From Both Sides Now

From Both Sides Now

***

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

***

I'm surrounded by people.

People who, before today, had never given me a second glance.

Voldemort is dead. I suppose I should be happy. But all I feel is emptiness. Simpering girls surround me on all sides, the sword of Godric Gryffindor lies beside me as I try to eat, and everyone is talking and laughing around me.

I feel empty.

***

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

***

No matter how much I want to forget, I keep replaying the battle over and over in my head. I keep seeing Professor Sprout run past me, clutching a handful of Mandrakes.

I see myself in battle with two Death Eaters at once.

At one point, I was battling with Remus and Tonks.

I saw both of them die.

Remus first, dropping like a stone. I see Tonks running towards him in my mind's eye, anguish sketched on her pretty young face. I see her clutch him to her. I see myself scream to her, warning of impending danger.

Too late.

I see her body arch gracefully as the jet of green light encircles her body. Then she lies still. I watch through the darkness and scream in frustration and sorrow, chest heaving.

I help Percy carry their bodies through the fray, both of us silent.

I see Voldemort approach me and jam the Sorting Hat on my head. I feel the flames lick my face as it bursts into a fiery explosion. I see myself wrench the hat off my head, pulling out the sword of Godric Gryffindor.

The sword flashes through the air as if in slow motion. I watch as my own hands sweep through the air and bring the sword, flashing, down upon the snake. I watch as it crumples, dead, at my feet.

I feel empty.

***

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

***

I watch as Harry makes a miraculous recovery. As he defeats the greatest wizard of all time.

The monster was only human, after all.

The bodies are moved from the Great Hall into a chamber that is not so crowded with people. At first, Molly Weasley refuses to leave her son: she clutches him to her, his cold body defeated by mortality, and weeps so violently that she has to be led away by her husband. Once she's gone, I stay for a little while, saying goodbye to those who I had gotten to know, pain welling up in my chest. Among the dead I see so many faces that had bright futures, snuffed out in an instant.

I only leave when McGonagall enters the room with Healers, there to identify and take away the bodies. She gives me a small, watery smile and tells me there is a feast in the Great Hall. I suddenly feel decades older than I really am: only days before I would have given anything to be allowed back into the Great Hall. Now the thought of food makes me feel sick inside.

The Great Hall is too loud.

So many people have died, so many have given their lives for this cause. And now it's over. It's all over.

I feel empty.

***

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev'ry fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

***

Across the hall, I can see Luna conversing with Harry. He looks exhausted, as if he wishes to get away from all the people that need to surround him. Obviously Luna believes this too, for suddenly she whispers something to him. He nods, and she yells something about a Blibbering Humdinger, pointing.

I see him slip the Invisibility Cloak suddenly over his head, disappearing from view.

Luna sits back, obviously pleased with her work. Across from her sits Seamus Finnigan, Dean Thomas and Lavender Brown, still looking peaky. All three of them look ecstatic that the battle is finally over, that they can go back to their normal lives.

I still can't seem to muster any enthusiasm.

I feel empty.

***

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

***

Gran comes up beside me. She looks a bit dishevelled from the battle: her dress is torn at the knee, her handbag, although still attached to her arm, is in tatters, and her hat is nowhere to be seen. She stares down at me, her eyes gleaming with unshed tears.

Good old Gran. Trying to be tough even in the most remarkable of circumstances.

She sits down on the bench next to me and suddenly envelops me in a fierce hug.

"I'm so proud," she whispers.

I hug her back, grateful that something is anchoring me to reality.

"How's Professor Sprout?" I ask, recalling how badly she'd been injured during the battle.

My grandmother's smile falters.

"Well..." She hesitates.

"What?" I ask, frowning. "The last I heard, Madam Pomfrey was looing after her. What's happened?"

"Neville..." Gran hesitates again. "She...she's died. Her injuries were too severe."

My sense of reality is lost again as I stare at my grandmother.

"Dead?"

And I feel empty again.

***

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I've changed
Well something's lost, but something's gained
In living every day

***

I don't even realise I've gotten up from the table until I'm halfway out of the Great Hall.

I turn left, heading for the grounds. The sun has come up in earnest now, casting a beautiful orange glow over the castle that seems inappropriate considering the circumstances.

I walk steadily until I reach the lake. Then I just stand, staring out over the still water, feeling detached from everything.

I just want desperately to get rid of the thoughts tumbling around in my head. In the past twenty-four hours I've felt fear, jubilation, hope, terror, grief and fear over and over again in a never-ending circle.

And I'm just beginning to realise that I know nothing. The battle has taught me how much we take for granted, how much we have to lose, and how much I still have to lose. I play moments of the battle over and over again in my head, a blur of jumbled images and rushes of noise, and with each scene I feel a part of myself slipping further and further away.

"Neville?"

My thoughts are grounded suddenly as I hear my name. I turn.

"Hi." My voice sounds quite normal, considering the mad things going on in my head. But this person is not easily fooled, and her eyes seek mine.

"I saw you leave the Great Hall."

"I needed some air."

"Yes," Luna says serenely, coming to a stop beside me. "It was getting awfully crowded in there, wasn't it?"

I nod silently, staring out over the lake.

"You were very brave, you know," Luna continues. I look over at her.

"It wasn't bravery." The words stumble out of my mouth. "I just...I only did what I had to do. What I felt...had to be done."

Luna surveys me with those protuberant eyes of hers. "Daddy says that bravery isn't about what you do, but how you do it. And the bravest thing of all is to know what needs to be done, and to actually do it...when no one else can. Or will."

I don't answer her. I just smile slightly and nod. Luna stands quietly beside me, and together we turn our attention back towards the lake as the suns rays reflect off its smooth surface, making bouncing patterns on Luna's tattered robes.

***

I've looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

***

"I heard about Professor Sprout."

Luna breaks the silence and I turn back to her. I nod, and she stares at me.

"So many people," I say quietly. "So many people have died. It's over."

"Yes," Luna agrees. "But the dead are never really gone from us. When you need them, they'll always be there. Right..." She reaches out a hand and touches my chest. "Here."

To my embarrassment, I feel a burning sensation behind my eyes and turn away from her, pushing fists into my eyes.

"It's all right, you know," she says placidly, rubbing me absently on the back. I nod and straighten, turning to survey the castle. Some parts of it are in ruins; it'll take months to repair all the damage. Luna turns with me, just as the sun bursts through the wooded trees and casts an orange, smoky glow on the castle.

I start suddenly as I feel something warm touch me. It takes me a moment to realise that Luna has taken my hand. It feels warm and soft and small in my own, and I look back at her. She beams at me, and I feel a smile creep over my own face.

"They're never really gone," I repeat in a whisper. Luna nods.

"And there are so many still here."

I nod, and as I stare up at the castle, Luna's hand in my own, I feel something start to creep into me. A warm feeling, starting at my chest and tingling down to my toes and out to my fingers.

Maybe I really don't know anything about life. But I have a whole lifetime to find out.

"Come on." I turn to Luna, tightening my grip on her hand. "Let's go have something to eat."

And suddenly, I don't feel so empty anymore.