Terry Boot and the Masochist's Boulder

"Terry," Lisa said, voice filled with exasperation. "Exams are in under ten weeks, and the only spell you've mastered is Wingardium Leviosa, and by mastered I mean, you send people to Italy."

"And, turn doors into rainbows," Terry said proudly.

"Like your Canadian blood, that's nothing to be proud of," Mandy pointed out. "We really ought to start priming you for the Charms exam."

"Charms, smarms, I don't need no stinking charms... lucky or otherwise," Terry said, polishing his crutch.

"Speaking of 'smarms'," Professor Kettleburn said, interrupting their conversation, for they were loitering in his small, ramshackled cabin, "I have a rather smarmy unicorn for you to meet! He lives in the Forbidden Forest with his partner in crime, Rep, the aptly named replican."

"Replican?" Lisa asked.

"Smarmy?" pondered Mandy aloud.

"CRIME?!?" Terry bellowed, a question gleaming in his eyes.

"Ah yes," Professor Kettleburn mused. "Smarms is a fast talking, bag pipe playing, cigar puffing unicorn from around these here parts, in one of those shifty unicorn clans, and Rep, well, let's just say he came from the wrong side of Chicago and it shows. Funny things, Replicans... the craziest of creatures. Half leprechaun, half garden gnome...a twisted race, really. They're mostly Italian, and have the sad luck of being cursed with Canadian gold. I don't like 'em much, but I'm a racist."

"So, this Smarms is coming here?" Lisa asked, clearly perplexed. "But why?"

"They're old friends of mine, naturally... and Rep is a comin' to collect on his bounty he left back in Hogwarts nearly thirty odd years ago."

"Bounty?" Terry asked, scratching his chin.

"That's right Terry, like leprechauns, replicans have quite the fancy for pots o' gold, except theirs aren't a sittin' at the end of no rainbows," he explained, sipping on some replican fire whiskey. "Those replicans make a potent moooooonshine," he said, drawing out the o's like it was going out of style.

"Well, no offense to you Professor," Mandy said, scowling. "But, I don't think we'll be around to meet these colorful characters. We have to get ready for our end of the year exams. I'm not letting that Hermione Granger show me up... crazy Muggle born."

"I like your attitude Mandy. What a go getter," Professor Kettleburn praised, leading the three out the door. "Oh, and best stay away from Hagrid's hut while you're at it. He's raising some crazy secret, illegal dragon. No good. Crazy giants. But I'm a racist. Anyways, I saw young Malfoy peaking around over there, so trouble must be a brewing. I wouldn't be Hagrid for the world when this mess comes out. He won't be able to get out of this one. But I'm a racist."

And so the three left.

However, they had only gone about three steps, three fateful steps, when they heard a sound from the bushes on the edge of the Forbidden Forest.

"Pssst," they heard a voice hiss. "Get over here."

The trio headed for the bushes, and saw the strangest pair they had ever seen...this would be an even stranger pair than a pair of legs on Terry Boot. Standing in the foliage were a kilt clad unicorn smoking a cigar, and a small, surly replican, who at this point in time was trying to get Terry's attention.

"Oi...I hear that giant has gots a dragon in there. Five galleons says it doesn't last the week. Do I hear five? Ten? Ten galleons says he doesn't last the week. Twenty for two weeks."

"Stop trying to create betting rings wherever you go," Smarmy said, flicking ash onto Rep's top hat.

The five creatures heard people talking.

"Get in da bush!" Rep screamed, and the trio dived into the greenery with the two surly fantasy creatures.

"I can't believe it's tonight." they heard Harry Potter saying. "What was Hagrid thinking? If only he hadn't tried raising a dragon on his own."

"I know," Hermione agreed. "I don't want to sneak out any more than you, but Charlie's coming tonight to get it. We have to show up, and after all, you basically got us into this, Harry."

"What a pretentious brat," Smarms commented, taking a puff.

"Shut yer trap," Rep scrowled. "That doll has one great kisser."

"Dolls are for girls," Terry said.

"Are ya callin' me a homo? I'll knife ya!" Rep bargained, pulling out a switch blade and scratching his chin with the tip.

As Harry Potter's gang passed out of sight, Lisa asked the fateful question, "Who are you, and what exactly do you want?"

"Your money!" Rep threatened.

"Shut up!" Smarms kicked him. "Sorry, lassy, my partner here has uncontrollable urges. You know, what with his replican blood and all."

"Oh! You must be the two that Professor Kettleburn was talking about," Terry said. "He's waiting for you in the cabin."

"Are we late?" Smarms asked, lighting up a cigarette.

"Only a little a bit," Lisa interjected, scowling at Smarmy and his toxins.

"I can fix that," Smarms said, grimacing in what looked like pain. His horn gave off a red light that nearly blinded the other three, for Rep had put on a snazzy pair of shades.

Suddenly there were five more creatures sharing their foliage.

"Are ya callin' me a homo? I'll knife ya!" Rep bargained, pulling out a switch blade and scratching his chin with the tip.

"Whoa," one Smarms said to the other. "That didn't work out like I had planned."

"Way to go, Smarms," said the other Smarms.

"You're making me sick," Terry moaned, as the other one stared in wonder.

"Stop time traveling you punk unicorn!" Rep scrowled. The other one started advancing with his knife.

Suddenly, there was only one group left. "Crisis averted," Smarmy said. "Though we're still late."

"What just happened?" Mandy asked, confused.

"I'm a time traveling unicorn, do you have a problem with that?" Smarmy asked, lighting another cigar. "I do it all for you ungrateful bastards...I mean, kids. I live for you kids. I take them back to different eras...teach them lessons...school lessons that is. Rep teaches them other kinds of lessons."

Rep glared menacingly at Lisa. "I'm missin' da Bears game for this," he frowned.

"Well, you best get going, Professor Kettleburn is waiting," Mandy said, looking down on the pair strangely. She had never really liked unicorns...or replicans for that matter, but she's just a racist.

"Ah, Ray can wait on our arrival for a bit," Smarms said, taking a step out of the foliage. "We have more pressing issues to sort out first."

"Yeah, like my loot," Rep boomed, rubbing his hands together greedily, lust shining in his eyes.

"Oh, you mean your bounty?" Terry asked excitedly. "Where *is* it?" Rep squinted up at Terry, and then pulled him down to his level by the collar of his Wizarding robe.

"What's it to you?" he demanded. "You best watch yourself, or you'll be sleeping with the fishes just like my Canadian gold!"

"Oh, it's in the Mirror of Erised?" Terry said, excitedly once again.

"Oi, is this kid on Ritalin or somethin'?" Rep asked, taking off his satin top hat, and rubbing his head. He was dressed in a swanky, black satin suit, expensive looking leather shoes, and pure white spats.

"Nah lad," Smarmy said, ignoring Rep's question. "It's in the Pool of Turbulence. Crazy thing, really... shows your worst fears in its reflection. I looked in there once and saw prohibition."

Terry's eyes opened wide as he attempted to process the information that Smarmy had just spat out all over him.

"Wait, how could you put money in a mirror?" Terry asked, confused.

"You idiot," Rep gargled, sucking down a pint of moonshine. "It's a *pool*, hence the name."

Terry finally understood why chapter twelve had been so poignant.

"But Dumbledore told me that the Pool of Turbulence was a mirror," Terry whispered, almost to himself.

"Was he drunk?" asked Smarms, shooting a wary look at Terry.

"Oh...yeah," Terry said, finally noticing in his memory the way Dumbledore kind of swerved back and forth while he was talking.

"Well, let's get a move on," Rep said, pawing at Lisa.

"I don't like to be touched," she shot back.

"Once you go rep, you never go back," Rep said, smiling and exposing his golden front teeth.

"That didn't even rhyme," Lisa said, rolling her eyes.

"You guys," Terry began. "Shouldn't we go get Rep's gold? This seems like it's taking a little too long."

"Good point, Terry," Rep said. "Way to always think about gold. Kind of makes me suspicious though. Why are you thinking about my gold, Terry?"

"Knock it off," Smarmy said, as they headed up to the castle. "I've had it with your...talking and living...just shut up."

So everyone headed to the Pool of Turbulence in silence. As it should have been.

"No diving," Smarms commented, as he and Rep looked into the pool.

"There's no lifeguard either," Terry added, as Lisa and Mandy looked around in wonder at the cavern. "Where's the mirror?" Terry queried aloud.

"Who cares?" Rep mumbled. "Hey!" he suddenly exclaimed. "Smarmy...we're each other!"

And sure enough, reflected in the pool were Smarmy and Rep, but standing where the other one should have been.

"Your deepest fear is to be me?!" Rep burst out. "What's wrong with me?"

"You don't drink enough," Smarmy said. "Now shut up, and get your gold."

Rep looked around stealthily, and then took off his hat. "I'm going in," he said. He took a running leap and dived into the pool, toward a little flap on the bottom which must have been magically sealed...or some crap like that. Suddenly, there was a clicking sound, and the sound of water draining down a pipe.

"Smarms!" Rep called, as he swirled around in the whirlpool created by the draining of the Pool of Turbulence. "Help! It must have known I dived!"

Smarms didn't move.

"If ya don't help me, I'll knife ya!" he called, as he was being sucked down into the pipe. There was a huge sucking sound, and then...no more Rep.

"Will he really kill you?" Mandy asked Smarmy.

"He's threatened to kill me before, but he won't," Smarmy told her. "He knows I'll just gore him with my horn."

"Ew," Lisa commented.

"Yeah, well, you use what your mother gave you, and all that jazz," Smarmy said. "Where does this pipe lead?"

"Probably to the lake," Lisa told him.

"Thanks," he said, making a hasty retreat. Terry gave him the creeps.

On the way back to the common room, they saw Harry Potter and his friends getting lead away by Filch.

"They must have gotten caught taking the dragon away," Mandy mused aloud.

"Well," said Lisa. "This was certainly a worthless chapter...on both accounts."

And no truer statement had been spoken that night.