Terry Boot and the Masochist's Boulder

"Glad to hear you won your first Quidditch match," Mandy said, moving her chess piece across the board.

"Thanks," Terry said, "if by won you mean lost." All of Terry's chess pieces committed suicide.

"Wow," Lisa breathed. "I've never seen that happen before, and I don't mean you failing, Terry. Zeus knows I've seen a lot of that, in my day. I mean, those chess pieces, they they..."

"THEY MOVED! That...that was like...MAGIC!" Terry screeched, motioning to a random screech owl that took that very moment to burst through the window to emphasize his point.

"Hoo Hoo," scrowled the owl, dropping a shiny blue bag of gifts in front of the decorated tree that sat proudly in the middle of the common room.

"Terry," Mandy began, rubbing her temples like an alcoholic house wife who'd had to fake one too many head aches in her day. "You're a wizard. So, of course you'll see a little magic."

"I just never knew they had a wizard version of Monopoly," Terry said, awe inspired. "By the way, I passed Go twice, that's five thousand Canadian dollars, and you, Mandy are to go straight to jail. And Lisa, don't even get me started, you are so in debt, you just landed on my hotel; The Rio Del Terry. You're in deep water my dear."

"Terry," Lisa said with a sigh, "first off, I'm not even playing. Secondly, this isn't Monopoly. And third and most importantly, give me that bottle." Lisa and Mandy had to fight to get the Butterbeer bottle out of his hand. On closer inspection, Lisa realized he was drinking straight vodka.

"Butterbeer's for Hufflepuffs and authors who don't know better," Terry slurred, falling forward into Mandy's lap.

"I think you have a problem, Terry," Lisa said, worriedly.

"Nah," Terry said brightly. "This was all just an elaborate excuse to distract the readers from the fact that the authors don't want to mention Quidditch."

"Oh," Lisa and Mandy said in unison.

"Frightfully boring," added Cho, who waltzed onto the scene like Yoko Ono with bi-polar disorder. "Good game Boot, even if that crutch of yours snapped in half in mid air, eh?"

"I know what air is, Cho," Terry said, smirking. Cho smiled, stupidly.

"Oh man, you're breaking up the band...group...friendship," Lisa said, scowling as Cho sidled up to Terry.

"I see the Ravenclaw Christmas presents were successfully delivered," Cho said with a smile, not understanding that without Harry Potter she would never have been mentioned in the story to begin with....ever.

"Thanks for bringing that point back up," Mandy said. "I don't see any more need for your kind in this story. Why don't you go find Dean...or some other ethnic pity story. We have enough minorities," she pointed at Terry's lack of leg, "for a whole series on its own."

Cho smiled, laughed, cried, vomited, had a panic attack, and snogged with the Christmas tree all at the same time, and then left. Before she disappeared into her dormitory, she looked over her shoulder and muttered, "I'll be back... you can count on that. Bwa hahahahah!" And then she vomited again, and exited the scene.

"So, let's open up your presents!" Terry said, digging into the bag, groping for the correct present.

"No, Terry! You can't open up the presents until Christmas morning," Mandy said, shaking her head. "You do know what Christmas is, right?"

"It's that time of year where I'm forbidden from eating at all, and forbidden from looking happy," Terry said, eyes downcast.

"Not here, Terry!" Lisa exclaimed, trying to make him feel better about his situation, which was impossible. "You'll get presents, friends, and food!"

"Presents for me?" Terry asked, puzzled. "But...who would want me to be happy?"

"Us!" Lisa and Mandy shouted at him.

"Oh...," Terry pondered. "I'm glad I got you guys something then. Even though I had to make them."

"I'm sure we'll love them, Terry," Mandy told him, smiling. "Now, let's go to bed."

The next morning dawned brighter than any day had for Terry since his coming to Hogwarts. He raced downstairs to join Mandy and Lisa, who were sipping orange juice and waiting for Terry to make his Christmas debut.

"Good Morning!" they said cheerfully as Terry clambered down the stairs.

"Morning!" he said in return. "Can we open presents now?"

"Yes," Lisa said, as she followed Terry to the tree. A lot of Ravenclaws were gathered around, checking bags and boxes for names or some sort of identification.

"Here you go, Lisa, Terry," Mandy said, emerging from the crowd. "Let's go over there and open them. It looks a little quieter."

The trio walked to the corner of the common room and sat down. Terry gave Lisa and Mandy his presents, and watched as they opened them. He had made them macaroni pictures. Lisa's was a sun, and Mandy's was the moon. He told them this enthusiastically.

"Do you like them?" Terry asked, as Mandy and Lisa wondered how Terry could tell one macaroni circle from the next.

Lisa had given Terry a crutch polishing kit, and she had given Mandy a fashionable new sweater and a year's subscription to Cosmopolitan.

Mandy gave each of her friends five chocolate frogs and a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. For Lisa, she also gave her a cloth to wipe her glasses, and for Terry she also gave him some new shoe laces. She noticed he had been tripping a lot more than usual. Also, Mandy's mother had knitted for Terry a blue leg warmer, emblazoned with a silver "T".

"Hey! 'T' is for 'Terry'! Thanks, you guys!" Terry said, clutching his candy, laces, and kit protectively. "I've never had anything of my own before."

"Just make sure to eat the frogs and beans," Lisa told him...just in case.

"Hey, Terry!" another first year called. "There's one more package over here for you." He gave Terry the package and then wandered back to his own group, clearly not interested.

Terry opened the wrapping and there, inside, was an Invisibility Cloak.

"Wow!" Lisa exclaimed. "Those things are really rare."

"Not really," a third year said. "I heard this morning that Harry Potter got one, too."

"Harry's always hogging the spotlight," Mandy complained.

"It's okay, Mandy," Terry said. "I like my cloak anyway."

That very night found a restless Terry thinking about his Invisibility Cloak. One would have thought that with all the excitement Terry had had that day, he'd be incredibly tired, or at least a little drowsy. However, as this story has pointed out, one legged children are hard to predict.

Terry got out of bed, walked to his chest, and took out his Invisibility Cloak. He swept it over his shoulders and pranced out of the dormitory, knowing for certain that no one would ever find him under his cloak.

"Hey, Terry," said another first year boy. "You have to put that *over* your head. It works better that way."

"Thanks!" Terry said, pulling the cloak over his head.

"No, Terry," the kid said, stepping out from under his Invisibility Cloak. "You have to put that over your body."

"Thanks!" Terry said, draping it around his body and wondering what a Hufflepuff first year was doing in his dormitory.

"No, Terry...," the kid trailed off, staring at Terry's disembodied head. "I...," instead of continuing with that, the kid put *his* cloak back on, the right way, ran up to Terry, kicked him in his good leg, and ran off...somewhere.

"Thanks!" Terry said, as he fell down the stairs, the Invisibility Cloak finally swathing his entire body like a turban on Cho's head. Terry was obviously mixing up nationalities, but he didn't care...or really even notice.

Terry continued onward, occasionally bumping into more people in Invisibility Cloaks. He'd have to ask Professor Kettleburn about this later, but until then, Terry pretended he was the only special kid with this sort of cloak. Just like Harry Potter.

Terry didn't know exactly where he was going, or why, but it probably furthered the plot. Hey look, Harry Potter!

And so Terry found himself at the entrance of a narrow corridor.

"It sure is dark in here," He muttered, stumbling down the hall. "I wish I knew the spell to make light. Hrm... I wonder." Terry took out his wand, hoped for the best and yelled, 'Wingardium Leviosa' and the corridor lit up immediately. "That one's a keeper."

He walked for a few minutes until he realized something about the corridor had changed. It took a hard bump on the head for Terry to realize that the corridor ceiling was lower.

"I should probably stop and turn around," Terry said, pondering the situation aloud. "Then on the other hand, it's been too long since I've had a decent adventure. Eleven years too long." He set his jaw and continued walking. In the end he had to crawl on his hands and knee, but he made it.

He came to a locked door, about the size of a small dog. Yes, Terry often thought of things in their relation to small, house broken animals.

"Hrm... this door is locked. Should I... no, it wouldn't work again, or would it?" Terry shouted "Wingardium Leviosa" once more and the door turned into a rainbow.

"Well," Terry said aloud. "At least I can get through the rainbow." And so he did. When he got through the opening, he was in a large, cavern like room. It was quite a change from the small, slowly compacting corridor that he had just come from. In the center of this cavern-like room sat a large, slightly glowing, silver pool.

Terry, excited about the prospect of swimming and possibly fishing, walked toward the pool, only to be stopped when he got within inches of its glowing surface. At the bottom of the pool was inscribed in glowing, green ink, "Warning: No Diving!". It showed a picture of a little wizard diving into the pool, and snapping his neck. Terry took a step back, and then he looked down. His jaw hit the floor. Reflected in the pool's glistening surface was a normal looking boy. Terry would have thought it looked like him, except, this was a *normal* looking boy. On closer inspection, he realized that it was him, but with two legs.

Terry tried to smile at this reflection of his deepest wish, but he found he couldn't. It felt like some small part of him, perhaps the size of a house broken animal, had died. Terry sat next to the pool, and crossed his leg in front of him, just staring at his reflection which had also sat down, but he had crossed both of his legs. Reflection Terry was smiling up at Frowning Terry, once in awhile giving a little wave. Terry must have sat there for hours.

"This isn't right," Terry thought to himself eventually. "This pool must show my deepest desires." Terry looked at his reflection from all the angles he could see while sitting down. It was everything he had ever dreamed of being, but it just...wasn't right.

A little sadly, he finally left.

The next night Terry made the same journey down to the pool, only to discover another object sharing the pool's space. It was a large mirror, with funny writing at the top. When Terry looked into the mirror, he just saw himself standing there, with the pool glowing in the background.

"I don't get it," Terry thought to himself.

"Terry, my boy, Terry," Dumbledore said, coming out of the shadows in a creepy, old man, type of way. "Why do you have to make everything so difficult? I just took this mirror," Dumbledore pointed toward the pool accidentally, "away from Harry Potter, because he couldn't stop looking at his heart's deepest desire. And now here I find you, standing next to the Pool of Turbulence," Dumbledore accidentally pointed at the Mirror of Erised, "which shows your deepest fears. Also, I can't put my finger on it, but something in your eyes tells me you were...ABOUT TO DIVE! There's no lifeguard on duty, Terry, and there never will be. So no diving...or swimming...or...just go, Terry. Just go."

"But, Sir, I have questions," Terry said.

"Who do you think you are? Harry Potter? I don't have time for Ravenclaws. Shove along, Terry, shove along," Dumbledore said, attempting to frighten Terry by waving his arms in his direction.

Terry, smelling the distinct odor of strong booze on Dumbledore's person, quickly scampered off.

"Well, that makes sense," Terry said to himself, as he headed back to the dormitory. "The Pool must have shown me what I most wanted, and that dirty, rotten mirror showed me what I was most afraid of. Myself!" Terry congratulated himself on a job well done, and clambered through the portrait hole.

Meanwhile, sipping a brandy, Dumbledore stood on the edge of the Pool, and watched his reflection as it was told that Harry Potter was changing schools. "Nooo!" moaned the Dumbledore reflection. "My meal ticket!" He shivered. "I always hated that pool."

Dumbledore turned and looked in the mirror. There he was, accepting Harry Potter as his adopted son. Secretly, Dumbledore had always wished that he could look into the Mirror of Erised and just see himself. But who was ever truly happy? And as Dumbledore left the cavern, another thought popped into his head. What if your deepest desire was to see yourself as you are in the Mirror of Erised? What would the mirror show you? Would it be the person, infinite times, reflected in the mirror? Or would it just show you, yourself, as you are?

These were thoughts that Dumbledore couldn't handle, as the alcohol was slowly eating away at his brain cells...and his liver. He soiled himself, collapsed, and waited for McGonagall to find him in the morning. That woman was always cleaning up after him...literally.