The Ron Weasley Show

Ron Weasley sits in a comfortable chair, holding a mug of coffee in his lap, ready to being his game show. Suddenly...

Some guy: Ron, we're on in 5, 4, 3, 2...

The guy gives the signal to start.

Ron (surprised): Oh! Um... Hello, and welcome to The Ron Weasley Show! Today's topic is... You Can't Win! Now, please meet our special guests: Harry Potter and Hermione Granger!

The audience applauds as Hermione and Harry enter and sit down.

Ron: Okay, do you know what time it is?

Harry and Hermione look confused.

Ron: It's time for...

Audience: You can't win!

Ron: First question: What do pig's feet and lizard claws have in common?

Hermione buzzes.

Ron: Yes?

Hermione: They're both mushrooms?

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Ron: Correct!

Harry: But I thought this was You Can't Win?

Ron: Sorry Harry, that was last week, this week's topic is...

Ron and audience: Harry Can't Win!

Harry (confused): What do you mean I can't win?

Ron: Hush, hush, now... for our next question! Many people think about it, but only few go through with it... what is it?

Harry (buzzes): I know!

Ron: Yes?

Harry: Write a book?

Ron: Sorry, but remember...

Audience: Harry Can't Win!

Harry: What? That's preposterous!

Ron: Ms. Granger?

Hermione: Um... write a book?

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Ron: Correct!

Harry: But--

Ron: Don't worry, you'll get your turn. Next question: Most Americans walk a mile every year doing this, what is it?

Harry (buzzes): I know this one!

Ron: Sorry, but remember...

Audience: Harry Can't Win!

Ron: So... Ms. Granger, do you have an answer?

Hermione: Is it: make their beds?

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Ron: Correct!

The audience laughs as Harry goes into a nervous breakdown.

Harry: This isn't right! This is not right!

Ron: Security!

Security grabs Harry and straps him down to his chair.

Ron: Okay! Let's move on! Next question: what four-legged animal goes: bark, bark?

Harry (forgets to buzz): I know it! It's a dog!

Ron: Sorry Harry, but remember...

Audience: Harry Can't Win!

Harry screams shrilly.

Hermione (covering her ears): God, I used to talk like THAT?

Ron whispers the spell "Silencio" and Harry shuts up till HE shuts up on his own!

Ron: Moving on... our final question: what is the first letter of the alphabet?

Harry breaks free of the straps and runs around waving his arms crazily.

Harry: It's a, a, a, a, a, a, aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron (trying to calm Harry down): I'm sorry, but remember...

Audience (on cue): Harry Can't Win!

Hermione (buzzes and screams over the noise): Is it 'a'?

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Ron: Correct, Ms. Granger... you win to... get out of here before it gets any worse!

Hermione first looks at Harry, then at the laughing audience, finally at Ron, and runs away as fast as she can. Then Harry starts running after Ron. Ron starts running around the stage, trying hopelessly to end his game show and get away from Harry safely.

Ron (glancing at the crazy Harry, holding the microphone to his lips): This is Ron Weasley from The Ron Weasley Show, finishing up with our topic this week on...

Audience: Harry Can't Win!

Ron (still running fearfully away from Harry): Yeah, what they said and next week's topic will be...

And before the audience could say a word, Harry speaks up.

Harry (focusing himself on catching Ron): Next week's topic will be... Ron Can't Win!

Ron and Harry both scream and run out of the studio, Ron coming back only to say a few words.

Ron: Thanks for listening to this week's show have a nice--

And you don't want to know what happened next...