The Extremely Private Communal Notebook

Dear Moony, Wormtail, and Padfoot:

Ah yes, I had a lot of fun with...Michelle, I think it was. Took my mind off of most everything. Of course, a gentleman never kisses and tells...but good thing I'm not a gentleman. After our "date" she couldn't wait to...all right Moony, fine! Well, you boys will just have to use your imaginations, because I am not allowed to put the events down on here.

Peter, you actually said that? Don't you know that you aren't supposed to suggest it; you're just supposed to let THEM suggest it? Then, that makes them feel as if THEY are in charge. Merlin, sometimes I wonder where you learn all this stuff. It most certainly is not from me.

Thanks a lot, Moony. I see how much I mean to you. I'm in misery and all you worry about is my horrible singing. Well, just wait until you get down. See what I do then.

Padfoot, you ol' dog, you. You know you don't need MY help in the love department. You've got your little shag bag Susie to help with that. You know she's always ready to go. If I got you a different "buddy" as it were, then where would that leave her? I couldn't do that to her...oh no, that would be most unfair.

Yours in relative bliss,

Prongs

Dear Moony, Padfoot, and Prongs:

James, how do you do it? I actually ask out a girl. You have Padfoot and Moony scrounge for you. And somehow you end up having more sex than I do! It's just not fair! I'll never understand it. You and Sirius can just look at girls and get them off. You have to teach me how!

Moony, if I ever resort to not bathing and lying on the common room floor while singing, not only do you have my permission to kill me, but you have my blessing. And why didn't you tell me that girls don't like that?! Sure, you've got books full of illustrations of genitalia, but nowhere did they say "DON'T ASK A WOMAN TO SUCK YOU OFF." If they had, I might still be out with Cindy. I'm going to do my Dance of Depression soon, so you all better watch out.

Padfoot, you're an arse. Quit making fun of me! I didn't know!

Yours in Depression,

Wormtail

Dear Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs:

With all the censoring I have to do, I don't know how I get any work done. You lot are a full time job.

James, despite your need for sharing gory details, I am glad you had a nice time with Michelle. I wish you'd learn to actually get to know a girl first before you shag her. See, that's the great thing about girls. Some of them have... get this, PERSONALITIES! You know, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, the whole shebang! You'll be shocked to find this out--girls have these things called faces (look just above their boobs. Yes, there is something further up!) and eyes and hair. Wonderful things, really. You should explore one day!

Sirius, no! ABSOLUTELY NO MORE WHISKY FESTS! EVER! I cannot spend another evening massaging the kinks out of your ass after you fall down the ladder to Divination! I just can't! There are some things that mates are not supposed to do!

Yours in shuddering,

Moony

Dear Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs:

Oh, I see how you are Prongs. No love for your best friend, who got you, if I understand, the best mouth in all of Hogwarts. I'm sure you are right about Susie, but hell, what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Just...if you see any really hot blondes out there that are looking for a good time, you can send them my way. Remember, you owe me.

Sorry Peter, but James and I cannot share the secrets of the loving, not even for our sad little friend. I will tell you, it's all in the eyes. If you look away, then you're giving in. Animal Magnetism, it is. Trust me. Plus, learn some subtly. That's important.

Oh, we notice all those things on girls, Moony. You really think that I'd date a hag? Heavens no! And what makes you think that I don't prefer my ladies with the personalities of a wet log? Oh, and don't worry, I've explored every inch of a girl...thoroughly...with feeling even. Oh yes, now I'm wanting to see a certain few feminine features. I am off to find Susie.

Yours in hunting,

Padfoot