Imperfections of Perfection

"The most dangerous thing about power is to employ it where it is not applicable."

Prologue:

x-x-x-x-x-x

And this is where we begin,

In the here and now...

At the beginning of the end

x-x-x-x-x-x

Control

I'm at Hogwarts. Soon I'll be free to be whatever I want to be.

My name follows me like a plague, and no one seems to care too much. I have everything under control. I have a glamour spell in place just in case - it's to help me seem perfect. It'll stay as long I as I keep this up.

I walk out of the Great Hall after dinner. I'm heading for the bathroom - I'm using the boys' bathroom. I look around. No one is inside...

Good, I think to myself. They can't make me stop - they can't make me lose my control.

I take control and afterwards, I flush the toilet and open the door, only to find HER - the Mudblood staring at me, ready to knock.

What are you doing here? Don't you realize this is a boys' restroom? Maybe you just got all that mud in your brain and you can't figure it out.

Malfoy, she says, what happened? You look sick... you sounded like you were sick.

No, I'm fine. Thanks. I don't need your concern.

Go to Madam Pomfrey.

No, I don't think I will. I'm fine.

And I'm fine. I'm better than fine. I look at myself - the glamour is still on. I'm perfect and in control.

xxx

Draco... she says, I know. You're really sick. You're killing yourself...

I start and whirl around. She's standing behind me, staring at me. I've taken the glamour off to look at myself without it. I look perfect. The beautiful - the ethereal beauty that graces me. I know it; I look like something that doesn't belong in this world. But I'm still beautiful and I'm in control.

I say the charm and she looks at me with something like worry in her eyes.

Draco... you're killing yourself. Why are you doing this to yourself? When did it start?

I stare at her, wondering... where had this begun?

xxx

I don't remember when it started. It used to be simple things.

If I study, I'll get good grades. If I study, my father will like me. If I study, I'll be better than people.

Then my father found out and he took over. He drew up study schedules for me. He told me when I was to study, what grade I was expected to get. He told me how I was to act, how I was to look. He told me who, what, and where I was going to be.

He had all the control. A tyrant - a dictator who ruled with an iron fist that I could never wrest control from.

So... it began with a simple sentence. I can't remember who said it, or where I heard it.

You control when and what you eat. No one can force you to eat. They can force you not to eat, but they can't force you to eat something you don't want.

I stopped eating meat. It was simple, easy. I was in control. I didn't eat meat. Then it was no meat, and I've always hated fish. I stuck to a strict diet that did not involve another creature dying.

If I don't eat that, then he won't find out. If I stop eating that, I won't get in trouble. If I stop eating that, they won't notice. If I stop eating that, I'll be in control.

Control.

My meals grew smaller and smaller until I was drinking only liquids at dinner. I drank pumpkin juice, lemonade, butterbeer...water...

Then, I stopped drinking pumpkin juice. If I don't have that, they'll leave me alone.

Slowly I stopped drinking and eating anything. I drank only water. Water was the only thing I ALLOWED myself to drink. I was in control.

Control.

If I don't eat, they'll leave me alone. If I don't eat, I can get better grades. If I don't eat, he won't hit me. If I don't eat, I'll be in control.

Control...

I can't control the way I look. My father has that under control. I can't control the way I talk - my father won't let me talk the way I want. I can't have the friends I want - the Dark Lord will grow suspicious. I must hate all Muggle things. I cannot allow myself to fantasize about Ginny Weasley... Hermione Granger.

I can't have Potter as - control... control...

I need the best grades. I need them.

If I don't eat, Father won't hit me today. If I don't eat, Potter won't see me as evil. If I don't eat, HE won't come back.

If I don't eat...

I have control.

No, don't tell me I've got a problem. I don't have a problem. It's control.

That's how it started.

I'll get the best grades if I don't eat because I've got to study. No, leave me alone - I have to study. I have to. Bad things will happen if I give in and eat. No - don't tell me to, please leave me alone.

If I don't eat, Dumbledore won't die. If I don't eat, I won't have to do it. If I don't eat, I can escape this. If I don't eat, they'll leave me alone. If I don't eat... I'll be perfect.

Then... Dumbledore died, and I went on the run.

If I don't eat, I won't have to stop and risk getting caught. If I don't eat he won't find me. If I don't eat, I can disappear from sight. If I don't eat... control.

I look at her now, and say, "It's just about control, see. Control - I can control this. My father doesn't see me not eating - he can't stop me and he can't make me. No one can force me to do this if I don't want to. I'm controlling it. It's my decision. It's in my control, no one else's."

"Draco, you've got a problem," she tells me.

"I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM," I scream at her.

"I don't!"

They've forced me to eat before, but I have the control over that too. I walk to the bathroom and let my finger slide down into my throat until the food is gone.

No, don't ask me to give up my control. I can't control my life - I'm spinning out of control. I'm standing on the precipice and I'll fall if I eat.

Control.

It's about that. I won't eat and I don't lose control ever again. I'm not powerless, I'm not hopeless. If I don't eat.

Make me eat, I'll make it go away. It won't stay inside me. I refuse to allow it to stay.

Control.

I'm going to be perfect. I'll be absolutely perfect. No problems, nothing to worry about. I'm perfect. I've got control. You can't tell me what to do. I'm in control.

Control.

It's all I wanted. If I'm in control, I'm perfect.

It's about the power over myself. It's my choice

I'm in control. I'll eat when I want to.

If I don't eat... I'll be in control.

"But, Draco," she says to me, looking at me. "What happens when you lose control?"

xxx

She leaves me standing in the bathroom, smelling the things I've just cleansed myself of. "I am in control," I say to the empty bathroom. I'll always be in control. No matter what.

No... I won't lose control.

I don't have a problem...

I DON'T!

- David Halberstam