It Was Always You

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Chapter 5: And Dessert

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Remus stared at Sirius' retreating figure and twisted his napkin tightly in his hands, his knuckles whitening as his anger rose.

How dare he walk away from me....

He could feel the blood pulse through his veins and before he knew what he was doing he suddenly stood abruptly, throwing his napkin down on his plate. With only a few steps he strode to the kitchen and forcefully entered the room, startling the other man.

He kicked the door shut behind him and Sirius winced. Remus squared his shoulders, shoving his hands in his pockets, and for a few seconds he just glowered at Sirius' back whilst the wizard tremblingly deposited the crockery into the sink, feeling Remus' gaze bore right through him.

Sirius shifted a little.

"Lots of stories to tell, haven't you?" Remus remarked tightly, his eyes darkening. "You certainly seem to have enjoyed yourself while you were away."

Sirius fidgeted nervously and a cup fell from his hand.

Remus carried on in that same even tone. "Sounds like you'll have plenty of adventures to return to when you leave. Again."

Sirius stiffened slightly and his low voice carried over his shoulder. "You said yourself...things are different now."

"So that's it?"

Sirius' voice was hopeless and he turned slowly to face the other wizard. "What do you want me to do?"

Remus suddenly felt himself start to tremble as he looked into the other man's eyes and saw the pain that resided behind that controlled exterior. He instantly felt his anger slip away and he bit his lip, running a shaky hand through his hair. His words were barely above a whisper when he spoke. "When did things go so wrong with us all those years ago? Why couldn't you have stayed...?" Tears welled in his eyes but he blinked them back fiercely, his voice thickening. "Why couldn't you have talked to me? If - if I did something to upset you, to make you leave, why didn't you just say? We could have worked it out...." A tear trembled under its own weight and ran down his cheek.

"Tell me!" Remus was shouting now, each and every word scraping his throat. "I did something, didn't I...?"

There was a long moment of silence.

"It wasn't you," Sirius finally said hollowly, avoiding the other man's gaze. "It was me...."

"Oh don't give me that!" Remus snapped in frustration, his eyes flashing.

"It's true...."

"What, then? What was it...?" A small part of him was afraid of the answer but he still needed to know. He gazed at the other man questioningly, desperately, but Sirius only shook his head. Unable to speak, Sirius strode towards the door, wanting to leave before he said something that he would regret.

Remus instantly felt his anger rise within him again and his breathing quickened as he lunged towards the door and slammed it before Sirius had a chance to escape. In one swift movement, he drew out his wand and cast a quick silencing spell on the room so that no one else would hear the exchange. He turned to face Sirius and suddenly felt his insides twist as a flame of jealousy ignited in his stomach.

"Was it someone else?" His mouth went dry as Sirius remained silent. "It was, wasn't it?" he said hoarsely.

Sirius only continued to shake his head, and put a foot forward to walk away.

This infuriated Remus and he reached out an arm to grab him. "For God's sake, just tell me! You owe me that - "

Sirius whipped his arm away and whirled around furiously, his own eyes thick with tears.

"Do you really want to know?" His eyes flashed. "Do you?"

Remus shrank back slightly, startled by the look on Sirius' face.

"I left because I was in love with you, damn it!"

Remus instantly froze and he felt as if he had been slapped.

Sirius' expression changed as the tears choked in his throat and he turned away, not wanting to look at the other man. "I was in love with you and it scared me to death."

Remus' mouth dropped open and he stared in shock, his mind whirring frantically at the words.... All the time that they had been together, neither one of them had ever even mentioned it. Love.... After a long moment he swallowed the lump in his throat and whispered hoarsely. "What did you say?"

A long moment passed by, punctuated only by rapid, shallow breathing from both men.

Sirius turned away, his voice thickening. "I was...I am...in love with you."

His chest rose and fell heavily and he resolutely avoided his gaze, not daring to look at Remus. He wiped his hand over his eyes clumsily, not wanting him to see the tears that were threatening to fall.

Remus' throat went dry. He tried to speak but somehow the words just wouldn't come out. A thousand emotions rushed to the surface but all he could think and feel was Sirius. Sirius....

The taller wizard fumbled with his hands as he struggled to speak.

"I - I've never in my life felt the way I did when I was with you...and I was scared. I was so damn scared to feel like that...." He rubbed his eyes wearily. "So I did the only thing I knew how to...." He inhaled shakily and a look of utter shame crossed his features. "I ran."

Remus listened to all this with his heart in his mouth. He shook his head dumbly, words failing him. His lower lip trembled as he faced the other man. "What the hell are trying to do to me? How can you - how can you...." He pressed his palm against his mouth, feeling as though he might be sick. He turned away and leant heavily against the wall, his mind reeling with this sudden confession. Sirius had been in love with him.... In love with him.... He had always thought that this flippant, non-committal man had had no use for such an emotion. He had always been such a smooth, aloof character with no time for something so tedious....

Sirus exhaled heavily. "I - I found that I couldn't live without you...but now I come back to find that your life has no place for me anymore...." He gave Remus a sad smile. "So what else is there for me to do but deal with it? I haven't moved on...but you have. So now it's time for me to...."

Remus shook his head wordlessly. He found himself moving closer to Sirius, looking at him as if he were truly seeing him for the first time. Silent tears streamed down his cheeks but suddenly he didn't care. He stepped slowly towards the wizard, never breaking his gaze.

"No, I haven't...."

Remus moved closer still towards the shaking man, unable to tear his eyes away, each step pulling him deeper and deeper within the magnetic field that had Sirius as its core....

"I haven't...."

Sirius held his breath, hardly daring to look at the man before him. Is Remus really saying these words...? Is he...?

Remus slowly covered the last remaining distance between them until they were mere inches apart and raised a trembling hand. His fingers stroked the other man's cheek tentatively and he felt his knees weaken, unable to break free from the drowning gaze that locked their eyes together. He could remember every contour of the man's face...every line.... Sirius' eyes fluttered shut and his whole body shuddered as Remus continued to trace his fingers lower, over the other man's lips. Remus' breath caught as he felt that rough tongue graze his fingers ever so slightly, his hot breath making him tremble, and all at once he felt himself being pulled closer into his strong arms, Sirius' mouth descending desperately towards his own....

Remus almost gasped aloud. Having wanted this for so long made him almost delirious with desire. The sensation of Sirius' lips pressing against his was more than he thought he could bear. He arched his back reflexively, pushing himself further still against the taller man, fighting for control.

"Sirius...."

He moaned the name over and over again, grasping handfuls of shirt and hair and skin and pressing against him closer, wanting to touch him everywhere. Sirius' musky, intoxicating scent washed over him, bathing him, caressing his skin and dizzying his senses. He hungered for more and captured Sirius' mouth over and over again, opening himself completely. Damn him...he wasn't supposed to taste this good...he wasn't....

He roughly pushed Sirius up against the wall and pulled his collar loose, nuzzling and biting at his neck until Sirius moaned aloud, unable to contain the utter pleasure that he was experiencing.

Sirius' hands slid up Remus' back and he clawed at his shirt, desperately wanting to rip it off so that he could feel his skin beneath. He brought his hands to the other man's chest before creeping lower to run across his stomach and the wizard had to bite his lip to stop himself crying out aloud.

Sirius traced his fingers down the other man's hands and tenderly laced their fingers together, but a mere second later Remus suddenly pulled away from his kiss, startling him, and the taller man dropped his hands to Remus' hips to steady himself, their foreheads resting against each other as they struggled to control their breathing.

"What is it?" Sirius gasped. "What's wrong?"

Remus pulled away and gaped open-mouthed, his ring finger tingling from Sirius' touch. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing?

And without even explaining, he turned and ran, appalled at himself, leaving the bewildered man alone and confused and hurt.

Without even thinking Remus shot through the door and corridor and fumbled with the lock on the front door, the blood coursing through his veins until he felt sure he would burst. He didn't stop running until he reached the street outside. The trembling wizard collapsed against a wall, breathless and confused, his head spinning. His heart thundered against his ribcage and he gasped into his hands.

What have I done?

His whole body felt numb. He repeated the same sentence in his mind over and over again until it lost all meaning.

What the hell have I done?