Harry Potter and the Awful Parody

Harry Potter and the Awful Parody

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The Preacher

The Death Eaters stirred, and Harry saw their eyes dart sideways at one another through their masks.

"He is at Hogwarts, that faithful servant, and it was through his efforts that our young friend arrived here tonight....

"Yes," said Voldemort, a grin curling his lipless mouth as the eyes of the circle flashed in Harry's direction. "Harry Potter has kindly joined us for my rebirthing party. One might go so far as to call him my guest of honor."

There was a silence. Then the Death Eater to the right of Wormtail stepped forward, and Lucius Malfoy's voice spoke from under the mask.

"Master, we crave to know...we beg you to tell us...how you have achieved this...this miracle...how you managed to return to us..."

::cue Organ Music.::

Voldie: (African American accent) Aaaaaah what a story that is, brother.

Lucius: My Lord?

::uneasy stirring in group::

Voldie: You heard me! I said what a story that is, and let me tell you, it ain't no happy one. And it begins and ends with our young friend here.

::waves hand in Harry's direction.::

::group stares in shock::

::Harry's mouth is hanging open::

Voldie: You know that they called this kid my downfall? Ever since that night in Godric's Hollow, I ain't been more than dust!

::shouts suddenly, scaring group::

Voldie: Dirt! Spirit and little ethereal bits! Do you know what that felt like friends?

::stamps his foot, making Nagini hiss::

Voldie: It was terrible! Terrible! And none of you came to my rescue! You are despicable! You lied, you cheated, you did all that normally good stuff, but you left me alone in that forest to die!

::spits at Lucius:: ::Lucius ducks:: ::Lucius misses::

Voldie: ::in preacher fashion:: Die! Die! All of you better pray and I mean Praaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to your gods that I don't kill you on the spot!

::Group nods to one another.:: ::gets into it::

All except Harry and Voldie: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamen!

Voldie: But I made it back, didn't I? I worked with Wormtail here and I got some blood and some of those other spell ingredients and I won.

All except Harry and Voldie: (repeating) Won.

Voldie: I was reeeeeeeborn!

Avery: ::in African American style:: You go, brother!

Voldie: I took some of Harry's blood here and I returned!

All except Harry and Voldie: (repeating) Returned.

Voldie: And now I'm back! And I'm gonna take them allllllllll down!

::cheers from mostly everyone:: ::Harry is absolutely mortified::

Lucius (To Nott): (muttering) He needs to lay off the espresso from now on.

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The Duel Scene

Voldemort: And now, before I kill you Harry, I have one last thing to tell you.

Harry: What's that?

Voldemort: Harry, I don't know how to break it to you...I'm not your father.

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--wait a sec....you're not?

Voldemort: No. Nor am I your grandfather, uncle, brother, sister, aunt, grandmother or time-turner son. I am not related to you in any way, shape or form.

Harry: Well...gee...that's ok with me, but there will be a lot of disappointed fans out there.

Voldemort: You mean....they're watching?

Harry: Or listening. Or reading. Fan Fiction comes in all shapes, sizes and forms.

Voldemort: You mean this is international?

Harry: Probably if it's online. Oh--online means on a Muggle computer on a thing called the internet. It can be viewed by anyone who wants to read it.

::silence::

Voldemort: WHOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

::leaps in the air:: ::Harry is shocked::

::Voldemort reaches forward and shakes Harry's hand::

::Harry grabs his forehead, where his scar is stinging.::

Voldemort: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

Harry: wha--what?

Voldemort: I don't have to kill you! I don't even have to hurt you! I've done what I've been trying to do for ages!

Harry: What...go public?

Voldemort: Yes! All these years of being rejected from station after station and publisher after publisher, I am free!

Harry: Erm....whatever you say.

::Voldemort leaps in the air and starts to sing::

Voldemort: I'm going to be famous!!! I'm going to be famous!!!

::Harry shakes his head, then turns around to go find the Quidditch cup and Diggory::

End

(for now)