Ron Weasley and the Alternative Unforgivable Curse

I am on the train to Hogwarts. It's going to be my final year. I haven't seen Harry and Hermione recently 'cos I've been in Egypt with Bill. I did work experience- dead boring. Mum made me write a thank you letter to the head wizard there, it was like: 'Thank you for giving me a clearer idea of what I want to do with my life.' Yeah - certainly not that!

The girls there were hot, but they lacked a certain something. I don't know what, maybe I prefer the British witches.

I'm not going in THAT carriage, just saw Malfoy the twat go in there. I'm on my way to find the others. They are right... down... here....

'Alright Harry!' We sit and chat for ages. Hermione is so tanned after being in France again. She looks stunning, but I can control myself- Strange, I used to fancy her so much.

Everyone has had a brilliant holiday and they are all varying shades of white, pink and lobster red, not to mention brown. I look at the group. Where is Neville? Who is this tall, tanned and muscular boy sitting next to Dean? HOLY SHIT! IT'S NEVILLE!

Some things never change. He's just got up to get a snack and he has tripped over Hermione's cat. Neville Longbottom is now my height (six feet two inches) has glowing skin, and the fat has turned to muscle. He is lean and toned and... I'm so jealous! He has sparkly eyes and heck! - That fat really hid a bone structure my mother would die for. I'm well impressed. I thought I'd changed since I'd taken up Muggle sports (football, hockey, boxing, softball). I have muscles too - little ones but still muscles!

I have collapsed into a heap like some Stupefied animal. I am in shock and I can't believe what my eyes are telling me. My heart is still pounding from the surprise. Harry and Neville pick me up and sit me down. Harry looks good too- happier. He went to stay with Remus and Sirius over the holidays. He starts to tell stories of their bachelor existence.

"Sirius and Remus live in this house in Gloucestershire, and its quite a new house and quite big for the two of them, so they went and got a few house-elves - don't tut Hermione. They like cleaning up and stuff and since neither Sirius nor Remus can cook... They have been eating take out pizza. It's when ever they want a meal - which is all the bloody time - they call up this place. They're on first name terms with the guy who runs it and for the first two or three times- Sirius was trying to pay them in Galleons. But the bloke who runs it is Turkish and understands why they try and do this. He thinks they are some kind of European origin because of the money thing, so he is always talking about how he misses his native Turkey, if he's delivering when they call, he often comes in for a chat. All magic has to cease. Remus has had to put memory charms on him several times like when a house-elf has come in and one of the dogs - Rosie has been on heat and is trying to hump a house-elf or come in the room with MY wand stuck up her arse. The other dog Charlie is absolutely bonkers as well. You whistle or say walkies; he does a running lunge, knocks you over and licks your face until you get his lead. It's a simple existence and it is totally weird and all the neighbours think Sirius and Remus are a couple and stuff like that. One old bat was saying to me 'It must be awful to see your dad like that - living with another man - I expect your mother was mortified'. I really couldn't explain to her that Sirius was my guardian. It was nice though having the closest thing to a real family - except yours Ron, but lets face it - I'm still just a family friend."

I try to reassure Harry that he's one of us, but he just smiles sadly. I wish I could have gone now. I was invited but I went to Egypt.

We catch up on the gossip. We are now in our final year and because we are seventeen and horny gits, our thoughts wander from ways to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Of our spare time, which isn't filled with peril (Harry's fault), we discuss who is doing whom and where-and why. We dissect it, why so-and-so is going out with them, when they are so out of their league. It's really funny, as these minging girls in the fifth year spread the same rumour about Harry this time each year. They say they all gave Harry a BJ in Snape's office. We always laugh, as these girls are just so sad! Make mental note this year to get Hermione to use her powers to shut the little girls up. New addition to the rumour this year is that I'm filming it! Yeah right! Now it's not ok to spread that rumour if I'm going to be in it. Also even I know with all my 'ignorance to my surroundings' as Hermione puts it, that a camcorder would never work in the school anyway - too much magic.

A good rumour is that these two girls in our year in Hufflepuff are lesbians. We know them and they are hot. When Lavender tells us that, Dean asks if anyone here will stand up and prove they can cope with this revelation. Harry says "Nah you're alright mate," and gives me this panicking look to say 'I can't stand up - I need to preserve my dignity!'

Seamus is no better and announces "I'm a man and proud of it!" and stands up to reveal a large bulge in his trousers. If Merlin can strike me down and bury me deep into the ground - can he please do it now? - I want to die. Ginny gasps and look shocked - but I can see she's checking him out. Hermione buries her face into her hands and wails 'Why me?' I turn the other way, my face has gone very red, and my heart is pounding in horror at his blatant display.

Unfortunately I'm not one of those lads who can get excited easily. My pecker has abandoned me - the bastard! I'm seventeen and impotent! Neville who has stayed silent during all that gives me a sympathetic look. I think his pecker has gone AWOL too.

Lesbians - always used to like it. Fred and George reckon that you learn how to really do a girl because a girl knows what a girl wants- I also wonder what they would have done at that scene just passed- they would have made such a joke of it. Its really corny, but they are my thoughts and no beggar can access them! While I'm on the subject of queers, I hate gays. The lot of them are batty boys. Ponces. There is this muggle man on muggle... television! - That's the word! Bent as a cauldron, complete tosser. Harry was telling me about his show - that his cousin has to watch on the quiet because of his parents and they don't believe its 'Wholesome entertainment for our little Duddykins' - we all had a laugh at that.

We've had a bit of a snack from the trolley, eaten chocolate and stuff. There is a bit of a lull. Ginny falls into a doze with her head resting on Hermione's lap, and Neville falls asleep because he said he'd not slept for two nights, worrying if everyone was going to have a go at him for changing his appearance.

While he sleeps, we stay quiet. Dean looks at him for a bit and a smile plays on his face. He goes to his hand luggage and gets out a wash bag. A razor emerges, our eyes widen- this is wicked! We're gonna shave his head! We got to be careful in case the train jolts and he gets cut, but Dean looks like he is stroking his hair with the razor, occasionally dipping into a cup of water, and flicking the shorn hair into a bin that Harry has dragged in. I get a little pang of 'I want to do this!' It's a class trick; I wanna do it, take the credit.

So once that relieved five minutes of boredom, we were at a loss for games to play. Silence fills our carriage. I feel so drowsy and....

Harry nudges me. I must have fallen asleep. We're at Hogwarts now. Woo hoo! Food! Feast! I'm starving!

I am eating between Hermione and Neville; I still can't believe his transformation. Malfoy has been over to our table and he won't shut up calling him a nancy boy because of the tan line on his face from where Dean shaved his head on the train when he was asleep, saying it's fake tan.

"You can talk - Snowy," I retort.

"Yeah? You wanna shut me up?"

"Gladly Malfoy. The only reason you are so white is because you never leave the house and you are like a bloody ghost - we can see right through you." The Gryffindors laugh while Malfoy mutters 'Stupid tosser' and hurries back to his seat as Professor Dumbledore goes to make a speech.

"That was a crap insult Ron - Dudley could have done better than that, we only laughed 'cos we wanted to get rid of the git," stated Harry.

Oh, right, fine. Well that made me laugh. Plebs - does no one here understand good humour?

We've all finished our meal now. We're too knackered to stay up and talk. We go off to the dorm. Harry has brought (snigger) moisturiser- what a pansy! What is it with men these days thinking its ok? It's such a girly thing. But Neville has fitted a set of weights in his trunk and starts this bizarre routine with one. I leave them to it and go to bed.

I dream that Neville is teaching me to weight lift. He looks at me adoringly. I wake up with a pain in my groin. I've been sleeping on my front and obviously dreamed of one of those fit Egyptian birds. I have a right hard on. Glad to see you're back mate! Even though you got squashed. Tip: don't sleep on your front....