The Ultimate Power: From the Ashes

Take a good look at me now
Do you still recognise me
Am I so different inside
This world is trying to change me
And I admit I don't want to change with it
And I admit I can't go on like this anymore

Erase this monster I've become
Forgive me for all the damage done
It's not over
Say it's not over
I'm begging for mercy
I'm only the monster you made me

Because who I am
Isn't who I used to be
And I'm not invincible
I'm not indestructible
I'm only human
Can't you see
The beauty in me

Take a good look at me now
Can't you see I've changed

-Pop Evil (Monster You Made)

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Monster You Made

December, 2000

Remus smiled around the large table at the various Order members. The soft candle light of the room glinted off the plates and sparkling water glasses and he couldn't help but think that it was peaceful, even if there was a war going on. Everyone around him smiled and joked and laughed and there was an odd sense of home that lingered around each one of them.

As he watched, he caught sight of a few hands disappearing below the tabletop and the floor vibrated with rhythmic thumbs beneath his feet. Remus sighed and tried to hide his grin.

"Remus, dear," Molly called from a few seats away, "how is work going for you?"

"It's fine, actually," he answered with a nod. "I might even manage to last another few months. The owners of the shop are an elderly couple and they tend to be fairly understanding."

"Where is you're working again, Remus?" Kingsley asked.

He shrugged and replied, "Just a small Muggle second-hand shop. Nothing too extremely upmarket."

As various people began debating the good points about such shops versus the not so good ones, Remus felt a warm pressure on his knee and glanced down. Paddy's grey eyes stared up at him happily and Remus smiled again as he began to scratch behind her ear. She had become an expected member to the Order meetings over the past few weeks in which Remus always stayed for dinner at Molly's request. The dog was loved and she was fed, though secretly, every member fearful of the elder Weasley woman's wrath. No one but Remus seemed to notice that Molly's hand disappeared below the table more often than anyone else's.

Holli, in turn, was happier than Remus had seen this new version of her. Though disguised as Remus' pet, not only was she able to attend Order meetings and feel as though she was a faint part of the war effort once more, but she was also able to see those people she cared about. Holli held a slight glow about her now that Remus couldn't help but smile about. Things were looking better, and Remus was optimistic.

Hours later, after all the food had disappeared and goodnights had been said, Holli and Remus found themselves in the back garden at Speranza, the moonlight shining off of the white ground. "Ron looks happy, doesn't he?" Holli called excitedly, bounding through the snow with more energy than Remus was able to keep up with.

"He does," Remus agreed with a small smile.

"It's nice to see that," she continued. "I'd always worried that he'd be the end to his own self or something like that, the way his mouth runs ahead of him."

Remus snorted in amusement as his eyes tracked the woman. "Don't count that out yet," he insisted. "There's still time for him to do just that."

Holli hummed as she grinned and kicked at a pile of snow enthusiastically. Remus watched the powder spread through the air as it floated back down to dust the ground lightly and swatted his own pile of white flakes off a nearby bench. He seated himself gently and wrapped his cloak tighter around his chest as his eyes followed Holli's movements around the frozen area. There was something they needed to discuss, but Remus thought it best to wait until all of Holli's excess energy was expended before doing so. It was less dangerous that way. Remus was more than capable of waiting.

"And Ginny!" Holli cried. "She's in a relationship and he seems like a nice enough bloke from what I've heard so far. It's just..." She trailed off and collapsed down next to Remus, not even bothering to knock the snow away, something Remus thought would become rather unpleasant for her in a short amount of time. "Everything's changing and it's wonderful, that they're happy, I mean. I just feel as though everywhere I look, time is speeding by, but I'm standing still." Holli shoved her cloth covered hands into the pockets of her cloak and glanced up at Remus. "Is it wrong for me to be jealous of that?"

Remus gazed at her sympathetically. "No, it isn't," he murmured. "In all honesty, in your situation, I think I'd be surprised if you didn't feel like that." He nibbled the inside of his cheek idly as he thought. "Nothing about this is normal, but I should think that such a feeling would be common." He shrugged his shoulders, partially for the hope of some added warmth, but mostly just for something to do. "I've always had a bit of a similar feeling. Then again, however, I've also always simply been happy being able to be a part of my loved ones joy, even if it has only been from the outside."

"I don't think you've been on the outside, Remus," Holli told him seriously. "You're a very large part of everyone's life."

Remus merely shrugged again and Holli grudgingly allowed the subject to be dropped. Her eyes travelled around the garden enclosure as her shoulders hunched up around her neck happily and she kicked her feet out before her. "I love it here," she commented. "It's so beautiful and peaceful." Remus smiled and hummed in agreement. "I can't believe you ever agreed to leave just because of me."

"Of course I did," Remus said in surprise. "Why wouldn't I? Hermione came to me and said she needed help and then I found out it was for you. I would have agreed in less time than it takes a heart of beat. I basically did." His words were greeted with nothing more than a small smile from Holli and Remus decided that this was probably his best - and only, more than likely - chance to bring the subject up. "You need to apologise to her, Holli."

Holli exhaled a heavy sigh. "I know," she agreed and Remus' eyes widened in surprise. She glanced up at him and her smile turned sheepish. "Didn't expect that, did you?" She chuckled slightly as Remus settled his eyebrows back down in their rightful places. "I know I hurt Hermione when I said what I did. I didn't actually mean what I said to her. Not so severely, at least."

"Then why did you say it at all?" Remus asked softly.

"Because I was angry and bitter and frustrated. I'm still all those thing, but it's better now," she replied, shifting uncomfortably on the snow. "I'm out of that miserable old cottage and in a place I actually like, for one. I can actually roam a bit and for the first time in years, I feel as though I have some semblance of freedom. And I get to see people I care about and feel as though I'm actually a part of their lives again, even if it is only as a pet, and it's just...better."

"Well, if it means anything," Remus commented lightly, "you make a lovely pet." Holli snorted in amusement and rolled her eyes, but made no form of reply. "So you'll apologise to Hermione, then?"

Holli sighed, watching as her breath misted in front of her face. "Yes, Remus. I'll apologise to Hermione if you can get her over here." Her eyes glinted as they turned to look at him and Remus' stomach twisted. "On one condition, that is."

"And that would be?" asked Remus warily.

Holli grinned as she stood and grabbed his arm. "You, Mr. Lupin, have to come and play in the snow with me," she told him giddily. "This house pet has more energy than she can contain."

Remus released a breathy laugh. "I think I can manage that," he answered, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and dragged across the snow covered garden.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Remus arranged for Hermione to talk with Holli the following week. One evening, just as the sun was falling towards the grey horizon, there was a soft knock on the front door and Holli shot up from the sofa as Remus raised himself to answer the door. As he made his way across the living room, Holli remained where she was, fidgeting with antsy nervousness in her place.

Remus turned to her a moment before he reached the door and murmured, "Relax, Holli. Everything will be all right."

Holli didn't quite agree. She had no idea how she was going to show Hermione that she was truly sorry after all the horrible things she had said. All she wanted to do in that moment was turn around and run. Run until she reached the edge of the Earth and then keep going until she flew and never had to look back; never had to worry about hurting anyone ever again, but when she tried to move, she couldn't. She was frozen in place, like a silent, tense statue. And then it didn't matter at all because Remus was opening the door and Hermione was walking in, arms crossed tightly over her chest and face impassive.

"Erm...'Lo, Hermione," Holli greeted hesitantly. Hermione made no move to respond, and seeing Remus' nod from behind the other woman, Holli inhaled a deep, steadying breath, and began to apologise. "Look, Hermione, I - I'm sorry for what I said to you. It was cruel, and more than a bit pointless. I just -" Holli stopped briefly and clicked her nails together as she attempted to arrange her thoughts. "I was just so angry. I felt as though I was being held prisoner by my own friend and it was...horrible. I just wanted out and I was willing to do anything, say anything to get it." Holli glanced up at the other woman pleadingly. "I am sorry, Hermione."

Hermione continued to stare, her gaze stony and filled with ice. Holli glanced back at Remus in silent question, wondering if she'd said something wrong, or hadn't apologised quite as effectively as she had thought, but Remus merely shrugged, taking a step up behind Hermione.

"Hermione, did you -?"

"I don't think you are," Hermione finally said, ignoring Remus.

Holli gaped at her. "W-what?"

"I don't think you're sorry," Hermione explained. "I think everything you just said is a load of rubbish."

"I - " Holli began before she cut herself off and started again. "Hermione, no. I meant what I said."

"Really?" Hermione asked sharply, finally uncrossing her arms and withdrawing something from her pocket. "Then explain this." She threw something down on the coffee table in front of Holli. "I went back to the cottage last night, intending to clear the rest of your things out of it and bring them to you tonight. I had barely started, however, when I stumbled upon that. It fell out of one of those old books you had lying about."

The object was small and faded brown, and when Holli leaned forward to pick it up, she found that it was a folded piece of parchment. As she unfolded the scrap, she saw it was quite old, with deep creases at the folds. Holli's eyes scanned over what was written on the parchment, and as she realised what it was, her heart dropped and settled in the pit of her stomach like a lead weight. Holli swallowed thickly as she looked back up at Hermione, her mouth working soundlessly, unable to form words under Hermione's cold gaze.

"How dare you?" Hermione hissed, angrier than Holli had ever seen her before. "You have the nerve to tell me what a horrible, despicable person I am; tell me how much of a wretched friend I am, and the entire time, you're sitting on this?"

"What -?" Remus tried to ask, but Hermione continued, speaking over him.

"All this time, you've known," she accused. "You've known for I don't even know how long and you've never seen fit to tell me? How dare you ever pass judgment on me?"

"Hermione, please let me explain!" Holli begged.

Hermione closed her eyes tightly, as though trying to block out the sound of Holli's voice. "No!" she shouted. "No, I will not allow you to explain or make me understand because there is no excuse! Do you have any idea how many people are dying while we flounder around and try to track these things down? Do you know how many people you've sacrificed because you were trying to prove some sort of point?" Hermione's nose twisted up in disgust. "You're the horrible person, Holli, not me. I would have never done something like this."

She turned on her heel and attempted to storm towards the door, but Remus grabbed her shoulders and held her back. "Hermione, just wait," he told her. "It can't possibly be as bad as you're making it out to be."

Hermione huffed and pulled herself free on Remus' hands. "You have no idea what she's done, do you, Remus?" she asked softly, her eyes turning hard again as she glanced back in Holli's direction.

Remus' brow furrowed as he switched his gaze to Holli as well. Her eyes closed and she allowed her head to drop in shame as she thought about what was written on the parchment. Remus turned his attention back to Hermione, his eyes puzzled.

"She knows what the last Horcrux is, the one that Dumbledore never figured out," Hermione explained and Remus' eyes widened in surprise. "And she knows where it is."

Remus' mouth dropped open in astonishment. "That is - that's - " he began excitedly before trailing off as the previous conversation returned to his mind. He turned to Holli and stared at her with horror-filled eyes as Hermione continued on her way to the door.

"I'm going to tell Harry," she announced before she walked out of the house, the door closing harder than was necessary behind her.

Holli was left alone with Remus, and at that moment, she didn't know if that was better or worse. The man continued to stare at her, his head shaking slightly from side to side as though trying to argue with himself that it wasn't true. Holli swallowed again and waited, the last remnants of light from the setting sun shining through the windows.

Remus' mouth opened, but no sound emerged and it took him a few tries before he was able to form words. "You kept that to yourself?" he whispered, disbelieving. His head shook again, more forcefully this time. "You - you would never do something like that." His eyes locked on Holli's again and he looked torn. "Would you?"

Holli felt her lips tremble. "Remus -" His mouth twisting into a wry smile stopped her words and she felt her heart sink even more.

"Why is it," he began solemnly, "every time I think you're actually getting better, improving, returning to some semblance of your old self, you twist it all around and prove me completely wrong?" His eyes slid closed slowly as his expression turned sad. "Two steps forward, fifty back," he murmured before he walked out of the room.

"Remus," Holli called desperately, but he didn't turn back, he didn't even pause. Her chest heaved as she tried to control her breathing and her voice broke as she tried to call him again, the name coming out as nothing more than a whispered word. "Remus." Her knees gave out beneath her and she fell to the sofa, threading her fingers through her hair and pressing her chest against her thighs. "I'm sorry," she murmured to no one in particular and every single person in the world. "I am so sorry."

The last bit of light disappeared from the room as the sun sank below the horizon, and Holli was left alone, nothing but silence and darkness for company.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A/N: Hullo, lovelies! Long time has been long, yes? I'm so very sorry everyone has had to wait so very long for this, I've just been busy with other things and haven't had much time for TUP. To all those who have waited patiently, however, I thank you very much and hope that you will take my peace offering. Updates will be coming again now. Probably not as often as they were before, but I'm aiming for at least once a month! And, as always, thanks to the ever wonderful easleyweasley for the wonderful and quick beta job!

As a side note, if there are any readers out there who are interested in Remus/Sirius, check out the R/S Games on Livejournal. Read through the entries as they're posted and see if you can pick out which one's mine! ^_^