Hidden Within

Hidden Within

Chapter Nine - Shock

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he felt was an overwhelming sensation of loss. This was it now, the real world with all of its accompanying consequences. If it weren't for the fact that Hermione deserved the fullest life she could get, he'd almost wish he hadn't known his reality was a fake one. How ironic that the thing conceived to madden him with pain was the very same thing that had allowed him to be happy. How ironic that he had that to thank Lucius Malfoy for. And he hadn't even begun thinking of the implications of what had happened. He'd been discovered. He could no longer spy, could no longer do anything to help, to redeem himself. On the other hand, he would never have to commit another atrocity, for as long as he lived. He heard Poppy fussing over Hermione and slipped away as quietly as possible, afraid to look at the woman he had held in his arms just a few minutes ago. Afraid he'd break down in front of her. And yet, now that he had his precious control back, he was sure it would never happen again.

---

When Hermione opened her eyes, it was almost as if she were breathing again after having nearly drowned. The infirmary, the smells, of clean and neat antiseptics instead of the coppery stench of blood of her last recollection, everything was reassuring. She wanted to just get up and go to Severus, to ask him to hold her again, to share her happiness with him, but something stopped her. This was both his home and his work, the place where he had lived for almost twenty years, and he was an intensely private man - surely he wouldn't appreciate such a display, especially in front of Madam Pomfrey. Tonight. Tonight, after she had spoken to Harry and, especially, to Ron, after she had the chance to explain to him that he would always be her best friend - only her best friend - she would sneak down to the dungeons to speak to Severus. Maybe she could even borrow Harry's cloak.

---

It had been at least five hours since he had sat with a glass and a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey, hoping to drink himself into a stupor, and still the whiskey remained untouched. The loss of her was a somehow too solemn thing for him to drown in alcohol. He dreaded to think of how the rest of the year would be, with her sitting in his classroom several hours a week. She probably wouldn't go back to Weasley, at least not after what she had told him, but, still, nothing prevented her from finding someone else. Someone worthy of her, his mind supplied venomously. All of a sudden he got up and threw the full glass angrily at the fireplace, causing the flames to flare momentarily. Nothing could help him, and most certainly not some distilled disinfectant.

---

Albus Dumbledore was exhausted. He hadn't felt this tired in decades, and yet he was happy. He, of course, remembered the events exactly as they had happened, time turner et al. He had, after all, been the one to bring Severus' unconscious form back to the infirmary a few hours ago, when they had thought they had lost Miss Granger. He had told no one of Severus' actions, confident that he would be up and awake during the day, and only Poppy knew for sure that he had gone back inside the Purgatorium Æternus. When Minerva had seen the floating Potions Master, the Headmaster had claimed exhaustion and shock as the reason for him to have simply passed out. Then Miss Granger's vitals had returned, and he had let everyone believe she had simply had a miraculous recovery, but he knew better. He knew Severus had saved her from something in there, he just didn't know what. And he also had a pretty good idea of the nature of his Potions Master's convoluted feelings. Which worried him in a far different manner than it should have. Under ordinary circumstances he would have a long conversation with any teacher who entertained the notion of maintaining a romantic relationship with a student, one possibly ending in contract termination. However, Severus was no Gilderoy Lockhart, and Miss Granger hardly an average seventeen year old girl. No, his greatest concern was what Severus might do to ruin everything. The man had the annoying habit of not believing he was worth anything, or that he had anything good in him left to give. Things were going to get worse before they got better.

---

The conversation with Ron turned out to be a lot easier than she had anticipated. It seemed Ron too had been having doubts about their relationship even before she had been caught in the spell; then, of course, in typical Ron Weasley style, he had been blaming himself for her sudden illness - that he hadn't paid her enough attention, that she had probably already been ill and he hadn't noticed... she was sure he would have remained with her if she hadn't ended it, if only out pf misplaced guilt. It had been the first thing she had done upon reaching her common room, despite everyone else congratulating her on her recovery and trying to know what exactly her "illness" had been.

After that she was sure the worse was over. She couldn't have been more wrong.

She was skimming through Parvati's homework to see what she had missed - four and a half months! She would probably fail the year! - when there had been a knock on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Harry. Can I come in?"

"It's open."

Harry let himself in and immediately proceeded to hug her thoroughly. She had lost count on exactly how many times she had been hugged ever since she had woken up; even Professor McGonagall had hugged her.

"It's so good to see you up and well, Hermione! We're both really happy that you're alright now."

She hugged him back. "I know, Harry, I've missed you both terribly too."

He looked at her awkwardly. "You've missed us? In a coma??"

Hermione hastily closed the door. "I wasn't... in a coma per se, Harry. Sit down, I'll tell you everything."

In the end, it was a much quicker tale than she would have thought. It was a heavily edited version, of course, one that left out her more private... interactions with Severus. For some reason it just didn't seem right telling it to Harry. Which still didn't stop him sticking his foot in his mouth.

"Oh, Gods, poor Hermione! Almost five months all alone with Snape. Ugh! I wouldn't wish that on Voldemort!"

"It wasn't like that, Harry, it wasn't like that at all. I wouldn't have lasted a week in there without him."

"Still, Snape. It rather makes you wonder if the alternative wouldn't be better! I bet now you wish you hadn't tried to stop him from falling. Who knows, maybe he would have never came back. Can you imagine that, a Snape-free Hogwarts?"

A shudder ran through Hermione. Yes, of course she could picture a Snape-free Hogwarts, she could picture it all too well. She had experienced it for five full days, in fact.

"Don't be stupid, Harry, of course I don't wish that. You'd rather he were mad or dead just so you wouldn't have him in class?"

The only thing that could be said for Harry was that he looked suitably ashamed. Unfortunately, he didn't sound suitably ashamed.

"It's not just a matter of having him in class, Hermione, it's everything else. It's him prowling the school at all hours, taking points as he pleases, always being a bastard. He's always been a bastard, Sirius will tell you that. Really, who would miss him?"

"Yes, of course, you're right. Who would miss him? If he has no one to miss him it would be no loss, right? He even used to be a Death Eater!.."

"Exactly! Honestly, I don't know why Dumbledore continues to let him teach here. He might have turned spy, but he was doing no more than what he should have in the first place. Even what happened to you was because of him."

"Of course! It's all his fault that Lucius Malfoy tried to do that to him. The bastard!!!" Harry was only now catching up to her sarcastic tone. "Oh, of course I hate him too. Why wouldn't I? After all, it's so much simpler than trying to understand his reasons. It's more than simple, it's convenient. It's convenient to hate Snape, to remember he was a Death Eater and forget how he kept placing himself at risk, over and over again, trying to save your sorry butt and finally being trapped in that horrendous spell because of it! Why, it's his fault! Doesn't he take away house points? Doesn't he favour Slytherins? What does it matter that he is a human being, what does it matter that he has hopes, and fears, and doubts, and emotions, just like everybody else?" She was trembling with fury now. "Let's all just hate him because he's Snape, and it's ok to hate Snape!" Now she was screaming. "It doesn't matter that he did everything he could to help me survive that horror, it doesn't matter that he comforted me and held me as I cried, it does NOT MATTER that he gave me his own bedroom because it was the best place inside that, that thing, and it doesn't matter that, in the end, he went back AND SAVED ME!!! He was already here, already safe and she went back to get me, but it doesn't matter because he's Snape!!! Well let me tell you something, Harry Potter, I'm very GLAD I got trapped in that spell with Severus, or I would never have known him for what he is. And I would rather still be in there with him than here, having to listen to all of this nonsense from you!!!"

When she finished her tirade she was shaking violently. Harry was staring open-mouthedly at her.

"'Severus'?!? Hermione... what exactly happened in there?"

"A LOT LESS THAN I WISH IT HAD!!! A lot less than what would have happened if he weren't so damn honourable!"

Harry looked greener than the Slytherin banner. "I... I'm sorry, Hermione, I... I didn't know you felt that way."

Suddenly Hermione felt tired. "You really don't get it, do you, Harry? You shouldn't be sorry because of my feelings, you should be sorry for having misjudged him. Over and over again. That's why you should be sorry. Not because I got upset, not because I love him, but because he doesn't deserve it. That's why you should be sorry, Harry."

Harry's mind, along with his vocal cords, had stopped functioning somewhere around the time she had said "because I love him".

"You... love him? And Ron?"

"Ron and I are friends, which is all we should ever have been"

"I see." The Boy Who Lived swallowed. "You're in love with Snape. I... I'm sorry, Hermione, I can't deal with this right now, I really can't. I'll... I'll see you at dinner."

As she watched one of her best friends hastily leave her bedroom, the only emotion Hermione was able to feel was relief. At least now, for better or for worse, the issue was dealt with. She returned to Parvati's homework, but her mind was elsewhere. A few floors down, to be precise, in the dungeons along with her heart. She could hardly wait until night.