Brown Eyes

Ch. 1: The Closet

Hermione's POV

I knew I had to do this. I didn't know how to say it, but I couldn't keep up the facade. Ron needed to know. Harry would need to know too, but Ron needed to know first. I knew he had a crush on me. I took a deep breath and pushed my hair behind my ears.

"I can do this," I said confidently.

"Of course you can, dear," the mirror behind me spoke kindly. I turned and gave it a withering glance. I was in no mood for advice from mirrors!

I turned and walked down the stairs into the common room, thinking, I am sixteen, I am a Gryffindor, I am brave! I laughed a silent, nervous laugh. I stood up for house-elf rights; I could stand up for my own...couldn't I?

When I walked into the room, Ron looked up and waved me over. He was sitting with Harry, Ginny, and Dean doing homework.

"Go on mate," Harry whispered, "Go talk to her now."

Ron walked toward me, smiling rather shyly. Despite myself, I admired his hair, I loved red hair. I mentally shook myself and smiled back--I knew Ron wasn't what I wanted.

"Um, Hermione, I, uh, wanted to talk to you," Ron mumbled.

I smiled brightly, trying to pretend I had no idea what he wanted to talk to me about.

"Well, that's lucky because I really need to talk to you about something important, too." Quickly I added, "Perhaps somewhere more private? The whole common room does not need to hear this." I smiled again; I have to remember to act happy.

"Um, right," Ron said, still acting nervous and upset, "how about, er, I dunno, in the broom closet?" He blushed bright red, "Not that I mean, er, well, that..."

"I know, Ron," I said with an unnatural, nervous giggle, "it's ok. I don't care if anyone thinks it's something else. We're just going to talk. We're friends; it's perfectly normal!" I giggled again, sounding stupid.

"Um, right, yeah," Ron said, sounding very strange. I really hoped what I was about to say didn't kill him.

We managed to make it across the room and into the closet, away from prying ears. At least assuming nobody had Extendable Ears. There were a couple sniggers from a group of third years, making me even more annoyed and nervous than before.

"So, um, Ron..." I began, not really sure how to start.

"No, wait, Hermione, I should have told you this a long time ago! I want to say this now before I lose courage again." Bullocks! I knew what he was going to say, and I wanted to stop him. I'd hoped to be able to tell him my part before he embarrassed himself, but...

"Hermione, well, I...I fancy you!" he blurted out, blushing horribly. He looked scarily bright red, even in the semi-darkness of the broom closet.

"I...I reckon since fourth year, at least. That's why I've been jealous of...of Krum, I reckon, and, well, I just wanted to, er, tell you, and..." he babbled on, not really sure what he was saying anymore, just wanting something to fill the silence.

"I know, Ron, I know," I tried to say it in a comforting manner.

"Really?" He was startled.

"Yeah, you've been, well, rather obvious about it, but..." I started, but he interrupted me:

"Oh, well," Ron was even more embarrassed, "So do you...do you, um, uh, well, er, feel...oh never mind!" I had to stop myself from laughing--I was so nervous, and it was coming out all wrong!

"Oh, Ron," I said, "I'm so sorry!" I hugged him, swiftly, "I wish I did, I really do! It's just that..."

There was so much despair in Ron's eyes; he looked like he was going to start crying, "No, no..." he muttered, "Its ok...you don't need to ap-apoligize." He stuttered as he held back a sob. "I didn't think you would. Just...Harry thought you might, is all, and well, he told me to...try, well, um, just can, er, I...Oh, never mind!" He looked so tortured.

"Oh, Ron! No, I mean it when I say I'm sorry. I tried my best...oh, please believe me, I did! Just, this is, this is...so hard to say. Ron, I..." Ron had covered his face with his hands; I couldn't tell if he was crying or not. My own tears had finally caught up with me.

"Jesus!" I said loudly, "Oh, God, Ron, please believe me when I say this is as hard on me as it is on you. My dream since we became friends was to marry you and have two kids--red heads, like you. I wanted to have your family be mine and to live in a little cottage somewhere... I had this dream like most eleven year old girls day-dream. But, well, I've known something for awhile, but I haven't told anybody because I'm scared!" The tears came again, making my breath ragged and sharp, "I, oh, this is so hard! Ron, I'm...I'm a lesbian!"

His head shot up, "What?" he was loud, angry.

"Oh, Ron, I don't want to be! But, but...I can't like boys, please understand! Not as anything more than friends. I...I like girls." Oh, I couldn't handle this! I just knew he was going to hate me now. I hated myself; how could I break his heart like this?

"What about Krum?" he accused, suddenly full of fury.

"That's how I found out, really," I explained, "He really liked me, but I didn't feel the same. When he kissed me--"

"He kissed you?" Ron asked incredulously.

"I felt nothing, like I would if it had been a little kid or a sibling or a parent or something! It didn't feel right. Then last year, I realized I was attracted to girls. I don't know why. I don't know why it took me so long to realize either. I always thought I was open-minded, but now...I don't know!" Again, my tears welled up, and I was almost yelling.

"Ron, please don't hate me," I pleaded, "I don't want to be like this either."

But a terrible anger had filled Ron and suddenly he was someone else completely, "You bitch! You horrible, manipulative bitch! You were leading me on, and all this time you knew you were a...a dyke! You, you horribly, filthy, disgusting, perverted...oh, I can't believe! I...I'm leaving!"

"No, wait, Ron, please--" Oh god, oh god, what had I done?

"Don't touch me!"

"Fine!" Suddenly I was more angry than sad, "Fine, Ron, if you can't fucking accept me for who I am, then that's just fine! I have other friends who will. I have friends who aren't homophobic like you are!" I was screaming by then, "Just because I'm a lesbian doesn't make me a bad person! I'm still the same person I was a moment ago! And if you ..." Ron had thrown open the door to the closet and was running towards the boys' dorms as fast as he could, leaving me yelling out to the whole common room. "If you..." Tears streamed down my face, and I angrily stepped out of the closet, "So? Do you have a problem with it?" I addressed the staring common room. "Fuck you too!" I yelled as I slammed the door behind me, running as fast as I could up to my dorm.

By the time Lavender and Parvati came in, I had silencing and anti-penetration charms up, my curtains were closed and I was pretending to be asleep. They couldn't get in to bother me, they couldn't hear my sobs, and I couldn't hear them gossiping about me.