Remus Re-erected

Chapter 2. Remus Reconnected: The Inability to Accept the Consequences.

"'Every man has his price.' This is not true. But for every man there exists a bait which he cannot resist swallowing."

- Fredrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

***

"I didn't think about what I was saying," Sirius acknowledged. He sat on the floor of the dormitory, looking up at Remus on the bed. "I know I'm a tit, not as big a tit as Snivellus, but I am a tit. You have every reason to hate me; hell, you have every reason to beat the crap out of me! But I still want us to be friends, and that's up to you. I can't promise not to do something just as stupid in the future; I'll try not to, but I can't promise. You know what I'm like, always acting impulsively, as the moment takes me." Sirius paused to run a hand through his hair, giving Remus an apologetic look as he did so. "I hate that you ended up so badly injured because of me. I hate that I risked it getting out about you being a werewolf. But I can't take it back. It's done. And I won't beg you to forgive me, because that's just crass. All I can say is 'sorry'. And I am, Remus. Really, I am. If you want me to piss off now, then say so. Just... let me know if you still want to hang around with me. Whatever you want; I can accept the consequences."

And Remus knew that Sirius had meant every word. If anything, Sirius was honest. And brave. If Remus had ever got himself into a similar scenario, he could never envisage facing up to it in the way Sirius had. He probably would have grovelled, begged for forgiveness, and made promises to the ends of the earth that it would never happen again--anything to be liked once more. Sirius could accept that he had no right to receive absolution from Remus, and if Remus wanted to hate him then Sirius would let him. Sirius wouldn't compromise his personality for anyone. If that meant he ended up losing all of his friends because of it, then he would be friendless. Remus thought this to be unquestionably brave.

Bravery was an ambiguous concept to Remus. Some people, like Sirius, seemed to have it in abundance in all areas of their lives. Remus felt as if he didn't possess any. Certainly, people had told him that they thought he was brave, that he had it in him when it was necessary. Whenever in the middle of a duel with a Death Eater, or having to deal with a dangerous creature, Remus knew how to switch off and do what had to be done. But he didn't view that as bravery; he saw it as survival--you didn't have to think; you just reacted. Bravery came from acting even though you had the opportunity to think and to acknowledge all the possible negative outcomes--when you had a choice of whether to act or not. In situations such as these, Remus felt he couldn't be any more of a coward. If there was a way to avoid the negative outcomes, he'd take it. If there was somewhere to hide from the world, Remus would be there.

Right now, on his way to collect Harry, Remus needed somewhere to hide from the world. Some would argue that what he was doing at this moment was incredibly brave, but Remus would have to point out that he didn't exactly have much say in the matter. His last hope had been Hedwig, but Hedwig had never shown up. Evidently, Harry was quite happy with the "arrangements".

How did I get myself into this? Remus asked himself, as he attempted to walk, rather than stagger, from Arabella Figg's house to number four Privet Drive. Bloody high heels! At the rate I'm going, I'll end up at St. Mungo's before I get around to 'collecting' Harry. I'm so glad I'm not his teacher anymore.

He'd never used Polyjuice to impersonate a woman before, but the experience of his body changing shape was not completely unlike morphing into another man's figure. The worst part had to be the sensation of feeling his most treasured parts reorganise themselves into something quite alien; he had to keep telling himself that they would be coming back, once the potion wore off. And the clothes would definitely take getting used to.

Tonks had had an evil glint in her eye when she passed over what he would be wearing: high heels, a thong, a bra, an excessively tight top, and a skirt that barely covered the essentials--he hoped he'd remember not to bend over to pick anything up. She had had to help him with the clasp of the bra, and with getting the damn appendages in the cups, adding, as she did so, "I'm sure it won't matter too much, if tomorrow, you turn up at the station braless."

The bra pinched him and felt restrictive around his chest, and the top didn't help in this respect, only serving to suffocate him further. The skirt restrained the tops of his legs far too much, making it awkward to walk--which was difficult enough, thanks to the shoes. The skirt also rode up as he walked; he had to keep stopping in order to tug it down for fear of exposing all--and he would be exposing practically everything, wearing the thong that she had given him. But, apart from leaving his bum chilly, he had to admit that wearing the thong wasn't an entirely unpleasant sensation. At least she had given him more appropriate clothing to wear for tomorrow's journey to the station.

If Kingsley hears about this, he's going to have my head on a platter, Remus fretted, thinking back to what Tonks had said as she and Hermione had put the finishing touches to his hair and make-up.

"Watch out for Giles, and no funny business with my body!" Tonks had insisted. "Except with Harry, of course... And make sure you use your tongue! Dudley will know that something's up if you don't put on a performance like I did last time. Don't be afraid to get friendly. Harry's going to be expecting it."

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this," he had moaned before Tonks pulled him close for a hug.

"Make the most of it, Remus. I'm sure it'll do you good."

He knocked tentatively, praying for Harry's aunt and uncle to answer the door. The door opened immediately, and Remus was disappointed to see it was just Dudley.

"It's you, again," Dudley sneered before turning to the stairs. "Hey pervert! Your girlfriend's here!"

Harry came down, carrying his trunk and looking a bit uneasy. He glared at Dudley before catching Remus's eye. Remus grinned, mainly in an effort to give himself some confidence.

"Wotcher, Harry," Remus called out, and Harry smiled back, appearing to relax slightly.

Harry reached the bottom of the stairs and freed his hands of the trunk. It's now or never, Remus told himself as he reached to bring Harry close and give him a squeeze. Harry played along, hugging him back. Remus took a deep breath, leant back slightly and then moved his face towards Harry's.

I can't believe I'm doing this. Remus's thoughts began to race as they closed in for the kiss. For the first time in weeks, he couldn't escape them. It was either acknowledge them or throw himself into what he was doing at the moment, and he was sure the latter would not be appropriate.

It's certainly an odd sensation, kissing with somebody else's lips, he considered, trying to distract himself by comparing the way this body reacted to the way his own would have. He felt very relieved that Harry wouldn't be made physically aware of just how much Remus was enjoying what they were doing. Harry's arms then gradually made their way further around his--Tonks's--body before holding on more firmly.

It's been so long since... And this is so... nice. Why does he have to be sixteen? Remus absently let his hands run along the muscles of Harry's back. He's definitely filled out more than I'd imagined. But I used to go to school with his father, for Christ's sake! I used to sleep with his godfather!--true, that was over fifteen years ago. Remus could feel fingertips making their way underneath his top, and he gasped at the unexpected contact of skin. It's too late to do anything about it now, and it's only a prank on Dudley's behalf, nothing more. I'm not about to show Harry up in front of Dudley. Besides, he knows what he's doing, and this is only a kiss... Oh! My god! I can feel his... He's hard!

Remus snapped out of his complacency towards the situation and pulled away from Harry's lips. Harry looked into his eyes and gulped. He was flushed, and Remus could imagine that he looked just as bad.

"Ugh, you two just get worse and worse," Dudley sneered from the lounge doorway, clearly ready to run if necessary. He looked between Harry and Remus, and he seemed to sense the underlying awkwardness between them; it was a weakness that Dudley was only too keen to take advantage of. He looked at Remus and spoke again, "Did he tell you that I overheard everything that night you stayed over?"

"Dudley!" Harry shouted, the colour instantly draining from his face. He grabbed his coat and owl cage, and picked up the trunk once more, herding Remus out of the front door.

As soon as it shut behind them, Remus asked about Dudley's comment.

"I... er, please don't tell anyone," Harry pleaded as they began to walk down the driveway, toward Arabella Figg's house. "I don't want to get her into trouble."

"As long as I can wind Tonks up about it," Remus jested, and Harry grinned. "I'll get the details out of you, later. Here, let me carry something..." Remus trailed off as he leaned over to take Harry's suitcase, noticing the empty cage that Harry was holding. He gestured towards it. "Harry, where's Hedwig?"

"I don't know," Harry said. "She's been gone for the past four days."

"So, you couldn't tell me... to change the arrangements?" Remus felt his stomach turn, and he tried not to think about how much Harry hadn't wanted that kiss. Did he force Harry? Did he push himself on Harry too much? But whatever Harry's initial thoughts, he had certainly seemed to make the most of it, Remus acknowledged.

"No, I couldn't," Harry admitted. "And the Dursleys won't let me make any outgoing telephone calls. I did try once, when they went out yesterday, but I couldn't get through. I was hoping that Hermione might phone me back."

"We've had problems with the phone at Grimmauld Place for the past couple of days. Mr. Weasley was still trying to fix it when I left this morning." Remus stopped briefly to look Harry in the eye. "You weren't paying attention, were you, when I told you the details over the phone?"

Harry shook his head. "I was a little bit... unsettled, after I realised that Hermione was no longer on the phone."

"You were unsettled?" Remus said with a laugh. "Tonks didn't warn me when she handed me the phone. I must say, it was a bit of a revelation to hear all that coming from you."

Harry blushed and bowed his head.

"Harry, don't get all embarrassed about it," Remus insisted. "I'm sorry I got you into this situation. Tonks, Hermione, and George badgered me into it, and I... I thought you were okay with the arrangements because I hadn't received a message to say otherwise--"

"George knows?" Harry asked incredulously, his face clearly showing that he wasn't happy with this piece of news.

"Look, you shouldn't have to feel awkward," Remus said. "If there are going to be any digs, then it will be me who's going to bear the brunt of it. As far as you were concerned, you were as good as kissing Tonks."

To Remus's surprise this only seemed to leave Harry blushing even more.

"Harry? What's wrong?"

"It's just that it was... different."

Harry glanced up, and Remus frowned to show that he didn't understand what Harry was implying.

"I suppose it's because you looked the same as Tonks; I expected it to be the same--the kiss, that is," Harry explained. "But it wasn't. It felt like I was kissing somebody else in her body."

"Am I that bad at it?"

"No! It was... unexpected... nice."

"Better than Tonks?" Remus asked, unable to resist, and he laughed when Harry nodded. "Can I tell her?"

"Okay, as long as you promise not to tell anyone else," Harry insisted. "I'd never live that sort of an admission down at school!"

The conversation drifted to Harry's life at Hogwarts as they walked the rest of the way to Arabella's house. When they arrived, Remus gratefully changed his shoes before they travelled by Floo powder to the Green Dragon. They arrived in the smaller of the two public bars at the inn, which was practically empty. Walking over to the bar, Remus called out for Giles, who came rushing out to meet them.

"Tonks! I wasn't expecting you," Giles enthused, and Remus opened his mouth to correct Giles, but he didn't get the chance. "And you're Harry? It's good to meet you at last. Don't worry; I won't give you any of that hero-worship nonsense. I bet you've had enough of that in your time, eh?"

Harry smiled gratefully.

"Tonks, my lovely," Giles continued, apparently without stopping to breathe. "I'm afraid there's been a bit of a problem with the room. You see, ol' Fudge has made a last minute booking. The room you were going to get... Well, he always has it, and I couldn't exactly tell him what I was going to use it for. Don't you dare tell anyone, mind; he wouldn't appreciate me spreading gossip about him and his wife only ever staying in a twin room! But this has left me in a bit of a dilemma, seeing as it's you, Tonks. We're fully booked up, apart from the one room, and I'm not too sure it'll be appropriate for you and Harry to share it. If you want, you could always let Harry have it to himself. I don't mind making space for you in my bed."

Harry started to laugh, and Giles glanced over and winked at him. "I've always had a bit of a soft spot for Tonks, but she won't play ball. Looks like my luck could be in tonight, though!" He blew Remus a kiss. "I swear I never set this up; I never knew you'd be turning up. But I really can't let you share the same room as Harry: it just wouldn't be appropriate, not at his age!"

"Giles!" Remus practically shouted in his attempt to get a word in edgeways. "I'm not Tonks."

"You're not?" Giles couldn't hide the disappointment from his face. "Oh! So who are you?"

"I thought Albus arranged all this with you. Didn't he tell you who'd be coming?"

"Remus?" Giles asked tentatively, studying the image of Tonks before him.

Remus nodded.

"Oops!" Giles grinned. "Well, you can't blame me for trying. Anyway, it's good to see you, Remus. I must say, I don't think you've ever looked quite so ravishing! If you want to continue taking the Polyjuice all night, I still wouldn't say no to having you in my bed!"

"Giles!" Remus pleaded. "Can we just go up to the room? And no matter what's wrong with it, we've still got to share. I'm not allowed to leave Harry; I've got to keep an eye on him, just in case anything happens."

"Spoilsport," Giles moaned as he bent down to retrieve a key from behind the bar. Standing up, he motioned towards a door on one side of the room. "This way. You're on the second floor.

"That Polyjuice will wear off, won't it?" Giles asked as they followed him up the stairs. "I still don't think it's very fair to expect a boy Harry's age to sleep next to you, not when you're looking like that."

"Yes, it will," Remus confirmed. "I've got about half an hour left before I change back."

"Good, good. Well, here we are then," Giles announced, stopping to unlock a door.

The door opened into a tiny room that had barely enough space for a double bed. The only section of floor that could be seen was about a foot wide and ran alongside the bed to another door in the far wall.

"That there's the toilet and shower," Giles said, pointing to the second door. "You see why it wouldn't have done to let Harry stay here with Tonks?"

Remus smiled and nodded.

"I've only been able to cast a Silencing Charm on the room," Giles informed them as they covered the sparse section of carpet with Harry's belongings and Remus's overnight bag. "Anything fancier and it'd attract too much attention. I'll bring up some food in a bit. You'll have to eat it on the bed."

Remus sat sideways on the bed, leaning against the wall and facing the door. He watched as Harry clambered across to have a look in the shower room. From where he was, Remus could see that it was just as pokey as the bedroom. With the toilet, sink, and shower, there was just enough room for a person to turn around.

"It's not exactly the Ritz," Remus joked.

"It's bigger than the cupboard under the stairs at the Dursley's," Harry pointed out as he sat next to Remus a little bit further down the bed. "And I've never stayed in a room with an en-suite bathroom before."

"Speaking of the Dursleys... what was it that Dudley overheard?" Remus chuckled, and Harry blushed.

"More than we realised," Harry admitted. "Tonks had cast a Silencing Charm, but we forgot that the window was open."

"I bet Giles would be envious."

Only a few minutes later, a soft tap came from the door, and then it clicked open. Giles pushed the door open fully with his elbow and walked in carrying a tray. On it were two plates of steaming fried fish, sautéed potatoes and green beans, and two mugs of butterbeer. He carefully laid it on the bed, looking a little flustered as he did so.

"Remus, do you realise it's not very ladylike to sit like that?" Giles asked. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you."

It was only then that Remus noticed he'd been sitting with one leg outstretched and the other bent at the knee, giving Giles a glorious view under Tonks's skirt. His leg snapped straight to lie flat on the bed. Feeling the bed start to wobble, he looked over to see Harry laughing.

"Careful, you'll spill the drinks," Remus chastened lightly, before calling out a word of thanks as Giles left.

"Tonks wouldn't be impressed if she knew you'd been flashing to Giles," Harry said with a grin as they began to eat.

"No, I dare say she wouldn't. So please don't tell her."

"Are you sure you're not going to..." Harry raised his eyebrows suggestively and motioned towards the door with his head. "He seems very keen."

"Harry!" Remus exclaimed, trying to restrain his own smile, but failing.

They continued the light banter throughout the meal, with Harry joking about Giles, and Remus making a few comments about Tonks in retaliation. Harry seemed a lot more comfortable around Remus than he had ever been, and Remus assumed that Harry was only this relaxed in his company because he had been alone all summer and had missed having someone to talk to. But no matter what the reasons, Remus was enjoying the easy way they were relating to each other.

Only as Remus was finishing off his last mouthful did he realise what he should've done earlier.

He started to feel uncomfortable--more than previously--in Tonks's clothes, and looked up to find Harry was staring at him, with a sadistic smirk. All of a sudden, a loud rip! could be heard as Remus's shoulders split the fabric of Tonks's t-shirt, and Harry sniggered. Oh dear, I think I'd better get-- Any further thoughts quickly fled from Remus's mind as the sensation of pain rippled through him from his groin. Tonks's thong was too small, and whatever it was made of was far too durable. His eyes widened, and his jaw opened in a silent scream.

"I... I'm..." he stammered, before giving up trying to talk. Instead, he grabbed his bag and staggered into the cramped shower room.

As soon as the door was shut, Remus ripped the garment off and sunk to the floor in a heap, nursing the tender parts of his anatomy. He sat there for a while as he waited for the soreness to subside, feeling it smart in time with his own heartbeat.

"Remus, are you all right?" Harry called through the door, sounding worried.

"I will be," Remus croaked back, his eyes still watering, adding, "I hope," under his breath.

After taking a few deep breaths, he stood up and pulled himself into the shower. He tried to soothe himself with the jet of cool water, washing himself down as he did so. Having gingerly dried himself, he opened his bag and pulled out his pyjamas. It was a bit of a struggle to pull them on, as he was still feeling quite tender. Afterwards, he picked up the remainder of Tonks's ripped clothing and cast a Repairing Charm.

Remus shuffled though the doorway, and dropping his bag back on the floor, he carefully climbed back onto the bed to resume his earlier sitting position. Harry was looking at him in sympathy.

"I think I've learnt a very important lesson tonight--" Remus began to say.

"If you want to wear women's underwear, then you need to get a bigger size!" Harry finished off for him with a chuckle.

When Giles returned to collect the tray he was disappointed to see that the Polyjuice had worn off. Harry couldn't resist filling him in on the details of Remus's transformation, which Giles found highly amusing. Remus hadn't appreciated Harry's openness, but he soon changed his mind when he realised Harry had gained him a free glass of firewhiskey and a jar of emollient cream.

Remus sat there, sipping his drink and feeling much better after having briefly returned to the shower room to soothe himself with the cream.

"Have you ever had to take Polyjuice to impersonate a woman before?" Harry asked.

"No, and I think this experience has just about put me off for life."

"What's it like? I mean... does it feel very different?"

"A little disconcerting at first, when you realise that certain parts of you are no longer there. But it's still the same disorientating feeling of not being in your own skin. Have you ever taken Polyjuice?"

"Once, during my second year at Hogwarts. We wanted to find out if Malfoy knew who the heir of Slytherin was. Hermione prepared it, but she ended up putting a cat hair in hers by mistake."

"Second year? Hermione certainly knows what she's doing--cat hair notwithstanding." Remus finished his drink off and placed the glass on the floor, flinching as he bent too far over. "You know that odd feeling you get from looking out of another person's body?"

Harry nodded.

"Well, it's like that, only you've got a different shape. I don't know how else to explain it."

"Does it feel odd to kiss someone in a different body?"

"Er..." Remus was thrown for a moment; he had managed to put the memory of the kiss out of his mind, up until this point. He tried to be as ambiguous with his answer as possible, to avoid spluttering out 'I felt just as turned on as I would've done in my own body.' Instead, he opted for, "A little, but the nerve endings don't appear to be wired up that differently." I don't think I want to be having this discussion, he worried. Just don't ask me if I enjoyed it.

Harry yawned, and Remus took the opportunity to prompt him to get ready for bed. Remus then got himself comfortable under the covers, retrieving his book and starting to read while Harry took a shower.

When Harry returned, in huge, striped pyjamas that looked as if they once belonged to Vernon Dursley, Remus felt a sudden shift in tension in the atmosphere of the room.

"Harry, are you okay?" he asked. "It's not a problem is it? Us sharing this bed?"

"Not exactly..."

"What is it then? I promise you don't have to worry about me jumping you."

"I didn't think that," Harry chuckled a little awkwardly. "It's just that I've have had some... intense dreams lately. Dudley's been very eager to tell me all about the things I've been saying in my sleep."

"Nightmares?"

"Er, no. Not that sort of dream."

"I see. Well, if you wake me up with any lurid noises, or moaning anyone's name, I'll be sure to give you a jab in the ribs. And if it makes you feel any better, I promise I won't repeat anything you say to anyone, even Tonks, no matter how tempted I might be."

"Thanks," Harry said, still looking sheepish. "Will you tell me what I say?"

"If you want me to," Remus sighed. "Does it worry you that much, then?"

Harry nodded.

"Don't let it. It's not as if you've got any control over your dreams, and I'm quite capable of respecting your privacy."

"Thanks."

They both settled down in the bed, with Harry reaching out to switch off the light. For a while, Remus could feel Harry tossing and turning next to him, until Remus drifted off into a deep slumber himself.

As he slept, an image came to him from his days at Hogwarts. He was alone with Sirius, before they had become close. They were talking and jesting with each other. He didn't realise it at the time, but looking back, it was obvious that they were subconsciously flirting. Both of them were constantly pushing the conversation further, into more risqué territories. And they were always trying to trigger an emotional response in the other; embarrassment seemed to be the easiest one to go for. It seemed to help make them feel closer than they actually were.

The image then shifted to a time when they were closer, much closer. There was the sensation of Sirius pressed up against Remus's back, with hot breath ghosting over the nape of his neck. This had been a regular position of theirs, whether it was when Sirius had snuck into Remus's bed at Hogwarts, or when Remus stayed over at Sirius's flat. It was a way of snuggling up together that Remus thoroughly enjoyed; he loved the feeling of having this much physical contact with Sirius.

They lay there, spooned, with Sirius wrapping an arm over Remus and running a hand across his chest. Sirius lazily rubbed himself up against Remus in a most delectable spot, and Remus let out a pleasurable moan, shifting his hips backwards to create more friction. He could feel Sirius's lips softly moving along his hairline as Sirius's hand slid lower over his abdomen.

"Mmm... Remus..."

The name was slurred, as if Sirius was half-asleep. Only it wasn't Sirius's voice.

Groggily prising his eyes open, Remus could see that he wasn't in the dormitory at Hogwarts, or in the bed at Sirius's flat. The memory stung him, and he winced, realising just how long it had been since an episode such as that one had really occurred. But the warm body was still there, grinding exquisitely against him. Harry...he realised suddenly.

Trying to ignore how good it felt, he attempted to shift round, but his movement only triggered Harry's arm to tighten around his body, holding him fast, and Remus barely succeeded in half-twisting his shoulders. In the greyness of the room, Remus could see that Harry was still sleeping.

"Harry!" he called gently. "Harry, wake up!"

Harry's eyes half-opened, and Remus knew that Harry was not completely awake. To Remus's surprise, Harry abruptly leaned forward and pressed their lips together before Remus had the opportunity to pull away. Remus gasped as Harry's hand suddenly shifted downwards, grasping at Remus's erection, which was tenting the material of his pyjamas. After only a few seconds, Harry had woken fully and soon became well aware of the situation. His eyes widened suddenly as he drew his mouth away from Remus's. Remus could only stare back at him, still in shock--in as much shock as Harry seemed to be experiencing. They both froze, and time seemed to stop.

Remus felt torn inside. He knew he should be pushing Harry away, and that this was in no way appropriate. He could imagine what other people would say if they knew of the predicament Remus now found himself in, and how disappointed they would be with him for not instantly rectifying the situation. But he also felt weak: the memory of Sirius was far too fresh in his mind. It would be so easy to let himself go, to just sink into the feeling of being so close to someone after all this time.

He knew that whatever decision he came to would require a small amount of bravery on his part: pushing Harry away and making him cope with the embarrassment of the situation as well as rejection, or Remus feeling as if he was taking advantage of Harry by making the first move. He didn't know if he could accept the responsibility of making this choice; he couldn't accept the potential consequences, either way. So, he took the coward's way out. He lay there, doing nothing, letting Harry decide what to do next.

In the space that followed, Remus felt his erection twitch automatically against Harry's hand, once... twice... and Remus knew his face had reddened in the darkness at his uncontrolled reaction. But it was this movement that appeared to spur Harry to action. Remus could do nothing but watch as Harry's face slowly descended to kiss him once more. Only one thought passed through Remus's mind as their lips met: I'll probably be going to hell for this.