Not Another Wedding Story

OBJECTIONS?

Very quickly Harry managed to establish a brilliant strategy to minimise the fighting. Anyone with red hair sat on the left, and everyone else sat on the right. On paper this would seem like an excellent and well thought through plan. Sadly, it had its problems.

Mainly, they were running out of room on the left.

However this was not the only fatal flaw. There were issues with people like Hagrid. The Malfoys wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole and there wasn't enough room on the left for him and his date, Madame Maxime. Also, Tonks and Lupin were rather unappreciated by the purebloods. Tonks was half-blood, and they were afraid Lupin might eat them.

And no one would sit beside Zabini, because he stank of alcohol and every now and then would randomly shout out something incoherent.

Harry resolved two of the problems by pointing out how Hagrid was physically incapable of harming a fly, and that Fenrir Greyback was sitting in the third row, so Lupin should have been the least of their worries. Although, Greyback was eying up Zabini and licking his lips.

Harry's problems intensified when yet more Weasleys arrived. Harry suppressed the urge to kick something, and kindly directed them to the left.

Then, Neville Longbottom and his wife, Luna Lovegood-Longbottom (try saying that five times fast) arrived. Harry knew exactly what would happen if they sat on the right. He told them to hide among the red.

Luna went and sat beside one of Ron's aunts, and began explaining the breeding habits of the rare Goriorki chicken to her. Neville remained to keep Harry company.

Neville was one of the Ministers appointed hastily in the aftermath of the Percy Weasley scandal. Then, showing a talent he had never hinted in possessing, he grabbed the reigns and became head of the Department for the Control of Nasty Plants that eat things. However, Neville had contacts all through the Ministry. If something was placed on the Minister for Magic's desk, he had a copy in his hand within ten minutes. This was aided by the fact he was married to the head of the Department for Protection of Rare and Endangered Animals that NO PROOF exists of.

Yes, rumour even had it that Neville would be the next Minister for Magic. Of course, Neville dismissed such rumours instantly. He was still deathly afraid of his grandmother, and he had nobly decided that he would not be able to run a Magical community whilst living in fear of an old age pensioner.

Harry wasn't really listening as Neville told him about new regulations coming in to prevent the giant fish-headed flesh eating daisy from being brought into the country. On the horizon, he had spotted the worst possible thing.

The prisoners from Azkaban.

Of course, the Ministry had been upset when asked to let so many prisoners out on parole just for a wedding, but in the spirit of things they'd assigned an Auror to each prisoner. Harry panicked. They didn't have enough chairs.

He quickly ordered Neville to help him conjure up some chairs. Harry conjured up some rather clumsily made wooden hairs. Neville conjured up half a dozen sofas with flowery patterns. He looked so smug Harry wanted to slap him.

All the Aurors said hi to Harry and Neville as they filed in, but the prisoners didn't even look at them. They just walked in, their faces a cross between joy at being out in the fresh air again, and disgust at what they were about to witness. They last one in was Lucius Malfoy, with two snake-headed canes.

Harry checked his watch. Less than five minutes until Ginny was supposed to be here.

"I hope Malfoy gets here soon," Harry said to Neville. "Wait, what am I saying?"

"Don't worry, the bride always turns up late," Neville assured him. True enough, Harry remembered back to Neville's wedding. He'd stood there for three hours sweating profusely, until Luna showed up. Apparently, she'd saw a dog and thought it was a Haberjurwawa (or something) and insisted on chasing it up and down the street in her wedding dress.

Then he remembered Ron's wedding, where Hermione had got there before anyone else. However, Ron turned up three hours late, with his best man Harry in tow. They'd slept in.

Right now, there was a war being waged inside Harry's mind. Half of him hoped Malfoy never showed up, and then Ginny sought comfort in his arms. However, Harry remembered Ginny in her wedding dress, and in his mind he could see the heartbreak it would cause her to be abandoned at the altar.

Then Arthur and Marissa arrived, followed by the priest. Who was wearing nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

"Hello Harry," Arthur greeted him triumphantly. "This is Father McCracken." He gestured to the naked man.

"Mr Weasley," Harry said through gritted teeth. "Why is that man wearing no clothes?"

"Oh Harry," Arthur said. "A most hilarious story. You see, it's been a long time since Molly and I got married. In that time a priest may come to change some of his views. Muggles, eh? Bless them." He smiled. Harry resisted the urge to punch him, and so tried reasoning with him.

"Mr Weasley, what do you think Ginny will do if she shows up to find a naked priest?" Harry asked, wishing instantly he'd punched him.

"Oh, but Draco said anybody," Arthur pointed out. To this, Harry could think of no response. He gestured them in. Marissa was giggling.

As he led the naked priest up to the altar, he was met by cries of "What the hell?" and "Who's that?" Although he could have sworn he heard someone shout "That looks yummy!"

Now, the priest was not a thin man, and apparently his new views did not involve shaving. Well, he shaved his face.

"What on Earth is going on," Lucius Malfoy asked, standing up with a cane in each hand.

"This is the priest recommended by Mr Weasley," Harry explained. Suddenly, a look of understanding appeared on Lucius' face. Actually, it was more the look of a suppressed laugh.

"Oh, say it isn't so Arthur," Lucius said in mock sadness. "Can't your family afford priests with clothes?" At this, Arthur glowed red with anger.

"Now see here Malfoy," he said, shaking a finger at him, but Lucius was just getting into his stride.

"See what my dear Arthur?" he drawled. "Surely you wouldn't start something on your daughter's wedding day. Besides, what can you do? Hit me?"

Alas, Arthur took "Hit me?" to be a suggestion. So he did.

War followed. Then, the two sides of the church became one. Desperately, the Aurors tried to stun their prisoners, but they were lost in the melee. The only ones not involved were the priest, standing beside the altar, and Zabini.

Crabbe and Goyle wrestled Harry from the brawl. He thanked them, before turning his attention to breaking up the fight. Hagrid was doing the same. Well, he may have just been throwing people around at random, but it looked like he was helping.

"ENOUGH!!!" Harry roared. Suddenly everyone ground to a halt. Although Tonks continued to hold Narcissa Malfoy in a headlock, Hagrid punched Charlie Weasley in the face, and Lucius bit Arthur's hand.

"This is not about family rivalry!" Harry shouted to them. "This is about two people, who love each other very much. They don't care about petty rivalries, so why should you?" This was met by stupid blinking, and a general murmur of agreement. Sadly, two certain redheads chose that moment to enter.

"Because it's fun!" George Weasley roared at the top of his voice, before Fred smacked Lucius over the back of the head with one of Harry's wooden chairs. In the moments that followed, everyone was beating everyone. No one was safe. Even Hagrid was consumed by a sea of red hair.

Then Harry lost it. He'd been given a job, and come hell or high water he was going to do it. Displaying the brilliance that had seen him conquer the greatest of foes, he stunned everyone. Then, with Crabbe and Goyle's help, he got them into their seats. They just left Hagrid where he was. However, Harry had to tell Goyle off for putting George's hand on Fred's ass. The day was traumatising enough without that conversation.

Then, just as Harry was preparing to wake them, Snape and Malfoy entered.

"Did you find the rings?" Harry asked. Malfoy shook his head. Snape surveyed the room.

"Why is everything so quiet?" Snape asked. Harry scowled at him.

Severus Snape was without a doubt the most controversial Headmaster Hogwarts ever had. He'd eventually been cleared of all charges, after the Ministry heard his story. Apparently he'd been a spy for Dumbledore, acting as a spy for Voldemort as a spy for Dumbledore, who was spying on Voldemort, who ordered him to spy on Dumbledore, who ordered him to keep a close eye on Gilderoy Lockhart. Several trips into Dumbledore's Pensieve and Voldemort's diary proved the existence of an everlasting chain of spying. Completely confused, the Ministry just accepted his bribes and let him off.

Then, he'd been appointed by the Board of Directors, who were somehow still in the pocket of Lucius Malfoy. Even in jail, he had a lot of contacts.

Sure enough, Snape spotted the naked priest behind the altar. He sneered.

"Oh Potter, do tell me everything," the Headmaster said slowly. The priest took a step to great him, but Harry threatened him back.

"Just you stay where you are!" Harry snapped at him. Then, Ron burst through the door.

"Did you get the rings?" Malfoy asked. Ron grinned.

"There isn't a little fluffy animal alive that can outrun a hungry Weasley," Ron told him, waving his hand which had a glint of gold. He showed Malfoy the rings. Each had an engraving. One said "Malfoy" and the other "Weasley." Harry looked out at the silence.

"Reckon we might have to wake them soon," Harry said. They all nodded.

"I'll do it," Snape said, and with a wave of his wand the whole place jerked awake. There was much muttering as Snape took his place sitting beside Lucius, and Harry sat down beside Arthur. Malfoy gathered his best man and his goons together.

"Draco, you look great," Crabbe told him. "So please, can I lick your shoes?" Draco didn't even bother answering him. Then, as if right on time, the music started up, and the doors opened.

"Good luck," Ron whispered to him, as the pair moved to stand beside the altar. Crabbe and Goyle sat down beside Zabini, and hugged each other for comfort.

Then, Percy walked down the aisle, throwing flowers. There were a lot of muttering, but through it all Oliver Wood said "Doesn't he look beautiful?" He was sitting beside Dean Thomas, who said yes.

Then came the star of the show. Ginny walked silently down the aisle, her eyes scanning around the room. There was a broken chair, Fred had a nosebleed and he priest was not dressed as she remembered him. When she reached the altar, she greeted Draco with:

"Darling, I love you very much but why the hell is the priest naked?" Draco smiled at her.

"It's been a long day," he said.

"Dearly beloved," the priest said, trying to step out behind the altar, only to find himself blocked by Ron's wand. He continued talking, but chose to remain where he stood.

"We are gathered here today for the joining in holy matrimony of Draco Malfoy, and Ginny Weasley. I'm thankful that we are all here on this gloriously beautiful day, to witness such a pleasing event. But first, let us pray."

It was clear that the wizards were not used to such a long-winded and needlessly complicated event as this, and they were quite visibly yawning. Only a select few seemed interested. Arthur Weasley was looking at the priest in fascination. Crabbe and Goyle were crying noisily. Marissa had gotten hold of a pen, and at Fred and George's encouragement was drawing on Zabini's face. Hermione eventually went over to stop her after she'd written a four letter word she'd certainly learnt from Ron.

Then, came the rings. On Ginny's, Malfoy. On Draco's, Weasley. Then, came the most dreaded bit of the day.

"If anyone so objects to this union," announced the priest. "Let them speak now, or forever hold their peace."

Half the place shouted at once.

"One at a time!" Father McCracken tried to shout, but his voice was unheard among the shouting. Draco was the one that brought calm by shouting out embarrassing things his father did when he thought he was alone in the house.

"I think I know what's wrong," Draco said. He turned to face them. "Look, I know she's a Weasley, and I'm a Malfoy. But that doesn't matter to us, so why should it matter to you?"

"Harry tried to spoon-feed us some crap like that ten minutes ago!" Fred shouted. This was met by more roars of agreement. Then, Harry stood up.

"Alright!" he shouted, holding out his hands for silence. "This is not about us! This is not about our happiness! It's about theirs." He gestured to Draco and Ginny. "It doesn't matter if we don't like each others' families. Or that people we love are marrying other people. Or that Malfoy's a jerk. It's their day, let them enjoy it!" This was met by three people clapping. Hagrid, Lupin, and Zabini (although he was hardly conscious). Harry sat down.

"Well," said Father McCracken, clearing his throat. "If there's nothing else..."

"There is something else!" someone shouted from the back. Pansy Parkinson emerged, pointing at Draco. "Don't marry her Draco! Come with me! We don't need that slut." Draco pretended to think about it. Instead, he clicked his fingers.

Crabbe and Goyle quickly swept her out of the room.

"It that everything?" the priest asked. Then Ron stepped forward.

"Draco," he said. "Before today I didn't like you. I still don't like you. I'm never going to like you." He paused for a moment. "But I'm bloody well going to try. But before I can, I have to do one last thing." Then, he kneed Draco in the balls, who hunched over with a grunt. Ron patted him on the back. "Good luck buddy."

"Well," Father McCracken said. "Anything else?" A few people coughed. Some stood up, then sat back down again without a word. Draco was still struggling for breath.

"Well then," the priest said happily. "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."

Draco needed a few moments, before he stood up, and kissed Ginny. Everyone clapped, cheered and/or pretended to vomit. Fred and George took several of their sweets, and actually did vomit.