Hidden Within

Hidden Within

Chapter Eleven - An Unexpected Friend

Hermione could barely believe her NEWTs were already upon her. She had studied and prepared for them every waking second - and, ultimately, a few sleeping ones as well since she had started dreaming about her revisions -, and they still seemed too soon. She was mostly afraid of her upcoming Potions NEWT, since it had been a tremendous effort of will to keep her attention focused on the syllabus instead of on the teacher. But she would not fail. She owed them both that much. Thank Heavens that examinations weren't conducted by Hogwarts teachers!

Things had been strained with Harry at first, until he had cornered her in the library and told her that he couldn't figure out why she was 'avoiding Ron as well'. When he finally understood that she had, in fact, been fully concentrating on her studies and not avoiding anyone, he had ended up confessing he missed her, regardless of who she was in love with. "Besides, my homework's been suffering terribly, and poor Ron's too!" Hermione hadn't anticipated the relief she would feel at not being all alone. Suddenly, with her best friends back, her load seemed lighter. Now, however, waiting in line for her name to be called for the Defence Against the Dark Arts NEWT, her stomach was a tangled mass and it was all she could do to keep breathing. Never had any examination been more important to her, and that was saying quite a lot. Then she heard 'Granger, Hermione', and all thoughts were wiped clean from her mind.

---

It was over, Hermione thought while she toyed with her mashed potatoes, it was finally over. She didn't know how well she had done, but she had at least scraped 'A's in all her NEWTs, she was sure. Of course she would have normally accepted nothing short of 'O's, but her circumstances had scarcely been 'normal'. Now the Leaving Feast was dragging interminably, and she could hardly wait for Dumbledore's speech to mark that she was no longer Severus' student. The Potions Master had already excused himself from the High Table, and it was a strenuous task to keep from running out of the Great Hall after him.

After what seemed an eternity, though, Dumbledore finished speaking and she was free. She left the Great Hall as soon as it was acceptable, muttering something about not having packed everything, and made for the dungeons, a sense of foreboding upon her.

---

Severus had also left the Great Hall as soon as he thought it would be deemed acceptable, although, for him, that had been rather sooner than for Hermione. He had mixed feelings about the meaning of this particular Leaving Feast, about not having to see her again... seeing her was both agony and bliss, both torment and redemption. All in all, he thought sourly, not at all that different from what not seeing her would be like. Still it was over, in a way, and he would no longer have to school his expressions so carefully. He supposed that, at least, was a plus. His musings were interrupted by a knock on his door, one he briefly considered not answering to. But Albus had never been deterred by his lack of response before, so he supposed he had better open it. Now as before, he had not expected to be confronted by Hermione. He opened his mouth, although he had no idea what he was going to say, but she saved him the effort by raising her hand in a plea for silence.

"Severus. Please let me speak, please don't say anything until I'm finished. Please." She seemed so nervous... "My NEWTs are over. I'm sure I passed them, Severus, as is the Headmaster. And the Leaving Feast is happening right now, I am not a Hogwarts student anymore. I am not your student anymore." Her eyes were suspiciously bright and her voice was trembling. "What about now? None of the reasons you mentioned before applies anymore. Is there an us now? I still love you..."

All the air that had once filled his lungs suddenly went missing. He had thought... he had thought she had put him out of her mind, certainly out of her heart... he had received no indication whatsoever that she still thought of him as... something more than a teacher. He had not prepared himself for this confrontation, he had no words for her. 'I still love you...' Gods! But his true reasons remained unchanged, they were still as valid as before... He tried to think of a scathing remark, something that would make her hate him for sure this time, but the best he could do was to keep his voice neutral.

"Miss Granger, I apologise if I misled you in any way. It was not my intention to do so. My reasons still apply, it would merely seem I didn't make them clear enough; I do not wish to be with you. Not now, and not in the future. Once again my apologies. I had thought I had made that point clear enough."

Hermione felt as if she had been hit by the Cruciatus. It had all been a lie, she had been lying to herself all along. She wanted to hate him, she wanted him to see his words bounce off her as if they were nothing, but she couldn't. She felt herself tearing apart inside, and still her stubborn nature wouldn't let her give up. She stuck her chin up even as tears streamed down her face.

"Did you lie before, then? You said you wanted me... what changed? What happened?"

"Reality, Miss Granger. Reality happened. You apparently, just failed to notice it. I wish you luck for your future, and I sincerely hope you don't misunderstand me now: I do not wish to be a part of it. Kindly leave my quarters now."

Hermione merely nodded. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her completely broken. With as much grace as she could she turned and left, knowing she was leaving behind her last chance to be with him.

---

Watching her retreating back, Severus had been sure that was the most pain he would feel in his life. He had been wrong. The first year after her departure had been relatively calm, with nothing unusual. He had kept tabs on Hermione, to ensure her safety, he told himself, and everything was going within a semblance of normality. She was working in experimental Potions for the Ministry of Magic, now that they had finally acknowledged Voldemort's return and, as with everything she put her heart into, her work was flawless. Then she had started dating. Severus had swallowed hard and he had had the man thoroughly checked out - all for her sake, of course - only to have her breaking up with the man and starting a new relationship. The pattern had gone on long enough for Severus to realise they were not relationships at all - none lasted more than a week, at best. He had tried to convince himself that, if her affections were so feeble, he was better off not having involved himself further with her, but he knew better. Somehow he knew she wouldn't have been like that with him. Then, when he had grown accustomed to the way she was leading her life, she had changed it again. The man she had been with one week remained unchanged the next. And the week after that. And, after two months, Severus understood the man was important enough to be checked out, lest he be a threat to Hermione. Jeffrey Gainsborough, mediwizard at St. Mungo's, good professional, confirmed to hate Voldemort as much as the next wizard and an overall "nice guy". Hermione would be safe enough with him, he had decided, and, after eight more months, Severus had chosen to do the healthy thing and stop tracking her. It had been a conscious effort on his part. Then he had purchased a pensieve for himself and proceeded to revive the time spent inside the Purgatorium. Only once a month and he would find the strength to go on. Another year and a half went by, and news came to Hogwarts that Hermione Granger and Jeffrey Gainsborough were to be wedded in four months. Severus had taken the news with his customary disdainful sneer, letting everyone in the staff room know exactly how unimportant he believed that particular piece of information to be, and then, in the privacy of his quarters, had broken down and cried. His visits to the pensieve became weekly after that, sometimes even more frequent that that. It was, after all, all he had now that Draco had finished his apprenticeship.

---

Hermione was in Diagon-Alley, hurrying to get her wedding dress. Everything had to be meticulously prepared, from the dress to the ceremony, from the invitations to the food. She didn't let herself be bothered by the fact that she was preparing her wedding with the exact same amount of effort and care that she reserved for business meetings; she refused to acknowledge that she was usually more excited before the aforementioned business meetings than now, two days before her wedding. Jeff was a good man, willing to give so much and asking so little in return... she was doing the right thing, and she would be as happy as she could. A voice intruded upon her thoughts.

"Hey, Granger."

She turned reflexively, recognising the voice immediately.

"Malfoy."

"I heard you were getting married."

And what have you got to do with it?, she wanted to snap, but then she remembered Draco was alright after all and bit her tongue. "I am. The day after tomorrow."

"Oh. Er... I see." He seemed uncomfortable.

"Well, I've got to go now, I have a wedding dress to pick up. It was nice seeing you."

"No, wait!" Hermione turned again, surprised at his tone of voice.

"Is there something wrong?"

"Could we discuss this over a butterbeer? It's really important..."

'Really Important'? What could Draco Malfoy have to discuss with her that qualified as 'Really Important'? She felt her curiosity getting the best of her.

"Er... alright. The Leaky Cauldron, then?"

"Yes, that would be fine."

---

Draco had seemed in quite a hurry to talk to her before but, now that they were sitting down, he was on his second butterbeer and he still hadn't uttered a word, although his face was getting redder by the second. Finally, when Hermione could take no more, he started.

"I wanted to talk to you because... you see... well... you know that I was an apprentice with Professor Snape until last year... and... and I still go to Hogwarts to meet him sometimes, his help is invaluable, the man is close to being a genius, you know?"

Hermione knew, although she couldn't see where he was trying to get, so she told him so.

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there, alright? This isn't exactly easy for me, you know?"

"No, Draco, I don't know, you haven't told me yet!" She replied, impatiently.

"What I wanted to know is if you still love him," he blurted.

"What?!?"

"Severus. Do you still love him?"

Hermione got up, outraged. "You have got to be kidding me! So he told you, did he? And now he sent you to check if the foolish little schoolgirl is still madly in love with him although she is marrying someone else, did he? Well you can go back and tell him I couldn't care less if he dropped dead!"

Draco had gotten up as well and raised his hand in a futile attempt to calm her down. "No, it's nothing of the kind, listen-"

"I don't want to listen! I can't even believe he told you, but I certainly don't have to give you answers. Or him for that matter! But, if he really wants to know, you can tell him I couldn't be happier!"

"He didn't tell me anything."

"That was the best you could come up with?? 'He didn't tell me anything.'?? So what did you do, guess??"

"I saw it. In a pensieve. The whole time you were inside the spell. He has it on his bedside table, I guess he thought no one would go to his quarters without him there. The Headmaster's worried about him, he doesn't do anything anymore except teach and lock himself in with that bloody pensieve. You have no idea how he's like, Hermione, it's almost as if he's become a ghost. Now, I don't know what happened between you two after you broke my fa... of Lucius' spell, but whatever it was, it's killing him. It's eating away at him, leaving only a shell."

Hermione Granger was not used to being at a loss for words. Words were the one thing she never lacked, flowing effortlessly to her lips whenever they were needed, always there. Which was why she was utterly surprised when she opened and closed her mouth at least six times before being able to utter "What?!?" She sat back down, waiting for her brain to resume its normal activity.

"Draco, you... you must be mistaken. I don't know why he keeps what happened between us in a pensieve, but whatever is eating away at him has nothing to do with that. Nothing at all. I appreciate you trying to help him, but I'm not the cause of his troubles. And I'm not the solution for them either."

"Yes you are. He treasures that thing like he's obsessed. I guess he is, in a way. He's withering, Hermione. What did you do to leave him like that?"

She could barely process what she was being said. How could that be? It didn't add up, any of it. Severus had made it clear he didn't want her, that what had happened between them had been only because of the Purgatorium Aeternus, that none of his feelings had been real... But then there was the Headmaster's cryptic warning 'And patient. Extremely patient.' Oh, damn Severus Snape, damn the man to Hell!!! She had spent the better part of five years trying to forget him, first by dedicating herself solely to her work, then by dating as much as possible, and, finally, with Jeff, and still he wouldn't leave her alone! She wished she could just snap something at Draco and be on her way, but she knew it wouldn't solve anything. Draco might go away, she might go ahead and get married, but the doubt would always be there, like a poisonous sting... she had to know why Severus was acting like this, even if it meant getting hurt all over again...

"Nothing. I didn't do a damn thing. We got out of the bloody spell alright - he saved me in there, actually - but when I went to see him he just told me to leave. And then I thought it might have been because he was my teacher and I made the same stupid mistake all over again and I went to see him during the Leaving Feast. Damn it, Draco, he told me he didn't want me, he was quite clear on that!"

"Wow. I didn't know that. So I guess you pretty much hate him, right? Well, I'm sorry I bothered you, then, I just... I guess I wanted to pay him back for all he's done for me. I should've known I wouldn't be any help. I hope your wedding goes ok."

Something in the dismissive way Draco shrugged his shoulders showed Hermione just how much hope he had put into this, just how much he cared for Severus. And she liked him for that, and decided that maybe he could be trusted, if only a little. She placed her hand on his shoulder just as he made to leave.

"Draco?"

"Huh?"

"I don't hate him. I don't hate him at all. I just can't see how it is he could tell me so clearly he didn't want me and now you come here and tell me he keeps reviving the time we spent together in a bloody pensieve!"

"I don't know either. But I'm willing to bet that, whatever his reasons, they weren't the ones he told you. You wouldn't recognise him if you saw him now. Not teaching, of course - he still terrorises the living daylights out of everybody - but in private. It's like he's too tired all the time to even snap at people, like he's stopped caring. He's the shadow of the man he was. Lucius would be thrilled if he weren't in Azkaban."

"So I'm supposed to go to him and grovel, is that it?"

"No, of course not. I told you, I didn't know it had been his decision. I guess he must have had his reasons."

Hermione sighed. "Yes. And I guess it's up to me to find out what they were... Damn you for having told me this, Draco!"

Draco sat up straighter, an understanding glint in his eyes.

"You do still love him!"

"A fat load of good that did me," answered Hermione aggressively. Then she gave a half-smile. "I guess you're right. I spent so much time telling myself he meant nothing to me anymore I almost believed it. Almost. I just wish I could understand why he would turn me away... Why are you telling me all of this, anyway? We were never exactly friends, why would you want him to be with me?"

"Because I think he loves you."

He let his words hang, unaware that he'd just hit Hermione with a speeding, bladed bludger. She had never once thought Severus might love her. She had believed he cared for her, that he wanted her and that that might just be enough for him, but never love. And now someone who knew him, someone who had been almost a son to him for four years was telling her he loved her, and her carefully organised life was crumbling to pieces already. She spoke no more as she finished her butterbeer and paid for it. Then she managed a terse "Thank you, Draco" and apparated straight to her flat.