Omnia Mors Perimit

She ignites the candles with her wand, taking a last look around. Since coming home from work, she's spent the entire evening with tidying up, more or less unsuccessful. She's been on the verge of sending an owl to her mother in order to help her, but refrained from this at last. Yes, Remus thinks she is a little untidy, but what would he think of her if he found out that she asked her mum to clear up her habitual mess?

In the candlelight, it looks much better already. She vanishes some faded flowers from the window sill, spotting a large stain of red wine on the sofa next, rubbing it with her wand, searching frantically for Mrs Scower's Magical Mess Remover, but since she can't find it, she hides the stain with a cushion as usual. This must do.

And then he's already knocking on her door, she storms to open up to him, throwing her arms around his neck. "There you are... Come in, come in!"

He is looking grave - come on, the flat's looking good tonight, at least compared to most other occasions. He couldn't truly be displeased with that, could he?

"Anything wrong, Remus?"

He doesn't answer at once, stroking her head and brushing a kiss on her forehead. "No," he says at last. "Not really... But let's sit down for a start, I've bought us some good wine - how was your day?" he asks casually, pouring two glasses. She sits down beside him, making sure that the cushion is still in the right place.

"'Twas rather good, actually. We've got the results from the analysis of the poisons we've found in my uncle's house - if this Law Wizard hasn't got some more sleazy tricks up his sleeve, he's earned himself two or three years more with that."

"And the rest of the day, you've been cleaning, eh?"

She feels that she is blushing, but hopes to get away with it in the feeble light. "What makes you say that?"

"I'm missing my favourite pile of empty pizza boxes... And blimey, you haven't cleaned the window panes, have you?"

"You say that as if it was something bad, Remus," she moans, looking away.

"Nah, you mistake me, dear. It's just that you really needn't do that, if you only do it for my sake, you know? I like your place, just like it is."

"So why are you always teasing me then?"

"Because I like it when you're blushing like this, dear," he murmurs, shooting her a fond look, taking his glass next to toast. "To you, Nymphadora -"

"Don't call me Nymphadora, please! It's such a stupid name!"

"I happen to like it... Anyway - to you."

"And you, Remus. Oh, I've been so looking forward to this evening, I was almost anxious that you'd be prevented from coming by some stupid incident. We've got to try and see more of each other, honestly!"

He simply smiles and sips his wine, and that awful feeling of foreboding starts curling in her stomach again. She has felt it all afternoon, for no real reason.

"Why are you so strange tonight?"

"Am I?"

"Yes, you are! So - so distant, somehow..."

"Come, try the wine. It's really good," he murmurs without looking at her.

"You're avoiding the question, Remus!"

He sighs deeply, playing with his glass. "Yes, yes, you are right... I am avoiding it -"

"And may I ask why?"

"You may, though - I'm afraid you might not like the answer very much..."

"The answer," she says breathlessly, feeling a burning sensation in her throat and in her eyes. She knew that answer, long before he utters it. For a while he is silent, still not looking at her, still playing with the glass, putting it down eventually and turning to her.

"Listen, Nymph- Tonks. I - I have thought about all this - I have thought about us. Frankly, I've hardly thought of anything else in the last time."

"And...? I suppose you've come to some conclusion after all -"

"Yes, I have. Look - I needn't tell you the arguments, you know them yourself -"

"I do not," she replies stubbornly, praying not to burst into tears. "You'll have to tell me!"

"We don't... no, let me put it differently. You know how fond I am of you - I am, that's not the problem. Everything else is though..." He swallows, his eyes piercing her gaze now, and she furiously blinks away the tears that are welling there. "Where to start? I'm thirteen years older than you, Nymphadora, and that's only the gap in actual years. You are a lively, young girl, you have everything before you. You are so pretty, so charming, so smart... You're anything that a man could be dreaming of. I, on the other hand... I may be thirty-seven on paper, but I feel much older - I don't have much before me but misery and disappointment and hurt. I'm a werewolf, for goodness' sake! The last time - it was so close! What if I had bitten you?"

She vigorously shakes her head. "You wouldn't have, and anyway, that was my fault and not yours!"

He is taking Wolfsbane Potion to prevent him from losing his mind when the transformation takes place, and it works just fine. The last full moon however, she's popped into his apartment, to look after him, and perhaps get him some steaks and kidney pie, his favourites when being a wolf. He was asleep, and when seeing him lying there on the floor, she had the totally stupid idea to kneel down and stroke over his silky fur... - He leapt at her before knowing what he was doing, still almost asleep, thinking an attacker had approached him.

"But the material point is that I am dangerous. Can't you get that in your pretty head? Mark my words, Nymphadora, you must not take that lightly - being a werewolf is something that I wouldn't want to happen to my worst enemy. And you are a witch! I - If I bit you, I couldn't live with myself -"

"But I've learnt my lesson, Remus! I won't visit you during full moon again, no big deal, is it?"

"It's not only that, Nymphadora. Sirius was right -"

"Sirius?!" she cries, straightening up. "Oh, come on, Remus, you know that -"

"I know that he had only our best in mind, yours as well as mine, dear. Perhaps he was a bit harsh in his chosen words, occasionally, but he's been right nonetheless. We do not suit each other. We can only be bad for each other -"

"So now I am bad for you," she snarls, suddenly angry. He reaches out for her hand but she withdraws it, glaring at him. "Mind telling me why I am so bad for you?!"

"You're not bad for me, dear, you know that! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, but -"

"But?!"

"But we're in war, and if I had to lose you - if I - if you - if something happened to you, if you were torn from me like that - that would be bad for me, it'd be as bad as it could get -"

"So you rather tear me away yourself, do you!"

"That's different," he mutters, indeed looking much older than his thirty-eight years in this moment. "I could still see you, still know you're there -"

"I am a bloody Auror, Remus. I hate to tell you, but that's no exactly peaceful job, even in better times than now! And if my ruddy aunt ever gets hold of me... What darned difference does it make whether we're together then or not!"

"For me, it'd make a huge difference! Besides - if my cover was blown, if Greyback ever found out what I am truly up to - he'd take revenge on me by taking on you, my girlfriend, the only person I truly love -"

She can't help it, a single tear emerges from the corner of her eyes, rolling down her cheek and dropping on her bosom. She is speechless, a painful knot in her throat - he has never told her before that he loves her - why must he say it now, in the very moment when he's pushing her away -

"And if I got killed," he continues calmly, not taking his gaze away. "You're too young for that, Nymphadora."

She summons all her strength, all the breath she got left in her to hiss, "So what you are saying is that losing someone is better when one's older, are you? When one's spent half of one's life with the other one, perhaps!"

"Of course not... But let me go on. Sirius wouldn't be - he would still be - he..." He swallows, harder yet, closing his eyes for some seconds. "I have neglected him, I knew how awful he was feeling, but still my priority was being with you, with my beautiful, sexy lover... I don't get over this, the guilt's eating me up. He wouldn't have been so restless if he could have relied on his oldest friend -"

"But that's rubbish!"

"It's how it feels."

"It's not your fault he's dead! It's been my aunt who's killed him, and if any of us was guilty in any other respect, it'd be me, I have failed to beat her, I let her escape and duel Sirius instead -"

"We've both set wrong priorities, Nymphadora, but trust me, my blunder was much worse than yours. I have the experience to know - to understand -"

"Oh, will you stop that! Don't you treat me like a little child, I might not be in my thirties, but I haven't crawled out of my egg shell just yesterday either!"

"I haven't said that, have I? Anyway, I didn't mean to imply it either. There is but one matter in which I indeed feel like your senior, like being the more mature one of us - namely the impossibility of this affair. It's no good, Nymphadora, and maybe you will one day be able to see it like I do -"

"And if I become a hundred years, I won't see it like you, I bet you that!"

"This really isn't the time to - to... Perhaps we could have had a chance some other time -"

"So I will just wait for you then. Until this war is over! Mind you, we might even win it and -"

"I don't want you to wait for me. Waiting for someone means not being open for other people - to still be tied - vulnerable -"

"You cannot be serious! I've never heard such nonsense!"

"When was the last time you've talked to your mother?"

"What's this got to do with it, eh?"

"When did you?" he insists, fumbling with his glass again. She shakes her head in a lack of understanding.

"I reckon that must have been at Sirius' obsequies."

"That's more than three weeks ago," he says quietly.

"You know how busy I've been, I've hardly had a night off in an entire week, and if I had, I tried to meet you -"

"Talking of odd priorities, my dear..."

"Nah, I've had some little argument with her, after the funeral - I don't mean to pop in for a mere half an hour after this. I'd rather wait for a better opportunity than that," she says, straining to sound careless and casual.

"I know you've argued. She's told me."

Her jaw drops. "When did you see her then?"

"There were some things to sort out about Sirius' legacy, we met accidentally."

"What did she say?" she asks sharply, adding hurriedly in a softer voice, "And why didn't you tell me?"

"It was - well - somewhat embarrassing, you know..."

"What did she say!" Her heart, which has been close to stop beating only some minutes ago, is now racing hard. Her mum wouldn't have - she couldn't -

"Oh, she was very amiable, as always. We've had a cup of tea afterwards, and had a very interesting, good chat... She's asked me about you, you know? Mentioned that she's not heard from you, and that she was afraid that you had mistaken her the last time you've been talking -"

She is squirming, incapable to answer, half hoping that she has misunderstood her mother, half praying that he would just drop the topic at once. She doesn't want to discuss this, not now, not under these circumstances.

"She has asked me how serious I were about her daughter," he says now, smiling strangely, and Tonks catches her breath. Oh no!

"So you've simply told her that you're going to dump me anyway," she snaps, bearing in mind the old Auror rule that an attack can be the best defence in a serious moment - a moment like this.

"No, I didn't," he replies quietly, showing no offence. "She has asked what we were going to do about my - problem."

She couldn't bear it to look at him. She knows what her mother must have said to Remus, at least she got a vivid imagination. Her mum wasn't too pleased with her daughter's werewolf lover, and Tonks has hurled some pretty rude things at her, about being a bloody hypocrite, and having no right to mess with her daughter's life either... She regrets some of the phrases now, but not the message - she wants to be with Remus, no matter what, and that he is a werewolf has no impact whatsoever on her feelings in that quarter.

"You've told her about the Wolfsbane Potion?"

"Yes, I did. But that wasn't what she had in mind, it appears. - Look, it's only natural she's worrying for you. If we - if we were to stay together and perhaps you want to have a child one day - you don't know what would be with it -"

"So we'll adopt a kid if we want one, for goodness' sake! I cannot believe she's dared to bother you with that!"

"You must give that your mother is a very sensible woman and only wants your best, Nymphadora. If even she warns you - you know how liberal a person she normally is - is it really too much to ask that you contemplate the arguments unprejudiced?"

"Unprejudiced! Ph! My mother's run away with my muggleborn dad, and she's not given a damn about her family's disapproval. How can she criticise me for feeling the same now?"

"You mother has married a wizard, Nymph-"

"Yeah, and what are you then, no wizard?"

"I'm only partly human, dear. You cannot compare that to your parents' situation. However, I have thought about that meeting for some time. Your mother and Sirius have not been talking together about this, but still they were saying the same. Doesn't that make you think?"

"That my pureblood relatives are indignant when I come home with someone partly from another species? If she's got nothing better to say, my mother can spare her good weather liberalism," she snipes, draining her wine with one big sip and refreshing her glass. "And the same goes for Sirius! He's been jealous, that is all! Because you and me have had a life, while he was condemned to sit in that ruddy house. That we were happy, even in all this!"

"Don't speak of him like that -"

"But it's true," she almost shouts. Anger, disappointment and fear to lose Remus are almost overwhelming her, and the very next time she's going to meet her mother she'll -

"I don't want to argue with you, dear. I'm just saying how it is - how I feel about this. I trust you will come to understand my point of view."

"What you feel - what is it that you feel, Remus? You've given me half a dozen reasons linked to sense - or what you call like that anyway. But what about your feelings? I love you, my heart will be breaking about this, and you? Do you feel nothing?"

He looks her straight into the eye, unblinkingly, openly, and she knows that this is the end, even though his words are so gentle and tender, even though she's not going to accept it just now. "I love you, Nymphadora Tonks, more than any other woman I have ever met with. And because I love you, I want us to give this up, I want you to go back to your old life and lead the sort of life that's right for a..." He has taken her hand, pressing it. "That's right for the funniest, sweetest, smartest, and overall prettiest twenty-three year old girl in the world. You deserve better than me, Nymphadora. I love you far too much to be wanting to condemn you."

She has tried to bite them down all the time since he has started with his little speech, but now she can no longer hold back the tears, they're streaming down her cheeks, blocking her throat, she can't speak - she can hardly breathe, and in her lungs something painfully clenches. This couldn't be - how could he - why - he must not - why...