a world where Voldemort is winning," Neville continued. "There's not a single hope or prayer for the light. If only Dumbledore were still alive..."

Harry was staring openmouthed at Neville. The cries of the battle were drawing closer. Harry paid no mind to them though, as he saw Neville extract a knife from his pocket.

"This is the end, I suppose," Neville said as he raised the knife.

Without realizing it, Harry had moved back to Dumbledore and was clutching the older wizard's upper arm tightly. Harry watched in horror as Neville plunged the knife deep into his skin. It went in right above his heart.

Harry buried his face in Dumbledore's robes, silently crying. Dumbledore's free arm wrapped around Harry's back and the opposite hand cast the spell to send them back.

When they reappeared in Dumbledore's office, Harry was still crying into Dumbledore's shoulder. Dumbledore knew that Harry needed comfort and that's what he gave.

A few minutes later Harry pulled away. He wiped the back of his hand across his eyes and replaced the contact that had fallen out. He blinked a few times and then sat down in the chair he had vacated earlier.

"I can't believe it's that bad. Didn't Neville stop Voldemort when he was a baby?" he asked.

"I'm not sure, Harry. By the looks of it there was no one to cause him to lose his powers. It sounds like there is a different prophecy too, judging by what Neville said."

"It's horrible," Harry whispered. "How could I ever think to wish that on Neville? If I just gave up like that now I couldn't even think of what would happen."

Dumbledore smiled inwardly. This was the reaction he had been hoping for. He had wanted Harry to realize what there was to fight for. This experience was really to make him a stronger fighter with a stronger will. The journey to the other world seemed to have done the trick, judging by the serious tone and the seriousness of the words Harry spoke.

"I think you should get some sleep, Harry. Take some time to think about it. You have a day until classes start on Monday. Feel free to sleep in."

Harry nodded and stood up, making his way to the door.

"Thank you, sir," he said as he shut the door behind him.

Dumbledore nodded at the closed door.

~*~

Harry pushed open the door to the Gryffindor sixth year boys' dorm. He opened it as quietly as he could, expecting everyone to be asleep. He sucked in a breath when he realized the whole sixth year was up waiting for him, plus Ginny.

Neville was lying on his stomach, his head on the foot of his four-poster. Lavender was sitting on Seamus's lap on his bed, Parvati was lying on her back with Dean sitting next to her on his bed, Ron was lying down as well, his head in Hermione's lap. Ginny was sitting up on Harry's bed and she moved over to make a space for him.

Harry lay down on his stomach and pulled Ginny down so she was lying next to him.

"So," Seamus said eagerly, "What happened?"

Harry yawned and held up a finger. He pushed himself up so he could grab a pillow from the other end of the bed. When his head was resting comfortably on his pillow at the end of his bed he spoke.

"Well, Dumbledore's concerned about me, but at this rate I don't think there're many adults I know that aren't. Snape is probably the only exception." They all chuckled at that. "He said I looked sick, which I know I do but I can't do anything about it."

"You could actually bother to eat something!" Hermione said, though not in a mean way.

Harry didn't comment on it. "Anyway I asked him if he ever wondered what it would be like to never have been born. He said it was personal and wouldn't tell me, he never tells me anything. I don't think he trusts me as much after I wrecked-" he cut off there suddenly. Only Ginny knew what he almost said and she reached for his hand, squeezing it tight. "Back to the story," Harry continued, ignoring Hermione's questioning gaze. "Then he told me that he could show me what it would be like if I hadn't been born. I agreed, and he did."

Harry paused there, unsure if he should go on. If he did, he would have to find a way to edit out all mention of Neville because there was just no way he could tell them about Neville when the boy was right in the room. It was a complete invasion of privacy.

"Go on then," Parvati said, hanging onto Harry's every word.

Harry took a deep breath and plowed on. He felt Ginny's hand tighten further around his in reassurance.

"There was this guy there, he couldn't have been any older than us. He was observing the scene of mass murders below us. Then a battle started up in the background. The kid was cracking under the pressure. He was the one who had to kill Voldemort. He couldn't take it anymore. He said he'd lost too much already. He said he was too weak-" Harry choked on tears and thought of Neville's happy face that was right across the room from him when he said the next part. "He took out his knife and he... he... he killed himself," he finished in barely more than a whisper.

Harry buried his face in his pillow so the others wouldn't have to see his tears. He felt Ginny's arms circle around him and hold him tight. He felt someone gently stroking his hair and knew it was Hermione when she leaned down to whisper in his ear.

"You didn't tell us everything. Tomorrow morning after everyone leaves, you owe me the full story."

Harry reached for Hermione's hand and squeezed it in a silent yes.

The room was silent for a few moments. The group allowed Harry to regain his composure before Seamus spoke up.

"Harry, that's horrible. Were we in constant war or something?"

Harry sat up and nodded. "It looked like there was no one to take Voldemort's powers back when I was a baby since I was never born in that world. A full scale war seemed to have been raging all that time."

Parvati and Lavender let identical gasps escape their mouths. Neville's face looked terrified.

How could I have ever thought about forcing all this on Neville? Harry thought, ashamed.

"Oh, Harry, do you mind if the girls stay the night?" Dean asked.

Harry blinked. "Why?"

Ron piped in, "Well, none of them could really sleep. That's why they're all in their pajamas and have extra pillows."

Harry looked around at the girls and realized for the first time that they were indeed all in their sleepwear. Hermione and Parvati had on short sleeves and cotton pants. Lavender and Ginny had on tank tops and cotton pants.

"Er, of course. I don't mind," Harry replied, glancing at Ginny as a slow smile spread across his face.

Ginny grinned back. Hermione leaned in one more time and whispered a last message to Harry before returning to Ron's bed.

"Ron's still not comfortable with you two sleeping together."

"Yeah," Harry said a little louder than he had to. "You should get the git to try it with you, it's quite fun and relaxing."

Hermione got up, smacked Harry in the cheek, and sat back down.

"Insufferable prat."

Harry grinned. "Just giving a bit of advice to two lost lovers."

Hermione threw a pillow at him.

"Pillow fight!" Seamus yelled.

"Wait!" Neville cried. "We'll get caught for making too much noise."

Hermione put a silencing charm around the room and the pillow fight commenced. By the end of it, one pillow had ripped, showering Neville and Ron with feathers. The room was a mess. A water jug had been knocked off Dean's night table by Ginny. Parvati had tripped over Harry's trunk and had fallen to the ground, tripping Harry himself in the process. Seamus and Hermione had gotten caught in a tangle of blankets from Ron's bed. It seemed that the only person who had come out of the fight unscathed was Lavender.

"I win!" she yelled, jumping up and down and waving her pillow.

They all laughed at her childish display. Seamus grabbed her ankle and pulled her down into the pile of teens on the floor. Lavender whacked him over the head with a pillow.

"I still won," she said, pouting.

They all burst into a new bout of laughter.

~*~

Ginny crawled into bed at four o' clock in the morning. More accurately, she was in Harry's bed with the sleeping form of Harry next to her. He had fallen asleep about forty minutes ago, completely exhausted.

Ginny yawned as she settled herself under the covers of Harry's bed. As it turned out, Seamus and Lavender had been in a steady relationship since the middle of the summer and the same went for Dean and Parvati. So, naturally, the two girls were sleeping with their boyfriends in said boyfriend's bed. Ron and Hermione, though hesitant at first, and after much teasing from the rest of the group about them being chickens, crawled into bed together. That left Neville all on his own.

At least until we can get him together with Luna, Ginny thought, smiling.

Harry shifted next to her. "I'm not going to let you die, Neville," he whispered.

Ginny studied his face. She could tell he was having a nightmare. His eyes were closed tightly, much tighter than normal. He had a pained expression on his face.

"Neville..."

The only thing that confused her was why Harry would be having a nightmare about Neville dying.

Suddenly, Harry sat up, his eyes open. He slid out from under the covers and knelt on the floor in front of his trunk.

"Where's that bloody Pensieve-" he mumbled as he sifted through his trunk to find it. "Ahh, there we go."

He put his wand up to his temple and searched for the memory he wanted. Then he extracted it. Harry put the silvery-gray wisp of memory into his pensive and set the pensive back in his trunk. Then he made his way back to the bed and slid under the covers.

"Night, Gin."

"Goodnight, Harry."

Harry drifted off to sleep a few minutes later. Ginny stayed up a little longer, content with watching him sleep.

Whatever memory he put in that Pensieve must have done the trick. No more nightmares.

~*~

When Harry woke up later that morning, the whole room was gone, save Hermione, who was still asleep. He stared at her for a moment. Out of the trio it was always Hermione who would be the first one up. Under closer scrutiny, Harry saw that Hermione was indeed awake and just lying down waiting for him to get up.

Harry groaned and sat up, wondering exactly how much of Hermione's time he had wasted by sleeping. The clock on his night table read 11:20 A.M.

"Good," Hermione said, sitting up as well. "You're awake. You sleep forever."

Harry blinked. "Damn it, I left my contacts in."

"You're getting worse than Ron with how late you sleep in," Hermione continued, oblivious to what Harry had just said.

"I'm so tired for reasons I don't know," Harry said, yawning as if to enforce what he said.

"If you want to go back to sleep-" Hermione started.

Harry paused for a moment. He was slightly taken aback by how fast Hermione had slipped into her caring mother-like role. Sometimes she sounded just like Mrs. Weasley.

"No, it's all right. What did you want to talk about?"

Hermione got up and came around to Harry's bed. She sat on the side of it, her face directly in front of Harry's.

"You didn't tell us everything last night," she stated.

Harry bit his lip and turned his head away from her.

"I didn't."

Hermione put a finger under his chin and turned his head back up to face her. Harry chewed his lip slowly.

"Tell me all."

Harry shook his head. "I can't," he whispered.

Hermione scooted closer to him. "Harry, please."

"I... I... I just can't, 'Mione."

Hermione enveloped him in a warm embrace.

"Yes, you can."

She could tell Harry was struggling with this. She knew he wanted to tell someone. He needed someone to confide in. Hermione wanted to be there for him.

"It's not just that. There are so many other things I'd have to tell you, things that only five other people know because they absolutely have to. I don't know if I can tell you."

Now Hermione felt hurt. She hated being the last to know.

"Ron knows, doesn't he?" she said a little crossly.

"No."

"Then who does?"

"I shouldn't tell you."

Hermione stood up. She was furious. If Harry was looking for a confident she was the one. She spun on her heel and began to walk towards the door. Just as her hand reached the doorknob, Harry called out to her.

"Please don't go. I'll tell you. Everything. I promise."

"So can I ask anything I want?"

Harry nodded. Then he gestured for her to sit back on the bed with him. Hermione sat and they resumed the position they had been in many summer afternoons. When Harry's head lay comfortably in Hermione's lap, she began to ask questions.

"What does the prophecy say?"

"What prophecy, Hermione? It was smashed in the Department of Mysteries. We couldn't hear it."

"Harry, that copy may have gotten smashed but I know you know the prophecy."

Harry sighed. He had already known that there was absolutely no way he could win against Hermione. Still, it never hurt to try.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches.... Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies... and the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have the power the Dark Lord knows not... and either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives.... The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies..."

Hermione stayed silent for a few moments after Harry was done reciting the prophecy. She was thinking carefully, trying to find a loophole in it all; a way that it didn't have to be Harry. She came up with nothing.

"So it is you, isn't it? You're going to defeat him."

"It could have been someone else."

"What do you mean, could have? Who?"

"Neville. But Voldemort marked me. I am his equal. Either I kill or be killed. Either way it doesn't look too bright."

Hermione took a minute to absorb this new information. She hadn't known that Neville had been born the same day as Harry. Now though, she was sure there was no loophole.

No wonder Harry's so depressed. With the loss of Sirius and the prophecy weighing down on him, I'm surprised he hasn't done something drastic yet.

"Who knows of the prophecy?" Hermione asked.

Harry counted the people off on his fingers and then spoke their names aloud.

"Dumbledore, Trelawney - though she doesn't know she said it like when she made the prophecy about Wormtail during my Divination final, Ginny, Draco, and Blaise."

"Why would Malfoy and Zabini have to know?"

Harry held up his wrist. The Mark of the Phoenix glittered black in the dim light of the room. Hermione gasped, grabbing his wrist and pulling it closer.

"The most powerful of wizards have this mark, Harry! Oh, this means you can do ancient magic. Harry, this is amazing! But what do Malfoy and Zabini have to do with this?"

"They have the mark," Harry said, "along with Ginny. We're all getting training on how to perform ancient magic and wandless magic. We're also getting trained on how to fight properly."

Hermione began to play with his hair, absentmindedly stroking it as she processed all the new information. Her brain seemed to be running in circles and spewing out questions left and right. Each new confession left Hermione with at least ten new questions.

"So what's the power you have that V-Voldemort hasn't got?" Hermione asked, feeling proud that she had said Voldemort's name with only a slight stutter.

Harry smiled at her bravery. His eyes were half shut. Hermione knew that what she was doing with his hair seemed to have a calming effect on him. She figured it was because he had been starved of love for so long that he didn't really know what it felt like to be cared for. Just the thought of how bad the Dursleys had treated Harry made her eyes water.

"That's what we don't know. Dumbledore and I, that is. Though I'll bet that he knows and it's just one of those things I'll have to discover for myself," Harry replied.

Hermione nodded in understanding. She knew that whatever this special power was, Harry needed it in order to defeat Voldemort. She could only hope he'd find it in time.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell me?" Hermione said.

"There's so much more, 'Mione, so much more. Just not right now. Sometime soon, I promise."

Just then Ginny pushed open the door and stepped in.

"Harry, Dumbledore wants to see us."

Harry's eyes opened fully. He sat up and kissed Hermione on the cheek.

"I feel much better now," he whispered in her ear.

Hermione smiled. "Anytime, Harry."

Harry got up off the bed and went to his trunk for fresh clothing. He ducked into the bathroom and was back in a little over five minutes, clean from a shower and dressed.

"All right then, let's go."

~~**~~