Harry Potter and the City of Angels

               Harry Potter and the City of Angels:
             Filks fom the musical "City of Angels"

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I. This is a parody of the song "All You Have To Do
   Is Wait", from the Larry Gelbart musical "City of Angels".

        All You Have To Do Is Wait

Scene: (Harry Potter has just entered the Chamber of
Secrets, and Tom Marvolo Riddle is gloating.)

Riddle:     Well met, Harry! Come on down!
                I just knew this was going to be my lucky day.
                *Mwahaha*

                You came sliding down the pipes;
                And the tunnel was too dark.
                Then you spoke in Parseltongue
                And the serpent door was sprung.
                Thus you came into my park.
                Yes, this Chamber is a trap;
                Weasley's sister was the bait.
                I am in complete control;
                I will suck out Ginny's soul.
                All we have to do is wait.

                Tom Marvolo Riddle is not my name,
                It was just a con game,
                Harry. You gave such delicious sport.
                My old identity was just a sham;
                It was an anagram.
                I proclaim, "I am Lord Voldemort!"

                'Twasn't really my idea.
                It was one of Malfoy's plots.
                He'd pretend to vent his spleen;
                He would really make a scene
                Down at old Flourish and Blotts.
                'Twas a simple matter then,
                Arthur Weasley to berate.
                As that Mudblood-Lover shook,
                Stuck my diary in her book.
                All we had to do was wait.

                One little question! Why you never died
                When I tried for the kill.
                Avada Khedavra! Strongest curse around.
                Should put you underground at my will.
                How you escaped my magic
                Was nothing short of tragic.
                Yes! I see now what was the counter-charm;
                To save you from harm, Lily bought the farm.

                As we make ready to fight,

Harry:       Do we really have to fight?

Riddle:      You have nothing in your hand.

Harry:       I believe you have my wand.

Riddle:      This time it will end in death;
                You will draw your final breath
                 No more tricks, you understand?

Harry:       Yes, I clearly understand.

Riddle:      Any progeny of Slytherin's race is
                 On a first name basis, "Salazar!"

Harry:       "Salazar?"

Riddle:      Behold the Heir.

Harry:       Are you the Heir?

Riddle:      As I seal the Chamber door,
                Think of me who sealed your fate.
                Once the Basilisk arrives
                From his gaze no one survives.

Harry:       All I have to do is wait?

Riddle:      All we have to do is wait.
                We shall see who has more weight!

(Tom Riddle and Harry prepare to do battle.)

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II. This filk is a parody of "Lost and Found", from
     the Larry Gelbart musical "City of Angels".

        Take a Bath

Scene: Harry Potter, Hogwarts Champion for the
Tri-Wizard Tournament, is in the Prefects' Lavatory
with the Golden Egg in hand, but no idea what to do
with it. Moaning Myrtle, who haunts the plumbing at
Hogwarts-- and fancies Harry-- offers some advice.

Moaning Myrtle:

Dear Harry Potter, you've a puzzle to solve;
But that can wait until the bubbles dissolve.

Take a bath; take a bath.
Though he's a prig, Harry,
Listen to Diggory.
You gotta take a bath.

Well then, here are you, in the loo.

You are the Champion of Hogwarts School.
You have to do the Second Task
I beg you, Harry, slip into the pool.
Yes, all you had to do was ask!

Colored foam; steamy room;
Bouquet of sweet perfume.
You musn't be averse.
The Egg you must immerse.

And I can bathe with you!

We can soak; we can do the breaststroke.
Time will hurtle by with Moaning Myrtle
While we take that bath.

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III. This filk is based on "The Tennis Song" from the
     Larry Gelbart musical "City of Angels".

        Don't Go To the Ball With Viktor Krum

Scene: Ron confronts Hermione during the period
leading up to the Tri-Wizard Tournament Second Task,
before the Yule Ball.

Ron:              I saw that you were with Krum.
Hermione:      He was in the Library.
Ron:              So tell me why did he come?
Hermione:      Well, he came to talk to me.
                     He was working up courage to ask me a question.
Ron:              I bet it was really dumb!
Hermione:      I'll go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.

Ron:              It's just to make him join S.P.E.W.
Hermione:      No, he just wants to be nice.
Ron:              I can't agree with that view.
Hermione:      I can't accept your advice.
                     And the Tri-Wizard Tournament's purpose is friendship.
Ron:              I don't believe he is our chum.
                     Don't go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.

Hermione:      You don't treat me like a girl.
Ron:               I leave all that to "Vicky".
Hermione:      At least he treats me like a girl;
                     Can't afford to be picky.
Ron:              On that I quite concur.
Hermione:      Why don't you go ask Fleur?

Ron:              The Second Task will be rough.
                     I say our goal is to win.
Hermione:      I think you've said quite enough.
                     This competition is sin.
Ron:              I think you're being quite contrary
                     To work with that bum.
Hermione:      No, I'm for Harry.

Ron:              Then help him fathom that Egg.
Hermione:      Well, do you have any doubt?
Ron:              Harry should not have to beg.
Hermione:      And I think you shouldn't pout.
Ron:              Then you had best shake a leg.
                     You know that time's running out!

Ron:              I heard that you will visit him.
                     I'd like to tear him limb from limb.
Hermione:      You're far too grim;
                     I think you should keep mum.
                     Your complaints are wearing thin--
Ron:              He thinks your name is "Herm-Own-Ninny".

(As Duet)
Ron:              Don't go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.
Hermione:      I'll go to the Ball with Viktor Krum.

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IV. This filk is based on "You Can Always Count On Me"
     from the Larry Gelbart musical "City Of Angels".

        You Can Always Count On Me

(Neville laments his ineptitude as a wizard.)

I come from a long line of purebloods,
A scion of magical culture.
I had to be raised by my grandma,
Whose hat bore a stuffed vulture.
I got into Hogwarts,
You know, by the skin of my teeth.
I'm a wizard outside but I'm
Nearly a Squib underneath.

If you need a spell
To go all to hell
In a flash of light.
You can always count on me.
My potions all smell,
Snape wants to expel
Me. He could be right.
Who am I to disagree?
He said my Shrinking Solution
Should be orange, not green.
I guess that's what you get when you
Use an extra rat spleen.
I want to excel,
But cauldrons just melt on me out of spite
Dungeons fill with the debris.
You can always count on me.

A matter of fact.
My wizarding skills have been things of mirth.
You can always count on me.
Those powers I lacked;
I've been quite non-magical from my birth.
Black sheep of the family.
They dropped me from the window, and
I bounced into the road.
Great-Uncle Algie was so shocked
That he bought me a toad.
So Trevor's now mine;
A froggie is all they thought I was worth.
You can always count on me.

The passwords I lose;
I just have no memory, I assume.
You can always count on me.
There's many a snooze
I had to take outside the Common Room.
Shut out by the Fat Lady.
I made this little list, you see
Just so I could keep track.
So how was I supposed to know
It let in Sirius Black?
McGonagall won't
Say even one word, all she does is fume.
You can always count on me.

I'm bullied by Draco, who makes my blood boil.
He picks on me along with his two henchmen, Crabbe and Goyle.
Though Harry says that I'm worth twelve of him,
Yet, things have gone from bad to worse,
On me he cast "Leg-Locker" Curse.

Well, flying is out,
Yes, Madam Hooch found me out double-quick.
You can always count on me.
Though "up" I did shout,
I never quite managed to do that trick.
It was quite a sight to see.
I held my right hand over
It, I guess I must have missed.
I woke up dazed and bruised to find
That I fractured my wrist.
So there is no doubt,
I never could hold onto my broomstick.
Remembrall stuck up in a tree.
You can always count on--
Bet a large amount on--
You can always count on me!

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V. This filk is a parody of "It Needs Work", from the
     Larry Gelbart musical "City of Angels".

        It Must Work

Scene: Moaning Myrtle's Lavatory. Hermione is trying
to convince Harry and Ron (and herself) that it will
be safe and effective to take the Polyjuice Potion.
Moaning Myrtle just listens in silence.)

The dreaded Boomslang beast,
We'd shredded skin it shed after it was deceased.
We stole Snape's private stores,
The powdered horn of the Bicorn was there.
You have to listen, guys,
The Lacewing flies must stew for three full weeks, at least.
So, we'll delay this tryst until
The Christmas Feast.
It must work.

I wheedled Lockhart, Ron.
It paid off when I played into his vanity.
Signed the permission slip;
His ego trip was more than I could bear,
Restricted section-bound,
We found "Most Potente Potions" in the Library.
Its recipes were clear for anyone to see.
It must work.

We only have to add
A little "Goyle" in it,
A little "Crabbe" in it,
And some "Bulstrode" in it.
And since we put the best
Fruits of our toil in it,
We can't recoil from it,
Not if there be night soil in it.

Go to the Entrance Hall
And take these chocolate cakes up to the bannister.
I'm sure those greedy gits
Will gobble them to bits without a care.
So, if you want to flaunt your new-learned craft,
You'd better give those boys that sleeping draught.
You have to dare this task to get some of their hair.
You can't be shy; it's "Do or die!"
It must work.

We found old Mrs. Norris hanging by her tail.
And even worse, we thought that she had died.
When Argus Filch had seen her, he let out a wail.
But Dumbledore took him aside,
Said she was only petrified.

The writing on the wall;
The past has cast a blast of fear on one and all.
The Chamber opening,
And also warning "Enemies, beware!"
We've taken up the quest to stop this crime.
Since we've decided it's the proper time
To discover who is Salazar Slytherin's Heir.
Now hear me, boys, you can't be coy,
Or you will never fool Malfoy.
We've done our job, we'll trick that snob!
It must work.

(Harry and Ron, reluctant but persuaded, proceed with
their mission. After all her preparation, Hermione
has decided not to come along, for some reason.)

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