It Was Always You

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Chapter 2: Meet Me

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Remus felt a bolt of lightning shoot through his body to his fingertips and he shook his head dumbly. This isn't happening....

As he stared into those piercing brown eyes he felt his throat constrict. Remus' mind whirred chaotically. What is he doing here? Why...? How...? He felt his knees weaken and before he knew what was happening he had turned on the spot and was forcing his way across the room, unseeing, unthinking, knowing only that he wanted to get as far away from here as possible.

He didn't see Harry until he ran right into him.

"Remus!" The younger man laughed as they bumped straight into each other, but his face quickly fell as he took in the deathly expression on Remus' face. "God, you look awful - are you OK?"

Remus inhaled shakily. "Fine...." he said hoarsely.

"You don't look fine to - " But Harry's sentence was cut short as his gaze drifted to the commotion at the doorway. His eyes widened. "Sirius!" he beamed. "About time! For a while there I thought he wasn't going to come after all...."

Remus stared at him. "You knew he was coming?" he rasped.

Harry winked at him happily. "It was all hush-hush. He told me not to say anything...wanted it to be a surprise."

I bet he did.

Remus swallowed. So that was why Harry had been acting oddly earlier...he had been waiting to see if he would come. Remus felt his chest tighten and he pushed past Harry roughly. "I need some air...."

"Hey - Remus...?" the younger wizard called after him, a look of concern on his face. But he had already gone.

Seconds later the flustered wizard stepped outside onto the patio at the rear of the building, chest still heaving, and welcomed the cool air as it engulfed him. He collapsed onto a nearby bench and held his head in his hands, trying to make sense of the awful situation. Why is he here? Why did he have to come back? Damn you, Sirius.... His trembling fingers found their way to his neck and he tugged at his shirt, loosening the collar. He inhaled deeply and felt the cold air tear at his lungs. The wizard sat like this for a long while, his mind buzzing with thoughts....

After what could have been minutes or hours, a low cough penetrated the silence and Remus' eyes snapped upwards.

And for the second time that night his heart stopped.

There he was. Right there in front of him. Hands casually in his pockets, shoulders thrown back, charcoal grey suit that rippled softly in the breeze...chin-length hair a mass of dark waves, tousled and slightly damp from the recent drizzle...chiselled features and dark, dark brown eyes that he could just drown into....

Remus gazed at the man and felt his insides twist. Sirius hadn't changed...and yet he had. There was still that familiar gleam in his eyes of laughter and life and mischief, but it was somehow - different. There was less confidence in his gaze, and a slight air of uncertainty about him. He seemed different to the man whom he had seen just moments earlier holding the crowd's attention as if this was his party. Remus noticed a few other minor changes in his appearance, like the slight shadows under his eyes and the way in which his cheeks had hollowed out a little. Truth be told, he had committed his last image of Sirius to memory a lot more accurately than he would like to own up to....

Remus suddenly realised that he had been staring for far too long and dropped his gaze quickly, his cheeks flushing. He raised himself until he was standing. For a few moments the silence hung over them, neither wizard wanting to speak first.

Eventually it was Sirius who cleared his throat. "I asked Harry where you were." His voice only betrayed a little of his nervousness. "He said you came out here to get some air."

"Did he." Remus stood perfectly still. Thanks, Harry.

Sirius' eyes raked involuntarily over Remus' body, and the wizard felt the gaze as if it was a caress. Suddenly Remus felt very uncomfortable.

"I remember that shirt...." Sirius whispered. His eyes narrowed a little wickedly.

Remus blushed slightly and he instinctively moved his hand up towards the collar, bringing the edges of the shirt a little closer together. What an idiot. He should have known better than to wear it. But you didn't know he would be here, did you? an annoying voice taunted.

A sudden wind whipped at Sirius' open collar and it flapped to reveal a little of the man's tanned chest, and Remus felt himself freeze as he stared at the exposed flesh. He knew that just a whisker below lay Sirius' birthmark, a Sickle-sized patch of skin a few shades darker than the rest of his golden complexion. Remus flushed as he remembered the last time that he had seen that mark, and was suddenly glad that the evening was already dark. He drew his eyes away and focussed on the ground instead.

Sirius shoved his hands in his pockets. He cleared his throat once more and his voice dropped a little.

"Remus - "

Suddenly he stopped abruptly as his gaze fell to Remus' left hand. His face paled as his eyes fixed on the silver wedding ring and a torrent of emotions flooded his brain. For a few seconds, they both just stared at the silver band. Remus shifted a little and placed his hands in his pockets as a feeling of uneasiness crept up on him. Sirius swallowed several times, suddenly feeling his throat go dry. He didn't know why he had somehow expected Remus to be single after all this time, but it was a shock to realise that he was married. Married. He dropped his gaze to the ground before speaking softly. "So, who's the lucky - ?"

"Tonks," Remus interrupted quickly. He knew that Sirius had not been about to end the sentence with 'woman'.

Sirius snapped his head upwards. He raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "Nymphadora Tonks?"

Remus set his jaw determinedly. "Yes."

"Good grief, Remus...." he retorted, shaking his head.

Remus stared at him defiantly, a look that said 'I'm married now and you can bloody well deal with it.'

Sirius turned away, a little bitterly. "I always said she had a thing for you...."

"What are doing here?" Remus suddenly barked, and Sirius froze, momentarily taken aback. Remus' skin was prickling uncomfortably and he felt extremely uneasy under the other man's gaze. He just wanted to get out of here, get away....

Sirius arched an eyebrow. "Forgive me if I expected a bit more of a welcome," he replied gruffly.

That touched a nerve, and Remus felt a flare of anger rise in his chest. "Don't give me that! How can you just turn up like this? Out of the blue? Five years, Sirius!"

Remus realised that this was the first time that he had said Sirius' name out loud in nearly half a decade, and it made him ache with a comforting familiarity...but all too soon it awakened memories that he had long kept at the back of his mind. All the pent-up frustration and anger and hurt came rushing to the surface and Remus had to fight with himself to suppress it all. He clenched his fists by his sides and turned around to hide the turmoil that he was sure was evident on his features.

"Why did you come back?" he whispered. "Why now?"

Sirius' expression softened and he opened his mouth to reply - but was cut short by a loud exclamation from a few feet away.

"There you are!" boomed a loud voice. "I knew you were hiding around here somewhere!" Kingsley's exclamation preceded him through the doorway and within seconds he bore down on Sirius and engulfed him. Sirius returned the hug - genuinely happy to see his friend - but he inwardly cursed his timing. The Auror, however, was far too elated to notice and slung his arm around Sirius' shoulder and squeezed him. "Can you believe this, eh?" Kingsley beamed at Remus and nodded to the man beside him. "Turning up like this out of the blue. When's the last time we saw him?"

Remus darted a glance at Sirius. "Five years," he said shortly.

Kingsley shook his head and let out a low whistle. "Has it really been that long? I bet you two have been having a good catch up, eh?" He smiled warmly at the two men, and didn't notice the way in which they avoided each other's gaze.

"So has he been telling you about his travels?" the Auror questioned Remus. "I bet he's broken a few hearts in between." He gave Sirius a sly look. Sirius felt his stomach twist and his mouth went dry. He looked at the ground and felt Remus' eyes on him. He could have punched Kingsley for his tactlessness. But of course, how was Kingsley to know? After all, no one had known.... Sirius swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat.

Feeling almost sick, Remus mumbled something about leaving the two alone to catch up, and without a backward glance he left the patio.

Before Sirius even had a chance to look up, he was gone.

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Much later that night, Remus stared at the ceiling above his bed. He could have been awake for minutes or hours, he really didn't know. He just kept replaying the evening over and over again. He didn't know how he had expected to feel when he saw Sirius again after all those years, but he hadn't expected this.... He felt like he had experienced every emotion known to man in the space of a single moment...the moment when their eyes had met. Surprise, shock, disbelief, anger, hurt, sadness, longing.... He gulped and brought his hand to his eyes as he felt a fresh wave of tears threaten to escape.

Remus vaguely recalled the events of the evening after he had left Sirius and Kingsley. He had pushed his way through the crowd and found an already half-drunk Tonks teetering beside the buffet table. He had told her that he had a terrible headache and that he would be heading back, but she only half-listened and planted a huge kiss on his cheek before wandering off. He had then found Harry and Draco and excused himself, saying that he needed to head back and could they see that Tonks got home alright. Remus sighed as he remembered Harry and Draco's concerned looks. He had hated lying to his friends. But he really couldn't have stayed a moment longer.

The silence of Remus' thoughts was suddenly penetrated by a distant call from the corridor.

"Remus? Where are you, Remus?"

Remus wiped his moist cheeks and turned over, not feeling up to talking.

A few scuffled footsteps later, Tonks stumbled into the bedroom and fumbled for the light switch. After failing to locate it, she gave up and plopped ungracefully onto the bed. She tumbled onto her husband and gave him a suffocating hug.

"I love youuuuuuuuuuu!" Her declaration was muffled by the duvet but Remus was still able to smell the wine on her breath.

Remus groaned and muttered at his wife.

"You're drunk."

"No!" the witch protested. "No, no, no no nonononnonooooooo." Tonks waggled her head energetically from side to side. "I am absolutely, positiv- posit- posivit-" She giggled and hiccoughed loudly.

Remus closed his eyes and sighed. He really wasn't in the mood for this. He knew that he should really help his wife get changed and put her to bed, but the only person he could think about was....

Moments later Tonks' head fell to the pillow with a soft thump.

He was still awake long after her soft snores filled the room.

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The next few days passed by in a blur to Remus. He awoke each morning, went to work, returned home, ate and slept. He was aware of his colleagues' presence during his working hours and aware of Tonks when he was at home, but somehow he felt as if he was separate from them. Just going through the motions...not really functioning on the same plane.

Tonks noticed her husband being more quiet than usual since the party and, if she was honest with herself, she knew deep down why he was behaving like this. She also knew that she should just talk to him about it...but somehow she couldn't bring herself to. Instead she tried to snap him out of it by talking a bit louder and more animatedly than usual, and by trying to but each attempt fell on deaf ears. He either didn't notice or didn't seem to care. It was on one such occasion that Tonks dragged Remus along to Diagon Alley, to try and elevate his subdued mood. After an hour and a half of flitting in and out of the various shops, they approached the entrance of Madam Malkin's.

Remus arrived at the door first, and when he saw who was inside his mouth instantly went dry. He turned abruptly, blocking Tonks' view. "Let's go this way - "

"No, I need to pick up my robes," she protested.

Remus' eyes darted wildly and he felt his stomach drop into his boots. "We can get them later, let's go this way first - " He grasped her arm tightly and tried to spin her around to face the opposite direction.

"What's the matter with you? It'll only take a second." She pushed past him and strode through the doorway. "Oh, Sirius! Harry! How are you? " She walked straight up to the pair and exchanged smiles and kisses. "What are you up to?"

The rest of the exchange was muffled to Remus' ears as he stubbornly remained outside, hidden from view.

"Come on, Remus," she called. "What are you doing out there?"

Remus had no choice but to join them. He entered the shop. Harry was standing patiently whilst Madam Malkin busily worked round him with a tape measure. Sirius stood beside him.

"Harry," Remus said, smiling at the younger man. His eyes flicked to the taller wizard beside him. "Sirius," he acknowledged tightly.

Tonks rolled her eyes in his direction. "Oh don't mind him, he's been grumpy all morning." Remus felt a flicker of annoyance but remained silent. She turned to Harry. "I hope you're not expecting it to be all sunshine and smiles after you've been married for a while," she teased. "Be prepared for when Draco turns into a grump like this one," she added, indicating her husband. Remus shifted a little, a tiny flare of anger rising in his chest. Did she have to embarrass him like this?

Harry turned to the sullen man and smiled. "Sirius and I thought we'd spend the day together and catch up, after I get fitted for the ceremonial robes. Are you feeling better?"

"Better?" Remus frowned slightly, not sure what Harry was talking about.

"Remember, you had a terrible headache that night. You said that's why you had to leave the party early. Were you coming down with something? You looked as white as a sheet."

All eyes turned to Remus and he felt his cheeks redden under the gaze. He gritted his teeth and forced a smile. "I'm fine. I just needed to sleep it off. Thanks." Dammit. Sirius was probably loving this, finding out that Remus had been so affected by his arrival that he had had to leave the party. He wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

Tonks then hit Harry with a stream of questions about the upcoming wedding. Remus immediately felt Sirius' gaze rest on him but the wizard resolutely avoided his eyes.

After a few more minutes, Madam Malkin finished with the tape measure. "That'll do for now, but if you want to step this way I'll show you the material that your fiancé picked out," she beamed. "Draco, isn't it? she inquired. "Charming man." Harry stifled a grin. Madam Malkin had been rather taken with the blonde when they had come into the shop together the previous week. Tonks followed the two to the back of the shop, eager to have a glimpse, leaving Sirius and Remus standing alone.

Remus felt the room suddenly rise in temperature and quickly sidestepped Sirius in an attempt to leave - but was stopped by a strong hand on his arm. "Remus - "

Remus bit his lip. Sirius was standing so close that he could feel his warm breath on his ear and it was starting to make him feel a little dizzy. That familiar musky scent washed over him and it was all he could do to stop himself gasping aloud. The hand on his arm tightened slightly.

"Don't," Remus protested softly in a strangled voice, pulling his arm away.

"Wait, please...."

Remus exhaled shakily. "What? What do you want?" It came out a bit harsher than he had meant and he bit his lip, regretting his coldness.

Sirius immediately dropped his hand and nervously studied the ground. "I just - can I see you?"

Remus looked at him incredulously and his eyes darted to Tonks and Harry, who were standing within earshot. He lowered his voice to a whisper. "I can't! I can't - you know I can't...."

"Please - "

Remus resolutely shook his head.

"Tomorrow? Please, Remus...."

Damn those eyes.

"I'm busy tomorrow," he said lamely, knowing full well that he wasn't.

"The day after, then."

No. No no no no. This was madness. Every fibre in Remus' body was screaming at him to refuse. He knew he couldn't meet him, and he opened his mouth fully intending to say so....

"Alright."

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