Hidden Within

Hidden Within

Chapter Four - Choices

Hermione closed the bedroom door behind her and slid slowly to the floor. Something was affecting the way they were acting. Which was the reason for him to have kissed her. He would never have done it otherwise. Her disappointment was too deep to describe. Then she thought of herself. Would she have kissed him? All in all... yes, she would have. She might have once thought she wouldn't want Severus Snape if he were the last man alive, but time had proven her literally wrong. And, even if they were rescued, she would still want him. Even if there were other men to chose from. As far as they could tell, their behavioural pattern was being altered to worse, not better, so all the kind things she had seen from him were probably a part of him, albeit a hidden one. He was a man she could easily want. Correction, he was a man she already wanted.

Although... if it only changed them for the worse, how could it have led him to kiss her? What if he were sitting, just a doorway away, thinking of her what she was thinking of him? Thinking it had been whatever was affecting them, instead of her true self, to kiss him? She gathered her courage. Hell, she was a Gryffindor after all, she was supposed to be brave. She would simply go back in there and ask. Before her resolve could wan she got up and knocked, for the sake of his privacy.

"Severus? Are you awake?"

"Yes, come in." He took in her worried expression almost instantly. "Is something wrong?"

"I was... thinking. Remember what you said about rational analysis? Well, if you could analyze everything else, please analyze this and give me an honest answer. If whatever is affecting us wasn't, would you have kissed me?"

He didn't even blink. "No. No, I wouldn't have."

Hermione felt a knot constricting her throat. Too afraid at what her voice might sound like if she spoke, she simply turned and entered the bedroom. She had barely made it to the bed when Severus opened the door, for once not bothering to knock. He crouched in front of her, holding her hands in his and never taking his eyes off of hers.

"Hermione, I meant it the way I said it, not the way you understood it. Under different circumstances I would not have kissed you, not because I wouldn't want to, but because I would have never lost control. The will to do it would still have been there, it would just have been quashed."

All the frustrations and fears of the day came suddenly crashing down on her, finding release in her tears.

"Thank you. Thank you so much, Severus. Thank you so much."

He sat next to her, bringing her once again into his arms, marvelling at having had the opportunity to hold and be held by her thrice in the same day.

"Don't cry. I swear I'll do whatever it takes to get us out of here, sweetheart, don't cry." Even as he spoke he turned white. Sweetheart?!? How could he have let that slip? When he saw the look on her face, however, he was glad he had. There was a luminous smile breaking through her tears, making him feel rewarded as little could have. And, deep inside him, he knew it had been true; she was his sweetheart, the only thing that made his continued existence bearable. Suddenly there was something he had to know, had to let the decision be hers as well.

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"How would you... like to go on from now on? Were you only trying to see if I found you desirable? Or-"

"I don't want to impose."

"You won't. Now, please, I'm asking how you feel."

"I wish we could be... together. When we kissed it felt... right. But, most of all, I don't want to lose what we already have."

He closed his eyes and held her closer, stronger. This was the point where he, in any other circumstances, would make his speech about how she would be better off with someone else, but there was no someone else. And, given the situation, she might just be better with him than alone. Or it could simply be wishful thinking, but he wasn't going to dwell on that.

"I don't want to lose that either. But I think we wouldn't, even if we tried to make this... thing work." The note of hope that had insinuated itself into his voice refused to be shaken off. "So... what do you say?"

As the silence stretched on he began to feel he had pushed to far. He was already beginning to backtrack when she spoke.

"I say we try. I say that, if we agree not to lose what we already have, then there's nothing else we can lose."

He said nothing, merely kissing her as way of answering. He had been given a chance he thought he would never have, and he planned on making the most of it. Finally, after some time had passed, he realised how tired she was. It had been many hours since she had meant to go to bed and, from then on, it had been a jumble of emotions, from her adventure in the kitchen until her current situation, she was bound to be exhausted. He got up.

"You should go to sleep now. You need to rest at least twice as much as I needed to eat."

"Ok. But, Severus?"

"Yes?"

She twisted her fingers in her hands, which he had already been trained to recognise as a sign of her being nervous.

"I..." She exhaled softly. "I'm not sure if you know, but Ron and I are... Ron and I were dating."

"Hermione, I wouldn't pretend to try to replace Ron, I-"

"No. That's what I wanted to tell you. Ron was my best friend and I would have done anything for him, but I loved him as a friend. As someone to have a relationship with, I didn't like him half as much as it should have been acceptable. And I didn't like him half as much as I like you. Although, from my math, that would mean I liked you just enough for it to be acceptable and that isn't true, I like you much more."

Severus was dumbstruck. He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He wouldn't know what to say if it had. A detached part of his brain noticed his hand was trembling as it came to rest on the back of her head, pulling her to his chest. Long moments passed before he finally found his voice, although it was little more than a whisper.

"You have absolutely no idea of what you've just given me. All I can offer in return is to say I'd never felt what you made me feel today. What you're still making me feel." What was enhanced a thousand fold by what you've just told me, he left unsaid. Kissing her gently on the forehead, Severus made to leave, only to be stopped yet again by her.

"Severus?" Once more she sounded tense.

"Yes?"

"There are... certain things I'm not yet ready to give. Things I don't know when I'll be ready to. But... if you could just sleep here, with me, tonight?"

She had phrased it as a question, and he could tell she was questioning the wisdom of her request. He crouched back in front of her, taken by an overwhelming desire to protect her.

"I would be honoured to. And I can promise you I'll never ask more of you than what you're ready and willing to give."

---

Sleeping with her ended up revealing itself a trying experience. She had fallen asleep almost immediately but Severus, despite his own exhaustion or perhaps because of it, had remained awake for a long time after that, contemplating what he had been given with her safely ensconced in his arms. He had thought at first that she was kissing him out of loneliness; then he had thought she had agreed to see where their newfound relationship would lead them because there was no one else for her to choose from. He had been comfortable with those assumptions, they had been safe assumptions, but now... now he could find no words to describe the unfamiliar feeling inside his chest. Something between joy and terror, but that didn't quite cover it. The only thing he knew for certain was that he had never felt it before. Hermione stirred and Severus tightened his arms around her in an unconsciously possessive display, placing a soft kiss on her hair. She wanted him. She wanted him. He had done nothing in his life to even remotely deserve her, but she wanted him. And had as good as told him she would still want him if there were other survivors outside. Hermione. His Hermione.

She stirred again, making him painfully aware of her every curve. And, between his legs, the painful part was meant quite literally. Strangely enough, the thought of taking her to bed hadn't even crossed his mind until she had spoken, but now it refused to leave it. Her words hinted that there might be a time when she would want him in the full sense of the word, and that was a mixed blessing. He could hardly recall the last time he had had a willing woman, it had been quite a few years. It was a moment he would both be dreading and looking forward to. He could only hope that, if she decided to do it, he would live up to it.

---

The next few days were divided between extensive searches throughout the castle and massive research on diagnose spells for dark magic. When after what had probably been a fortnight had passed and they were still empty-handed, Hermione suggested they broadened the scope of their search to include other behavioural-altering spells, instead of just dark ones but, every time, they had come up with nothing. It was as if, apart from the anti-apparation barrier, which was still there - it had been one of the very first things they had checked -, there was no more magic in Hogwarts. Now that they ventured outside more often, they were discovering the staircases had stopped moving altogether. They began eating proper food frequently, after having realised that whatever was trying to affect them had considerably less power when they were together. They took turns cooking but were never alone in the kitchen, grateful that at least their food supply seemed to be constantly renewing itself. Nights were spent in comfortable closeness, sometimes trying to get to know a little more about each other. They never slept apart after that first night, and the living room eventually became less crowded when a big bed was changed back into a sofa, and a sofa became a chair once more.