Rating:
R
House:
The Dark Arts
Characters:
Harry Potter Hermione Granger
Genres:
Drama Angst
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Philosopher's Stone Chamber of Secrets Prizoner of Azkaban Goblet of Fire Quidditch Through the Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Stats:
Published: 04/04/2003
Updated: 09/13/2003
Words: 17,066
Chapters: 4
Hits: 1,845

Close to Grace

Grace Avalon

Story Summary:
Twenty years ago the wizarding world celebrated the death of the Dark Lord, everyone except Hermione Granger. She lost her love and instead settled for caring. Now her life and those of the people around her are about to change. This story is about love, but not about romance. This is about what a person will do to ensure the people he loves will remain safe. This is the story about sacrificing everything to receive nothing. This story is about the search for something more, but mostly this is a story about walking the line between sin and grace.

Chapter 04

Chapter Summary:
20 years ago the wizarding world celebrated the death of the Dark Lord, everyone except Hermione Granger._ She lost her love and instead settled for caring._ Now her life, and those of the people around her are about to change._ This story is about love, but not about romance. This is about what a person will do to ensure the people he loves will remain safe. This is the story about sacrificingeverything to receive nothing. This story is about the search for something more, but mostly this is a story about walking the line between sin and grace.
Posted:
09/13/2003
Hits:
340
Author's Note:
I also wanted to thank my Beta You are awesome, and also tell you all to please review my story!! Click on the link below or email me at [email protected]


Close to Grace

This story is about love, but not about romance. This is about what a person will do to ensure the people he loves will remain safe. This is the story about sacrificing everything to receive nothing. This story is about the search for something more, but mostly this is a story about walking the line between sin and grace.

Chapter 4: Fire, Chaos, and Eternal Love

"Sorrow has taken you

Angels have no thoughts of ever returning you

would they be angry

if I thought of joining you?" Gloomy Sunday, sung by Sarah McLachlan

Dinner went well, and Harry seemed to get on with the children just fine. More so with Rebecca than James, but Hermione suspected it had to do with the encounter earlier. So they sat around the table talking and sharing old stories, some that made Hermione want to cry and others that made her want to laugh, but one thing was certain, she hadn't felt this much alive since her world crumbled. Somewhere along the road, she had forgotten what it felt like to be free of all worries. It was like magic coming back into her life and she could feel her happiness bubbling up inside her.

"So there was your mum, screaming we needed a fire, but of course we had no matches. So your dad screams at your mum reminding her that she was a witch." Everyone started laughing at Hermione's obvious mistake. Harry looked toward Hermione and winked at her blush. She just mouthed back, "You will pay."

"Well, kids, Grandma Weasley is waiting for us, and we don't want to keep her waiting." Ron said, getting up from the table. He had made arrangements with his parents to come by with the kids. Molly was still, as ever, in love with her children and their children. Whenever the kids had a holiday it was tradition that they spend time at the house. Of course, it wasn't like old times. The Burrow had grown to enormous proportions after Arthur received his promotion to Minister, and Arthur was never home. Molly threw herself more into family than ever, and Ron wondered if his father's position was one which she hated or loved. Either way, Ron had little desire to argue with his mother, so his trip to France would wait until the next day. And maybe, he could talk his father into reopening the case if he was at home.

Hermione got up and began clearing dishes away while Harry went to say good bye to Rebecca. Rebecca seemed to enjoy Harry's endless stories of Quidditch matches and classic brooms. She reveled under the attention of someone other than her father, and it made Hermione's heart swell. Hermione was happier than she had been, she could not deny it. Ron came into the kitchen while Hermione was doing the dishes.

"Why don't you use a simple spell, Mione?"

"You know perfectly well why I do not." Hermione said through gritted teeth.

"Hermione, don't start that now. The doctors said you should be able to perform simple magic, unless you chose not to use the magic."

"Ron, I grew up 11 years of my life unaware of my magical capabilities. I do not think washing the dishes is above me!" She said throwing the sponge into the sink.

"I'm just saying I am worried about you, Hermione. I want you to live your life to the fullest. Hermione you were a brilliant witch in school, Goddess, the top of the class even. You must know how you are causing your own pain, your own lack of magic."

"Hem-hem"

Hermione and Ron looked at the doorway to find James standing in it. He was wearing a frown, one that stopped Hermione's anger toward Ron. He stood there tall and lengthy like his father, wavy brown hair slipping into his eyes, like a parent catching his two children in the cookie jar. Ron wondered about his son sometimes. He was always biting at his heels like some sort of bulldog. Ron shrugged it off, if he were an only son he was sure he would have been protective of his mum too.

"We're ready to go, Dad."

"Alright, I'll be there in a second," He said. Then turning back to Hermione lowering his voice he said, "I love you, you know that right?"

Hermione turned away from him as he tried to kiss her, so he kissed her cheek instead. "Yes, I know."

Ron walked away from Hermione, more determined than ever to get to France.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Ron sat in the dimly lit Weasley living room. He wished his father would hurry up and get home. It was already coming close to midnight and he still was at work. At least that is what the clock said. Ron always wondered about that clock. Did his mum really look at it to know where they were or had it just become a staple in the house. Did she even care where her husband was? Ron honestly didn't know, nor did he know if he had the energy to care about his parents' marital woes. He fell asleep on the chair and woke the next morning to go to France, hoping that if his father wouldn't help him, he could make Harry go back to wherever he was on his own.

~*~*~*~*~~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Dawn in the Magiviertal is beautiful. The villa where the Potters stay is beautifully decorated. The ocean is peaceful and the sky serene, but that did very little for Lily Potter's mood. Cassandra had returned with news that Hermione's son had met with the Master and was planning more meetings. This was disconcerting. The events were accelerating at a rate much quicker than Lily had hoped for. She feared the repercussions of what she had set into motion. Yet she had grieved every night for her son's broken heart. She knew what it was like to be drawn to the Magiviertal without warning, without those she loved. He loved the muggle born, much as James had loved her. And had they had lived and not sacrificed their lives to the Magiviertal, Lily was sure Harry and Hermione would be happily married with children. Instead, Lily sacrificed herself for the heir to the Guild, The Potter, who would be the next key to ensuring the dark side would be vanquished. But at what cost, Lily often wondered. She longed to have grandchildren, to see them grow up in the sheltered walls of the Magiviertal. She had missed her own child's life because of the Magiviertal and she knew so many others in the Magiviertal who had sacrificed everything to ensure the continuation of the ancient ways. It hurt her because her life had been so bittersweet. She had fallen for James hard, after he sobered up in his attitude. She had looked forward to raising Harry, and than the horrible truth came out. Truth about James's family, they were heirs to an old and forgotten Guild, one that would prove to save the world for at least twelve years.

"Milady, what shall I do now?"

"Cassandra, how often have I told you to call me Lily? I wasn't born to be here, and I do hate the formalities."

"I'm sorry, Lily, it's just I noticed you were in thought and I did not want to interrupt you, but-," she seemed to stop and change her mind. "What is troubling you? If I may ask that is." She said with a gesture that pulled Lily back to times gone by. She was so like her father.

"The past," Lily said with a troubled smile. "Nothing more, nothing less. How much have they told you about us Cassandra?"

"Whom do you mean, Lily?"

"The Sadinoha, they have there own stories about the Guild. I was just curious of what they say."

Lily knew what they said, but she loved watching Cassandra talk, it was as if a piece of her past were standing right in front of her. She wished more than anything life could have been like it once was.

"Well, the Sadinoha, they say that the Eternal Guild is the best guild to be favored by, at least by our standards. They say the Potters are the most ancient of the four families who represent the Guild. They speak of the ancient ways, of the gatekeepers. Of course they say the Black family has been the keeper of the gate for as long as there has been a Potter heir. At least until recently. They tell their secrets my lady, they say that the switch to the Weasleys was not supposed to happen. They say it is because Sirius Black's daughter died. You were once friends with Sirius Black, were you not?"

"As a matter of fact I was. Sirius was the best man at my wedding. He was my husband's best friend and a trusted confidant. I miss him often as does James."

Cassandra ran a hand through her knotted hair.

"What about you Cassandra, where did you grow up?"

"Well, Melissa and Tobias Alexander raised me outside of London. I spent most of my life as a normal child with extraordinary visions. I would have the dreams, the ones that I told you of when I first arrived here. But I also would have dreams of my mum and dad. That is how I first found out my adoptive parents weren't my own."

"So-" Lily faltered, "Do you know what they looked like?"

"No, the visions were never clear, but I know they loved me."

"How could someone not love you Cassandra?"

Cassandra blushed and Lily wished for the second time in the evening that everything were different.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Morning came to the sleepy town of Hogsmeade with barely a cloud in the sky. The sun came up bright and shiny. The birds were singing and a new day was about to begin. And Hermione did not want to get out of the bed. Her head throbbed and she did not want to tell Harry the story she knew would be coming. But she got out of bed anyway and began to make breakfast for them. Harry tossed on the couch a bit and finally woke. His hair was messy, but then again, it was always messy and he put a hand through it as he walked into the kitchen.

"Hey there, Mione."

"Good morning Harry."

He sat down at the table and gladly took the coffee Hermione set in front of him. They sat in silence for awhile, neither one ready or willing to start the conversation that was coming. They both pushed their food around on their plates.

"We need to talk about this sometime, you know." Hermione said.

"Yes, well the last time we had this conversation you ran out on me Hermione."

"That's because it is complicated."

"Complications have never stopped you before, Mione. You were always so great with explaining the hard stuff, when we were in school."

"What do you want to talk about. You saw my family, Harry." She sighed. "I have two children, but I love you."

"I've been thinking Hermione, and I know why I was sent back. I was sent back to be with you. Don't you understand, we were never meant to be separated."

"Harry, I can't just leave them. I mean all you can tell me is that you know why you are back. But where are you back from?"

"Hermione, I can't explain where I was." Then Harry looked at Hermione in frustration. "Hermione, do you love him? Because, you seem to come up with every reason why we cannot be together."

"Harry, I-I-" She didn't know how to quite explain her feelings.

"Let me ask you this, than. Do you still want to be with me, do you still love me?"

Hermione sighed, "Harry, I want to tell you a story."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Well if it isn't the man who sold his friend out."

"What are you talking about?" Ron asked the shadowy figure who sat at the chair next to the altar.

"You come to me for answers, yet you fail to realize that I know everything, even your questions."

"Okay, if you know everything, tell me why I am here." Ron said indignantly.

"You Monsieur Weasley are here to try and put right a mistake you made a long time ago." Ron started to speak and she stopped him by raising her hand. "Monsieur Weasley do not presume to know why you are here. I told you I know who you are and what you have done. You are the Gatekeeper for Harry Potter. And if that were not enough you were forced to betray him, were you not Monsieur Weasley? Or were you?"

"Stop talking riddles, yes I was told to send Harry to the fight, but as part of his destiny, nothing more nothing less."

"Is that what you think Monsieur Weasley? Somehow I think you know the truth deep down. But that's okay; I want to tell you a little story...

"Once upon a time, there was a sidekick, a tragic hero and their princess...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Harry I want to tell you a story; there was once a hero, his sidekick, and a girl. She was loved by both as if she were a princess. And all three would have laid their lives down to protect each other. The girl was in love with the hero and the sidekick was in love with her. The girl did not know what to do. If she loved the hero she would break the sidekick's heart, but if she loved the sidekick she would break her own. However, the girl soon thought she would never have to make the decision because the hero never told her how he felt. He hid it away locked in a closet where she couldn't see anything. So she gave her love to the sidekick and began to realize that it was all for the best, after all, aren't fairy tales clichéd when the princess marries the hero?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*

"How clichéd that the princess should ever marry the sidekick after all, Lancelot did it to Arthur. Betrayal is nothing in the eyes of those who feel shadowed by the mighty ones. Such is the story of life. Such is the story of your life Monsieur Weasley. Have you ever read Greek Mythology? The authors of Greek Mythology were obsessed with the tragic hero. The tragic hero was doomed to fail because of his tragic flaw. You, Monsieur Weasley, fancied yourself the tragic hero in little drama of ours. Therein lies your tragic flaw, creating an endless cycle of self pity and importance. And while so wrapped in your self pity, you made your first mistake, you forgot the importance of Hermione's role in the situation."

"But I was told to send Harry and I was to stay back! I did what the Messenger told me to do. "

"Yes, Monsieur Weasley, you were to stay back, but nothing was ever mentioned about Hermione's role. She was to follow her destiny, her Harry, and you-"

"I never stopped Harry from taking her with him!"

"As if he would have. You know as well as I do, she wanted to follw and you did not allow her to follow her destiny. You drove her from destiny, she was meant to die with him and instead was forced to deal with her longing to be gone...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione was losing it, she was sure of at least that much. She ran around her private dorm stuffing the clothes she would need while finding Harry. Her duffle bag was filled with the basic necessities suggested by their advanced DADA lesson. Her first aid medimagic kit was packed under the essential potions needed to combat the ailments found on the battlefield. Now all that was left was to leave a note to say goodbye, and explain why she needed to go. But how could she explain what she herself did not understand. Her world was falling, her mind screamed that she was being rash, but her heart and soul were screaming to go after Harry. After all, she was meant to pick up the pieces. She always went after Harry, and when everything was over she would know that the world was okay. But Harry hadn't let her go, nor had he let Ron go. Yet again, Hermione's logic was screaming that Harry deserved to stay wherever he was because he did not let them come. Hermione stopped packing and picked up the picture from their second year that Collin actually had permission to take. The three of them had been ecstatic. Their friendship had been cemented by the events of that year and they learned that they needed to be one. Even if they fought it they would always be stronger while together. Hermione was so engrossed in thought that she failed to hear Ron enter.

"Sugar?"

Hermione turned to see Ron at the door, his blue eyes soaked in the aftermath of tears.

"No-" She felt the spinning feeling return, the one she felt when she read his last letter.

"Listen to me, Mione. Harry's gone."

"I know he is Ron, let me finish packing and we can go after him." She said, her brain unwilling to comprehend what he had meant.

"Hermione," he walked over and took her by her arms, he could feel her shaking under his fingers.

"He-" Ron choked on his words. "He died, but he killed Voldemort. We're all free now, he died for us."

"No," she fought to get free of his arms. If only she could get to Harry, she would fix it, she would put the pieces together.

"Let. Me. Go! Where is he? I need to go, I can help him." She was ranting now, her mind was already a forgotten entity.

"Hermione, the Ministry is in rubbles, there's a curfew in effect, you can't go out. Anyone who goes out is considered a Death Eater and will be cursed without prejudice."

"I don't care!" she screamed, finally breaking out of his grip. She stumbled and could feel herself spinning, she just wanted to disappear in the black edges of her mind. Her lungs were demanding more air than she was willing to supply and suddenly she joined the darkness she so desperately sought.

"You stopped her Monsieur Weasley, and she wanted to die."

~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"And you just left me Harry. And that is where this story begins, I was left to cope with the longing I had to be with you. You have absolutely no idea how much the loss ate away at me...

Hogwarts cancelled all tests. The Seventh years, luckily had taken their NEWTS that winter to expedite their entrance into the Royal Order Army to help fight Voldemort. It was seen to be a way to make sure the youth were prepared to take on Voldemort, Hermione laughed with bitterness at the name. She did not fear his name, she knew she wouldn't even if he lived, she felt to much hate and despair to fear any longer.

Hogwarts was empty except for the few students who were remaining until home could be found for them. Hermione was one of the students who needed to find a place to go. She had lost everything in the war. She had lost first her family, than her best friend and finally her sanity. Logic was a foreign concept to this Hermione. After Ron broke the news to her, she had stayed in the hospital wing for the next week until Madam Pomfrey became convinced Hermione had come to terms with Harry's death. She sat listlessly at her vanity brushing her hair. She looked in the mirror, seeing a vulnerable young girl. Her eyes sparkled no more, nor did they carry the confidence she once had. The shadow of her old self was disgusted with her demeanor and she hated herself even more. The small dagger on her vanity taunted her. The Ministry had awarded it in Harry's honor. She picked up the pure silver, cool under her fevered hands. She should have felt relief that it was over, but all she felt was emptiness. Her life was over, she had no purpose, no Harry for whom she would pick up the pieces.

It stung as she slid the blade across her wrist. Like a skate blade across ice, the blade made a slight, but hardly noticeable cut. It wasn't until the blood began to bleed on the surface of her skin that she began to fell relief and amazement at the power she had to let her life slowly drip out.

"Hermione?" A knock came at her door.

"Yes?" She asked, slowly wiping the blood off the blade and her wrists. It stung as she did so and again she felt relief. Careful not to get any red on the outside of her sleeves she pulled them down.

"Are you ready to go to lunch?"

"Yes, I'm ready." She said, more to the hollow-eyed girl reflected in the mirror.

Time dripped by like the blood upon Hermione's arm. Today had been particularly hard for her. The wizarding world had decided it was time to erect a memorial to Harry, The Boy Who Sacrificed Himself. And of course, they (the stupid hedgerows, who clamored for glory and fairy tales) wanted to see the remaining of the Triumphant Trio. Hermione did not want to go out. Why did she have to be comfortable with the decision to make Harry's death official? Who were they to say that she should be at peace with his death? She slashed the dagger, the one provided to her by Harry, across her wrists, as per ritual now.

"Ironic," she thought. "You said you wanted to save me, Harry? Is this your way of saving me?" She cut deeper, needing to feel the grief, she was numb and hadn't felt real for a very long time.

"Damn you Harry!" She thought cutting deeper. "I loved you. And! You! Left! Me! I gave you myself, something I promised myself I would never do. I promised myself I would never give any man my life. But you took it all!" She watched the blood flow from her wrists faster, she dropped the dagger, her blood smearing the blanket on her bed. She walked over to her bookshelf picking up the small glass picture frame holding Harry's picture.

"I gave you my soul, Harry James Potter!" She screamed. "And you've taken it to a place where I will never get it back. How dare you leave me? How dare you make me come to you? Screw your stupid power over me." She said finally throwing the picture frame across the room where it shattered on the floor.

And she shattered too, like a million pieces of glass, she felt fragmented and unsure if she would (or even could) become whole again. She fell to the floor sobbing, her blood mixing with the tears on the floor. The salty water stung her cuts, but she couldn't feel it, at least not in a way that mattered.

She never knew how long she was there, after a while she was floating on some sort of cloud, she could hear Harry calling her name, and she wanted to be there. He felt so real when he picked her up. She wanted to say something but it came out as nothing more than a moan.

"Shh, it's okay. I'm taking you to get better." A part of Hermione's brain (not clouded) could register the heartbeat of her carrier. It was fast and she could feel him trying not to cry, his body hitching.

"I'm sorry Hermione, Gods, I'm sorry."

She didn't want him to leave her again she had to tell him. She took all the strength she had.

"'S'okay Harry. I love you, don' leave me." And then she couldn't think anymore...

"But it wasn't you Harry. You never came back. And I wanted to die, Harry. Can you imagine what that meant to me?"

Harry could only look away from her and out the window. His life was so complicated, but he wished he had never made it that way for his friends.

"So when I ask you, where you have been, I want answers Harry. Yes, I am glad to have you back, but you need to understand what my love for you did to me."

"I don't know what else I can say Hermione, I didn't ask for this."

"Maybe I had better ask you this question. Do you know what suicide does to a witch? Every time it is attempted it takes away from her power. But that didn't matter to me, I never felt my magic was useful if not for you, Harry." She laughed bitterness in her voice. "So when Ron asked me to marry him I was shocked. I wasn't a complete witch and yet he wanted to take care of me. I wasn't in any position to say no, or think of what was best for him. And how would it be for me to repay him, by leaving him the moment you come back?"

Her words hung in the air and Harry knew that no matter what he did, until his friends were absolved of their guilt, they would never be happy.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"She was sick and dependant on you Monsieur Weasley. You were there everyday for her treatments and you made sure she would say yes. You took advantage of her Monsieur Weasley. And the worst part is she has pity for you. She thinks she trapped you in a position of obligation. Funny how that poor girl torments herself over you. She would do well to forget all about you. Now leave Monsieur Weasley. The end is near for the Magiviertal. And-"

"I want the answers I came here for. Why is Harry back?"

"He is back, Monsieur Weasley, to fix your mistakes. Now go, before my guards escort you out!"

Ron left the woman feeling regret and pain for the lives he ruined. He couldn't wait to get home. He need to feel resolved of his sins. He felt used, like Judas Iscariot, a traitor, yes, but a traitor who had been led by destiny.

~*~*~*~*~**~*~**~*~*~*

If Cheri had allowed Ron to stay, she could have empathized with Ron. She knew how the destiny of the Magiviertal could affect a person, she knew how it could ruin lives. She had once had a family. But she had given her husband and daughter up so that the will of the Magiviertal could be done. She needn't have given her daughter up, her sweet K.C. But she did, after all, it was the only way to protect her daughter from her parent's fate. Cheri was tied to divination of the Magiviertal and her love was doomed to be forever tied to lies and secrecy on behalf of the Eternal Guild. Yes, Cheri understood what the Magiviertal did to people and she wished more than anything for the New Order. And soon; she, like Ron, would face the ramifications of her ties to the Magiviertal. Oh, if only to stop the visions....


A/N: I would just like to say thanks to all those wonderful people who reviewed.

As a side note, I would like to apologize for the lack of James Potter in this fic. I find it hard to write his character therefore he will only have a limited role. Also, as with many other pre OoTP fics, Sirius did not die in my story. It is kind of ironic because I left Hagrid out on the chance he was the character to die. I never thought it would be Sirius. Oh well! Also I just wanted to let you know that it may be awhile until the next chapter, because I really need to plot the rest of the story. I only had the first half plotted! Enjoy...

A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. I hope you enjoyed this installment. Like I said above, I am not sure when the next chapter will come, but hopefully it will be a lot sooner than this one came. RW has not been too friendly for writing...

PLEASE REVIEW