Imperfections of Perfection

Added note/disclaimer: I also use quotes from other places. If you find a quote that wasn't cited, please notify me.

"Nothing begins, and nothing ends"

XII

And Watch Me Burn

Pansy was nagging at me again - to eat. So, I ate and then I excused myself. I walked to the bathroom, checked no one was there and got rid of the food. Finally, I stood up and flushed the toilet.

I'd cleaned myself up and taken off the glamour to look at myself.

That was when Granger said, "Draco... I know. You're really sick. You're killing yourself."

It was along the lines of what Acheron had told me. He said I was going to die if I didn't stop this. But I needed this. I needed control and not eating gave me power over my life. It was already spinning out of control. My parents were dead - But... I had Harry now.

I whispered the spell to cast the Glamour on myself.

"Draco... you're killing yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself? When did it start?" Granger asked me then.

I started when she spoke, whirling around to look at her as she stared at me. I know what she saw - a beautiful boy. I had that ethereal beauty most people would die for - with my white-blonde hair and my pale skin... of course I was beautiful... and of course I was perfect. I had Harry now. If I weren't perfect why would he have kissed me when he accepted my offer to start over?

I stared at her, her questions suddenly sinking into my mind. I didn't know when it started. I just know that it made me feel so much better.

And so I told her, "It's just about control, see. Control - I can control this. My father doesn't see me not eating - he can't stop me and he can't make me. No one can force me to do this if I don't want to. I'm controlling it. It's my decision. It's in my control, no one else's."

"Draco, you've got a problem," she told me as her eyes reminded me my father was dead.

"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM," I screamed at her. "I don't!"

She stared at me and then said, "Well... all right..." She turned to go, but then added over her shoulder saying quietly, "But, Draco, what happens when you lose control?"

She left me standing there, bewildered and in shock.

What if I was no longer in control...

No, of course I was in control.

But what if...

"I am in control," I said to the empty bathroom. Satisfied, I walked out.

xxx

It was on a Friday that I realized I hadn't eaten all week. Pansy had not nagged at me and Blaise was not around to say anything. In fact, neither of them was around anymore. They were always together lately, leaving me as a third wheel. Though, it didn't matter - I had Harry.

Harry and I spent most our time together, snogging and laughingly telling each other things about ourselves. I was shocked to find out he didn't have the perfect life I'd thought he'd led. It was horrible - what those Muggles did.

I was glad that he did not have to see them ever again.

Everything was going well... except, I wasn't feeling well. I was tired all the time, and I had a constant headache. My hair was brittle and the other day, I broke a nail. And seeing as I'm a boy, I don't let my nails to grow long, but it broke and it was cracked in the middle. Harry kissed it and I smiled, telling him it felt much better.

My skin was dry too - my lips were so dry, I was ashamed when Harry kissed me because his were soft and moist while mine weren't.

"So, anyway, Ron says that maybe we might be able to convince Ginny to accept us if we let her know how we feel - separately. Hermione says she hasn't thought up of a better plan... so..."

I nodded at him as we walked up the stairs to the new Potions classroom. I'd been surprised to find out that they'd changed the classroom. That was when it happened.

A wave of dizziness crashed over me and I couldn't catch my breath. I could feel my heart beating... beating... yet it was so odd because it hurt. My chest hurt very badly and I grabbed on to Harry.

"...right?"

"What?" I asked.

"Are you all right?" asked Harry, looking at me anxiously.

"Yes." I said. "Yes, I'm fine. Come on let's go to Potions."

I felt Harry watching me worriedly afterwards. And to tell you the truth, I was starting to get worried.

xxx

I had more dizzy spells and I was starting to have trouble waking up. That was what scared me the most - that was until I tried to eat for the first time of my own free will.

It had been a long time that I had eaten without making myself throw up afterwards. And the last few times I had, I'd noticed I barely had to do anything anymore.

"Oh, you're eating!" Pansy told me when she saw that I had put food on my plate. I did eat dinner that day before kissing Harry goodnight and going into my own dormitory, smiling like a crazy person.

"Draco, dear, you have it bad," Pansy said laughing at me. "Come here for a game of chess."

"I know," I told her smilingly, happily. "It's just that he makes me feel wonderful. It's weird, isn't it?"

"Not really," said Blaise, looking pointedly at Pansy. Then they chose to play Exploding Snap.

I was sitting there watching them, working on a scrapbook I'd begun when I was around the age of ten. I hadn't had the time to work on it lately, so I was working on it now. That was when I felt the first hints of nausea and I told myself I was not going to throw up. I needed to eat. I wanted to eat - it was in my control.

What happens when you lose control?

I was in control. I was in control and that meant that if I wanted to eat I could eat and it would stay inside because I wanted it to. I controlled my own body.

Then I felt the bile rising up to my mouth. I dropped my book and ran into the first bathroom I came to and was sick.

Pansy was there, along with Blaise and a lot of other people who were whispering amongst themselves.

"Bugger off the lot of you," Blaise said shooing them away as Pansy cleaned me up and we walked to the bedroom we shared.

"You're burning up," Pansy told me, placing a cool hand on my face.

"It's hot... hot," I told her. "I can't breathe either."

I hadn't noticed it, but I was sweating. I couldn't breathe - that was the main thing and my chest was bothering me.

"Maybe it was something you ate?" asked Pansy.

I shook my head, tired. I was so, so tired.

xxx

I didn't eat anything the next day, even though Pansy tried giving me food, but I immediately threw it up, so I stopped eating. The only thing my stomach could handle was water.

I was tired too and it seemed like I became even more exhausted every day. I wanted to go out on my run, but I kept waking up too late for it.

I drifted, getting up to go to the bathroom, but that seemed to happen less and less. And I was far too tired.

"Oh my God! Draco!" Pansy said after I came out of the shower without a shirt on because I couldn't find the shirt I swore I'd taken into the bathroom with me.

"What?" I asked her. Then I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror and saw that I'd lost even more weight recently... and the Glamour had finally failed me.

"I'm going to bed," I told her and curled up and headed off to sleep.

"Draco?"

"Don't worry about me," I told her as I lay down on the bed. Problem was... I was beginning to worry about myself.

I think I've finally lost control...

- Francis Thompson (?)

A/N: Yeah... the downward spiral begins! And yes, part of the "shattered" formatted prologue is in here too. You can tell, hopefully, we're starting to go to the "present".

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(I'm not saying anything about anything right now or else I'll go on a rant)