Ron Weasley and the Alternative Unforgivable Curse

Professor Snape was cursing himself in the potions classroom. It was dank and smelled after having nearly one hundred students pass through its doors, sit down, breathe and move around. Not to mention sweating during the experiments out of the now hot room after thirty cauldrons had been bubbling away at full heat, and fear of the sarcastic and twisted potions master. At least one hundred students had sweated in there and it really stank! Severus inhaled, nearly choked after noticing the smell of his teaching room for the first time. He realised he didn't have to be cursing himself in his dungeon; this hellhole - he could be cursing himself in his office.

So off to his office he went. A fire was burning in welcome for him in the grate, blazing warmly with an orange hue. Thoughts were running madly, in anarchy around his head playing 'catch a guilty thought one at a time if you can'. So far he had failed and they all taunted him naively, running away when he tried to catch one.

What had he done? He had deliberately belittled two students who were alone in the class, and had no other Gryffindors for support and, they had actually got their potion right - for once. If that wasn't bad enough, he had doctored their potion with veritiserum - just to get an answer for his twisted curiosity. Even worse than his professionalism leaving the building - adding the truth potion hadn't worked. In his haste and badly hatched plan to humiliate the boys the forgetfulness potion had worked before the truth serum, so instead of Ron divulging his deepest secrets, Ron had forgotten everything that he wouldn't want to tell. Severus Snape had failed in knowing his potions, which was almost as bad as the ethical implications of trying to screw over Ron Weasley.

Severus Snape sat unceremoniously on his chair behind his desk. It was hideously neat on the surface, but in the drawers below was chaotic and cluttered. He poured himself a cup of tea. His mind wandered away from Ron and Neville's filthy little deeds and he debated why it was such a big deal.

Sometimes he really hated his legilimency skills. He hadn't wanted to intrude in their minds, but it had been such a temptation with such guilty faces. That's another reason why he was mad with himself - he had not exercised the self-control needed not to go meddling. As enjoyable as it was to torture Gryffindors, he knew he had gone against all moral codes. He'd only searched within their thoughts just because he could. He did it regularly with Harry Potter; he had been doing it from the moment he first set his eyes on the little brat.

He opened the front gate to his frustration. He may as well submit to the rambling on of his thoughts, they may shed some light. He carried on walking down the meandering path to his home of reflection, passed the lilac bush (while making the mental note to trim it as it was blocking the way to the house and sapping away its light from the neighbours) Snape unlocked the door and made his way to the living room (taking his shoes off as to avoid soiling the new carpet). He grabbed a can of beer from the fridge (It was all he had, there was no fire whiskey and no ice. He had to have something alcoholic, or he would never wind down) He sank into a brown leather armchair and sat quietly, contemplating. He tried to remember the last time he had held someone - anyone even his neighbour's pet dog! When was the last time that he had held a naked female - that was even more brain racking!

Snape at his desk sipping tea smiled mildly in memory. He remembered his last visit to Cornwall. He had an apartment there on a block that housed young, professional twenty and thirty some things. Most were single, busy, horny and sexually amoral. Intimacy was for the boring, shagging around was the new married.

In Cornwall, he behaved like a Muggle, he would go down there in the holidays when the little darlings went back to mummy and daddy wizard and gave them hell for two months instead of him. Severus considered living like a Muggle for two months of the year the wizard equivalent of camping, and liked 'slumming it' especially when good looking female Muggles would throw themselves at him for his mean and moody aura. He didn't know why he did this, but while he was there, the wand went away and potions were temporarily forgotten, Severus Snape dressed like a Muggle, talked like a Muggle and even drove a rented Muggle car. He also used a Muggle name. His Muggle moniker was Simon Smith and he stuck to that like glue. In his flat, there was no electrical equipment; he could not escape his magic even then, so to prevent mysterious happenings, there was no television and such consumer durables.

He never knew why he did that. He was a wizard, a talented and powerful one and he was not ashamed of who he was. He preferred the slumming it excuse, but he also found it easier to get laid as a Muggle. Even wizards like to be close to someone sometimes, and the other teachers including Dumbledore, who was cheating on his wife with work went home to their families at the holidays. He really had no family to whom he could go home and spend quality time with. His friends were either dead, lost contact or Death Eaters. In the past, Severus often compared his mother to a bulldog or one of those gargoyles in France and his father - well he left when Severus was 15. He understood really why his dad left, but was bitter that he hadn't taken him with him. He found it hard to maintain a relationship with a wizard because of his activities as a Death Eater (although a spy for the good side - but who would believe him or not attempt to sell him out eventually) and although he was on their side, rumours of otherwise would dog any budding relationships. He hated his mother, hadn't seen his father for eighteen years, and he had no brothers or sisters. His friends were part of the dark side now, either rotting with the dementors or plotting with Voldemort, having forgotten he had ever existed.

He hadn't gone to Cornwall last summer holiday, Dumbledore had needed him spying as Voldemort had another plan up his sleeve to destroy Harry. (Severus had never really seen the point in trying to destroy the boy at this age or even at all.) Why? Revenge? Kill the biggest opponent. Dumbledore always appeared to know, but had never actively said anything. He didn't want to push it, and it often drove him mad - no wonder Voldemort wasn't gaining control as quickly as he wanted - but Severus wasn't going to let on that little detail to Voldemort; in a way it was kind of fun watching his by trial and disastrous error. The boy had one up on him: talent and youth, strength and courage that didn't mean point your wand at the enemy and say 'Avada Kedavra!' - that was the coward's way out.

***

Severus had gone to Cornwall the year before last. It had been a whole fucking eighteen months since his last shag. He couldn't believe he had abstained so long... not through choice mind you. It took a while as he tried to recall the date and last woman he had last had intimate relations with. He finally remembered his last human encounter. Her name was Sally. She was in her twenties and a trainee accountant. They had met in the post room downstairs. He liked her Arian features - pure blood in his opinion, and she liked his attitude - dark (misguided fool - she was really upset when she found out that as a lover Severus wasn't up for spanking). He had treated her well and they lasted longer than that first night. He had taken her out several times after, and then he had to go back to Hogwarts. He knew that she hadn't been exclusive with him but he didn't care, she'd be shacked up with some office worker and they would buy a nice little house in Stowe to raise a family by the time he returned to his holiday home. The worst thing was that she wasn't even that good.

Snape was bitter that Ron and Neville would have physical intimacy as well as close friends and support from teachers - whom did he have? Who would look after Severus? - No one! Dumbledore and McGonagall would inquire if he was healthy and eating properly, but neither would give him a hug when he had five lots of Gryffindor classes in one day and they all decide to play up. He also envied the time that they would spend together. But he didn't fancy having to resort to what Ron and Neville were doing to receive it. He didn't understand. Boy/girl relationships weren't exactly banned at Hogwarts. And Ron liked girls didn't he? He wasn't exactly the common homosexual type, Severus thought. Ron was brash and wild, very masculine in his appearance, stance and manner. In previous years he had always been trying to chat up the girls. People don't wake up and exclaim: 'I'm gay!'

In Severus' head, something rang false, not for the first time. This was not right. His self-condemnation for trying to screw the boys over disappeared, his arousing memories of Sally popped away slowly like bubbles, but he made the mental note to pick it up later. Severus began to feel his sense of altruism galloping from his stomach and set up camp in the upper right corner of his forehead, get out its spears and goad him relentlessly

He needed to think - no questions asked. A feeling of dread started to squat on the camp where the altruism was staying. The window of his office appeared to scream out: 'come see through me Severus!' He obeyed. He rose slowly from his chair and glided over to the glass. He saw Ron Weasley sitting on a bench by the lake. His back was to him, but Severus could tell without seeing his face that the young man was sad and deep in thought. Ron's hunched shoulders and drooped head said it all. Snape felt a wave of pity.

'Ron can't possibly understand what is happening to him. Does he even know who he is anymore? I doubt it very much,' Severus thought. In general wizards don't fall in love with their own sex. Snape fully believed that homosexuality killed off wizards.

He watched carefully as Neville jogged up to Ron from behind him and touched his shoulder with a gentleness that wasn't becoming of a man. Ron turned slowly as though being woken up from a reverie; he saw Neville and smiled wanly at him. He stood up like an old man, followed Neville dejectedly into the school. Soul searching is hard enough, must be worse at seventeen, Severus mused.

***

After supper, Snape sat at his desk again. He had marking to do but didn't feel like it. Ron's confusion was playing on his mind. He didn't even know why he cared. Severus could only think of Muggle influences to be the cause of Ron and Neville's extra-curricular activities. 'Situation comedies' he blamed. 'You can't move for lesbians or a gay man debating like world peace depended on what hideous shirt to wear to impress the pizza delivery boy.' But both boys were from wizarding families - no television - no Will and Grace. Snape was really scraping the bottom of the barrel now.

A scene of a previous meeting with Lucius Malfoy played blaringly, but fuzzy in his mind. It was starting to come clear. It was fragmented and heavy. Lucius had told him that Voldemort was concocting a charm to inflict homosexuality on wizards (preferably the mudbloods - to get rid of them). Severus usually never believed a word that dreadful and ostentatious man said - but could it be true? It would be too obvious if Harry was targeted, homosexuality would consume his thoughts and being around boys, chasing them would take time- time he should be spending trying to defeat Voldemort, but if Harry is gay then he can take over - right? - However, everyone would be keeping the boy on the straight and narrow, so why not go one rung lower and target the boy's best friend.) Snape never really understood the logic of Voldemort's train of thought. It was too sick. Why Ron? Harry can function without his sidekick, but maybe his performance could be tired, as he would be worrying about Ron all the time. Also he may be influenced and you can catch nasty diseases from penis to arse activity. Not to mention men can't impregnate each other and without a woman you can't make baby wizards and carry on the bloodline. It was a slow Avada Kedavra with some Cruciatus thrown in if you caught a disease. - Yes it was evil enough and a crazy enough to be a plan of Voldemort's.

Severus was really worried now. Had a charm been put on the two boys? He couldn't ask anyone for help. Dumbledore may dismiss him saying: 'they are not your concern,' ranting possibly that (and saying that it possibly was) a grudge fuelling such rumours. But Dumbledore may believe him; after all he was a respected and long serving master at Hogwarts. But he would need proof that the two young men were at it first to prove his case to Dumbledore.

It was a sick and disgusting job that would need cunning planning - but someone was going to have to do it to save them - and he was cunning all over, otherwise he would have never been a Slytherin, a very put-out and a wasted talent.

***

His newly acquired invisibility cloak was hanging proudly on the peg on the back of his bedroom door. Severus had stumbled up to his chamber. He needed to sleep. Little professor Flitwick had knocked on his door not long after lights out to invite him to join the rest of the teachers with a few bottles of wine. He had appeared to accept grudgingly, but graciously, really, he was thankful for the distraction but not wanting to have company.

Severus staggered back to his room a few hours later, having drowned his suspicions of foul play for the two Gryffindor lads in cheap wine. But now he was alone; he had thrown them a lifebelt and his ideas were bobbing gratefully on the surface. He couldn't possibly go to sleep now. He had to know if Neville and Ron were at it, so he could step in as soon as possible to reverse the charm - if he could. Severus was now convinced that Voldemort had tested his new idea on the two boys. He had to stop it. Lives would be ruined if it ever got out. He knew he had too much to drink because he was starting to feel emotional and that those poor boys needed him.

The invisibility cloak was now glittering like a show person's costume in the dark and gave the tipsy professor an idea. If he put it on and went into the boy's dormitory, he would either find them doing the deed or evidence that they were. He would take his omnioculars for visual proof to Dumbledore or as blackmail. (Snape had hoped if it wasn't a charm, he could blackmail them with the knowledge that he knew what they were up to and hope that telling the whole school would shame them out of it).

Getting to their room would not be easy. He couldn't possibly walk through Gryffindor tower even with an invisibility cloak on. For starters getting past the fat lady (Fat Lady), as he didn't know the password, was a problem. Then he didn't want to cause a stir. Surely some brave little Gryffindor would be out of bed and seeing a door open by itself or hear footsteps. (He wasn't a Slytherin for nothing and yes, most of the time he appeared to slide effortlessly over the floor, but even the least bloated of people admit to passing wind sometimes).

His broomstick was casually leaning in the corner of the room by the door. It was a moderate room that was in keeping with the rest of the school with its old design and rich furnishings. Severus didn't like the layout, it was too dark, but he wasn't allowed to change it, as it wasn't his actual home. That was one of the things he liked about his Cornwall apartment, he could decorate whenever he liked. Which were most years. He liked to explore different and bold colours. Coming back to his plan after his thoughts had gone for a meandering wander, he hadn't ridden his broomstick for ages. It could have done with the once over, but Severus was too drunk to care. He had the idea of flying out the window into the Gryffindor tower and obtaining his facts that way. But he knew he must not be seen hovering outside the Gryffindor tower. What business would he have there? Surely he would be up to no good?

This is where the cloak would come in. It's first proper job. He had saved for three years to buy this luxury. Teaching at Hogwarts had paid well because he had no responsibilities to drain his cash like the wife and children that he did one day desire. But a lot of his money had been paid into his Gringott's pension plan that would look after him if no one else was there to or could or even would. His spare funds would be spent on ingredients for new potions and new clothes after, as concocting the new potions would often result with the sleeves of his robes on fire, spreading to his body. Finally, he was there. He owned a desirable wizard item, symbolising not only wealth and status - the exciting business to go undercover and need the item. It also came in handy when spying on Voldemort for Dumbledore. Neither He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named nor any other Death Eater had the device, or false eye that 'Mad Eye Moody' used to detect the cloaks. The other Death Eaters were so loyal; they never thought to wear it during the meeting. Lucius Malfoy probably had one, but he would never use it, just buy it and keep it for the sake of having it and the boast of owning such an opulent thing.

Being drunk sent Severus' thoughts right into the wrong direction, even worse than sober. His thoughts were sent hurtling into the wrong direction, he would also come to realise he was two hundred kilometres away and not just in the wrong direction - in the wrong lane too because all of a sudden his brain would crash into something immovable and all was black for a few minutes.

Severus woke up later. He didn't know how long he had been on the floor. He had never really passed out due to drink before. But this was wine and it messed with your head. He vowed passionately never to drink wine again in such a quantity. Slowly, Severus rose and morosely surveyed the spot where he had fallen, swaying dangerously. The rug was a shag pile type thing and it was darker than normal and damp to touch. At first Severus thought he may have hit his head on the nearby coffee table and might be bleeding from there. He touched his throbbing head cautiously. There was no blood. But as he started to walk away, he noticed that his robes were wet. He then noticed that the vase of vile flowers the house elfs had been insisting on putting on a side table was sadly thrown on the floor. He had grabbed onto the vase and spilled it all over him. He giggled as he thanked all that was holy that he hadn't wet his pants.

He considered taking the wet robes off, but that meant that there would be no clean robes to wear the next day. He didn't think to wear his pyjamas, and going naked was not an option. He would have to wear the sodden robes.

He slipped the invisibility cloak over his pale body, making sure nothing stuck out. He couldn't believe how big the cloak was compared to him. Severus Snape was a tall and slim man who had big knots in his limbs instead of joints. Although he was skinny, he was strong and supple. (He would NEVER admit that he swum in the huge teacher's bath and that he secretly did yoga). This meant that he had no problem squeezing out of his bedroom window and onto his broomstick. He wobbled as he sat down on it, as he was unsteady from the vino. The little bugger of a broomstick must have smelled his intoxication and fear. Severus had not been on his broomstick for months and it often took ages for the thing to trust him again. He tightened his grip on the broomstick and jerkily directed it to the Gryffindor tower. He went at a faster speed than he should have done for the built up area around him of jutting towers and turrets, but he didn't realise and didn't care. He slowed down and cruised about the Gryffindor area looking for the seventh year tower, the dormitory that Ron and Neville shared.

All of a sudden, he remembered his omnioculars for evidence of homosexual activity and he made his way back to retrieve them. After a mad scramble, he found them and sped back to the place of action.

The boy's window was smaller than the one at his tower and he had trouble squeezing his long legs through. Severus was more than aware of the fact he was very high from the ground and his drunkenly relaxed body falling off his broomstick was not an option. In his haste, he heaved himself hard through the frame. The result was Severus losing his grip on his cloak and it nearly flopping into the mud below him. Instead, it folded itself neatly on the windowsill while Snape stood in the Gryffindor boy's dormitory with no camouflage. Luckily where ever Ron and Neville were in the room, they didn't hear him enter or see him like this. Severus tried to fight a tipsy smile as he thoughts about what may have happened if he had have done the journey naked. If Ronald and Neville had seen him nude, they may have thought seeing each other's bodies were fine, but someone like 'the greasy git' Snape, it may have pushed them straight back to heterosexuality - charm or no charm!

Hurriedly, he covered himself and sauntered over the four-poster bed that had the curtains shut and emitted heavy breathing and appeared to rock ever so slightly. He knew now he had to be absolutely silent or they would either detect him or stop what they are doing and he couldn't get the evidence. He supposed one of the lads may just be having a bad dream or was tossing and turning and the other boy had just gone off for a late night rendezvous with a toilet, it happened to the best and worst of us he thought. What if they weren't having a bad dream? What if they were at it... well maybe they will be wishing that this were all a bad dream when he revealed them for the sodomites they were! If they were... doing things, Severus would be disgusted with them. And if they weren't, Severus would be disgusted with himself. (Not just for being a peeping Tom, also wasting his time with those idiots!)

Severus circled around the bed, looking for a thin patch in the sumptuous velvet curtain or a gap where they had not pulled the curtain as close as they could have in which he could stick the ominculars inconspicuously. They had done the latter. The gap was big enough to get his face in (but he couldn't because they would see it and the invisibility cloak would obscure his vision so if he did cover his face when he had a look, he wouldn't be able to see anything.) Movement could be heard on the bed like the two boys were swapping places. Severus shuddered. He wouldn't actually have to see what they were doing - would he?

He took his chance. He pressed record on the omnioculars and put the lens up to the gap forcefully, while keeping his face away from seeing anything. He filmed until his arm cramped and he was forced to put his arm down. He saved the footage and replayed it there and then in case he needed to try again. He had got the footage and resolved to poke his eyes out later.

Severus knew he was going to be in therapy for years after that. Being on the receiving end of oral sex was one thing, watching someone else receive it was just nasty.

He was just putting the omnioculars away safe in a little pocket of his cloak, when he felt a body bash up against him. He heard Neville's voice whisper 'Someone's here!' Severus made sure he was completely covered and made an as silent as possible mad dash for the window. He looked quickly behind him to see what was happening. Neville was wearing a sheet that barely covered him and showed off his muscular torso. Snape saw no other option than to jump onto his patiently waiting broomstick in a straddled way and fly off at speed as Neville looked like he had seen him and was in mute hot pursuit.

The pain hit his testicles straight away. He couldn't scream because Neville and the rest of the school would have heard him howl. He zoomed around the corner and checked out Neville's reaction to this noise and a possible intruder. The boy's expression told Severus that he was over reacting, and he watched Neville take a breath of night air, contemplate the stars contentedly and wander back to bed, forgetting that he had ever been concerned of a trespasser.

Severus Snape exhaled nervously and made a 180-degree turn. All of a sudden he was upside down and hanging onto his broomstick by his legs. The pain in his testicles was too much to ignore and he didn't care he was upside down because he was still under the influence.

His body relaxed and he uncrossed his legs, just wishing the blood that was rushing to his head would drain away. He was a good thirty feet from the ground and if the ground was hard and he wasn't as hardy as everyone thinks they are, he would have almost certainly died.

But his broomstick heroically came to his rescue. It swooped down to catch him - five feet from the ground. Severus was so grateful he hadn't smashed into a billion pieces, the happiness from that and the alcohol still inside him took over and he passed out again.

***

Several times that night, Severus Snape came to. He ignored his muddy bed and concentrated on his throbbing head. He had this feeling of achievement knowing that he had accomplished a tough mission, and apart from that he just did not care where he was. There was a concern for his new cloak, but that was in later bouts of consciousness.

It was too early to wake up, but he had classes. He was so groggy, that he only ensured that his head was covered when he walked the one hundred metres to the school entrance. It was a slow and tired journey and Severus was very weak with a hangover that felt it would end the world given half a chance. It took into the negative numbers of his strength to force open the giant wooden door. It was too heavy and he was convinced he had done himself an injury and limped in a way that hypochondriacs do into the ever-filling corridor.

The students that were there were milling about aimlessly in the corridor. Snape hated this and usually he would shout at them to do some thing, or go somewhere JUST MOVE! He couldn't shout at them because he was invisible and desperate not to blow his cover, so he just let it slowly eat at his already foul temper.

The Hogwarts students watched in fascination as the heavy oak doors were opened by nobody. A path of students seemed to be cleared and muddy footsteps appeared on the floor. Most of the students were thinking that Argus Filch was going to do his nut.

Severus returned to his room and got into the bathroom to wash in a very cold bath to wake himself up and get clean. After his bath he got dressed into his robes. He wondered briefly if anyone knew it was he. Severus had worried that his nose had been poking out or something, but he would be the last on the list of suspects because he was so straight up and down. The blame would go onto one of those rich kids that would get an invisibility cloak. Unfortunately not Potter as he was still absent - worse luck!

But what he was most angry at was that it was because of these two sidekicks of the Potter boy who had got him into this mess. His altruism had gone out on an all day hike. If those batty boys wanted help from him breaking any untoward charms put on them - they could go elsewhere. He sure as hell wasn't going to help them. He had done enough, gaining evidence that they were at it and suspecting that the two boys were influenced. That was fine. He could do no more. And he really at this moment hated them, and would not be able to stand the sight of them in potions second lesson. By God he was going to make those two pay....