Cat, Rat, and History Class: A Harry Potter Movie Parody

Cat, Rat, and History Class: A Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone Parody

PRIVET DRIVE

Cat: I'm just an ordinary cat. No, sir, nothing special about me. I'm certainly not a teacher at a school for wizards, if that's what you're thinking. Nope, nothing to see here...*whistles innocently*

Dumbledore: Oh, hello, Professor McGonagall.

Cat: *transforms* Had you fooled, didn't I?

Fans Who Didn't Read the Book: Wow! I had no idea that cat was really a woman!

Fans Who Read the Book: *throw popcorn at Fans Who Didn't Read the Book*

Hagrid: *arrives violently, giving poor little Harry whiplash*

Dumbledore: Well, let's just leave this poor defenseless baby on this doorstep with a family who hates him, because if we keep him, he'll be a child star and end up in rehab.

Hagrid: *cries like a wimp, giving new meaning to the phrase "gentle giant"*

Baby Harry: *is one extremely adorable orphan*

TEN YEARS LATER

Regular Harry: *is one extremely hot abuse survivor*

Vernon: Cook the bacon, clean the counter, and BRING ME MY COFFEE!

Harry: Harry-relly, Harry-relly, night and day it's Harry-relly...

ZOO

Harry: Hello, Mr. Snake.

Snake: Top o' the mornin'.

Harry: I can talk to you? Well, that's nothing unusual, and I'm sure it's not and important Plot Point that will come up in a year or so. Mind if I miraculously remove this glass and set you free?

Snake: Be my guest.

Harry: *removes glass*

Snake: Thanks.

Harry: No, thank you! Sic 'em, boy! Go get Dudley! Sic' em!

Snake: Hiss!

Dudley: Wahh!

Petunia: Wahh!

PRIVET DRIVE

Vernon: Argh! Explain!

Harry: It was like magic!

Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley: *gasp*

Dudley: He said the "m" word!

NEXT DAY

Harry: Oh, look. A letter for me. Even though this is the first piece of correspondence I've ever gotten, I don't find it odd at all. In fact, this is so normal, that instead of opening it in the privacy of my cupboard, I think I'll go open it in front of Uncle Vernon.

KITCHEN

Letter: *is snatched by Vernon* DUMBASS!

Vernon: Damn it, Petunia! I told you this would come back and bite us in the ass.

NEXT DAY

Vernon's Hair: *looks disheveled*

Vernon: *looks insane*

Harry: *looks pissed*

Vernon: No letters today...

Thousands of Letters: *come flying in the chimney*

Vernon: Damn it.

Harry: *is supposed to be the greatest Seeker who ever lived, but can't seem to catch one of the thousand or so letters*

Vernon: Well, time to head off to a shack on a rock.

SHACK ON A ROCK

Harry: I wish someone would come take me away from these minions of the Anti-Christ.

Hagrid: *enters*

Harry: Damn, that was fast!

Vernon's Gun: BANG!

Audience: Guns, in a children's movie?!

National Rifle Association: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Hagrid: Wow, Harry. You're fat.

Dudley: I'm not Harry.

Hagrid: Wow, Harry. You're scrawny.

Harry: Thanks.

Hagrid: Here, Harry. Have this cake I made. It'll taste like shit and I misspelled "Happy Birthday," but I made it with love. Oh, and it was under my giant arse the whole way here.

Harry: Uh, thanks. *sets it aside*

Hagrid: You're a wizard.

Harry: No.

Hagrid: Yes.

Harry: No.

Hagrid: Yes.

Harry: Okay.

Vernon: No!

Harry: Yes.

Vernon: No!

Harry: Yes.

Petunia: Hello, welcome to History class. You mom was a Muggleborn witch and I hated her. I also hated your father. And I hate you. Your parents were blown up.

Dudley: *eats Hagrid's arse cake*

Vernon: No!

Hagrid: Yes!

Vernon: No!

Hagrid: Yes!

Vernon: Dumbledore sucks!

Hagrid: *gives Dudley a pigtail*

Harry: *looks at Hagrid in awed reverence*

Bette Midler: Did you ever know that you're my hero?

LEAKY CAULDRON

Hagrid: Hey, everybody! It's Harry Potter!

Dedalus Diggle: *fangirls Harry*

Tom: *turns into squeeing, incoherent blob*

Quirrell: Oh, hello, P-p-potter. No, I can't SUBTLE CLUE! shake your FORESHADOW! hand, but you won't find out why for about nine more months. Oh, and have I mentioned that I am EVIL! yet?

Hagrid: Well, off we go. *tappitty, tap tap* Off to the leaning tower of money, which is ran by grouchy little gits.

1 MILLION MILES UNDER LONDON

Harry: Wow! I'm rich! I better spend it wisely, though. Don't want to go blowing the family fortune on something stupid, like candy...right?

VAULT 713

Harry: What's in this vault?

Hagrid: A Plot Point. I shouldn't have told you that, though.

OLIVANDERS

Olivander: Here. Shake this stick.

Wand # 1: Let me go! Put me down! Ahhh! I'm being kidnapped! Help! Don't touch me there! Ahhhhh! I've been violated!

Shelves: *throw up at the sight of the wand being violated*

Olivander: Try this.

Wand # 2: Hi! Want to be friends?

Olivander: Okay, History class is back in session. This wand has a brother, which was bought 50 years ago by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, who gave you that scar. You'd better write this down. It will be on the midterm.

Hagrid: Look, I bought you an extremely pissy owl for your birthday!

THE TABLE OF TRUTH

Hagrid: Hi. Welcome to Flashback Central. I'll be your conductor this evening. There was a bad guy named Voldemort who snuck into your house and killed your parents, then tried to kill you, but he couldn't, and that's why you have a scar. Oh, and he's still alive. You're famous because you're the Boy Who Lived. Got all that?

Harry: Yep!

KINGS CROSS

Harry: Well, this is bloody fantastic.

Mrs. Weasley: ...Muggles...

Percy: *disappears*

Fred and George: *disappear*

Harry: Uh, a little help here?

Mrs. Weasley: Run at that wall.

Ginny: Good luck. *grumble grumble only get one line grumble grumble*

Harry: *crosses over*

TRAIN

Ron: Hi. Just by sheer coincidence, I have to sit with you. Hey, you're Harry Potter! *fangirls*

Harry: Well, I'm desperate to buy your friendship, so I'll buy this entire cart of candy!

Ron: I have eaten over 500 Chocolate Frogs, even though my family is so poor that they can't afford to buy me my own wand. Not that we have mixed up priorities, mind you.

Harry: Of course not.

Ron: This is my rat, Scabbers.

Harry: He's cute.

Ron: Yeah, you think so? Just wait 'til book 3.

Harry: What?

Ron: Nothing.

Scabbers: *whistles innocently*

Hermione: Hello. I'm a bossy bitch who knows everything.

Ron: Okay. Can't argue with the truth!

CASTLE

McGonagall: Okay, I'll be substitute teaching your History class today. There are four houses: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. You'll be sorted and live with your housemates. If you're good, you'll gain points and everyone will love you. If you're bad, you'll lose points, and everyone will think you're scum. The house with the most points wins a shiny gold cup. Got that?

Malfoy: Come over to the dark side, Potter! Oh, and your little friend Weasley is poor.

Potter: I don't care. Shut up.

Malfoy: *glare*

McGonagall: Break it up, break it up. Time to go put on a fashion show with a dusty old hat.

GREAT HALL

Hermione: The ceiling's bewitched. See? I really do know everything!

Dumbledore: FORESHADOW! SUBTLE CLUE! HINT!

McGonagall: Hey, who de-alphabetized my list?

Hat: *sort sort sort sorty sort sort* Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff...ANOTHER WEASLEY?! MY LORD! DO MOLLY AND ARTHUR EVER SLEEP!? Gryffindor.

McGonagall: Harry Potter, come on down!

Hat: Slytherin? Gryffindor? Slytherin? Gryffindor? Ah! I can't decide! I'm so confused!

Sprout: Hufflepuff! Hufflepuff!

Flitwick: Come onnnnnnnn Ravenclaw! Daddy needs a new stack of books to stand on!

McGonagall: Go, go, Gryffindor! Go, go, Gryffindor!

Harry: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin...

Snape: Not Slytherin, not Slytherin! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NOT SLYTHERIN!!!!!

Hat: Fine, take all the fun out of my job. Gryffindor.

Harry: Yay!

Dumbledore: Yes!

McGonagall: HA! IN YOUR FACE, SEVERUS!

Fred and George: WE GOT POTTER! WE GOT POTTER!

Harry: *sits down next to Ron, then somehow apparates to the other side of the table so that he is now sitting between Hermione and Percy*

Ron: Wow, Harry! You really are a powerful wizard! You've already learned how to Apparate!

Hermione: Ron, you can't Apparate anywhere inside the Hogwarts grounds! It's in Hogwarts, a History!

Ron: *grumble grumble Bossy, Know-It-All, Bitch grumble grumble*

Food: *magically appears*

Percy: Okay, since I'm a prefect and I know everything, I'm taking over as the History teacher. See that greasy git? That's Snape. He's the Potions master and head of Slytherin. Everyone thinks he's evil because he wants Quirrell's job.

Harry: Thanks Percy! You just saved my neck!

Nearly Headless Nick: *floats by, no pun intended*

STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

Percy: Come on! Hurry up!

Neville: I'm a pureblood, and therefore should be used to this, but I'm shocked! Look! The pictures move!

HARRY'S DORM

Hedwig: Damn, Harry! Those are some big-ass feet! What are you, a hobbit?

TRANSFIGURATION

Cat: Yep, still just an ordinary cat...I'm not a teacher! *whistles innocently*

Harry and Ron: *are late*

Cat: *transforms* Ha! Fooled ya again!

POTIONS

Snape: I hate Potter and love Malfoy.

Susan Bones: *is there, sitting behind Malfoy, next to Ron*

Fans Who Read the Book: WTF? She's a Hufflepuff! There can't be three houses in one class!

Snape: Haha. Potter's stupid.

Malfoy: I think I'm in love.

Bette Midler: Did you ever know that you're my hero?

GREAT HALL

Seamus: *plays into the stereotype that the Irish do nothing but drink all day by trying to turn a glass of water into Rum even though he's only eleven years old and it's eight o' clock in the morning*

Harry: For the love of God, it's 8 o' clock in the morning, man!

Ron: He's Irish.

Harry: Oh. Carry on, then.

Owls: Mail's here!

Neville: *opens a package*

Dean: Even though I was raised by Muggles, I know that's a Remembrall!

Harry: Look at this story about Gringotts getting robbed. I'm sure that isn't a clue or anything. It probably doesn't concern me at all!

FLYING LESSONS

Harry: Up!

Broom: *flies into his hand*

Malfoy: Up!

Broom: *flies into his hand*

Ron: Up! Up! Up? Up. Up! UP! Damn it, I said UP!

Broom: *smacks him in the face*

Neville: *takes off flying, gets some serious whiplash, falls a hundred or so feet, and only breaks his wrist*

Malfoy: Well, that was convenient. Catch me if you can, Potter!

Harry: *catches the Remembrall*

McGonagall: Follow me!

Malfoy: *smirk*

OUTSIDE THE DEFENSE AGAINST THE DARK ARTS CLASSROOM

McGonagall: Wood, this is Harry Potter.

Oliver: So?

McGonagall: He's your new Seeker.

Oliver: Well, hello, Potter! I think I'm in love!

TROPHY CASE

Hermione: Your father was a Seeker.

Harry: Wow, she really does know everything!

FLUFFY'S LAIR

Fluffy: *growl*

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: *cower*

STAIRWAY

Hermione: It's hiding a trap door! It's guarding something. Pardon me, but I'm off before you two get me killed...or worse, expelled!

Ron: She's got some fucked up priorities.

Harry: Right. And your family, buying Chocolate Frogs instead of the necessities?

Ron: Shut up.

QUIDDITCH PITCH

Oliver: Okay, I have to be your History teacher today, so listen up, Potter. There are three kinds of balls. The three Chasers handle the Quaffle and try to score by putting it into one of three hoops. The Keeper tries to stop the other team from scoring. The two Beaters chase after the Bludgers and keep them from killing a member of our team. The Seeker chases after the Golden Snitch and tries to catch it before the other team. It's worth 150 points and ends the game. Got it?

Harry: Yes.

CHARMS

Hermione: I'm better than you are! I can make my feather fly, and you can't.

Flitwick: Damn it, why couldn't she have been in Ravenclaw?

COURTYARD

Ron: I secretly like Hermione, but I'm an immature boy so I'll mock her. *mockety mock mock*

Hermione: *cries*

HALLOWEEN FEAST

Harry: Where's Hermione?

Neville: Bathroom, crying.

Ron: Damn it.

Quirrell: TROLL!

Ron: *panics*

Neville: *panics*

Malfoy: *panics*

Entire Student Body: *runs around like chickens with their heads cut off*

Dumbledore: CALM DOWN! Prefects, please take the students back to your houses.

Percy: Power...authority...YES!

Harry: We have to go save Hermione.

Ron: 'Kay.

Percy: I'm so jacked up on being in a position of power at the moment that I'm going to ignore the fact that my little brother and the Boy Who Lived just ran off to face certain doom!

GIRLS BATHROOM

Harry: *is heroic*

Ron: *is brave*

Hermione: *is bossy, even while cowering under a sink*

Harry's Wand: *is pissed about being shoved up a troll's nose*

Troll: *keels over*

Harry's Wand: *is not broken, despite the fact that the troll falls flat on his face, theoretically smashing the wand between its insides and the floor*

Snape's Leg: Ignore the fact that I'm bloody...that's of no importance!

GREAT HALL

Harry: Now I get to be the History teacher! Hagrid took something out of the Gringotts vault that got robbed. I think the dog is guarding it and Snape let the troll loose in here so that he could try to get past the dog, but it bit him and he's bleeding.

Owl: Here, have a broomstick.

Oliver: *jaw drop* Yes. I'm sure of it now. I bloody love this kid!

GAME

Flint: *throws the ball*

Oliver: *blocks it*

Flint: *growls*

Oliver: *smirk*

Fans Who Didn't Read the Book: Oh, no! Snape is jinxing Harry's broom!

Fans Who Read the Book: *facepalm*

Terrence Higgs: Back off, Potter! It's mine!

Harry: Mine!

Terrence: Mine!

Harry: Mine!

Terrence: *gives up*

Harry: *swallows the Snitch*

Oliver: He SWALLOWS? I told ya, I LOVE THIS KID!!!!!

COURTYARD

Hagrid: Fluffy's mine...I gave him to Dumbledore to guard the...I shouldn't have told ya that.

Hermione: Snape was jinxing Harry's broom.

Hagrid: No.

Harry: Yes.

Hagrid: No.

Ron: Yes.

Hagrid: No.

Hermione: Yes.

Harry: What was Fluffy guarding?

Hagrid: That's between Dumbledore and Nicolas Flamel...I shouldn't have told ya that.

Harry: Hermione, who is Nicolas Flamel?

Hermione: I don't know.

Ron: *shockface*

GREAT HALL

Ron: I'm an amazing chess player, but the fact that a queen just destroyed a knight isn't foreshadowing anything at all!

Hermione: That's barbaric! How would you feel if you were that knight, Ron?

Harry: Nope, definately no foreshadowing here.

Hermione: Well, anyway, look in the Restricted Section of the Library.

Ron: Isn't that where they keep PlayWizard Magazine?

Harry: That explains why that section is restricted...

CHRISTMAS MORNING, GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM

Harry: Why are you wearing that horrid sweater?

Ron: Mum made it...she sent you one, too.

Harry: Oh...uh, that was nice of her...I guess. Oh, look! A present from no one!

Ron: It's an Invisibility Cloak.

Harry: Awesome. I can use it to sneak into the Restricted Section of the library and look at PlayWizard Magazine.

James's Voice: That's my boy!

OUTSIDE THE LIBRARY

Snape: I'm going to be just vague enough so that Potter, who isn't here, will still think I'm evil.

Fans Who Didn't Read the Book: Bad Snape! Get 'im, Harry!

Fans Who Read the Book: SHUT UP!

ROOM WITH THE MIRROR OF ERISED

Lily: Hello.

James: Howdy.

Harry: Mummy! Daddy! I'm so hypnotized by this that I believe it's real!

DORM

Harry: Ron, get your lazy ass up! Come on!

Ron: Damn it, Harry! I was having a dream about Hermione...this better be good.

ROOM WITH THE MIRROR OF ERISED

Ron: I see me. I'm mum's favorite for once.

Harry: Huh. I wonder why you see something different than I do?

Ron: I'm hot!

Dumbledore: Step away from the mirror and keep your wand where I can see it. This mirror shows us what we want. HINT! FORESHADOW! IMPORTANT CLUE!

LIBRARY

Hermione: See? I really do know everything! Nicolas Flamel made the Sorcerer's Stone!

Ron: Which is...?

Hermione: You're an idiot.

Ron: You're nicer in my dreams.

Hermione: What?

Ron: Nothing.

HAGRID'S HUT

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: We know about the Stone.

Hagrid: Damn it.

Harry: Snape wants to steal it.

Hagrid: Snape is protecting it.

Hermione: Other things are protecting the stone...not just Fluffy?

Hagrid: Yeah, but only I can get past Fluffy...I shouldn't have told ya that.

Egg: *crack*

Hagrid: He's beautiful! He knows his mummy!

Harry: MUMMY?!

Hagrid: Hello, Norbert. Say hello to Mummy!

Norbert: *sets Hagrid's beard on fire*

Malfoy: *snoopity snoop snoop*

MCGONAGALL'S OFFICE

McGonagall: 150 points from Gryffindor!

Harry: No fair!

Malfoy: *smirk*

McGonagall: Detentions for everybody!

Malfoy: *pout*

HAGRID'S HUT

Filch: I'm a sadist who has a bondage fetish and likes to see eleven-year olds in chains.

Malfoy: Thank you for sharing.

Filch: You're going into the Dark Forest.

Malfoy: But there are werewolves!

Ron: Werewolves? At Hogwarts? I'm sure that's not important at all! It's certainly not a Plot Point for book 3!

Harry: Huh?

Ron: Nothing.

FORBIDDEN FOREST

Hagrid: We have to go find a dead unicorn.

Harry: I'm sure this won't be a Plot Point.

Hagrid: Let's split up!

Malfoy: I get the dog.

Hagrid: 'Kay. He's scared of his own shadow.

Malfoy: DAMN IT!

MIDDLE OF THE FORBIDDEN FOREST

Music: *is ominous*

Cloaked Figure: Arr! Run away!

Malfoy: *runs*

Cloaked Figure: Come here, Harry Potter! Grr!

Centaur: *opens a can of whoop arse* Harry, I have to give you a quick history lesson.

Harry: 'Kay.

Centaur: Drinking the blood of a unicorn will save your life, but you will be cursed. The only person who'd do this is someone who's just biding their time, trying to get something better.

Harry: Voldemort?

Centaur: Ding, ding, ding! Whadda we have for him, Johnny?! Okay, History class is over. Get out of the Forest!

COMMON ROOM

Harry: Voldemort will come back to kill me.

Hermione: Not as long as Dumbledore is around.

Ron: Yeah, and Dumbledore NEVER leaves Hogwarts!

HAGRID'S HUT

Harry: How do you get past Fluffy?

Hagrid: Play him some music...I shouldn't have told ya that.

MCGONAGALL'S OFFICE

McGonagall: Dumbledore is gone.

Ron: Well, that was convenient.

CORRIDOR

Harry: Well, we have to handle this ourselves.

Ron: 'Kay.

COMMON ROOM

Neville: I'm Neville, King of the Ducky Pajamas, and I will fight you!

Hermione: Shut up, Duck Boy.

Neville: *is petrified*

FLUFFY'S LAIR

Harry: Well, that harp playing is convenient.

Ron: Yep, sure is.

Music: *stops*

Harry, Ron, and Hermione: Ahh!

Harry: Geronimo!

Hermione: Bombs away!

Ron: CANNONBALL!

DEVIL'S SNARE ROOM

Hermione Goes to Hollywood: Relax!

Ron: *won't relax*

Hermione: *is poetic*

KEY ROOM

Harry: Well, I'm the Seeker. Whoo-hoo! *catches the key*

CHESS ROOM

Ron: Hermione, you be a castle, Harry, you be a bishop, and I, as an egomaniac, will be a knight.

White Pawn: *moves*

Ron: Pawn to D-5!

Random Chess Piece #1: CRASH!

Ron: Castle to E-4!

Random Chess Piece #2: SMASH!

Ron: Pawn to C-3!

Random Chess Piece #3: BASH!

Ron: *is self-sacrificing* Knight to H-3.

White Queen: *lays the smack down on Ron*

Hermione: Nooooooo! He's too hot to die!

Harry: Stay still! *gets his checkmate on*

FINAL CHAMBER

Quirrell: Hello.

Fans Who Didn't Read the Book: WTF?!

Quirrell: *explains the entire movie* Now...how to I get the Stone?

Creepy Voice: Use Potter.

Quirrell: C'mere, Potter.

Harry: I'm an idiot, so okay, sure!

Creepy Voice: Let me outta this turban!

Quirrell: No.

Creepy Voice: Yes.

Quirrell: No.

Creepy Voice: Yes.

Quirrell: Okay. *removes turban*

Back of Quirrell's Head: Hello, I'm Voldemort. Gimme the Stone in your pocket.

Harry: No!

Voldemort: Yes.

Harry: No.

Voldemort: Yes.

Harry: No.

Voldemort: Kill him.

Quirrell: *lunges at Harry*

Harry: Ahh! It's a flying Quirrell! Beware!

Quirrell: *gets his chokehold on*

Harry: *touchety touch touch*

Quirrell: *dies*

HOSPITAL

Dumbledore: Okay. I'm the best History teacher on the planet. You got the Stone because you wanted it, but not to use it. Voldemort can come back another way. Quirrell couldn't touch you because your mother died to save you. Let's see...have I covered everything?

Harry: Everything that I'm allowed to find out in this movie, anyway.

Dumbledore: 'Kay. I'll just steal some of your candy and be on my way.

HALLWAY

Harry: Ron!

Ron: Harry!

Harry: Hermione!

Hermione: Harry!

GREAT HALL

Dumbledore: Slytherin is in the lead.

Malfoy: *smirk*

Dumbledore: A bazillion points to Gryffindor!

Malfoy: WTF? *pout*

Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs: Yay!

HOGSMEADE STATION

Hagrid: Here. It's pictures of your parents so you don't have to go livin' in front of a mirror again.

Harry: *opens book* Hey, who's this guy with my mum and dad in their wedding picture?

Hagrid: Uh, no one.

Harry: Here he is again, holding me when I was a baby. Who is he Hagrid?

Hagrid: His name is Sirius *cough Plot Point! cough* Black. I shouldn't have told ya that, though.

Harry: Why not?

Hagrid: Never you mind that until Book 3.

Harry: What?

Hagrid: Nothing. Now, go away. Shoo! Get on that train!

END