Exitus Acta Probat

After the Department of Mysteries fiasco, Hermione thinks things can't get much worse. After a triple attack by the Death Eaters on Diagon Alley, St. Mungo's, and The Ministry of Magic, our sadly depleted gang of heroes returns to Hogwarts, and make some rash decisions regarding the wizarding world's future. Includes Snape growing an Afro, Lupin going Trick-or-Treating, cariacature drawing, origami mischief, Top-Ten lists for pleasing the Dark Lord, Tom Riddle, Time-Travel, (no time-turners!!) Slytherins that aren't evil, betrayal, death, angst, and some comedy thrown in for good measure.

Hermione, Harry, Lupin and Snape conduct a meeting of the Order with some new and unexpectated faces. Bickering and snickering ensues. Snape sports an Afro, Madam Pince hunts origami miscreants, Lupin and Snape draw cariacatures, Hermione hops around a lot, Harry runs like the wind, and a disturbing sight from the front lawn greets the Hogwarts' population.

Hermione, Harry, and Lupin deal with the aftermath of the ritualistic mass murders of the Slytherins. Spies Flint and Pucey fill in some gaps, and Hermione pays a visit to the Ministry. Meanwhile, Voldemort meets a Hogwarts student eager to pledge her life to the Dark Lord. We find out what happened to Ginny, and Harry receives a mysterious package. Includes Black Widow spiders, manacles, House-elves with purple mohawks, Harry/Lupin bonding, Hermione attempting (and failing) to control her hair, inept Ministry workers, Percy and Hermione discussing the pros and cons of senseless bloodbaths, and Harry being fascinated with dirty socks.

We find out what was in that box Percy and Hermione opened; Snape makes an appearance, as does Blaise Zabini. Secretive notes and prophetic dreams that speak in riddles haunt our heroes. Hermione nags Harry a lot, and gets shoved into a bowl of mashed potatoes for her troubles. Harry receives unexpected and unwanted news, and Madam Pomfrey houses a bizarre secret.

Hermione, Harry, and Zabini race to the rescue of the Slytherins, only to encounter obstacle after obstacle. Meanwhile, the other houses are under attack from students who are secretly Death Eaters in their midst. (Hey, and why can't anyone find a teacher when you need one?) Millicent Bulstrode busts some balls, (literally) Hagrid does the funky chicken, Zabini and Harry spend a lot of time sprawled on their arses, and cold-blooded murders are committed left and right. And what's this about Justin and Ernie secretly shagging in the Hufflepuff sixth year Boys' Dormitory?!

Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs to the rescue! Or... not? Hermione, Harry, and Zabini join with Filch and the Slytherins to rescue the Gryffindors. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, a group of Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws have already gone ahead to help. Katie Bell and Padma Patil attempt to stop the junior Death Eaters who have infiltrated Hogwarts. Harry's hair continues to be out of control, Zabini cops a feel, and Hermione reaps the benefits of being out of shape.

Hogwarts' bloody battle conducted by the student Death eater spies concludes; but at what cost? Harry and Hermione visit Percy and the twins in Hogsmeade. The Dursleys, Pucey, Oliver Wood, and a certain French tart cameo, and Hermione takes a glimpse into the memories of a Hogwart's alum. Hermione is forced to ask an embarrassing favor from Zabini, Tom Riddle finally makes his appearance, the Wonder Twins talk strategy, and Rodolphus Lestrange is forced into babysitting the Dark Lord's wife.

After shocking Zabini with her request, Hermione explains more about why she needs his help, and what that entails. We find out who sent Harry Ginny’s diary, and why. Parvati and Malcolm Baddock are punished by the Lestranges in the Dark lord’s dungeon. Madam Pince throws a wobbly, and Snape barely manages to avoid passing out.

Hermione’s and Harry’s deception in regards to Ginny is ruined when Pucey and Flint show up to an Order meeting with news about the youngest Weasley. Blaise and Hermione come to a new understanding in their relationship, when Hermione realizes her own death could be fast approaching. The gang gives our heroine advice on seduction, and Hermione attempts a dangerous spell.

After completing her spell, Hermione travels back to Hogwarts, 1943. There she encounters Igneus Malfoy, the surprisingly un-Malfoy Head Boy, and a senile Headmaster, Armando Dippet. Hermione puts her plan against Tom Riddle in motion.

Hermione has her first real encounter with Tom Riddle, and an odd, disturbing Potions Master. Professor Dumbledore suspects the mysterious new Gryffindor girl with the bushy hair, and Blaise, Byron, Chris, Kyle, and Crabbe suffer from the aftereffects of a night of binge drinking. The Black sisters and Rodolphus Lestrange hear news from Lord Voldemort about the spies in their midst.

Hermione learns of a disturbing organization devoted to worshipping Tom Riddle, and is accused of being a member. Igneus Malfoy shows up to further complicate matters.

Hermione almost causes a schoolwide scandal when she gives back Tom Riddle his robe in front of the rest of the school. Subsequent tears, death threats, and broken hearts from the female and gay male populations are had. Professor Kettleburn makes an appearance as a slightly more comptent version of Hagrid. Hagrid himself is finally spotted by Hermione, and our heroine makes new enemies in the Slytherin snob squad.

Voldemort and his bitchy trio of minions discuss battle tactics, while Blaise throws a Harry-sized tantrum. Snape pulls his patented swooping-bat-of-doom routine, and a disturbing ritual takes place in the past.