Remembrance

Remus Lupin sat at the staff table in the Great Hall. Students were chatting, and there was a happy atmosphere. Christmas was almost coming, and for once, things seemed almost alright. But he knew, deep in his heart, that things would never be the same again.

He looked towards the Gryffindor table, where the likeness of James was with his friend. Harry was sitting between Hermione and Ron, and the three were all laughing. He glanced at them and suddenly stood up, stalking out of the Hall. His meal was left untouched on the table, and he did not notice the knowing glances Professor McGonagall and Dumbledore shared behind him.

He felt extremely sad and dismal, all of a sudden, when life suddenly seemed alright again. He had taken a look at Hermione and known that the year was going to be difficult. Not when he kept seeing traces of Lily in her face.

Even after 20 years of separation, he could still smell her scent, feel her, remember her kisses, remember how it felt the first time they had made love. And he remembered them all. Nothing else mattered. No one else did.

Lily, he thought, feeling the name echoing in his mind. Are you looking down from heavens at me? Do you even think about me?

He could almost here her reply, Remus, I don't want to leave you, but you have to understand, that I cannot stay. And James loves me.

In his mind, he heard himself protesting again, Lily, no! Don't you love me? I thought we meant something to you, I guess I was wrong.

She was resigned. No, Remus, know that I'll only ever love you, in this life, and even till the next, but I can't be with you. Please, Remus... I need to be with him. Goodbye...

It has been almost twenty years since their break-up, twenty lonely years, but he still remembered. Remembered the look of utmost resignation in her eyes, remembered that feeling of disappointment in his heart, though he had known for a long time that Lily would never be able to stay with him. He was a werewolf, and the wizarding community would probably never accept that.

"Obliviate", he had muttered softly, just before she left, so that she never remembered why they broke up. She only knew that she never loved him anymore. But even after her wedding, she would always cast him looks of adoration, and at times, confusion.

But harbouring this secret within him was no easy feat. He often wanted to go to Godric's Hollow and tell her, let her know just what had resulted in them breaking up. But then, she had died, and he never got the chance to tell her goodbye.

Finally, he had gone to Professor Dumbledore. I know, Remus. I know. You made the right choice. For every decision you make, it in turn acts as a catalyst to what would happen in the future. And even though it might not seem an important decision, it might affect the survival and existence, perhaps, of wizards everywhere.

Of course, Professor Dumbledore knew everything. He always did. And he kept them all well, so anything was safe with him.

Even though the Headmaster already told him that the choice he made could very well be the right one, he still felt guilty. If not for him, she would still be safe and sound. And she would still be with him, in his arms.

He would not have cast the Memory Charm on her, for it was against his nature. But he wanted her to be happy, to remain contented about her life with James. He did not want her to ever regret her decision. And hence, he had done what he did. He hoped that she remembered them now, even as she remembered him.

Lily, I love you, he thought as he entered his room. On his desk there lay a single white rose, drenched in the absolute pure light of the moon. He remembered it, of course. Lily had given it to him on their last day together. She had charmed it to be everlasting.

He had put it into a vase, and near the window, so that every night, the moonlight would shine on it, like it used to shine on her every night. But why was it on the table?

He picked it up, and saw a letter under it. He left the flower in the vase, and picked up the letter. Realization hit him. It was a letter from Lily, it had to be.

Dear Remus,

If you ever read this letter, it means that I am no longer in this world. I would probably be on the 'next great adventure', as Professor Dumbledore always said. I left this letter with Professor Dumbledore, to give you when he deemed it fit. I'd like you to know something.

I know. I know why things happened the way it was. The Memory Charm must have worn off. Because I remember. I remember everything. And I remember what I forgot to tell you that day. And know, Remus, that I never doubted whom your loyalties lay with, although everyone else assumed you had changed. You had become so withdrawn, Remus. They thought it was guilt, but only I knew the truth.

I know why you almost never went along with us. You couldn't bear it, seeing James and me together.

I beg you, Remus, please take care of Harry for me. Take good care of him. There is a reason for that, Remus. But I shall keep it to myself till later.

Remus, know that I love you too. If there's anything that I hate about leaving, it is not being able to tell you that I love you before moving on. I know now whom I love. James has always been a dear friend, and I love him dearly, but our love goes beyond it, Remus. Our love is much more beautiful and exists only between us.

If you must know, James and I do enjoy spending time together, but I think he knows that my heart belongs to someone else. At times, I get moody, and snap at him, hoping that YOU would come. But you don't know it. You don't.

The truth is, Remus, Harry is not James' child. He doesn't know it of course, but Harry is not his. And while everyone hugs James's child, I will be the only one knowing whom that child really belongs too. Harry is your son, Remus. I know I should probably not tell all these to you in a letter, but still, it is the best way now.

Professor Dumbledore is always there to talk with you about me. I believe he holds something from me to give to you.

Forgive me, my love, for never telling you before. I know I should have never kept it to myself, but it is difficult in the circumstances. Professor Dumbledore was the only one who knew it.

Harry is crying now, and I must go. Remus, I love you.

Yours forever,

Lily Evans Lupin

Remus sank back into his chair, trying to accept what he had just learned. He felt anger, at being kept in the dark for so long, but glad, at least, that something from their relationship had been preserved. And noticing how she had signed off, he felt his heartbeat quickening, like it always had whenever he felt strongly about Lily.

He stood up, and breathed in the cool night air. He relaxed, but wondered how he could tell Harry that James was not his real father.

At that moment, however, there was a sudden pattering of footsteps as Professor McGonagall rushed in. "Remus, come quickly, Sirius Black has just appeared in Harry's dormitory, and we are sending all the children to the Great Hall, you have to scan the grounds for him with Severus."

He nodded, sighing, as he left the letter in a drawer where he kept all his memories. The time was not right. Yet. He would wait. And now, it was Harry's safety first. Now that he knew the truth. As for his Lily, he would hold her in his heart always. And never ever forget her. She was his forever, and nothing could part them.

Nothing.