The Marauder Monologues

REMUS LUPIN: "Half-In Love With Lily"

The Marauders were my best friends - they always protected me, made sure I was caught up with the schoolwork after each full moon - they became Animagi to help me keep my mind when I transformed. And it worked. What better friends could I have ever dreamed of having? But they didn't have the woman's touch - that was a magic that belonged solely to Lily. She was the one to inquire about my mother's health after each absence, and when she learned the truth, she took it upon herself to care for me. When the boys were bringing me homework or defending my name in conversations in the Great Hall, Lily was bringing me food and making sure I was getting enough sleep. She cared for all of us that way.

I remember this because I never had any significant others - I would never allow myself to. I had girls inquiring after me, I went on a few dates when I was at Hogwarts, but I always knew that I would never be close to a woman. I knew that even when I was young. No one would ever understand about the lycanthropy. No one would ever accept me as I was - bar the select few I was friends with now. Don't misunderstand me, I was certainly on good terms with a number of people, but as far as close friends...well, that number was very few.

So, Lily was truly the only girl I was ever close to. There were times when I fancied myself half-in love with Lily; I say half because I never truly was, of course. I knew she and James were going to be together. I could see it in their eyes when they held hands, when they stood close together, even before they were officially together in our fifth year. She was just always so beautiful, and so kind to me, that I couldn't help but be terribly fond of her.

I remember once I was terribly sick after one of the transformations, so ill I couldn't make it to my classes. The boys visited me between classes and ate all their meals with me, bringing me food. But Lily skipped one of her classes to sit by my bed and wipe my face with a cool cloth. It was something a mother or a lover would have done. She did it so tenderly, smiling at me when I woke up and whispering for me to go back to sleep. I was so grateful for her to be taking care of me. I just adored her. We all did.

James, however - James was always her hero. He was her knight in shining armor, her true love. She would never have fallen for the rest of us, which we all knew and accepted. We were happy for Lily and James to be together. I just wished that someday I might find someone to love who was at least half as understanding and kind as Lily was.

So, when Lily and James announced their engagement during Christmas of our seventh year, we were ecstatic. Truthfully, we'd been waiting for the announcement for some time now, and we'd all known James was trying to work up the nerve to propose, but nonetheless we were overjoyed when it was confirmed. Sirius and Peter and I kissed Lily and shook James's hand, and promptly began humming the wedding march every time one of them was anywhere near us. It wasn't long before everyone found out, of course.

They set the date for approximately a week and a half after our graduation from Hogwarts. This would be after the end-of-term festivities, time for us all to prepare for the ceremony, but before Dumbledore's Order first convened. By that time, Professor Dumbledore had approached each of us about our post-graduation plans, and had offered us all a position in his personal task force: the Order of the Phoenix. All five of us were going to be members, along with quite a few others, although they were all older than us. We were all young and in high spirits and full of enthusiasm for defeating the darkness that had begun to creep into our lives.

The darkness was noticeably there, of course - but it was after our spring holiday that it truly hit home.

We'd spent the spring holiday at James's house, all five of us plus Carline and Tatiana, trying to plan Lily and James's wedding without driving the intended couple and their parents completely insane. Mr. and Mrs. Evans came to stay in William Potter's house along with us. It seemed perfect - Mr. Potter and the Evanses had met before, and were becoming quite good friends, and were absolutely thrilled that their children were getting married.

Sirius was going to be James's best man. They flipped a coin and decided that Tatiana would be Lily's maid of honor. There were no other attendants - our weddings are slightly different from that of Muggles'. We spent the week chasing each other around the house, laughing and playfully arguing about cakes and flower arrangements and color schemes. Everyone was just so happy.

After the week, we returned to Hogwarts for the remainder of the second term. From this point on it would be exempted examinations, graduation festivities, and the special ceremony to celebrate our 'survival,' as we'd termed it. The first night we were back, we got the news.

Professor Dumbledore woke us up in our dormitory Monday night. First he only woke James, but the rest of us somehow managed to awake as well, and he agreed that we should be with James. Before he would tell us what it was, Professor McGonagall arrived holding Lily's hand, and the two teachers seated us in the Gryffindor common room to hear what they had to say.

I was in shock - I remember very little of what they said to us. So I can't imagine what Lily and James were feeling as Professor Dumbledore clutched a piece of parchment in his long fingers and very somberly told us the news.

The Sunday night before, after we'd left to return to Hogwarts, Death Eaters had visited the homes of the Potters and the Evanses. William Potter was dead. Rose and Bryant Evans were dead. Their bodies had been found unmarked but cold, their eyes wide open, and the Dark Mark was above their houses.

And though we were too distraught to discuss it there, we knew. We knew that it wasn't an accident or a random act, but an act that was planned and calculated, and simply set off too late to destroy us - whichever one or ones of us that were the targets, along with their parents.

Dumbledore and McGonagall stayed with us for a long while, until they were sure that there were some of us who were calm enough to care for the others. Then they left to return to their beds, leaving Sirius, Peter, and I to take care of the bereaved.

The scene was almost too much for me to bear. James and Lily were holding each other and sobbing, looking so helpless there on the common room couch. Peter had dropped his head into his hands; Sirius was standing, his arms wrapped around his chest, in shock. I didn't know what I could do. Why did they have to die...?

And suddenly all I could imagine was their parents' deaths. I knew the Potters and the Evanses so well after all these years, I could hardly believe they were dead. How had the Dark Lord done it? Had they known what was facing them when he raised his wand? Had Mr. Potter fought back, or had he been glad to join his wife in death? Had Mr. Evans tried to keep Mrs. Evans safe, or had they gone together? Then all I saw was my own parents' deaths, even though they were still alive and well. I could vividly picture them fleeing from You-Know-Who, knowing all the while that they were doomed--

My breath caught in my throat. I saw Peter get up and leave the room, and I didn't blame him. I would have too, if I'd been able to move. But I couldn't - I just stood there, my hands braced on the back of the couch, lost in sorrow and disbelief. In front of me, Lily was sobbing so hard I wondered if she would begin to hyperventilate. She couldn't seem to breathe.

Sirius was the first to do anything. His face screwed up with emotion; he silently approached the couch and sat down next to James, stretching his arms around both of them. He said nothing, just put his arms around them to hold them. I felt compelled to do the same, so I sat beside Lily and let my hands overlap with Sirius's. Somewhere in there, he and I began to cry as well. I imagine it would have been bad to watch, but it was horrific to be there. Things like this did not happen to people.

"This isn't real, this isn't real..." James was saying, muttering the words over and over as he held his fiancé. Lily was worse off - she kept repeating, "Not my mummy and daddy, not both of them," through her sobs.

We had received the news sometime after one o'clock in the morning - we four sat there, holding each other, till the sun came up. Their tears finally slowed, they finally began to breathe again, but we hardly moved. It was as if reality was so hard to believe, we needed something else solid to hold onto. When the first students began coming down from their dormitories, Sirius and I both knew it was time to move.

"Lily? James?" I whispered, releasing them. They were still awake, but silent. "Let's go upstairs, all right?" They didn't seem to hear me at first, but finally James nodded and stood up. He took both of Lily's hands, then wrapped an arm around her waist to support her. Sirius put James's other arm around his shoulder, and I did the same with Lily's free arm.

"Don't ask," Sirius warned a second year who had barely opened his mouth at the sight of us. We walked slowly up the staircase to the seventh year boys' dormitory, opening the door. Two of the other boys were still in there, but they were dressed - they looked shocked at the sight of our sad entourage. Peter was nowhere to be seen.

"Could you please go to breakfast?" I asked, and they nodded wordlessly and left. Sirius and I placed the tragic couple on James's bed and let them sit there. After a moment, they just laid down together, still holding each other tightly. Sirius looked down at the floor, attempting to hold back his emotions - I glanced around, then ripped the covers off my bed, laying the thick blankets over them. It was early in the April morning and they were tired, they would be cold. My thoughts were all simple.

Lily closed her eyes and pressed her face against James's chest. James had long since taken off his glasses, having left them downstairs by the fireplace. His eyes were puffy and unseeing; then he seemed to just notice Sirius and me. He swallowed hard, then murmured, "Thanks, guys."

Sirius shook his head - his voice was very low. "No problem, Prongs." I felt like I was going to choke on all the emotions I felt - I must have made some noise, because then Sirius looked over at me and reached to lead me by my arm. "C'mon, Moony," he said, his face soft, "let's get them something to eat."

"Okay," I managed to say, following him. At some point on the staircase he dropped my hand, but I felt myself craving another person's touch - just for comfort. Just to know that I was alive, that this tragedy I felt so strongly was not my own. Yet even as I thought that, I knew it was my own. The Marauders were my brothers - Lily was my sister. Any sorrow of theirs was also mine.

We reached the common room, now void of students - 'Everyone must be at breakfast,' I thought. Then I remembered James's uncovered face, and I went to the end table to retrieve the glasses he had removed last night. "James's glasses," I explained to Sirius, holding them up so he could see.

He nodded, and we left through the Fat Lady's portrait to hurry down to the Great Hall. The halls of the school had never seemed as empty as they were now. Everything was so dark and lonely and terribly sad - finally, on the stairway between the second and third floors, I couldn't take it any longer. I stopped, leaned against the banister, and covered my face with my hands. I wasn't crying, but I needed to do something to steady myself.

Sirius looked back in shock, and he knelt beside me, placing an arm around my shoulders. "Moony," he said in distress, "Hey, Moony, what's wrong?"

"Everything!" I moaned. "Everything is wrong. James and Lily didn't deserve this, you know they didn't." I began to ramble, somehow expressing a well of fears that had been building since one o'clock this morning. "And now both of their families are gone, the whole family, and what if that was our parents? Are we that alone? Is everything that hopeless? What's the point of fighting You-Know-Who if he can do this, if he can take away every reason to live? If he..." My words dissolved into silent, repressed tears and shaking gasps of breath.

Sirius approached me and put his hands on my shoulders, steadying me. "Remus." He had my attention; I moved my hands and looked him in the eye. "Remus, what's happened is terrible, but we're still alive. There are always reasons to go on fighting; there are always reasons to go on living."

I wondered when Sirius the prankster had become so wise, and I returned, "I know. But - it's so painful. We're all family here. We all bleed from the same wounds." I thought of Lily's face, how she went so pale when Dumbledore first told her the news...

He nodded solemnly. "I know it's true. But don't get lost in that fact. There are always reasons to go on fighting. Lily and James's wedding - the Order of the Phoenix. Dumbledore's really going to get us all in. And - well, our friendship, Moony. All of us."

I suddenly realized the truth of his words, and I squared my shoulders and stood up straighter. "You're right, Padfoot," I agreed, calling him by our old nickname. It was always something of a comfort to use those familiar names, as if to invoke a more innocent age. And we went to the Great Hall.

Bringing food up to Lily and James, and caring for them so intently over the next few weeks, brought a purpose to my life I hadn't really felt before. It seemed we'd been so much younger when James lost his mother... We did the same things for them that we'd done for James before. We stayed with them, did everything for them, made sure they kept their grades and their health. It was such a bad time for us all - like a stark reminder of our own mortality.

It was really a blessing that they decided to continue with their wedding as planned, finally agreeing that their parents would have wanted them to be happy. And Sirius, Peter, and I continued to watch over and care for them like surrogate parents. It was good for us, I think, to do that. I returned all their favors to me by tending them now. All of Lily's tenderness, all the times I told myself I wasn't really fond of her in that way, were repaid now. All the times James had defended my name or never been jealous of Lily's friendships with the rest of us were settled. And I knew I'd never been in love with Lily, or even really half-in love. I just knew that I possessed a greater capacity for friendship and loyalty and love than I'd ever imagined.

That didn't make it any easier on me when I saw the way James and Lily looked at each other, or the way Sirius could pick up any girl he wanted, even some girls he didn't want. What they did was never intentional. I'm not sure they even knew how I felt - it was just something inside of me that missed that kind of connection, the kind I knew I would never have.

Of course, if I'd known then that within the next three years I wouldn't even have any friends left, much less romance, I wouldn't have given so much thought to loneliness. I would have devoted my life to protecting my few true friends. But I didn't know that back then...

After graduation, Sirius and I really started getting closer. He had a thing for Muggle clubs - he liked the loud music and the crazy dancing and the way the alcohol made everything funnier and everyone cuter. There was also something distinctly hysterical about his talents with Muggle women. I preferred to watch him work his 'magic,' as he called it, on the dance floor, but eventually he didn't have to drag me out there with him - I was actually enjoying myself. But I never went home with any of them. Sirius did every once in a while, but not me.

So even though Sirius and I were good friends, great friends, that was a thing I kept to myself: the whole 'destined to be alone' bit, which proved truer than I could ever have imagined, and the tiny longing for Lily. But I'm a pro at keeping things to myself. I had to, once we realized there was a spy. They would have suspected me even more than they already did if they'd ever guessed how I half-felt about Lily.

Life got so confusing - but when I look back, there were parts that were still so sweet.