Stronger Than I Am

It's another Saturday morning and I sit here on the couch drinking my morning coffee. My daughter plays with her dolls quietly and listens to the morning children's program on the wireless. To her, it's another Saturday morning that she can play with mommy all day. On any other normal Saturday morning that would be true.

Things around here haven't changed much

It's all pretty much the same stuff day after day

But today isn't a normal day. Today is the day that an anniversary I wish I never had to celebrate falls on. I still can't believe it's been two years. Seems like ten some days. However long they seem, they still have been rough on the two of us. Not as hard on her as me, I think. She hardly knew her father before he died; she was only three at the time. She doesn't remember the joy that she brought to him or the fact that she was the happiest thing in his young life.

I remember how it was back then. We were a happy family, the three of us. They were the center of my life. They formed a comforting circle around my being. And when Harry died, that circle broke and my world fell apart. I didn't want to go on living without him.

The only thing that keeps me going

Seems to be our baby girl I'm trying to raise

I couldn't bear to look at her after he died. She reminded me so much of him so much that I would cry just looking into those identical green eyes.

I think the thickest thing I ever did was sending her off to live with her grandmother for awhile while I moped around the house. All I did was lie in our bed and cry for him. Nothing else mattered in my life now that Harry was gone. I honestly wanted to die. But then my mum dropped my little angel back off at home to spend the day with me because she kept asking to see her mommy.

I will always remember that day: the changing point in my life.

My little girl crawled onto the bed with me and wiped the tears from my eyes. She said "Don't cry mummy. Papa's in heaven. He can see his mummy and daddy now."

I just cried harder and pulled my baby's little red head closer to me. She was right. It took the innocence of my then three year old to make me realize that Harry was at peace now. He would never want me to cry about him, he would want me to live on for the two of us.

And now, she's my whole world.

She's my life, my morning star

I smile at the bittersweet memory and take another sip of my coffee. I blink the faint teardrops from my eyes and turn to watch my daughter still playing quietly on the floor.

Lately she's been so busy growin'

She doesn't need no one holding her hand

I can't believe that she is five years old already. And she's looking like her father a little more every day. Her piercing green eyes, that cute little nose and even that shy smile that slowly spreads across her little face when she's up to no good; they're so much like her father's.

So much like her old man

Everything about her reminds me of Harry. Everything except that bright reddish/orange hair she inherited from me. I still laugh when I remember Harry's first reaction to seeing that vivid mop of hair on her head when she was born. He called her a true Weasley. But even with that fiery hair, she is still her father's daughter, making mischief whenever possible, and always running around with a smile on her face. The two of them could really make me laugh even when I was trying to be stern.

She still says she loves her daddy

Goes on like nothing happened

And I hate to admit that she's stronger than I am

She says she misses and loves her papa every now and then, and asks me if I miss and love him still too. I tell her I will always love her father as much as I love her. She then throws her arms around my neck and says "Good!" The first time she ever did that my eyes filled with tears. She still could talk about him as if he never really died.

She's just like her old man

Stronger than I am

I slowly come back from memory lane and gaze lovingly at my little morning star. She looks so happy playing there that I realize I can't let her become sad today because I'm the only one who remembers what day it is. Harry wouldn't want either of us to be unhappy today. I drink the last of my coffee and whisk the cup away over to the sink.

"Hey, sweetie," I call to her, "How about we go to the burrow to see Grandpa and Grandma today, how does that sound?"

Her little green eyes light up with excitement. "Really?"

"Really." I say smiling down at her.

"Yeah!" she yells running and jumping into my arms. "Can I play with the gnomes and Uncle Fred and George?"

I giggle. "I suppose."

She throws her little arms around my neck. "I love you mommy."

"I love you too my little Lily."