Tomorrow

A grin spreads across his face and he laughs, sending shockwaves through my heart. Why can't I make him laugh like that? Why can't I get one of those special smiles, reserved for those close to him?

My deepest desire is for him to stop thinking of me as Ron's little sister. I would even settle for a friendship like he had with Hermione. Anything but this indifference. It's like I don't even exist.

Sure, he says hello to me in the corridors, but in a brotherly sort of way, as if he were just checking up on me. I have enough brothers, I don't need another one. I need him.

If only he would look at me, just once, like I was someone special. But how? How could I possibly hope to gain the attention of the great Harry Potter?

The valentine I sent to him during my first year is an embarrassing memory. How could I have been so stupid? Mushy words and singing cupids are not the way to win him over, no matter what the girls in my dorm say. It might work on other boys, but not on him.

If only he knew just how much I love him. If only I could convey the true depth of my feelings. But what would I say? How could words possibly express what's in my heart? "I love you" hardly seems adequate.

I know he's preoccupied. All of the Champions are. I should leave him alone. But still, my heart feels weighed down, swollen with the feelings I'm holding inside. I think I may die from the pain, the sheer agony of knowing that he's within reach, and yet miles away.

If I tell him and he returns my feelings, I will be complete.

If I tell him and he pities me, I don't think I'll be able to bear it.

Indecision is eating away at me. It all comes down to the risk. Is it worth the broken heart? Is he worth it?

The answer in my heart is a resounding yes! And yet, the fear is still there, so tangible that I can almost taste it.

I could do it now. Just walk up to him, tell him I want to talk privately.

My legs won't move. My body isn't connected to my mind anymore. Fear overcomes me, and I sink back into my chair, hiding behind my book. A tear falls down my cheek and I push it away.

There's always tomorrow.

***

She used to be a little girl. Ron's sister. That's it. When did she grow up?

I can see her across the room, her nose in a book. The sunlight peeking through the window catches her hair, and it sets my heart on fire.

It's not supposed to be like this. What would Ron say if he knew? I've been hiding these feelings all year, ever since I saw her - I mean really saw her - on the train. If she were any other girl, I wouldn't be lying to Ron. If she were any other girl, I wouldn't have this fear of betraying my best friend.

But I don't want just any other girl. I want her.

She's become the reason I wake up in the morning. The reason I struggle through these Tasks. I would rather die than see disappointment in her eyes.

She used to worship me. Even Ron admitted it. And it was cute, something a child would do, a little girl in awe of her hero. But now... now she's indifferent. She practically ignores me in the corridors. I'll say hello just to get a smile, but does she know what I really want to say? Does she know that her mere presence consumes me? That I long to touch her hand, kiss her cheek? Shout from the highest tower that I love her more than life itself?

What if I just walk up to her and tell her? What would she say?

Is it too late? Have I sabotaged it by not recognizing her true worth until now? If I had paid more attention to her in the beginning, instead of just being flattered by her hero-worship, would things be different? Would I be sitting next to her, holding her hand, instead of sitting with Ron playing chess, distracted by her beauty?

How can I let her know what I'm feeling?

Just go. Tell her now. Blurt it out and feel the release.

What would Ron say? What would he do? Does it even matter?

I'm torn between my best friend and the only girl I've ever really loved. How can I choose? Why should I have to?

Maybe I should just let Ron punch me in the face and get it out of my system. At least then I wouldn't be hiding it from him anymore. Maybe eventually he'd even accept that I'm in love with his sister and I'd have a chance...

Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. I don't even know if she feels the same way. If I tell her how I feel and she looks at me with pity in her eyes, I wouldn't be able to stand it. My reason for being would be gone.

I know she's worth the risk. She's the most amazing girl I've ever known. She completes me. She makes me want to take another breath, keep on living.

I just have to find the courage. The irony doesn't escape me. I'm praised for my bravery in the face of danger, but the thought of baring my heart and soul to a beautiful girl strips it away, leaving me hovering behind my need for self-preservation.

I take a deep breath. I could do it now. Just walk over to her and tell her I want to talk.

Come on, Harry. Just do it.

Suddenly Ron calls my name. It's my move. Bloody chess game.

One last glance at her enchanting face.

Maybe tomorrow.

Fin