101 Ways to Woo Hermione Granger

101 Ways to Woo Hermione Granger

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To: The Weepy Granger
From: The Nearly-Perfect Malfoy
Night

Granger,

Contrary to popular belief, we Malfoys are only human. Didn’t mean to upset your plans of a ménage à trois last night at the restaurant. My only excuse is that when I saw you weeping on Potter’s shoulder, it occurred to me that you are still deluded by the false impression that those two nimnuts can actually help you. I would have thought you’d known better by now. Still, I guess there’s no accounting for judgment during emotional times such as breakups. I vaguely remember the despair of our own.

I’m offering my services, free of charge, of course, because I still owe you for that arse-saving hex you rescued me with during that fateful night.

Based on the overflow of tears last night, I think we should meet someplace privately. How about the manor at 7:00 p.m.? Don’t concern yourself with anything, it’s all under control.

Soon to be Yours Again,

Draco

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To: The Coy Granger
From: The Almighty Malfoy
Re: Manners

Granger,

Bad form, you saucy wench. Your refusal is hereby declined.

Bringing up past mistakes is beneath you. I won’t hold it against you. And no, I will not role-play the naughty inquisitor for you, even if you were to ask nicely. What would I gain by asking you about that torrid love affair with a Muggle anyway?

Be here tonight at 7:00 p.m. It’s important.

Your Slytherin Prince,

Draco

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To: The Irksome Granger
From: Ever-Patient Malfoy
Re: Forgiveness

Granger,

Ignoring me won’t work either. As you didn’t show up last night, I’ve given strict orders to Attila. He’s not to return until you attach a reply. And don’t feed him any of those sausage bits you give to that mangy cat of yours, because he’s on all all-beef diet. I’ll not have him getting as fat as your feline.

If you don’t appear at the manor tonight, same hour as previously requested, I will be forced to Apparate into Muggle London. You know how I hate it there. They openly gawk at me. Come to Wiltshire.

Ever-Truly Yours,

Draco

P.S. Stop sweet-talking Attila, he’s been trained to ignore such tactics, ever since last year.

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To: The Wiley Granger
From: The Perturbed, but still Magnificent Malfoy
Re: Gall

Granger,

I had greatly underestimated you. It never occurred to me that you would actually post Potter out on your door stoop as a bodyguard. Really, was that necessary? After I made the effort of paying a friend a visit, I’m rejected, and treated like common folk.

I’m starting to feel as if you’re trying to avoid me. No matter, just attach a speedy reply, and all will be forgiven.

Your Sugar Quill,

Draco

P.S. Potter took the flowers I had brought for you. Do you think he fancies me? I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to squelch that rumor for years now!

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To: The Artistic Granger
From: The Omnipotent Malfoy
Re: Lunch

Granger,

I am overwhelmed by your drawing skills. I never knew you were capable of such a masterpiece. True work of art. Although I did think the animation of the pigs flying was a bit over the top. The icy blue tones you used in depicting Muggle hell freezing over is captivating. Have you given thought to doing this professionally?

It occurred to me that perhaps you may be swayed by ill-advisors against meeting me in the evening hours. I can’t seem to escape the irrevocable reputation I have of wooing the female species, however, I will be sensitive to your concerns, and will reschedule our meeting for lunch.

Tomorrow, half past noon, here at the manor. Or are you feeling threatened by territorial advantage? If so, we can make arrangements to meet at the restaurant of your choice.

Your Flaxened Haired Glory,

Draco

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To: The Stoically-Stubborn Granger
From: The Long-Suffering Malfoy
Re: Adding Insult to Injury

Granger,

You, of all people, should remember my powers of Occlumency. Therefore, it will come as no surprise to you that the Obliviate attempt you sent did not work. It was absurd of you to have tried it. However, I am thinking you’ve been tempted to use such desperate measures as a result of your recent heartbreak.

Now stop with this nonsense. You know how irresistible it is to me when you use magick against me. But we really do need to talk. No hanky panky intended. Not yet, anyway.

You’ve also totally destroyed Attila’s diet. Shame on you. Now you owe it to me to meet tomorrow. I’ll come by first thing in the morning.

Your Sexy Soul Mate,

Draco

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To: The Gracious Granger
From: The Erotic Malfoy
Re: Your Heart

Granger,

Even though it was through a closed door, it was wonderful speaking with you this morning. Did it bring back some fond memories for you? It must have stirred up something for you, since you posted the large black heart outside on your door with the red letters: LUV STNX.

As I mentioned this morning, I will have you back by Valentine’s Day. You’re in denial, and that’s understandable, after your recent history of break ups. However, keep in mind that the only reason I allowed you to break up with me last year was due to the fact that that you lied to me, and tricked me into thinking you didn’t love me.

I know now that your concerns were foolishly based on our differences. You will be dealt with once you’re back in my arms. I’ve already come up with some fitting methods of punishment.

I’ll be back promptly at 8:00 p.m. Shall I bring take-away?

Your Heart Throb,

Draco

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To: The Humorous Granger
From: The Mildly Entertained Malfoy
Re: Dinner Table

Granger,

The table for one set outside on your sidewalk was so very heartwarming. I can’t decide which was more affectionate, that or the box of Bittersweets. Imagine my surprise when I opened the candied hearts and read: Aim Lower, Up Your Meds, Not Again and Static Cling.

Only a few days left before Valentine’s Day, and I’m not sure where we should plan to go. What about Barcelona? We’ll discuss it this evening.

I’ll come calling at half past eight. It would appear you don’t wish to dine with me, so I will plan on bringing dessert.

Your Soon-To-Be Boy Toy,

Draco

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To: The Beautifully Brilliant Granger
From: The Majestic Malfoy
Re: Flamenco Dancing

Granger,

Did you enjoy the travel brochures I left at your door last night? I would have brought them in, but your Patronus was quite convincing in warding me off your property. Are you comparing my kisses to those of a dementor?

I’m not keen on the prison robes you had nailed to your door though. Perhaps it is because of family history, but I’ve no desire to add those to my wardrobe. The little note you had attached, U R My Prison, was alarming. Are you saying you’re willing to be my sex slave now? I’m getting mixed signals here.

By the way, when you shouted, “You love you,” through the locked door, I was extremely touched. Remember my personal motto: “If you’re attractive enough on the outside, people will forgive you for being irritating to the core.” You know me better than I know myself. I do love me, but I love you more.

Your Enamored,

Draco

P.S. If you’re going to nail clothing onto your door, please make it a pair of your knickers next time.

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To: The Giving Granger
From: The Marvelously Gifted Malfoy
Re: Gifts

Granger,

Attila is finally working off the fatty sausage bits you’ve been feeding him. I’ve increased the letters to twice a day, strictly out of concern for his health. Two more days to Valentine’s Day. I’ve taken care of lodging arrangements. You won’t need to pack, because I don’t plan on letting you out of the hotel room very often.

Acceptance is not optional. You will make this trip with me.

By the way, if you find yourself struggling with loneliness, you’re not alone. And yet, you are alone. So very alone. So let me in tonight, when I come calling.

I received a missive from that beastly-looking Weasley owl. “It’s over man, let her go.” The prat was always a failure. He has no motivation for overcoming challenges. That’s probably why you dumped him back at Hogwarts. I sent an appropriate reply, although I hoped to save the Dragon Dung for a more compelling moment. Shame to waste it on that git.

I cherish the mononucleosis plush doll you sent. I knew you still cared! I’m sending along a box of Malfoy’s Mojo Mints. I affectionately recall your oral fixation. Until I’m able to be there myself, let these comfort you.

Your Personal Sex God,

Malfoy

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To: The Formally Known As Granger
From: The Future Husband, Malfoy
Re: Your Proposal

Granger,

You’ve made my day. No, make that my year! The matching martini glasses with “Malfoy Loves Malfoy” on it was so touching that I sent away and had eight more made so we can have a full set. After all, your name will soon be changed to Malfoy.

I didn’t want to rush you, since your recent breakup was still so fresh, but if you’re that keen on it, we can be married in Barcelona.

You have no idea how happy you’ve made me. Let’s keep it private, because I know you won’t want a big ceremonial wedding.

I’ll be by promptly at nine. Sorry so late, but there are many arrangements to be made for our trip!

Your Eternal Companion,

Draco

P.S. Enclosed is a naughty photo I took this morning. And no, it has not been digitally enhanced. It’s 100% Malfoy.

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To: The Goddess Granger
From: The Sugar Daddy Malfoy
Re: Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Granger, (My Ying)

Did something come up last night? I’m worried since there was no answer at your door. I waited for two hours before leaving. I’m sorry, but I had to get back to Wiltshire for some last minute planning for tomorrow, our big day!

I know you’re nervous, but it’s only natural. However, don’t you think the Malfoy voodoo dolls were a bit much? I had to grin when I saw how you painstakingly applied red fingernail polish over the heart before sticking the pins in. Such a genius for detail.

By the way, I’ve figured out your wards. Nothing will stop me tomorrow, Hermione. This has gone on long enough. I’d rather steal your heart than your body, but if it comes to that, I will cart you off over my shoulder.

We are destined to be together, and nothing you say or do will sway me. I promise to give you the same kind of happiness you give me. (Minus the voodoo dolls).

Tomorrow I will be touching you, holding you, kissing you and loving you. And only you.

Be Mine Forever.

Your Yang,

Draco

P.S. Don’t expect Attila tomorrow. I’ll arrive personally first thing in the morning.

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To: The Gorgeous Granger
From: The Besotted Malfoy
Re: Barcelona

Granger,

My favorite place in the whole world is right here next to you. Watching your slow breaths as you sleep, rise and fall, captivates me. Your muscles in repose are beautiful, because the mere thought of them tensing again with desire excites me. The gentleness of your hands completely undo me. You are the very definition of passion.

As our Jewish friends say, our love is b’shert.

Don’t bother getting dressed.

I’ve gone for some fresh espresso and biscotti.

Your Loving Husband,

Draco

P.S. Have I told you lately that I love you?

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