Pillow Talk

Harry Potter walked into the counselors' office. Frankly, he was a little nervous.

He stepped inside and cocked an eyebrow. In the center of the room, there was a rather large heap of pillows, no couches, desks, or anything else for that matter, only a pile of pillows and a very large lethal looking blue club-like thing.

He sighed. He didn't know why Ginny wanted to go to marriage counseling. They were fine. He walked over to the pillows cautiously. He stooped low to pick one up

"HI THERE!" came a voice from within the pillows. Harry leaped back in surprise.

A woman suddenly appeared from the mound of pillows. One was sitting on her head. She pulled if off and threw it to the ground. She brushed herself off and walked towards Harry with a hand extended for him to shake. He shook it reluctantly.

"Hi, I'm Luna Lovegood of Malfoy and Lovegood. We're sorry for your pain." She looked around. "Where's your wife?"

"Oh, she'll be here in a minute. She's just late--"

"Is that a noogie?" she asked.

"A what?"

"A noogie. A little something that gets on your nerves."

Harry frowned. "Well, no. I'm sure there is a--"

"Here, take this," she said handing the club-like thing to him and picking up a pillow.

Harry stared at the bat with a confused expression.

"Hit the pillow with the bataka and say, 'Damn you...' What's your wife's name?"

"Uhh, Ginny"

"Say, 'Damn you, Ginny,'"

"Look, I don't--"

"C'mon Harry, say it."

"But--"

"Do you have balls, Harry? Hit the pillow. Say it!"

"Damn you, Ginny," he muttered and gave the bataka a light swing against the pillow.

"Harder, Harry!"

"Damn you, Ginny," he muttered louder swinging the bat harder.

"C'mon, Harry. Say it. You do have balls!" Luna demanded angrily.

"I do have balls!" he said happily.

"You do have balls!"

"Damn you, Ginny. I do have balls! Damn you, Ginny! DAMN YOU, GINNY!" Harry was swinging the bataka violently at everything.

"What did I do now?" Ginny asked angrily, stepping into the room.

"Hi!" Luna said, taking up her cheerful tone again. "Welcome to Malfoy and Lovegood. I'm Luna Lovegood. We're sorry for your pain. Does this hurt you, hearing what he said? He damned you. In front of a complete stranger!"

Ginny's eyes narrowed irately and her lips pursed. She dropped her purse at the door and rolled up her sleeves.

"Give the bataka to Ginny," Luna ordered to Harry.

"No!"

"Harry, give the bataka to Ginny."

"No, It's mine!

"HARRY!" Luna spat. Harry reluctantly gave it to Luna who then passed it to Ginny and picked up a pillow.

"Ok now Ginny, hit the pillow and say, "Damn you, Harry!'"

"Damn you, Harry," she snapped and gave the pillow a small tap.

"Good, harder," Luna demanded.

"Damn you, Harry! DAMN YOU, HARRY! DAMN YOU, HARRY!" Ginny charged Harry with the bataka and soon he was on the floor. Ginny took up the bataka and swung it repeatedly. Harry crawled his way to the pillows and began to burrow into them to stop from Ginny's reign.

"I said hit the pillow, not your husband!" Luna yelled, snatching up the bataka from Ginny.

Ginny sat haughtily down where she was and crossed her legs. Harry pulled himself out from the pillows and took a seat on the floor two feet away from her, his legs also crossed. Luna tossed the bat to the side and walked over to them. Ginny began to pull her hair out of her face.

"Wonderful. That was a brilliant start. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

At this, Ginny broke into deafening sobs.

"Oh no. Oh, you poor dear. This is all your fault isn't it, Harry?" Luna asked him as she rushed forward to place a soothing hand upon Ginny's shoulder.

"No, I didn't. She isn't normally like this...this isn't--"

"What? Did you hurt her mentally?" She grabbed Ginny's head and shook it. "Physically?" She shook Ginny's body harder. "Emotionally?" She clutched Ginny's cheeks and shook them. "Did you throw you're big, ugly body on here when she didn't want it?" She made several pelvic thrusts towards Harry. "Or are you simply not capable of giving her the satisfaction that she so desperately needs?" She said bending her index finger towards him.

Harry was at a loss for words. Ginny stopped sobbing to look at him. He looked at her and smiled weakly, hoping she would end his embarrassment by saying no.

"YES!" Ginny bellowed and resumed her hysteric sobbing, her face in her hands.

"I know what type of guy you are," Luna began. "I had a boyfriend like you. He used to chain me to the stove. I used to think it was typical, but I found out it wasn't. He did it all the time. I had tried to kill myself, but the chain wouldn't reach. I probably would have succeeded if the stove were gas. You are just like him. Thankfully, I found Draco. He treats me so well. But this marriage can never be saved. You make me sick. Get out of here. GET OUT!" She pointed to the door.

"Hello there!" came another voice from the pillows. A man with a pale, pointed face and white-blonde hair stepped out of the mountain of pillows carrying a brief case. He fixed his clothes and set down the case. He opened it and pulled out three pillows, for which he tossed them to the floor and closed his case again.

"I'm Draco Malfoy of Malfoy and Lovegood. We're sorry for your pain." He shook Harry's hand.

"He's sick Draco!" Luna said pointing to Harry. "He's sick. He can't be saved. Get him OUT!"

"Now, Luna," Draco said. He walked over to Ginny who had lifted her head to his footsteps. Draco's eyes got big and he immediately turned around towards Luna.

Ginny smiled. "Draco?"

"Umm, yes, maybe we should cut this short." Draco said quickly.

"Draco!" Ginny bolted to her feet and quickly charged Draco happily. She wrapped her arms around his waist as she began to undo his belt.

"Oh my God! What is she doing? Draco, get her out of here!" Luna said picking up the bataka bat. She was aiming for Ginny's hands, but Ginny had pulled her hands away before she swung, thus hitting Draco where it hurts. Ginny released him.

Draco crumpled to the floor. "Luna," he said hoarsely, "she's hurting."

"She's going to be hurting even more when I'm done with her!" Luna yelled, raising the bataka bat into the air and charging Ginny. Ginny screamed and ran for cover behind Harry. Draco got up and seized Luna around the waist at mid-charge. He heaved the struggling Luna into the air and set her down.

"This isn't the way to be going about things Luna," he said.

Luna lowered the bat. "Do you know her?" She pointed to Ginny, who was struggling to break free and run for Malfoy.

"For better or for worse. Remember Ginny? Through sickness or in health till death do us part," said Harry softly. "Remember?"

"I knew her once," Draco said, returning his gaze to Luna. "But love is like the wind. It blows here," he pointed to Luna, "and there," he pointed to Harry, "and there." He said nodding his head and smiling broadly at Ginny.

"Are...are you saying you don't love me anymore?" Luna asked, tears forming in her eyes.

"No, I'm not...wait, yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for your pain."

"I'll show you pain!" she said menacingly, raising the bataka and beating Draco to the ground.

"No!" Ginny said, breaking free and running towards Draco. Luna looked at Harry and charged him. He dove into the pillows as she clobbered him.

"I only married him because he had your lips," Ginny said earnestly. "But I found out he has to use Chap Stick because they are always chapped. And he doesn't make love like you do. He says the bathroom spigot hurts his back!"

Luna stopped beating Harry and turned towards Draco and Luna. "You know what? I don't need you. I've got him!" She pointed to Harry.

"Wait a minute--" said Harry, frightened.

"He can chain me to the oven and I'll love it!" with that, Luna pounced onto of Harry who was half covered by pillows and began to snog.

"Hey!" Draco yelled.

Luna looked up. "What? Are you jealous, Draco?"

Draco stood up. Ginny was clinging to his leg desperately. He tried to shake her off, but she would let go so he continued to walk over to Luna, dragging Ginny across the floor.

He pulled Harry up onto his feet and Luna watched with narrowed eyes.

"I could hate him. I could kill him. I could take the quill I have in my pocket and I could stab it in his eye, but..." He paused. "I could also love him." He wrapped his arms around Harry's body, arms and all.

"I'm quite uncomfortable now," Harry said loudly, but Draco didn't seem to notice.

"No, Draco. Don't do it." Luna pleaded.

"He's worthless." Ginny cried out next.

"He's incapable of loving you."

"He says the spigot hurts his back!"

The two women pulled Draco off of Harry, who was still looking uncomfortable. They pushed him on his back and began to play with his hair and kissing his neck.

Harry picked up and bataka bat and hit a nearby pillow.

"Well, I guess I'm leaving." No answer. "I won't be coming back." Still no answer. "Ok, then. Bye everyone." He walked towards the door, still holding the bataka. He gave a final look at Ginny and Luna, who were cooing over Draco. He rolled his eyes and strode out of the door.

He ran back inside, throwing open the door and raising the bataka. "NOOGIE!" he said loudly before hitting everyone in the head and running back out of the room.