Ad Mortem Festinamus

She didn't find a minute of rest that night. She tossed and turned, and cried, mostly - she hadn't had a notion that she could have so much water for tears inside her. The lump in her throat did not go away, it got only worse, additionally, she was sick, her guts felt like revolting, she got a headache, undoubtedly from weeping so much, but all that wouldn't have been so terrible, if she hadn't felt so dreadful. Her mind told her that she didn't deserve better, fools will be fools, why had she allowed him to ensnare her, she could have known better, she had known better...

But neither sickness nor anger with herself were the chief part of her anguish. She was just so sad, so unspeakably unhappy. Lucius didn't love her. He said he did, and perhaps he even thought so, but this was no love. She was no sentimentalist, but she found still that love required a bit more than that! If he really loved her, he wouldn't have cheated on her, because he would have thought of her, that he couldn't but hurt her, no matter how cool she ever pretended to be. And love meant that one wouldn't want to hurt the beloved person, right? She would never have hurt him.

She was almost grateful when the morning came, when she heard all the familiar noises in the house, the elves preparing breakfast, her father whistling under the shower. She had cried enough, for now at least. She'd face Lucius, she'd hear what he wanted to tell her, and she swore to herself that she wouldn't let him know how badly he had injured her. She would be as cool as ice - this was the day on which she'd finally earn the title that some of the other students had for her. She'd be the Ice Queen. She could continue to mourn when she was on her own again.

One look into the mirror told her that she could try to be as chilly as she pleased, her looks would give her away, and grinding her teeth, she began to conceal the damage. She bleached her sore nose, her bloodshot eyes, the deep, dark rings around them. When she had finished, she had the grim satisfaction to see that she had hardly ever looked better than in this moment. If he did find her so beautiful, he'd be even more sorry to have gambled away her good opinion of himself, oh yes, he would!

She chose robes with a large décolleté and tight cut, making her look tempting at her best, and although she was trembling when putting on her earrings, she thought she would conquer that quiver, too. If anything, she would derive strength from her own pride, he could devastate her, but at least he would never know.

She heard his voice in the hallway, and casting her immaculate reflection one last glance, she lifted her chin and strode downstairs, displaying her best school smile, as she would call it - supreme, reserved, cold. For a moment, he smiled back, but then he seemed to have noticed that something was wrong, and when he said hello with a short kiss, he muttered, "Anything wrong, dear?"

"No. What should be wrong? Can we go?"

"You - never mind." He offered her his arm, they said good bye to her parents and left, disapparated to Malfoy Manor, and shortly, she almost forgot her worries when seeing the splendour of the blooming gardens surrounding the buildings. God, this place was magnificent - what a pity that she wasn't going to see it again. He didn't take her inside though, but lead her along a path towards the park.

"Shouldn't I say hello to your father first?"

She thought she should, because once they had - talked - she would be too much downcast to keep her façade up and meet old Mr Malfoy. He said his father would expect them later on, preoccupied with something - she clearly noticed his awkwardness, finding that it suited him right - at least he wasn't complacent about his crimes.

"Do you like the gardens?"

"Very much, yes. They are beautiful indeed," she replied curtly, receiving an odd glance.

"What is bothering you, Narcissa?"

"Bothering me? Why, I don't know what you are talking about."

"You're so - so distanced... Are you still feeling unwell?"

"Trust me, I've never felt better."

"You've surely never looked better. That dress is - oh dear. Anyway - why are you - you are so different..."

"Am I? However, let's not talk about me, Lucius. You've said you wanted to talk to me about something?"

She was proud how cool she sounded - perfectly indifferent - and he appeared to notice it, too. He swallowed, she could see it from the corner of her eyes, and murmured, "In a minute, Narcissa..."

"Why, is it so bad then?"

"Bad? Oh, no - at least I hope so..."

"So what are you waiting for?"

"We're not quite there yet -"

"Where are we going then?"

"I'll show you," his voice had dropped and he cleared his throat. Better get through with this as quickly as possible, she took a deep breath, turned her head to face him and showed a smile.

"Lucius, I might appear to you like some silly teenage girl, but I am not quite that silly. I know what you want to say, so can we please make this a quick one?"

His jaw had dropped and he gaped at her for a moment. "You know? Did your - anyway, what do you mean with silly? I don't think you were silly, for Merlin's sake!"

"It's not exactly hard to guess, is it? Honestly, out with it, it doesn't get better by doing it in a more beautiful place."

He stopped dead and turned to her with a very quizzical expression. "I think we should clarify something here, Narcissa - I know what I am talking about, but you seem to have something else on your mind, or I couldn't account for your bristling hostility!"

"Am I that hostile? I am sorry, I didn't mean to be. Have you practised a speech?"

"I have, yes... I'm just not sure that you want to hear it!"

"Oh, yes, I do want to hear it. I'm truly curious for your excuses. That could become very interesting indeed."

"My excuses? For what, please? Have I wronged you in some way that has slipped my notice?"

He really had a nerve, hadn't he? His face was so innocent, he looked as if here were genuinely bewildered, almost frightened, there was a flicker in his eyes that looked like worry, but he couldn't deceive her any more. She pretended to sigh, like her mother would when she was exasperated with Bella, and said, "I don't blame you, you know? I can easily imagine how hard it must be for you. The temptation was just too great, right? You couldn't have constrained yourself, and if it had been for your life? I hope it was worth it, indeed."

He faltered for a moment, staring at her in blank incredulity. "What the heck are you talking about? What was worth what? What temptation - I mean -"

"Come on, Lucius, don't be such a coward! You can just tell me, I won't bite your head off. Do I really have to say it myself? You've met someone - she was very pretty - impossible to resist - you have a guilty conscience, but you couldn't have helped it either -"

He burst out, laughing, almost cringing with laughter in fact, and she had to battle down the urge to slap him. She had expected a lot of things, but not that he would dare to ridicule her still! "Narcissa," he croaked, trying to calm himself, "Could it be that you are - are you labouring under the impression I had - oh, my goodness!"

"Pull yourself together," she said as coldly as she could, feeling the uprising tears in her throat.

He bit his lip, closed his eyes for a moment, and looked straight at her then. "My dear, dear Narcissa - if I do not mistake your words, you think that I had - what - betrayed you? Is that what you think?"

"Isn't that right then?" Oh, darn it, why did she sound so hopeful?! She wanted to sound crisp, disdainful, anything, but certainly not hopeful, although she was. Very much so. She'd give her right hand if he only told her that she was wrong and she could believe him.

"No, it is not right! What are you thinking? How could I? Oh my god - do you truly believe I would do that? Why should I? I'm in love with the smartest, most beautiful, most amiable witch on this planet - why should I look at someone else?"

She was a little speechless, opening and shutting her mouth in the most undignified manner. He pulled her close and chucked under her chin, coming very close and whispering, "Is that why you have treated me so coldly all day?"

She nodded in silence, and he went on, very earnestly, "I have never betrayed you, and I never will, Cissa. I haven't even gazed at any other woman than you - I've not done as much as thought of anyone but you. You are constantly on my mind! Do you believe me?"

She nodded again, so confused, nay ashamed now, she could hardly breathe. Yes, she did believe him.

"Have you got no faith in me at all?"

He sounded offended now, and summoning her last wits, she answered breathlessly, "You were so strange - yesterday - you evaded my questions - you -"

He didn't reply at once, merely gazing down at her, then he swung his arms around her and pressed her close. "Oh Narcissa, I didn't mean to - I'm so sorry... Yes, I did act weird, didn't I... But not because of that, anything like that. You see - I'm pretty damned nervous myself, I guess you've picked up on that -"

He loosened the embrace, pecked a swift kiss on her nose and gave her a very warm smile. "Come on, it's only a few more steps - just around that corner -"

She clang to his arm, not feeling her own legs, her head was empty but for one thought - he hadn't done it - he had been faithful to her - she couldn't even contemplate where he was taking her, or why he should be nervous. It didn't matter, as long as he was still hers -

She faintly noticed that the spot they now entered was the most enchanting by far she had ever seen, it bore a fantastic view over the old castle part of Malfoy Manor and the orchards, there was a small bench with dark green velvet cushions, underneath some very pretty hazelnut shrubs, all the trees around were blossoming, lilies of the valley everywhere. He lead her to the bench and made her sit down, and in the next moment, he was on his knees himself, squeezing her hands and looking up into her face with the strangest expression.

He was very pale now, swallowed hard, kissed her hands a few times before looking up again and speaking in a croaking voice, "My Narcissa - I have practised this speech, but I've forgotten all the words, I'm afraid... I - I love you. I cannot live without you. You are the best - the utmost magnificent thing that has ever happened to me and I will never let you go, if you let me... I know, you will think this premature, perhaps even think I was crazy, but I've got to ask you nonetheless - I want to spend the rest of my life by your side, so would you - would you -"

She stared at him, hardly daring to breathe, thoroughly captivated by his eyes. He moistened his lips, took a deep breath himself and went on, "Would you want to marry me?"

The blow was harder as if someone had hit her with a curse, she nearly sank down - it was lucky that she was already sitting, she was beyond words. He waited for a moment, looking at her expectantly, and when she said nothing, he continued with closed eyes. "I know this must appear bizarre to you - and I could well understand if you found me impertinent - that you couldn't give me your hand, seeing you are only seventeen - but I had to ask you still -"

She had rallied herself far enough to whisper, "I want to be with you, too, Lucius -"

"Do you?" His eyes flew open again, he covered her hands with kisses, nestled with some pocket, and produced a small velvet box. His hands were shaking, she noticed, and in the next moment, he presented an absolutely incredible ring to her, putting it onto her left ring finger. "Accept this as a token of my love for you. I swear, I will do everything in my power to make you happy, if you do have faith in me, I will never let you down, my darling, my love - I love you more than my own life, Narcissa..."

"I love you, too," she breathed, no longer able to maintain anything like composure. She began to cry, glided from the bench and threw her arms around him, out of herself, pressing her face against his shoulder, he seized her close, she clang to him almost desperately. Her head was in a complete mess, and the last remnants of rational conjecture vanished as well when his lips found hers.

Oh Lord, Merlin, Jesus, Mary and all saints - had he truly just asked her to become his wife? He had, hadn't he? And she had said yes, right? And she had treated him so badly! Had doubted him, had imputed on him that he had turned away from her! She was still completely out of herself when they returned back to the house, she felt like hovering above the ground, but at least, she had regained a little of her old humour.

"Now there's only one problem, dear," she said playfully and cuddled closer up to him yet. "I want to marry you, there's nothing I would rather do - but how you want to convince my father of this remains a miracle to me."

He sniggered. "Nah... Your father will be very pleased."

"Trust me, I know him a little better. I'm his little pet, you know, he's once sworn to kill any man who'd come near me - it's astonishing that he hasn't murdered you yet..."

"You think so?"

"You'll have my mum on your side though... Maybe she can convince him to only strangle you a bit."

He gave her a roguish look. "You know, I think you're right. I have your mother on my side. She is one of my greatest fans, I reckon... But it appears she has used her good influence on your father already, because he has agreed without throwing a single curse at me -"

"He has agreed?! What - why -"

"I got your sister Bellatrix to thank for the tip. She said that your father was of a peculiar kind, and that I'd better take a little detour if I wanted to secure our future properly..."

"You've asked him before you've asked me?" She laughed and boxed him playfully.

"I have, please, forgive me. But I had figured that you could never be easy while believing to grieve your good father."

She hurled her arms around his neck. "That's very thoughtful of you!"

"There's only one drawback, regarding your father... I had to give him my word that you'll finish school first. Are you angry with me for promising him so much, without your consent?"

"Of course not! Hang on - that's more than a year still - oh - I hadn't thought of that -"

"And speaking of waiting, there's another thing... Something I've promised myself - but you mustn't laugh at me now..." He kissed her, his cheeks red. "I've sworn myself to never touch you before we're not properly married -"

"Excuse me?"

"I could never degrade you to stand in a line with all the - oh well. You know what you thought yourself, only two hours ago, you believed you couldn't trust me because I've done a lot of things that make me appear untrustworthy. I will prove to you that I could deserve you."

"By not - not - you cannot be serious, can you?" she cried, gaping at him.

"I am very serious."

"But - I must have got you wrong, Lucius, I'm sorry. You have asked me to be your wife - I have said yes - meaning we are engaged - and still you don't want to get involved with me?"

He smirked. "Believe me, Narcissa, there is nothing that I want more. I'm beside myself, merely by looking at you, and when we kiss... I do want you. You are beautiful, you are sexy - but then - you also are an angel. You are hallow -"

"I am no such thing!"

"Yes, you are. To me you are. I've done too many things that I was once proud of and that I now long to make undone. But my feelings for you are different, and therefore I will act differently. I have far too much respect for you to do anything else."

She was touched, somehow, but also very much disturbed. She wanted him! Waiting for fourteen months - impossible! He must not be serious! "But what about me? I want you, too! Shouldn't you have asked me before swearing celibacy?"

He sniggered, seizing her close. "You want me? Oh, you will get me. All we have to do is wait some longer."

She groaned, smirked and pressed him tightly. "You've conspired with my mother! I wouldn't have believed that you of all men could be that - that Catholic! You're the only one I ever - I don't want to wait that long!"

"My sexy, seductive, beautiful blossom - you cannot have any idea how hard it will be for me, seeing you before me, and not giving it a try... I haven't asked you to marry me because you are beautiful beyond words - I want to spend the rest of my life with you because of the person that you are. Could there be a better way to show you my earnestness?"

"But I believe you already! I wouldn't have said yes if I had meant you'd want to marry me because of my legs, you know! And since you've mentioned my incredible stupidity to have suspected you - don't get me wrong, but - I'd feel much more secure if I thought you would sleep with me, instead of - well - bursting, right?

He positively laughed now, although she really couldn't see why he would. "Burst? You needn't be afraid of that, my love. I am - bursting - when I'm with you. Just now, in the grove there, feeling you press this delectable body against me - oh my. When you're not around though, I have no difficulties to contain myself, simply because I see nothing that could compare to you the slightest bit."

She wasn't convinced that his taking on the whole subject was either sensible, or practicable, or completely sane even. But she had no intention to argue with her so newly betrothed fiancé - gosh, fiancé - she couldn't believe it still. She was engaged! He wanted to spend the rest of his life with her! Her elation couldn't have been more perfect, in a way, she was even more content with his approach on sex than if it had be the other way round. After all, they were together, really together, for only two months, even if that might be a personal record for him. She didn't feel ready to sleep with him, if she was honest, but she somehow had the notion that it couldn't work between them if he didn't get - well - that.

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Cui Fortuna... Whom fortune favours will get the wanted bride.