The Fantastic Four

The Fantastic Four Three (And Marshmallow)

Based on the fantastic mind of Zane Langenbrunner

Cast: Harry - TheBoyWhoLived [TBWL]

Hermione - BrainGirl

Ron - Dumboy

Crookshanks - Marshmallow

Scene One - Setting: Early Saturday morning at the Fantastic Three's Hideout (a.k.a., the Gryffindor common room) around seven thirty. They are all waking up on various couches and chairs.

TBWL: *burps* Man, I shouldn't have eaten those fifteen chili dogs last night!

BrainGirl: What?!?! You had fifteen chilidogs last night?!?!?!?!?! I thought you were on a diet?

TBWL: *burps again* Nope. Diet's over.

BrainGirl: Honestly!! Boys!!

Dumboy: *yawns* That was a wild party last night.

BrainGirl: That wasn't a party.

Dumboy: Yes it was!

BrainGirl: You two finishing your Astronomy homework and celebrating with chili dogs, Firewhiskey, and Chocolate Frogs is hardly what I'd call a party.

Dumboy: Well, your standards are pretty low...

BrainGirl: *chucks a pillow at him*

Dumboy: Ow!!

BrainGirl: You idiot, pillows don't hurt!!

Dumboy: They do if you have a hangover!

TBWL: You know, he's got a point...

BrainGirl: Shut your mouth, you idiot. Besides, I don't think he even knows what a hangover is!

TBWL: *points at Dumboy* I thought he was the idiot!

BrainGirl: Both of you are idiots. Case closed.

TBWL: No, it's not!

BrainGirl: Yes, it is.

TBWL: *sighs* Fine, you win.

BrainGirl: Dumboy, what time is it?

Dumboy: Quiet down!!!

BrainGirl: But...I just asked you a question in a normal tone of voice.

Dumboy: I said, quiet down!!! Do you have to be so loud?

BrainGirl: *exchanges a look with TBWL*

TBWL: *shrugs*

BrainGirl: *whispers* Is this quiet enough now?

Dumboy: *loudly* What did you say?

BrainGirl: *whispers* Is this quiet enough?

Dumboy: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING???? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BrainGirl: I would much appreciate it if you didn't yell in my freaking EAR!!!!

Dumboy: *falls off the couch he was sleeping on and lays motionless*

BrainGirl: Oh my God, I think I killed him! *pales*

Dumboy: *groans* Oh, my spleen...

BrainGirl: You freaking faker!! *kicks him*

Dumboy: *groans again* That was my spleen!! Owwie!!

BrainGirl: Your spleen is on the other side of your body, duh!

TBWL: *watches with amusement* Ahh, this is funny...

Dumboy: *pulls BrainGirl's hair*

BrainGirl: Ouch! *falls off her chair and kicks Dumboy in the shins*

Dumboy: *blinks* Ow. I think that hurt.

BrainGirl: Oh geez, you idiot, let go of my hair.

Dumboy: No.

BrainGirl: Let go of my hair, or I'll hex you!!

Dumboy: *blinks again and lets go of her hair* What were we talking about again?

BrainGirl: *slaps him* We were talking about...*sighs angrily* You and your stupid memory.

Dumboy: Memory? What's a memory?

BrainGirl: Shut up. Why don't you make yourself useful and do something...intelligent?

TBWL: BrainGirl, his name's DUMboy. How could he do anything intelligent if his name is DUMboy?

BrainGirl: Good point. Dumboy, why don't you make yourself useful and do something?

Dumboy: Okay! I'll go read!

TBWL: I didn't know you could read.

Dumboy: With hand writing like yours, it's amazing I can.

TBWL: *gasps* How rude!

Dumboy: What's rude mean?

TBWL: Nothing. Gosh! Do as BrainGirl says and make yourself useful!

Dumboy: How do you do that?

TBWL: Shut up and do something!!!!

Dumboy: Fine. Here, Marshmallow....Never mind, you stupid cat. Let's go fight evil or something like that!

BrainGirl: Fine. Let's go.

Scene 2 - Setting: The Hogwarts grounds. Dumboy is still wearing his pajamas, which he says is his "super-hero outfit", while BrainGirl and TBWL are clad in jeans and T-shirts. A random Death Eater appears, traveling from Hogsmeade and playing a harmonica near a tree with a newspaper under his arm.

Dumboy: *whistles*

TBWL: Cool! I didn't know you could whistle, Dumboy!

Dumboy: Neither could I!

BrainGirl: *shakes her head* Honestly, Dumboy, if you got any stupider -

TBWL: BrainGirl, 'stupider' isn't a word. Someone as smart as you should know that.

BrainGirl: Oh shut up.

TBWL: I think I've hit a nerve. *runs into a tree* Ouch!

Dumboy: No, I think you've hit a tree.

BrainGirl: *gasps* For once, you're right, Dumboy!!!

Dumboy: Yay!!!!!!!!!!!.........Am I smart now?

BrainGirl: Haha, haha, haha...no.

Dumboy: *snaps* Darn.

BrainGirl: Don't worry, The Boy Who Lived isn't very smart either.

TBWL: *staggers over to them* Whaaaaa?

BrainGirl: Nothing!! Nothing!! Nothing at all!! We weren't...oh look, a flying goldfish. *points up*

Dumboy: *gasps* Oh my Chocolate Frogs!!! Look!!! *points to a tree* A Death Eater!!! Die!!!! *jumps at the tree with wand raised*

BrainGirl: *blinks* Um...Dumboy? That's a tree.

Dumboy: *hexes the tree* What? No, it's not!!

BrainGirl: Yes, it is!

Dumboy: No, it's not!!! *hexes the tree again*

Death Eater: *raises an eyebrow* Um...excuse me...*turns to BrainGirl* Is he mentally stable?

BrainGirl/TBWL: No.

Death Eater: That's what I thought.

BrainGirl: Well, you thought right, sir. *nods*

Dumboy: Augh!!! Stupid Death Eater!!! Noooooo!! *continually hexes the tree*

BrainGirl: Dumboy! Dumboy!! Stop it, you're going to kill the tree!!! Dumboy!!! STOP IT, YOU IDIOT!!!!! CAN'T YOU SEE YOU'RE GOING TO KILL IT, STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!

Dumboy: *stops* Owwie, that hurt my ears!!

BrainGirl: You idiot!!! *lunges at him* Stupid!!

Dumboy: Ouch!!

BrainGirl: *punches him in the balls*

Dumboy: OW!!! *stops moving and goes limp*

BrainGirl: *jumps up and slowly backs away* Oh my God, I think I've killed him!

TBWL: *leaning against a tree reading a news paper* Is that really crucial to the plot, to say 'oh my God, I think I've killed him' in every scene?

BrainGirl: Yes! It is the will - *looks up to heaven* - of God. *dramatic pause* *notices TBWL's paper* Where'd you get the paper?

TBWL: *nods over to the Death Eater* Borrowed it. From him. Nice fellow, actually.

BrainGirl: *hisses* The Boy Who Lived, he's a Death Eater! Have you gone mad?

TBWL: Already was.

BrainGirl: Already was what?

TBWL: Mad. *returns to reading the paper*

BrainGirl: *frustrated* Tell me something I don't know!

TBWL: *looks up from paper* Well, for one thing, you didn't kill Dumboy.

BrainGirl: What? *whirls around*

Dumboy: *groans* Oh...oh my...oh my....Oh my flaming...oh my freaking flaming balls....Oh my God....

BrainGirl: Oh, I didn't kill him. What a shame. C'mon, let's go back to the castle. It's boring out here.

Scene 3 - Setting: Once again, the trio Gryffindor common room. Dumboy limps in, his hands on his...pants.

Dumboy: Oh, purple nuts, purple nuts....*sits down in a chair* Ah...ouch! Ooooh! Eeehh!!!

BrainGirl: Honestly, Dumboy, why are you even moaning? There's nothing there to hurt.

Dumboy: Ouc - you've got a point.

BrainGirl: Precisely. I always have a point.

Dumboy: Where?

BrainGirl: What do you mean, where?

Dumboy: Where do you always have a point?

BrainGirl: *slaps self on the forehead* Geez, Dumboy, is it possible for you to get any dumber?

Dumboy: Ummmm...I dunno. Maybe. If I play more video games, heehee.

TBWL: Only Muggles have video games.

BrainGirl: *rolls her eyes and pulls out a book; begins to read*

TBWL: *burps loudly* I shouldn't have had those fifteen chili dogs last night!!!

BrainGirl: Not this conversation again!! Next thing you know, instead of burping, you'll be -

TBWL: *farts*

BrainGirl: - fa...r...ting....*pinches nose* Oh my gosh, TWBL, that smells!!!

TBWL: *shrugs* Nothing personal.

BrainGirl: Honestly!!! You boys with your...with your farting, and your...your burping...and you damn purple balls!!! *faces Dumboy* Your nuts can't be purple, because you don't have any!!! Just...just stop!!!! *picks up her bag and leaves*

Dumboy: That time of the month?

TBWL: *sighs* That time of the month. *unfolds his newspaper*

Dumboy: Hey, whatcha readin'?

TBWL: *sighs again* A newspaper, genius. Hey, look, there's an ad here! It says there could be a ball at Hogwarts this Christmas!!

Dumboy: Cool!! I wonder who I could take!! Um...not you....You're a boy...and I'm not gay...I don't think...*thinks a long time*

Three...hours...later...

Dumboy: Aha!! I could take Hermione!! She's a girl!!

TBWL: *wakes up and snorts* Hmm?

Dumboy: I could take Hermione!!! She's a girl!!!

TBWL: Acute observation, Einstein.

Dumboy: Oh...thanks.

TBWL: Don't you know sarcasm when you hear it?

Dumboy: Ummm...no.

TBWL: That's what I thought. *looks at the newspaper* Hey, this was last year's paper!

Dumboy: Oh, man! Does that mean Hermione's not a girl?

TBWL: No, it doesn't!!! Hermione's a girl, can't you tell? *looks dreamy* Hermione's...a...girl! Ooh, and a very hot girl at that. Too bad I'm already in love with Redhead.

Dumboy: Duh!!...Wait. Redhead's my sister!! You can't fall in love with her!!

TBWL: Shut up. Why don't you go make yourself useful and play with a stapler?

Dumboy: Stapler? What's a stapler? Oh yeah, isn't it a Muggle thingamabob that keeps things together using a metal...thingy?

TBWL: That would be a stapler. Here. *throws one to Dumboy*

Dumboy: Coolio!!!

TBWL: Coolio? What kind of dumb word is coolio?

Dumboy: The kind of dumb word I say!

TBWL: That would explain it.

Dumboy: Coolio!! *snaps the stapler* Ooooh, pretty noise!!! Heehee!

TBWL: That should keep you interested for a while. *absentmindedly listens to Dumboy; yawns and stretches, then checks his watch* Hmmm, it's almost noon. Lunch. Care to join me?

Dumboy: No, I think I'll just play with this platsler.

TBWL: You do that. *leaves for lunch*

Dumboy: Heehee!!! *stapler snaps* Oooh, haha!!

Half an hour later...BrainGirl is down in the common room, reading a very thick book. The door opens and TBWL enters.

TBWL: *enters the common room with a very big belly, a mashed potato beard, and cranberry-stained robes* Mmm...they had a lot of food....Like mashed potatoes, and turkey, and lamb, and pudding...and pudding, and mashed potatoes, and....I think I must have eaten half the school's food.

Dumboy: *drops the stapler* Santa!

TBWL: What? Where? *looks around wildly*

Dumboy: There!! *points at TBWL*

TBWL: Me?

Dumboy: Yeah, you!!! Durh, Santa!!!

TBWL: I'm not Santa, it's me you idiot, The Boy Who Lived.

Dumboy: Oh. Darn. *picks up the stapler and snaps it* Ha ha, playing with the tapsler is fun!!

BrainGirl: *impatiently* It's a stapler, Dumboy.

Dumboy: Whatever the hell the thing's called. Heehee! Playing with the stapler is fun!! *accidentally staples himself in the hand* Ouch!! That really hurt!! *staples hand again* Ouch!! Ouch!!! Now...now....Ow! Now I have to remove them from my hand....*pulls out the staples* Ouch!! Oh my God!!! God, help me!! I'm going to die...*sees the blood on his hand* Cool!! It's red!!

BrainGirl: *without looking up from her book* What color did you expect it to be?

Dumboy: Pink.

BrainGirl: Considering it's you we're talking about, I can see how you'd think that.

Dumboy: Um...is that a compliment? Ouch!!

BrainGirl: *rolls her eyes* No. The Boy Who Lived, did you tell Dumboy to play with the stapler?

TBWL: What? Oh...well ya know, it wasn't just me....Er, Marshmallow told me to!!!

Marshmallow: Mrrow?? Mooo!!! Hiss!!! *pounces on TBWL*

TBWL: *pushes Marshmallow off* Ouch! You stupid cat!! Okay, okay, I admit it, Marshmallow had nothing to do with it! Really!! It's all my fault!! *bursts into tears*

Dumboy: Oh. *staples his hand again* OUCH!!! OUCH!!!!!!!! I WANT MY MUMMY!!!! SANTA, HELP ME!!!!!!

TBWL: *hiccups* I'm not Santa. Holy crap, I need to take a shower.

BrainGirl: Then take one. No one's stopping you, especially not me. You smell.

TBWL: Fine. *goes up to his dorm to shower*

BrainGirl: Good. He left.

Dumboy: *writhes on the floor* Oh God, oh God, please help me...I'm dying...

BrainGirl: Oh, nuts. *shines a flashlight in his eyes*

Dumboy: *gasps dramatically* I...I'm dying! I see the light....I...an angel...an angel with bushy brown hair is guiding me toward the light....

BrainGirl: Oh, you little drama queen. *shuts off the light, grips Dumboy's hair, and makes him look into her eyes* It's me, BrainGirl, and I'm shining a light into your freaking eyes so I can see if -

Dumboy: OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! It's not an angel!!!!!! *goes limp*

BrainGirl: *gasps* Oh my God, I think I've killed him. Oh well, he's no loss. *kicks him under the couch* La la la....Ah, nice and quiet without The Boy Who Lived and Dumboy. La la la....*begins to read*

Dumboy: *coughs*

BrainGirl: What was that?

Dumboy: *coughs again* Hello? Hello? Hello?

BrainGirl: Hello?

Dumboy: Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello?

BrainGirl: That's weird. Sounds like an echo in here.

Dumboy: Help!!!

BrainGirl: No, the echo doesn't need help....But the echo does sound a lot like - *gasps and races over to the couch and pulls Dumboy out* Dumboy, are you okay?

Dumboy: *shoves his bloody hand in her face* Does this look okay to you? DOES THIS LOOK OKAY TO YOU???!!!???!!!???!!!

BrainGirl: No, calm down, it's okay, don't worry. *grabs her wand and heals his hand* Ouch, that must have hurt.

Dumboy: It did. A lot.

TBWL: *comes down to the common room, toweling his hair dry and wearing a bathrobe* What's going on?

BrainGirl: Nothing. Now's the time to say what our lessons were.

TBWL: Lessons...? I thought we had a day off.

BrainGirl: *stands up* We did, you idiot. Or, we do. But we learned some important lessons.

Dumboy: *stands up too* We did?

BrainGirl: Yes, we did. The Boy Who Lived, care to start?

TBWL: Sure, why not? Ahem...Never talk (or run into) a tree you don't know.

BrainGirl: Never get distracted from an evil Death Eater so they can capture you, take you to Lord Voldemort, put you in a cage, and leave you there to die. Or they'll just steal your mind. *looks at Dumboy*

Dumboy: Hey, don't look at me!! I lost my mind years ago!!

BrainGirl: *rolls her eyes* If you happen to come across a Death Eater, never offer him a box of cookies. He'll take the whole thing and run.

TBWL: And don't steal his newspaper, either. *gasps as the Death Eater that he stole the paper from earlier appears behind him and takes the paper back* He'll...er...just take it back...

Dumboy: And always take safety precautions when playing with a stapler!

BrainGirl: Well said, Dumboy! That was pretty intelligent for a boy of seventeen with an I.Q. of four!

Dumboy: *shyly* Thanks.

Marshmallow: Mooo!!! Quack quack!!

BrainGirl: Oh yes, and Marshmallow says that....Um, never mind, it cannot be disclosed to the general public...heh heh...

Dumboy: Why not?

BrainGirl: Because it concerns the sanity of two certain people in this room...(cough) you and me (cough)...

Dumboy: What'd she say?

BrainGirl: He.

Dumboy: What'd he say?

BrainGirl: *blushes and whispers* He says you should ask me out.

Dumboy: Oh, okay. Will you go out with me?

BrainGirl: *blink* Are you serious?

Dumboy: No, I'm Dumboy.

BrainGirl: *rolls her eyes* So, you're serious.

Dumboy: Yup.

BrainGirl: Then...yes.

Dumboy: Really?

BrainGirl: Yes!

Dumboy: *gasps* I have a girlfriend!!! *hugs her*

TBWL: Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. Ahem. AHEM!!!!!

Dumboy/BrainGirl: *break apart* What?

TBWL: Okay, you lovebirds, let's end this son of a gun...

Dumboy: What?

TBWL: Let's blow this pop stand...

BrainGirl: What are you talking about?

TBWL: Let's -

BrainGirl: SHUT UP!!!!!

Dumboy: Yes, let's.

TBWL: Is this damn thing ever going to end?

BrainGirl: *gasp* Language, language!!! Such vulgar language nowadays!

TBWL: Hey, you said it yourself.

BrainGirl: Did not!
TBWL: Yes, you did!

BrainGirl: When?

TBWL: Over four hours ago!!!

BrainGirl: I did...wow, that was a rather long time ago, wasn't it?

TBWL: Not...really.

Dumboy: *jumps around like a rabid grasshopper* Hey!! Hey!! Don't forget about me!! About me!!! Hello!!! Don't forget about meeeee!!!

TBWL: *turns to Dumboy and raises and eyebrow* I thought you had a hangover.

Dumboy: *sits down* I did?

TBWL: Don't you remember...?

Dumboy: No.

TBWL: Oh...never mind. *turns to BrainGirl* Whaddya think we do know?

BrainGirl: We end this.

TBWL: How?

BrainGirl: I dunno.

TBWL: Well....

Dumboy: BrainGirl, there's something I need to tell you...

To be continued....

Next time on the Fantastic Four Three....We see (and hear) more from Marshmallow and meet an old enemy - the positively evil Draco Idiotus!!

A/N: This is based off a play myself and three other students did in fifth grade. The original version is at http://www.freewebs.com/fantastic_four4 if you would like to read it. Of course, I had to tweak it a little bit to make it more...interesting, age-appropriate, and of course, Harry Potter. This is just a stupid little spur of the moment. Heh heh, another somewhat funny yet stupid story. Please review!!!