Subservience

Chapter One: Permafrost

I shivered and pulled my robes closer to my body, hoping to salvage some bit of warmth. Futile. I breathed on my hands, but found the tiny heat of my breath dissipated before it could reach my hands. I tried again, putting my hands closer to my mouth. Again, it didn't work.

The cold was all-consuming. It chilled through everything until it rested in my very heart. And it was always there, the frost creeping deeper into my soul until I was so weighted with it, I was numb with it.

And it was so silent too...It rested like a muffling blanket over the prison so that each tiny scuttle of noise rasped sharply against my ears.

A scream punctuated the silence - my scream. It echoed briefly in the cavernous halls, before subtly disappearing. The silence reigned again. I hated the quiet, but what came next was worse. The voices had returned. They were faint at first - words were barely distinguishable. But they grew louder; they always did. They became shrill and accusing. I squeezed my eyes shut. Tears escaped. I screamed again to try to overwhelm the voices. But the voices conquered in the end.

How could you?! Screams...This can't be true...

The voices had reached their apex. They were so loud...so dizzying now...I shuddered and hoped for the darkness to come faster. The voices were so loud now that I could not feel anything else.

And finally, they were quieting, as my body and my mind slumped, finally defeated by the pummelling voices. The darkness was coming.

A cold shock hit my face and even the refuge of the unconscious was denied. "Potter." I felt the man get closer until I could feel his breath on my face. I groaned softly. It was Epp, the Azkaban guard who had assigned himself to tormenting me. "Do you know how pathetic you look?" I cranked open my eyelids and forced myself to look at Epp's bitter face. "My, my, see how far we've fallen...." he said. " The-Boy-Who-Lived is snivelling in an Azkaban cell." I crawled to my knees and stood up, leaning on the bars heavily for support. "No one is going to help you now. And you're crazy too! You're absolutely mad. Look at the wee ghosties!" he mocked pointing at a random space in front of him.

The voices were coming back and I slumped back down.

"You always thought you were better than everyone else, didn't you?" asked Epp.

This can't be true! Harry...You couldn't have...Dumbledore! I won't believe it...

"Look where that got you, eh, Potter?"

Gasps...Did you really? Yes. How could you...?

"Scum like you will always get what they deserve."

I can't believe you! ...Why?! He never...I hate you...He was...I hate you...Why did you betray us? ...It's your fault.

"You killed him."

I covered my eyes and started crying. I couldn't take it. "Please," I croaked out weakly. "Stop." Have mercy."

"Why should I - how many have you killed, Potter? Did you give them mercy?"

"I'm innocent," I whispered.

I hate you Harry...I don't see how you could have done this to him, but, you have, Harry. You did it, and it was all your fault....I have to hate you.

"I'm innocent," taunted Epp.

"I can't take this anymore..." I said.

"Did you ever think you could just back out of it?" asked Epp. "You're going to be in Azkaban for the rest of your life."

I hate you.

Each of the voices snapped at my heart painfully - past and present.

Epp finally left. I let out a sigh of relief. Maybe, I shouldn't have.

I could now hear the gentle rustling of the dementors' robes as they approached. The voices were louder now. The dementors were closer. Louder. The dementors were right outside my cell. Unbearably loud.

I fell...

"Ron, you know for Potions, Snape said that the Confundus Concoction had a blue sheen to it? Ron? Hello?"

"Oh," said Ron, blinking. "Yeah, something about Sue and yeah..."

"Oh Ron, wake up!" said Hermione, smacking him lightly.

"Whatchoo do that for?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. 'I find it very odd that the Confundus Concoction has a blue sheen as there isn't actually anything in the potion that is remotely blue...Unless...maybe it's a chemical reaction between the Bolivian caterpillars and the aster roots! But then...Ron, pay attention! The NEWTs are in exactly 17 days and 8 hours!!! I can't go take the test when I don't know what causes the blue in the concoction!!! Oh...I just remembered; what about the monarch butterfly wings...that would counteract the aster roots...Ron!!!"

"Yeah, monster butterflies and the Easter rats..."

"Ron, you're not listening!"

I came in with a soft, "Hi."

Hermione immediately shut up. "Hi, Harry."

A pregnant silence filled up the Gryffindor common room. And all the other students who had been doing their homework, playing chess, or in some cases, wreaking havoc turned to watch the unfurling drama.

Ron suddenly decided to wake up. "Why'd you stop talking, Herm?" He then saw me. "Oh...hi, Harry."

I obviously wasn't wanted. I went up to my prefect room and left the fledgling couple behind. As soon as I was gone, the chattering resumed. I lay down on my bed and started reading the book I had started yesterday: Advanced Curses: A Guide to Mastering the Most Difficult of the Difficult. It seemed like reading was the only thing I ever did anymore.

At the beginning of sixth year, everyone started hero-worshipping me. Well...everyone except Ron and Hermione and a couple of members of DA. I was afraid I let my temper get the best of me and I hexed a couple of my 'fans'. I think they go the idea after that.

And Ron and Hermione...Well, they found themselves snogging one Valentines Day. They didn't want it to be 'weird' or anything so they continued snogging in secret. Of course, I did find them one day in a broom closet. Finally, they began avoiding me so they could have more time alone. Our legendary friendship fell apart at the seams. None of us admitted it. We all pretended it was alright...

Things were getting worse in the outside world. Voldemort's presence was becoming more and more defined. Every day people would die in an insolvable pattern. The Order, who still kept secrets from me, was slowly falling apart. Ever since one of the new recruits was discovered to be passing on information to Voldemort, they had been subdued. He knew the full prophecy now, and it was only a matter of time before we had to face again.

Driven by this combination of loneliness, responsibility, inevitability, and I admitted, fear, I dove into my studies. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, in the end it would come to me to destroy Voldemort - or to die. I had dropped all my electives and was only taking the core subjects so I had more time to practice. I completed my essays haphazardly but performed the practical aspects brilliantly. I continued taking Occlumency with Snape and began duelling lessons with Dumbledore. At one point I knew more spells than Hermione.

People were scared of me after I successfully sent the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor to the Hospital Wing during a duelling demonstration. They avoided me like the plague. Only Ron and Hermione kept a tentative friendship with me.

I hated it.

I gasped, finally awaking from my trance. I breathed, listening as my breath slowly evened out into a steady sigh. It was amazing how much worse things were now...

The Dementors came again...

The world appeared blurred and multiplied...I was hanging upside down....I was a fly...I was viewing the world in many red-tinged facets. I looked around and caught distorted images of a dark, imposing room. In the midst of it, there were a couple of fuzzy people...I flew down and settled down on the pointed hat of one of the wizards. I looked around once again and saw the snake-like face of Voldemort. A flash of pain shot across my forehead...I was on the hat of a death eater.

"My lord, why have you summoned us here today?" asked a throaty voice behind me.

Voldemort turned around. "Normally, I would punish such impudence..."The death eaters shrunk back. "Normally, I would, but not tonight...Tonight, something great will happen; something that will strike a terrible blow to those weak-minded wizards that dare oppose me..." The unspoken question sat pregnant in the tense air of the room. I could feel his happiness. "Tonight, Albus Dumbledore will die."

My mind raced.

"How?" asked another death eater whose voice I recognized as Lucius Malfoy.

"At this very moment, Bellatrix Lestrange is in Hogwarts and heading towards the office of the headmaster. In the past, the heavy sensory charms around Dumbledore's office would have prevented such an attempt, but Wormtail has discovered a cloaking device, I suppose you could call it. It shields all signs of life - therefore the wards cannot detect whoever is under it. Once Lestrange gets in, it is a simple matter of an Avada Kedavra and the so-called greatest wizard of Modern Times lies dead in his sleep."

A large hand moved to swat me.

Just before it hit me, I woke up, panting, with my scar burning. Voldemort's happiness still seeped into me and I felt cheered. It was a vision. Dumbledore was about to die ...Dumbledore was about to die. It hit me: Dumbledore was about to die.

I pulled my wand from out from under my pillow, ripped away the curtains of my four-poster, and ran away from Gryffindor Tower. Dumbledore was about to die...My footfalls echoed loudly on the empty corridors. I leaped over stairs, dodged statues, ignored passing paintings, and ran flat out. Dumbledore was about to die...I couldn't be too late...

I reached the ugly gargoyle that guarded his office. "Licorice wands." I sprinted up the flight of stairs to Dumbledore's office. I couldn't be too late...Oh shit, oh shit...Where the bloody hell did Dumbledore sleep?! I couldn't be too late...A soft trill punctuated my panicking thoughts. I looked up and saw Fawkes looking at a portrait of one of the previous headmasters. Without hesitation, I ran towards it and pushed it open, ignoring the startled cries of the man featured on it.

I couldn't be too late...

I faded briefly in reality, but the dementors forced me back. They loved this...

It was all happening too fast...I wouldn't be able to make it. I saw Dumbledore asleep, his face covered with a baby blue sleeping cap, on a four poster bed similar to the ones in the Gryffindor Dorms. Above him was Bellatrix Lestrange wielding a wand, her mouth open.

"Avada - "

"NO!" I leaped forward to stop the castor.

"Kedavra!"

I managed to push her aside.

But the spell had already been completed. Albus Dumbledore lay dead on his back. He was dead. I was too late.

I turned and tackled and pinned Bellatrix Lestrange to the floor. Anger rose uncontrollably. My fingers were itching to wrap themselves around her neck. "You...You killed him...both of them. Sirius died because of you! Dumbledore died because of you. It's because of you that Neville's parents don't recognize him...It's all because of YOU!" I picked up my fallen wand and pointed it straight at her heart. My voice was deadly silent now, "Just give me a reason and I will KILL you." She did nothing. My hand held tight around my wand. "Avada - "

"It's your fault," said Lestrange in a deep whisper. I looked at her, surprised. She seemed encouraged at that and continued, "It's not all because of me; it's all because of you."

I lowered my wand slowly.

"Your doggy godfather and your muggle-lover of a headmaster died because you were there or because you weren't there."

I knew it was true.

"If-if you hadn't been so rash in your fifth year, Black would have lived and you wouldn't have been harmed in any way. If you hadn't been so eager to play hero, my blood traitor of a cousin would have remained safe. And-and now, if you had come earlier, Dumbledore wouldn't have died. You, you always had the power to stop me, but you never did enough."

"But you were the one who actually killed them - I-I-I h-had no control over the situations," I said shakily. It sounded unconvincing, even to me.

"I can tell you know that it's your fault."

She was right - I knew it was my fault. I always had a chance to prevent their deaths but I never did take the chance.

It WAS my fault. I looked down at the ground...

Wham. Her knee dug itself deep inside my stomach. I doubled over reflexively and Lestrange snatched my wand from where it was easily accessible within my hand. "Shit." I grabbed Lestrange's wand from where it lay on the floor but before I could utter the incantation of a spell -

"Stupefy."

I fell into oblivion.