Drifting

Chapter 4: Safe in the Arms of a Friend

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,

When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears,

I've held your hand through all of these years,

But you still have all of me-"

Evanescence, My Immortal

This time, it was the ringing of the phone that woke Harry up, not the sun. Harry stumbled out of bed and nearly tripped when he reached the phone. He picked it up mumbling hello.

"Harry! Did I wake you?"

Realizing it was Hermione; he started to take the cordless up the stairs. In his half asleep state he tripped and fell.

"Shit! Yes!"

Hermione chuckled softly.

"Sorry. What did you do? Trip on the stairs?"

"I hate how you always know what happens to me before I tell you," Harry snarled, but he smiled all the same.

He heard Hermione shriek with laughter. Still smiling, he made his way up the stairs and back to his bed, which he tripped on the leg of and fell howling onto. Hermione's laughs only got louder.

"Are you always this uncoordinated when you wake up?" she managed to get out.

"Sadly, for the sake of the funny, no. For the sake of keeping you happy I could be."

Hermione fell silent.

"Are you trying to say you have a crush on me?" There was a note of worry in her voice as she said it.

Harry nearly fell off the bed.

"Wh-what! Are you insane!" Then he laughed. "I'm afraid you've hit the nail on the head!" Harry said in one of his most sarcastic voices ever. "I've had an undying love for you since we were eleven! Took you this long!"

"Oh my God. You can't be serious. Harry. NO!"

"Hermione, sarcasm, I was kidding. You seem so against it even though it's not real. I...I thought you were my friend...or are you just going to desert me for Ron? Leave me all alone to wallow in misery, eh?"

The line went dead when Harry hung up the phone. Instantly he began to cry. So it was true. They would just desert him. Just like that. After all they'd been through...

The phone rang and Harry didn't bother to get it. Petunia picked it up and called up to him saying it was for him. He ignored it. Petunia came up to the room and held the phone up to his ear. He heard Hermione shout something.

"You little git! How dare you lead me in the wrong direction! Just for that we will desert you!"

Harry's tears came more and more. His whole body shook and he was gasping for air. Petunia wasn't sure what just happened so she took the phone back.

"I couldn't make out what exactly you said but you've just made Harry cry harder then I've ever seen him cry before..." she said.

"Well good for - wait - he's crying? I made him cry? I MADE him CRY! Oh gosh no. Could you start a fire please Mrs. Dursley?"

"Of course. I suspect I'll be seeing you shortly."

"Yes, thank you."

The line went dead and Petunia turned back to her nephew. His tears had subsided a little but by the look on his face she could tell what the girl had said hadn't been very good. Dudley hadn't even cried when his girlfriend had broken up with her. Lily had cried a fair few times over James but this girl hadn't seemed to be Harry's girlfriend. There seemed to be no explanation.

Sighing, Petunia descended the stairs to start a fire. About five minutes later, Hermione tumbled out of the Dursley's fireplace.

"Hello again, Mrs. Dursley."

"Please call me Petunia, I really hate the name Dursley."

They both laughed.

Hermione was led upstairs. When she reached Harry's room, she pushed the door open slowly. Harry was still sitting on his bed, tears falling, but now reading a letter. All of a sudden the color drained from his face. He picked up a quill and began to write, mumbling a mix of what he was writing and curses (the Muggle kind) at the same time.

"Kick me out of the fricken trio. If it hadn't been for me you two wouldn't be friends. - Ron you've got to tell her sometime; you know what she was like at the Yule Ball. - You can't just fucking ditch me though-"

"Watch your tongue, Potter!" Hermione snapped.

"Traitor," he hissed back. "I know what you and Ron are up to. Just as I said before, you'll ditch me for each other."

It sounded more like a snake trying to speak English than Harry's normal voice. Hermione suspected it had something to do with the fact that he was a Parselmouth. She watched him pick up another letter and read it, a small smile forming through the remains of his tears. Hermione heard his aunt leave the room. She was about to ask Harry who it was from but he spoke up first.

"Ginny," Harry said. "At least she'll stay by me. She's coming this weekend by the way." He hissed the last part, "and so is your to be boyfriend."

"If you're talking about Ron, he'll never come to his senses when it comes to me. He just relies on me for help with homework," Hermione sniffed.

"Yeah, whatever. If you can't figure it out, I won't bother filling you in. How'd you get here anyway?"

Hermione was thrown by the abrupt change of subject. It wasn't like Harry at all to seem this closed off.

"Floo network. Dumbledore had my house connected this summer in case he had to warn me fast of any V-Voldemort attacks."

"At least someone says his name," Harry commented, turning away from her. "I really don't know why you came. There's nothing here for you. If you were looking for Harry, he went for a nice stroll in the land of depression and isn't coming back."

There was an awkward silence that followed that statement. It was scaring Hermione how cryptic and cynical Harry was. She wondered where the old Harry was, the happy, adventurous, exciting Harry. This Harry seemed dull, filled with pain, and on the brink of insanity. Then she finally understood. Part of him had died with Sirius and the rest of him was consumed in a deepening depression over it. A loud hoot brought Hermione out of her thoughts.

"Get down here you insane bird," Harry snarled.

Hermione thought she saw the owl - Pig - flinch at Harry's sharp words. The small, energetic owl followed its orders and Harry tied two letters to its leg. He shoved the window open and Pig flew out. He seemed all too happy to be out of Harry's room.

"So..." Hermione said, trying to start up a conversation.

Harry didn't respond. He just sat there, gazing out the window.

"You know," he said finally, "I think I was destined to be alone and miserable. It kind of fits the Daily Prophet's description of me as a tragic hero. I was born to play the role..." Harry glanced at the clock. "My Uncle's going to be home for his lunch break soon, I should probably get cleaned up now. If you don't mind waiting for about five minutes..."

Harry didn't wait for an answer. He grabbed the clothes he had just put out on his bed and exited the room.

"You can sit down y'know."

~*~

As he said he would, Harry re-entered the room five minutes later, hair sopping wet, with very baggy jeans and a loose t-shirt.

"Damn," he muttered. "These pants are huge! How old was Dudley when he had these?"

"You get hand-me-downs from Dudley? But he's your age!" Hermione said appalled.

"Yeah, well he weighs about a hundred or so pounds more than I do," Harry commented.

Hermione took a minute to examine Harry. He was dangerously thin. She could see the muscles he had, developed from years of Quidditch. Hermione could tell he was pretty strong.

"Judging by how thin you are, it must be more of a difference than that."

Harry laughed coldly. "I eat what I want to eat when I want to eat it. I'm just never hungry. This," he said, gesturing at his body, "is the result."

"How can you NOT be hungry? Do you have some ongoing source of energy inside you?" Hermione exclaimed.

"Look's like someone's in need of lunch-" A car door slammed. "My Uncle's home. I'll get you some food."

Before Hermione could say a thing, Harry left. He heard his Uncle walk in the door but the next thing he heard made him stop dead on the stairs.

"Dudley and - Harry - er-taking driving lessons together."

"What!" Uncle Vernon's voice boomed. "I am not allowing our son to take lessons with that hooligan!"

"His friend is taking them too, it was her idea," Aunt Petunia supplied pitifully.

"More of his lot! I do not want our Dudley involved with them!" Uncle Vernon roared.

Harry stood stock still on the stairs, hidden from view. He could see his Aunt nearly shaking in terror and his Uncle's face was turning purple.

"She was one of our kind, Vernon. She was raised like us. She didn't know about them until she got her letter. Her parents are just like us. None of that nonsense is associated with them. They mean well."

Vernon seemed to contemplate the idea of Dudley learning with someone who at least grew up as a normal person. Petunia had a hopeful look on her face.

"Absolutely not!" Vernon concluded.

Petunia looked shocked.

"You said yourself that you wanted him out of the house! This is your chance! He has money, he can pay! Goodness knows that if we leave him alone he'll bring down the house! If you want to keep the neighbors convinced that he's a normal child then you have to let him drive!" Petunia yelled in a sudden outburst. "I know we're sending Dudley and his friend. Wouldn't it be mean to leave the boy's friend all alone? Please think about it!"

Vernon looked thoughtful. The purple was beginning to recede from his face.

"The boy will pay?"

Petunia nodded.

"Fine. I don't need to worry that he'll blow up the house any second now."

Petunia nodded again. "I'll tell him when I go upstairs next."

Harry regained his composure. The Order's threat must have really gotten to Uncle Vernon. He walked down the stairs.

"Actually, Aunt Petunia, Uncle Vernon, I already know so... I'll just fix myself a lunch and be on my way."

Uncle Vernon looked faintly surprised to see Harry there but Harry shrugged it off. He made a quick sandwich and poured some chips into a bowl. He grabbed an apple and went back upstairs.

~*~

Upstairs in Harry's room the window was open and a gentle breeze was flowing in. Hermione's side was resting on Harry's propped up pillows. Harry's head was in her lap and he was sprawled out on most of the rest of the bed. Hermione was munching on her sandwich. Harry had eaten a few chips but had decided that that was enough for him.

"I've always wanted to take driving lessons," he said.

"I figured you would. When I thought about it, I thought; hey, Harry would probably want to drive too, he grew up with Muggles after all...so I called your aunt and we signed you up."

"Hmmm. Good choice."

The atmosphere in the room was very relaxed. It was just two best friends lounging around on a beautiful summer day. No worries, no concerns, just fun.

"Classes start tomorrow," Hermione said.

"Mmhmm."

If there was one thing Hermione had learned about Harry it was that he wasn't really much of a talker unless it was about Quidditch or Voldemort. He'd been so isolated the first ten years of his life without any friends to really talk to so he just didn't talk. You could tell even in class. He'd know the answer to a question - he just wouldn't raise his hand. Hermione always wondered why he kept all that knowledge to himself. Everyone with eyes could see (well maybe not Snape and the Slytherins) that Harry was smart, even smarter than Hermione when it came to defense and attack, but he just didn't show it.

"Why don't you though?" Hermione asked, wanting the answers.

"Why don't I what?" Harry replied having no idea what she was talking about. "Why don't I talk about my sexual immaturity with you?" he said jokingly.

Hermione took a pillow and swung him hard in the head with it.

"Hey! It was sarcasm!"

"That's what you get. Did that shower cheer you up or something?"

"Dunno. Back to the original matter at hand..."

"Well everyone knows you're smart. How come you don't use that knowledge? Why do you just sit in the back of the class and not raise your hand even if you know the answer?"

"Er - it kind of has to do with my childhood I suppose." Harry closed his eyes, as if searching for the memories. "I'd know the answers but the teachers would never call on me. Every time we switched seats, I'd always sit in the back. No one liked me. I was just different. People don't like difference. There was this really smart girl in my class. She was different too. She had a friend though. I was just alone. Whenever I did better than Dudley in school, I'd get punished. So in the end I just decided to keep silent and I think I just didn't ever try as hard as I used to after that."

"Oh..." Hermione said, unsure of how to respond.

There was a very awkward silence following this. Neither teenager knew what to say. Hermione was thinking about how bad of a childhood Harry must have had. He'd never really said anything about his life before Hogwarts. Hermione had always assumed it was better than she now knew it to be.

Harry on the other hand was thinking of something completely different. Telling Hermione about his past had somehow unlocked a lot of dark thoughts that he hadn't told anyone before.

"Sometimes," Harry said, abruptly shifting into a much darker mood, "I don't really know who I am anymore. I seem so different from who I used to be. Take this morning for instance - I should have never snapped at you like that. It's your choice if you want to break up the trio so you and Ron can be happy. I'm really just hoping you'll get together so the Gryffindor tower can be at peace this year.

"I suppose I'm a little scared what's happening to me. You know how everyone says change is good. What if it's bad?"

"I've been coming to regard you as a sister more than a friend. We're closer. I just don't think I'd ever last dating you - no offense or anything. Somehow I just know I can trust you more..." He sighed. "You know that I have absolutely no clue what made me say that?" he laughed.

Hermione shook her head, laughing with him. "You're more of a brother to me too. I think you're the only one who can actually stop me from studying!"

Harry chuckled lightly, his spirits raised from the bottom of the pit they were in this morning. He thought it was weird how he could go from being totally depressed to being happier than he had been in a long time in a few hours.

"Can I kiss you?" he suddenly asked. Upon seeing the horrified look on Hermione's face he hastily added, "like a-oh what do you call those-er-'brotherly peck'?" He shrugged.

Hermione nodded. He leaned up and kissed her cheek before settling back down. Hermione flushed red.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"I owed you a kiss since the end of fourth year. I figured I might as well give it to you now, somewhere where Ron can't kill me for trying to steal his to be girlfriend after I do so," he said.

"You remembered that?" Hermione asked. She realized she seemed to be full of questions that day.

"Yeah," he said softly. "First kiss I ever got that I could remember."

Hermione raised an eyebrow at that.

"I'm serious. My aunt never kissed me. My uncle was worse then my aunt. He wouldn't even touch me unless it was my neck to strangle me. Why am I talking about this? Eh, it's not like anyone would listen anyway. Would you?"

"That's what I'm doing now isn't it," Hermione stated.

"Hmm. Fine. I was abused a lot as a kid. Whenever something went wrong in the family, I was blamed. I was beaten. If something little went wrong, I was just sent to my cupboard. If something big went wrong, I was spanked, strangled, or whipped with a belt. The last option was my uncle's favorite. I still have a scar from the last time he did it...

"I was nine I think. Something big went wrong in his business and he blamed it on me. I asked how I could have done anything if I was in school and he said that it didn't matter and I did it anyway. He told me to go to my cupboard but this time, I wouldn't go. Then he spanked me and I yelled at him. I just lost my temper because I was tired of being blamed for things I didn't do.

"Well out came the belt. He ripped it straight off his pants. I think he shoved me against the wall and pulled off my shirt. He started whipping me. None of them opened wounds that Aunt Petunia couldn't make go away except for the last slash across my back.

"I'm not sure but I think I started screaming at that point. Petunia snatched the belt from him and carried me off. She tried as hard as she could but the scar wouldn't go away..."

"I couldn't walk for days, I was in too much pain. My whole body felt like it was on fire. Just because Aunt Petunia got rid of the scars didn't mean she got rid of the pain. Luckily it was in the summer so no one noticed my absence outside.

"Uncle Vernon never whipped me after that. He'd just lock me in the cupboard."

"Then the dreams would come. I'd wake up crying most nights from some invisible pain. It'd always be the same. Uncle Vernon would be whipping me and then I'd hear that high-pitched laugh and see that green light. Of course at that time I didn't know what it meant but I knew it was bad all the same. I knew it had to do with my parent's death... there's not much more to it than that."

Hermione let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. One of her hands traveled from Harry's hair to his face and started tracing little patterns on his right cheek. It still amazed her about his past. What amazed her more was how much he'd grown though. He'd always been really short for as long as she could remember. He was still thin but he was much taller then she had predicted he would grow to be...

"I'm sorry, Harry. I didn't know."

"I never told a soul before. Basically I'd tell you anything."

There was a long silence. Hermione took that time to really notice his figure. Yes he was tall at 5'8" and he was still growing a little. Compared to her 5'4" he was really tall. She loved his hair, which she knew she must have made very obvious today. His eyes too, haunting emerald green. They scared her sometimes. He was just still too thin, which made him appear taller than he was. You could see his ribs and it was pretty scary.

"Why's that?" Hermione said.

She knew Harry didn't love her like Ron did and that she didn't love Harry like she loved Ron. Somehow though, she felt closer to Harry then she would ever be to Ron.

"I don't know really. I think I'm just a little more like you than Ron thought. He doesn't seem to take things seriously, which is like the exact opposite of you. He has everything you lack. He's like your other half and you two were meant to be together. It's just like I could never love you like he does because you're kind of like the sister I never had. There's more than one way to be close to someone..."

"You really are smart. I'm going to push you so hard when we get back to school!" Hermione said cheerily.

Harry groaned. That wasn't the direction he was heading in. It just surprised him that Hermione didn't catch on.

"You know, I'm glad that I'm your 'brother.' I mean I kind of felt like that already. You just get me. All I ever wanted was to be normal even though that's the last thing I could do. You understood and treated me more like family than a celebrity who just happens to be your friend which is how Ron treats me," Harry sighed. "You don't get it do you?"

"Of course I do silly. I've always been closer to you and really I've always liked you better but Ron is exactly what I've been missing all these years and you're well..."

"Too busy, and just too good for you?" Harry joked.

"Too busy and exactly the kind of bloke who would make a better brother than boyfriend."

Harry smiled.

"So does that mean I can kiss you now too? I don't really have a reason but it's what family does," Hermione said slyly.

"Go right ahead. I'm not with anyone so it's not like some imaginary girlfriend would come and hurt you on the spot if you did."

Hermione laughed. "You have a very sarcastic sense of humor."

"Thank you, thank you very much," Harry said in mock of a person winning an award.

Hermione's hand tangled itself once more in Harry's hair. She leaned down and kissed his cheek.

"I think I could get used to this," she said.

"Hmm. Y'know you've been playing with my hair for almost five hours."

"Sorry but it's so soft!"

Harry rolled his eyes up at her.

"I'm going to ask you a personal question now," Hermione said. "Who do you like? Who's your new crush?"

Harry hesitated. He didn't really want to tell anyone but he knew that he could trust Hermione.

"Promise not to tell?" Hermione nodded. "Fine. Ginny Weasley."

Harry held his breath after that and waited for Hermione to explode. He knew her all to well, really he did.

"Merlin you do! This is great! We could like double date and stuff! Then we could all get married and all be related and break the Weasleys of the red hair curse of their children..."

"But Ginny isn't anything more than a friend. She doesn't love me anymore," Harry said so quietly Hermione almost missed it.

"Oh. We'll think of something. Don't worry bro."

Hermione smiled at the name bro. I mean it was perfectly true. Harry was her brother now. She looked down at the teenage boy. His eyes were nearly closed and he looked so peaceful.

"Go on, go to sleep. I woke you up anyway. I'm perfectly fine playing with your hair for a few more hours."

Harry laughed softly.

"Thanks, sis," he said and soon he was fast asleep in her lap.

~*~

"Harry," said a soft voice many hours later.

Harry didn't respond. He was still fast asleep. Hermione stared down at him, then at the clock, then at the doorway to Harry's room.

"Harry," she cooed softly.

He still didn't utter a sound. All she could hear was the gentle breaths issuing from his mouth. Her hands somehow found his hair again. She pushed it off his forehead and his eyes began to open.

"Wakes me up every bloody time. Thanks a lot, disturbing-my-most-peaceful-sleep-in-about-a-month-so-called-friend-slash-sister-Hermione," Harry murmured.

"Are you always so cranky when you wake up?"

"Unfortunately for me, it depends on what dream I have. Sometimes I'm about to scream with anxiousness to wake up. Other times I just want to sleep the whole day away and not have to deal with my life."

"I see. Well not literally of course because then I would have to-"

"Hermione. It's too early for this! I just woke up," Harry protested her logic.

"Yes. It's also dinnertime, which is why I woke you up in the first place. Your aunt told me to. Did you know that you're nearly deaf when you're sleeping? It was so funny. Your aunt must have yelled your name a hundred times and you never woke up," Hermione said cracking a smile.

"Oh. I wonder if I was like that when I was a baby..." Harry trailed off.

Hermione gazed down at him. His eyes were a dark kind of hurt green. Forest-green. Instead of showing the depths of the forest's colors, it showed the depths of Harry's emotions. Right now, Hermione noted that he was in despair.

Hermione also noted how hard it was to read emotions off his face. You had to pay close attention to the way he spoke and even then it was hard as heck to tell. Harry, she knew, had never been good at controlling his emotions. They showed no matter what he did. Now it was completely different. Every emotion stayed hidden beneath the surface except for the occasional hint of depression and despair.

"You need to relax more, Harry. You spend way too much time worrying and getting worked up over small things," she said, yet again voicing a thought aloud.

"Hmm. I'll think about it. Ahhh. Not possible, try again," Harry said sarcastically.

Hermione looked a little offended at this.

"I was only trying to help," she whispered.

Instead of flying off the handle like he would have if she had said that only a few months before, his expression merely softened.

"I know you were," he said, his eyes closing and opening again two seconds later.

"Are you two coming down for dinner?" Dudley yelled up the stairs.

"Ready to go?" Hermione said.

"Certainly," Harry replied.

Neither of them moved.

"Too comfortable. Here, I'll stay in bed and you can go down. I'm not really hungry anyway," Harry offered.

Hermione stared at him blankly. How could he not be hungry when the most he'd had to eat all day was half a bowl of chips?

"I'm not going without you," she said stubbornly.

"Are you hungry?"

Hermione nodded.

"Then go. I'll be fine. Just make sure you come back up when you're done."

Hermione sighed. "You're so stubborn!"

Harry didn't say anything and Hermione shoved Harry off her and went down to dinner.

"Not stubborn," he whispered after her, "just depressed."

Hermione never heard him.

~*~

At Number 12 Grimmauld Place, headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, there was a very serious meeting going on.

The mood was somber, as it always was now that Sirius was gone. Molly Weasley felt that if Harry were there he wouldn't last two seconds in the room without bursting into tears and running away. In fact, the air was so thick with sadness that Molly wanted to do exactly that. Everyone missed Sirius. He had brought such a life of happiness into the Order and in the midst of darkness lightened everyone's mood. Molly finally understood why Harry loved him so much.

"I've gathered you all here for a very important reason. Severus has returned to us with very bad news. I shall turn it over to him now," Dumbledore said.

Snape nodded and all eyes in the room focused on him as he stood up.

"As you know, I've just returned from another Death Eater meeting. I would like to first inform you that Voldemort hasn't picked up on the fact that I am a spy for the Light and I doubt he will anytime soon."

A few sighs of relief were heard in the room.

Snape cleared his throat and continued. "On a much more serious note, Voldemort has mentioned that he has a plan to convert Potter to the Dark Side. He has assured us that with no doubt the plan won't fail.

"He knows the people Potter holds dearest to him are dead. James and Lily Potter and Sirius Black. As he did last year, he will send dreams to Potter of these people. Supposedly, they are to torture him until he turns on the Light. He has not said any more of the details.

"What worries me the most is that Potter will have no power to stop these dreams. After his failed attempts at Occlumency this past year, I'd be surprised if he could block anything.

"Also, I worry that death has affected the boy in a way that he won't recover from, a deep depression or something of that sort. He might not even want to stop the dreams just so he can see those he loves again. If that is the case, Potter can be easily lured to the Dark. For now, this is all I know. As more information is given, I shall report to you."

Snape sat back down.

Dumbledore stood up. "Thank you, Severus. Does anyone have anything else to add?"

Molly stood up. "I'd just like to inform you that my two youngest are visiting Harry and Hermione next weekend and I'll find out from them if Harry's acting differently than normal."

Dumbledore nodded. "Thank you, Molly. Is that all?"

He surveyed the room. No one seemed to have anything to say.

"That will be all. Have a good night."

~*~

After dinner Hermione came back upstairs, carrying two rolls. For some reason she didn't feel the least bit out of place at Harry's house. It was the same as not feeling awkward when being referred to as Harry's sister.

She entered Harry's room. He was still lying on the bed, just as she had left him. He was staring at the wall blankly.

A flash of lightning illuminated Harry's face. His green eyes sparkled. One hand flew to his scar, the thumb tracing it. The other hung limply off the side of the bed...

Forty seconds later, another flash of lightning lit up the sky. Again, Harry traced his scar.

"Sis, where are you?" Harry whispered as if he was scared.

"I'm right here Harry. I'm right here."

Another flash of lightning sent Harry screaming into his pillow. Soon the rolls lay forgotten on the desk. Hermione cradled Harry in her arms.

"Friggen thunderstorms," Harry whispered. "I never thought this would happen."

"What? Oh..."

The shimmering look of sorrow in Harry's eyes told her all she needed to know. It was his parents, Cedric, and Sirius. There was a lightning strike for each painful memory.

Then lightning struck again. This time it illuminated Hermione's face. Harry chose that moment to look up at her. Instantly he began to shiver. Her face seemed chalk white, just like after she had seen the basilisk...

"What's it now?" Hermione asked a little fearfully.

"You in our second year. When I found out you were petrified, you looked so pale. Lightning, when it lights up your face, it does that to you... I have too many bad memories..." Harry trailed off, absently playing with the end of Hermione's sleeve.

After a while of them just sitting side by side, Harry resumed his position that he had been in most of the day, his head once again resting on Hermione's lap. Soon enough Hermione's hands found their home playing in his hair.

Harry chuckled softly. "You really like my hair don't you," he joked.

"Always have, always will."

Lightning flashed once more and this time Harry did nothing.

~~**~~

A/N: "Why don't I talk about my sexual immaturity with you?" he said jokingly. ~Jerry Seinfeld when asked if he was immature about anything on 60 minutes.