Rating:
PG
House:
Riddikulus
Characters:
Lucius Malfoy Molly Weasley Lord Voldemort
Genres:
Humor
Era:
Harry and Classmates During Book Seven
Spoilers:
Half-Blood Prince
Stats:
Published: 01/26/2007
Updated: 01/26/2007
Words: 1,473
Chapters: 1
Hits: 1,159

Afternoon Tea with the Dark Lord

grand_admiral_shirra

Story Summary:
Lord Voldemort's grand scheme to destroy the Weasley Family is brought to a brief halt whenever she invites him in for tea.

Chapter 01

Posted:
01/26/2007
Hits:
1,159


There are two ways that people react when confronted by the most evil wizard how has ever lived and a dozen of his prized Death Eaters. Some will go with the approach of begging for their life, whereas the rest (usually the Gryffindors) draw their wands and begin throwing jinxes at everything in sight.

No one would ever invite them in for tea.

Somehow this was not how Lord Voldemort had expected his glorious attack on the Weasley family to go. He had anticipated congratulating those twins on that delightful U-No-Poo product (the advertisement had left him chuckling for a good while) before cursing them into oblivion. Then, he would maybe kill the girl... the one the Malfoy boy hadn't stopped talking about since Dumbledore's untimely demise. Then he'd kill the youngest boy... the one Snape hadn't stopped talking about since his return to the Death Eater ranks.

He had pictured when Molly Weasley answered the door she was drop to her knees and beg for forgiveness. But she had bossily told him that if he stood in the doorway all day he'd catch a cold, and insisted in dragging him into the house, throwing him onto a chair, and force feeding a collection of the most powerful witches and wizards in the world tea and chocolate biscuits.

But she did have lemon sherbets... and Lord Voldemort did like his lemon sherbets.

He glanced around the small living room where Mrs Weasley had managed to squeeze the Death Eaters on all manner of chairs. Snape was on the sofa, squashed between Crabbe and Goyle and not looking pleased about it. Bellatrix was beside Rodolphus, and he looked (if at all possible) even less pleased with the seating arrangement. Fenrir Greyback was squashed into the sofa, eying up Draco Malfoy and licking his lips. Young Draco was trying to sit as close as possible to Snape without having to sit on Crabbe's knee. Lucius Malfoy (who had been bust out of Azkaban especially for his trip) stood in the middle of the room, adamant that he would not grace any seat a Weasley had sat on.

This was when Mrs Weasley got angry, and tied him to a chair.

Satisfied that all the Death Eaters had more tea and biscuits than any person could possibly need, she herself sat down in the chair beside the Dark Lord. Then, she turned to talk to the room.

"Now Lucius, how is Narcissa these days? I haven't seen her in donkey's years," Mrs Weasley said cheerfully, as if she was talking to an old friend.

"I am pleased to say that my wife is at home, where they don't tie people to chairs and force them to eat biscuits," he paused at looked thoughtfully at Bellatrix for a moment. "Well we don't force them to eat biscuits." He glanced down at the saucer balanced on his lap. "Having said that, if you untied my arms I could try one of those chocolate hob nobs."

Mrs Weasley smiled and turned to Lord Voldemort. "Tom my dear, how are you? I can't recall the last time we got together."

"I don't recall us ever getting together," Voldemort muttered indignantly as the Death Eaters chuckled at the use of his real name. He gave them the glare of death.

"Of course," Mrs Weasley nodded. "Now how's your wife?" Voldemort's eyes widened.

"I assure, I have no wife," Voldemort hissed.

"Oh dear. No worries, but young daughter Ginny will be home soon, and I'm sure she can set you up with one of her school friends," she said, patting him on the knee, ignoring Draco choking and Fenrir Greyback grinning from ear to ear.

"Does she have many young friends?" the old werewolf asked.

"Honestly Fenrir, you're almost fifty," Mrs Weasley pointed out. "Maybe you should consider dating someone a little closer to your own age rather than preying on young children."

"I'm almost seventy," Voldemort pointed out.

"Really?" Mrs Weasley asked, clearly surprised. "You must tell me the secret to keeping your skin so wrinkle free!"

Voldemort was just about to tell her the secret to immortality when the inconsiderate brat barged in through the door. He thought back to that stormy Halloween. It should have been a quick, clean death. But the brat had to go and make it personal.

He was followed by a girl with what appeared to be a bush on her head and a tall, gangly bloke with more freckles than he had any right to have.

"YOU-KNOW-WHO!" Freckles screamed at the top of his lungs. The girl leapt about six feet in the air, and Harry jumped forward, his wand in hand and holding a golden cup.

"Now Harry!" Mrs Weasley reprimanded him. "That's no way to treat our guests." But Voldemort was more interested in the golden cup with a badger on it.

"Did you break my Horcrux?" he demanded. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to make that?" He stood up, drawing his own wand.

"Sit down!" Mrs Weasley snapped. Harry and Lord Voldemort glared at each other for a moment, before sitting down. They continued to shoot each other dirty looks whenever Mrs Weasley wasn't looking.

"Now, where was I?" Mrs Weasley asked when everyone had sat down. Then, the entire place was disrupted by the arrival of Ginny and Charlie. Charlie looked at Voldemort, and promptly collapsed. Ginny began swearing at Malfoy. Her mother was not pleased, and sent Ginny to her room.

"But mum, the most powerful dark wizard who ever lived is in our living room, I want to help!"

"Nonsense, you're too young!"

Ginny refused to go without a fight. Eventually Mrs Weasley grabbed her by the ear and dragged her upstairs to her room. Then Mrs Weasley returned to serve more tea.

"Oh Lucius, you haven't touched your tea and it's gone all cold," Mrs Weasley reprimanded him. Lucius looked at his tea, and then at his hands tied to the armrests, and did the gentlemanly thing by telling Mrs Weasley where to shove her cup of tea. She smiled sweetly, and poured him another cup. She got him some more biscuits as well.

By now the place was getting a little crowded. Even more so when Arthur, his son Bill and Fleur came in. At the sight of Fleur Crabbe and Goyle rose from their seats, with Snape squashed between them, and began doing a little dance.

"Sit down Arthur, we were just having some tea," Mrs Weasley said. Her husband just smiled, sat down on the floor, and accepted his tea with the look of a man who knew that if he didn't he might find parts of his anatomy curiously absent in the morning.

Then Bill noticed Fenrir Greyback.

"Fenrir my old man," Bill said with false cheerfulness. "How's the kidnapping and raping of young and innocent children coming?"

"Absolutely fabulously," Fenrir said with genuine cheerfulness. "I'm thinking of doing your sister next!"

This was the wrong thing to say. Ron and Bill reacted at the same time, springing forward and pummelling Fenrir to death, whilst being egged on by Bellatrix. Mrs Weasley, outraged, grabbed her two sons by the ears, and dragged them away from the bloody mess they were about to urinate on for good measure. Then two identical redheads burst from the fireplace.

"It's me, George!" said Fred, before the two of them set off a load of fireworks.

Panic ensued. The flashing lights confused Crabbe and Goyle, who came to blows with poor Snape caught in the crossfire. Ginny had snuck back in to shout at Malfoy some more, but soon after they appeared to have disappeared. Potter was firing curses at him, which he was countering by hiding behind the chair. Bellatrix was touching herself and watching Rodolphus getting mauled by an angry Hermione Granger. Ron was standing there like he was part of the furniture. Lucius remained tied to the chair, trying desperately to get the chocolate hob nobs into his mouth.

"STOP THIS MADNESS!" Arthur roared at last. Everyone looked at him. Even Draco and Ginny momentarily appeared from behind the sofa.

"Lupin's here," he said. Then, everyone turned around to see their favourite werewolf, and give him a big hug.

He was mortified.

"Here Remus, have some tea," Mrs Weasley said kindly, before guiding him over to the comfy chair. She went into the kitchen, and got the really good tea and the really good biscuits.

Lupin sat in his chair, and drank his scalding hot tea as quickly as humanly possible while everyone stared at him. Then, he politely said goodbye, although everyone begged him to stay, and he sprinted out of the house and Apparated to the Bahamas. He needed a holiday.

The moment he left the melee began again.