Subservience

Chapter Two: Ambrosia

I stared at the wall blankly as I often did nowadays. I knew it by memory now: every scratch, every irregularity, and every cobweb that covered its surface. If I tried hard enough to concentrate on something else, the voices seemed slightly fainter, but still, they were always audible. They always did that: they dimmed down for what seemed like a moment of hope and respite before mounting back into its apex of screeching.

I closed my eyes, wishing it would all just go away, wishing for ignorance, wishing for death, wishing for bliss. The voices were louder now. I opened my eyes slightly. The Dementors were here.

"Enervate," murmured a cold voice beside me. My eyes fluttered open to see a dark stone corridor. "It's time for your trial," said the wizard who had revived me. I glanced at him; his face was an oblong sort of shape and his eyes were murky brown, though somewhat overshadowed by his bushy eyebrows (which were linked in the middle).

"Trial?"

The wizard looked at me impatiently. "Yes, your trial, Potter. You couldn't have possibly thought that you'd have been able to get away with the murder of Albus Dumbledore, now did you?"

Murder? What was he talking about? Then, the memories all came tumbling back. Dumbledore was dead. And he was dead because of me; if I only had been a bit faster...If only I didn't let my doubts hold me back, I would have been there and been able to save him...But...but, this person thought that I had killed Dumbledore. He thought that I had actually murdered Dumbledore...

We walked together in silence. A sudden cold enveloped me. Dementors. Two dementors glided along and stopped. The wizard who had been accompanying me immediately backed away.

Despair. Voices wailed mournfully in my head. Screams; someone was screaming.

The dementors' scabbed grey hands reached out and enclosed my arms in their cold grasps. Despair. It was everywhere. It was tangible. I could feel it all around me. Flashes of past moments whirled through my head.

Laughter. Cold, high, laughter. Laughter that was as cold as death. I shivered as it rang in my mind. An image began to form; a white face, stretched tightly over a visible skull; thin lipless mouths; those spidery fingers; eyes, eyes the colour of crimson blood, with slits for pupils.

Avada Kedavra.

I was jolted unpleasantly to the future as I was seated into a chair that stood in the middle of a large square-ish room. Chains snapped tightly around my wrist and closed. The dementors glided out of the room. My mind cleared instantly and I looked around. I recognized the surroundings instantly as Courtroom Ten - the place where my hearing in my fifth year had taken place. As before, drab stone benches surrounded the room at various levels; on them, the plum-garbed Wizengamot sat, the robes giving an impression of forced cheerfulness in contrast to the monochromatic colours of the rest of the courtroom.

"The accused being present, let us begin," said Fudge. "Are you ready?"

Percy, who was seated a few benches down, nodded. "The trial on the twenty-seventh of July," said Fudge, (Percy scribbled it all down) "for the use of the killing curse on a fellow human and the murder of Albus Dumbledore by Harry James Potter."

"Interrogators: Cornelius Oswald Fudge, Minister of Magic; Amelia Susan Bones, Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, Jonathan Roderick Morris, Head Auror. Court Scribe: Percy Ignatius Weasley. Witnesses for the Defense: Hermione Daniela Granger and Ronald Argyle Weasley."

They were here! I glanced over and saw Ron and Hermione standing there wearing plain black robes which I recognized as their Hogwarts uniforms. My heart gave a joyous leap. Ron and Hermione didn't believe all the rumours. They still believed me! They were willing to stand up for me!

Ron and Hermione sat down in the two chairs that had been placed beside my chair. Hermione shot a reassuring smile towards me which I gladly returned.

So now, the charges," announced Fudge's blustery voice. "The charges against the accused are as follows: Harry Potter knowingly, deliberately, and in full awareness of the illegality of his actions cast a killing curse (being one of the three Unforgivable Curses whose casting on a fellow human being results in lifetime imprisonment in Azkaban Prison) on Albus Dumbledore with the intention of killing him on the first of July at forty-three minutes past two in the morning."

I could feel my nerves beginning to stir within my stomach. I had just realized the seriousness of the situation. If the Wizengamot decided I was guilty then...then...then I would be sent to Azkaban for life. I would be sent to a place where I would be constantly surrounded by Dementors. My stomach did a somersault.

"You are Harry James Potter?"

"Yes."

"You are fully aware of the consequences of using an Unforgivable Curse?"

"Yes."

Were you in the bedroom of Albus Dumbledore on the first of July at forty-three minutes past two in the morning?"

"Yes, but I was only there because - "

"And you cast the killing curse on your headmaster?"

"NO! I didn't, I - "

"You are aware of the value of Albus Dumbledore to the Wizarding World?"

"Yes. But I didn't kill - "

"If you didn't kill him, what were you doing there?" asked Madam Bones.

"I - I see things..."

"So, you're saying you're a seer?"

"NO! I have - "

"You have what?"

"I..." I trailed off. I couldn't tell the Ministry about my dreams.

"What?" I searched for the present Order members. They turned their faces away as I looked at them. Finally, my eyes landed on the Dementors and the cold pit that had appeared in my stomach intensified. "I...I have a connection with Voldemort."

Everyone winced.

"You have a connection to You-Know-Who as a Death Eater?"

"NO! I'M NOT A DEATH EATER- "

"Then you are an independent dark wizard?"

"What? NO! Please, let me speak!"

"Very well," said Madam Bones. Fudge stood up in protest but sat down again after a pointed look from Madam Bones.

I took a deep breath."I am not a dark wizard. It's just that when Voldemort -" Everyone winced. "It's just that when You-Know-Who attacked me when I was a year old, the failed curse created a connection and once in a while, I see something that's happening through his mind and - and I saw Vol - You-Know-Who plotting to kill Dumbledore. He found out about one of the secret passages that lead into Hogwarts and he sent Bellatrix Lestrange, one of his most trusted Death Eaters, to sneak into the castle to kill Dumbledore. After I saw it, I ran to Dumbledore's office to stop her, but I was too late."

Derisive snorts could be heard around the room.

"Er, can I say something?" asked Ron nervously. Everyone in the courtroom turned to look at Ron. "It's true that Harry has these visions," said Ron. "They've been happening since fourth year. I - I can prove it. All the boys who were in our Dormitory - me, Neville Longbottom, Dean Thomas, and Seamus Finnigan - have witnessed these visions."

"This still does not explain how Potter was found unconscious in the place where Dumbledore was killed holding a wand that last performed the killing curse," replied Fudge curtly.

"I can explain. Lestrange-" I said, but I was interrupted once again; this time, by Hermione.

Hermione stepped forward and said defiantly, "We believe that Harry's innocent, but I'm sure that no matter how many times, he tells you, you won't believe him. So..." she said. "I think we should give him a chance to testify under Veritaserum," said Hermione.

Thank God for Hermione. I could tell the truth under Veritaserum and then everyone would believe me! It was so simple! And then, I could go home and not have to worry about any of this! My stomach jumped back up from the pit it had fallen into; I wasn't going to Azkaban...

Fudge stared at Hermione. "Er...if...yes..., I suppose we could question P-Potter under Veritaserum...But Potter has to agree to it." He turned to me. "Do you?"

"Yes!"

"Very well; Amelia - Madam Bones, will you please fetch a vial of Veritaserum from the storeroom?" Madam Bones got up and headed out of the room. "I suppose we'll have a short break then."

The next few moments stretched into eternity. The eyes of the Wizengamot burned into my accusingly. I saw hatred; I could feel their hatred. Only Ron and Hermione believed me, and somehow, that was enough for me.

Madam Bones had come back, holding a vial of clear liquid.

"So, we'll proceed with the trial now. Amelia, will you administer the Veritaserum?"

A small nod.

I gazed at the Veritaserum. It really was odd; from the first glance the potion appeared completely transparent, but after examining it some more, I saw that it actually distorted the images beyond the vial that seemed to be constantly swirling around: a glint of dull grey, flashes of plum, a momentary sheen of blue. And yet...it still seemed clear...

Madam Bones uncorked the vial and leaned forward. I opened my mouth and she dribbled three drops into my mouth. Immediately, I felt my mind being probed by the potion; it felt like my mind was being stripped down to nothing and put back together messily. I tried to create a blank wall to defend my thoughts but the potion pummeled right through it.

"What is your name?" asked Fudge.

"Harry James Potter," answered a distant voice. I was vaguely aware of my lips moving. I had no control over my voice.

"You were present at the scene of the murder of Albus Dumbledore?"

"Yes."

"Did you indeed cast the killing curse with the wand found in your hand?"

"Yes."

My mind sluggishly processed the two gasps emitting from Ron and Hermione.

"Did you kill Albus Dumbledore with the killing curse with no outside influence?"

"Yes."

Hermione was crying.

Madam Bones stared at me intently. "Just for the record, why did you turn?"

"I turned because...because...I...no...NO...NO! I - I didn't!!!" My mind was clearing slowly.

"I think that's enough," said Fudge, "The Veritaserum is wearing off but I think we've heard everything necessary."

The cobwebs that had infested my mind seemed to dissipate...NO! WHAT HAD I SAID?! I DIDN'T!!! Why did I say that?...I didn't...I didn't do it...And yet, I had condemned myself to Azkaban...

"Now I ask the jury," Fudge said, "to raise their hands if they believe that Harry Potter deserves to be sent to Azkaban Prison for life for the murder of Albus Dumbledore."

"Please..." I begged pathetically, "I didn't do it!!! I'd never!!! Please...Listen..." Tears ran down my face freely.

In unison, the Wizengamot raised their hands.

"NO! I'M INNOCENT!!! I DIDN'T DO IT!!!" I shouted desperately. "PLEASE!!!"

The Dementors came back. A look of grim satisfaction adorned Fudge's face, "Take him away!"

"I DIDN'T DO IT!!! PLEASE!!! YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME!!!"

"I can't believe you! ...Why?! He never...I hate you...He was..." said Hermione, nearly at a loss for words. "Dumbledore!"

Ron looked at me with a surprising blankness. "You killed him."

"Ron...Hermione, I didn't..."

"You killed him," repeated Ron.

"You know I didn't."

"It's all your fault, Harry. You can't change it. You bloody killed him."

I looked at them pleadingly.

"I hate you," said Hermione.

*

"I am innocent," I said weakly as Epp hurtled insults at me. He ignored me as usual and continued his verbal onslaught. I had to shut out his words. They were only words, as I often reminded myself. I closed my eyes as I had done many times before and tried to empty my mind of all emotion. I wouldn't let Epp get to me again. But still, I could hear him.

"Your parents must be turning in their graves," he said suddenly. I felt a spasm of anger pass over my face. Only words...They can't hurt me...But, Epp had seen my anger and smiled gleefully. "Your parents died for you and look how you turned out." I bit my lip to stop myself from launching myself at Epp. I regained control.

"I'm innocent."

"I believe you," he replied lazily and without a backward glance, sauntered away.

"I am innocent." But as he left...I began to doubt it. Was I really innocent? I had repeated the phrase so many times and it had become somewhat of a lifeline for me. But was it really true? I knew I believed it completely at the beginning...But really...My memories had begun to blur. With the happy ones gone, they appeared fragmented and incomplete - flawed. Reality had blended together with the thoughts I had. I was forgetting and to make up for that my brain seemed to be inserting its own reality to make up for that. I didn't know what was true and what had never actually happened. After all, I could remember confessing under Veritaserum...But...

I had no proof that I didn't kill him...

It's all your fault, echoed Ron's voice.

Maybe...

It's all your fault.

It was my fault...all my fault...

I can't believe you!

I had no recollection of killing him...but with so many memories gone...What if it was happy? What if I had enjoyed it?! I thought, horrified.

It's all your fault.

I killed him...

It's all your fault.

I buried my head in my hands.

*

Avada Kedavra.

Sirius ducked Bellatrix's jet of red light; he was laughing at her.

"Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room.

The second jet of light hit him squarely in the chest.

The laughter had not quite died from his face, but his eyes widened in shock.

It seemed to take Sirius an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch.

A look of mingled fear and surprise was on Sirius' wasted, once handsome face as he fell through the ancient doorway and disappeared behind the veil, which fluttered for a moment as though in a high wind, then fell back into place.

Lupin's voice, "There's nothing you can do, Harry...nothing...he's gone."

*

Time trickled slowly past. Thousands of waves swelled and receded. I was growing weaker.

The Dementors were gone for now. The voices were quieter: diminished. I wished they would just stop. I wished I could just stop. I wished I never existed. I screamed. I wished it could all end. I wished it could all go away. I was losing my mind - I knew it. Already, everything seemed so confusing. One thought blurring with the next. I was waiting.

I gazed at the ceiling. I listened to my ragged breathing. I counted the waves. Minutes passed. Hours passed. I grew quiet.

Then...

I felt my eyes slide out of focus. And yet...yet...I could still see clearly...

I felt a sudden bout of lightheadedness...I felt disconnected from my body... I was floating. This must be how it feels like to die...

I wasn't in my body. I could see myself down there staring up, and yet, I wasn't there. I was floating....floating above my body. I raised my hand and was amazed to see that my real hand on my body moved too.

I felt like I was free. But I was alive and still at Azkaban.

But...I felt warm. Warm...I hadn't experienced that sensation since...since...I couldn't remember the last time I experienced warmth...

My mind began to clear.

Golden glimmers began to appear in the air around me. They clustered around in little whorls, moving merrily, always moving...and yet...they were still. No...they weren't still, they were just there...I gasped; they were alive....

My mind was clearer than it had been in a long time. All my insecurities fell away and I saw the truth standing there, exposed. I was innocent. I didn't kill Dumbledore....It was Lestrange...I was innocent....I was innocent! I WAS INNOCENT!! Joy welled up inside me and I felt like I was going to explode from the sheer happiness I felt...I WAS INNOCENT!!! IT HAD NEVER BEEN MY FAULT!! My memories had come back, and I could see each one clearly in my mind...

I stood up (my body got up off the ground) and with no morsel of self-control I shouted, "I AM INNOCENT!!!" I knew it was true...It was true...The scenes of my innocence played in my head in a happy refrain. It had never been my fault...I didn't betray them...I knew it was true....It was all true...I was really innocent...I was innocent...I felt clean...innocent....I was really innocent...I WAS REALLY INNOCENT!!! I collapsed on the filthy ground, tears of joy trickled down in rivulets...I sobbed....I laughed...

The golden sparks that had been previously somewhat still erupted in a spirited dance...whirling...they were revolving in happy circles...They were so alive...as I was...I was alive and INNOCENT!

Slowly, my euphoria ebbed away but I was still happy...Not happy...content...A cozy ball of satisfaction sat in the pit of my stomach, warming me from the inside...Just to know it had never been my fault nearly justified all that had happened, just to know that at least one person (myself) knew that it had never been my fault meant that there was still a chance I could be proved innocent...Now, there was hope.

Yet. Yet...My face fell...Hermione and Ron had believed what I had said under the Veritaserum...Everyone had believed what I had said under the Veritaserum. They had betrayed me with no further investigation. They had been willing to trust the fate of my life to a vial of Veritaserum which like any potion could have been altered...Anger...I felt anger....I remember how close we once were - the invincible Trio. There had always been an unspoken promise to always stick together...They had turned their back on me as had the rest of the wizarding world...They had condemned me to a lifetime in Hell. Red-hot anger rushed through me like a wave, sweeping away my previous happiness. They hadn't stood by me; hadn't investigated further!!! They had left me rotting....

And I was innocent...I didn't deserve this...I never deserved any of it.

An ear-splitting crash of a wave interrupted my thoughts and I realized I was sinking back towards my body...I had re-entered it...Cold suddenly smothered me...cold...so-cold....My mind felt muffled...as though there was something blocking me from thinking clearly...

But I knew enough from the brief moment of sanity I had experienced...I was innocent and...and Ron and Hermione didn't believe me.......

I remembered.

And I still knew.

I was innocent...But, a nasty voice in my head added, Ron and Hermione weren't. It truly bothered me for a reason unknown. It was just that...it was them...Ron and Hermione who had always stood by me...It was just the fact that they would condemn me without concrete evidence.

I felt joy at being innocent. But really, beneath it all, I felt anger.

And I would remember my innocence...and...their betrayal for the rest of the time I spent at Azkaban.

I would never forget.

*

Time passed. I counted the scratches that I had drawn on the wall since the first day I had been put in the prison...More or less a year and a half...

I came close to returning to insanity once more. But that feeling...that freedom had returned once. The gold sparkles had come back and my mind felt clear again...

And like I promised so long ago, I hadn't forgotten. I still had hope - hope, that I would one day get out of the hell that was Azkaban and convince the world that I was innocent...No, I thought, not the world....I would one day prove to Ron and Hermione that they had been wrong to ever doubt me. And then...then...I would turn my back on them as they had done to me.

The thought fueled me. It gave me a reason to live.