The Itsy Bitsy Spider

It was very late at night. The whole Gryffindor common room and dormitories were silent. Perfect conditions for one such visitor to slip through the window left ajar and crawl to a hiding spot before the sun arose. It settled, laughing at what would occur the following day.

Ron Weasley was going to the common room for his free period. He took a seat in the armchair by the fire and pulled out his parchment and quill. Suddenly, he heard something. It went right past him. He looked all around, but saw nothing. There it was again! Nothing. The third time, Ron looked at his feet and saw a little black spider.

"AAAAH! SPIDER! SOMEBODY KILL IT! INNOCULATE ME! BLOODY SPIDER HERE!" Ron yelled at the top of his lungs. He kept staring at the spider, which shook a little.

"You filthy arachnid, did you just shake your head at me?" Ron said, disgusted. The spider nodded, and jumped onto Ron's half completed homework. It grabbed his quill, and corrected all his spelling mistakes.

"Er...thanks?" Ron was confounded. This spider was doing his homework for him now.

He just watched the pathetic little thing writing all about the seven thousand uses for wolfsbane in potions.

"How'd you know all that, webhead?" Ron didn't even know five uses.

"Wernt teu herdy fer me, hemin!" the spider said in a freaky accent.

"What the bloody hell...did you just talk to me?" Ron exclaimed.

"Weil, gesher had more breens van I thockt," the spider replied.

"Don't you insult me pint-size. You got a name?"

"O coursh. M'namesh Weepot," Weepot said, and bowed.

"Er...mine's Ron. Ron Weasley."

"But o coursh I know dis alreedy. I'm here in hiedin feerm a Baysklis."

"Um...sure. Whatever. Hey, would you happen to know how to make Tentacula Fertilizer?"

Ron and Weepot used up the free period just finishing Ron's homework for every single subject. Weepot knew all the answers and wrote every piece of parchment Ron needed for the rest of the week. Suffices to say Ron had become best friends with a spider. He just had to tell Harry and Hermione. They were supposed to be in the Room of Requirement, trying to figure out the location of Voldemort's Horcruxes. He walked past it three times, and upon entering, found the guys staring at the ceiling playing Muggle video games.

"Hey guys, guess what?"

"What?"

"I found a talking spider that did all my homework."

"That's nice." Harry and Hermione just kept playing Mega Man, uttering things like "You're goin' down!" and "Oh yeah? Try THIS!", like any ordinary Muggle kids.

"Okay, bye then." Ron waved, and walked out of the room.

Ron continued throughout the day, turning in the assignments Weepot did and doing the class work with Weepot's help. During lunch in the Great Hall, however, a magical announcement came over the loudspeaker. "RON WEASLEY, REPORT TO THE DUNGEONS IMMEDIATELY, PROFESSOR SNAPE NEEDS TO HAVE A WORD WITH YOU!"

"Probably needs my help to invent a grade higher than an A+," Ron said to Harry and Hermione, still intently discussing Mega Man blasting techniques. Ron got up from the table and headed for the dungeon stairs. Upon reaching Snape's room, He heard some gross noises, followed by a "Weasley's here, hide in the closet." Ron stepped inside.

"Sit down here, Mr. Weasley." Snape drawled. He was slightly flushed and his greasy hair was all deranged.

"Is this about my homework?"

"Indeed." Ron was expecting to hear praise, but instead...

"It was the most HORRIBLE homework I have ever seen in all my years of teaching! Every single one of the seven thousand uses was WRONG!"

"But...But...that's impossible! Weepot..." Ron started.

"Weepot? What in all hecks is a Weepot?"

"Er...Snape?"

"PROFESSOR SNAPE!"

"Er...right, sorry...I've gotta go."

"I suppose you should, Weasley. And no more crummy assignments like this, dimwit." Ron hurried out the door and let Snape get back to business. He had to go up to the common room to find Weepot, but...

AN OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT FROM THE HEADMASTER. RON WEASLEY HAS DONE SO BADLY ON ALL HIS HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS THAT...shut up Ginny, they'll hear you!...200 POINTS WILL BE REMOVED FROM GRYFFINDOR, FOR HIS TENTACULA FERTILIZER B;EW UP THE GREENHOUSE, HIS TRANSFIGURATION SPELL KILLED EVERY HOUSE ELF IN THE KITCHEN, AND HIS HOMEMADE CRYSTAL BALL BURNED OUT PROFESSOR TRELAWNEY'S EYES! P.S. A reminder to all students that our own Professor Sprout has been fertilized by a Venomous Tentacula. The result will not be poisonous. That is all.

Ron dashed up to the common room and found Weepot.

"You horrible son of a black widow, why did you jack up my homework?"

"You neehdid to leern yeer leshin, Rawnie. Yeh frokin shuck at eveertin!"

"Well, yeer not mach beatter!" Ron said, mocking Weepot's accent.

"Oh yeah, weil in vat caeshe, geat zhe fookier, goys!" Weepot cried.

About a thousand spiders carrying containers of whipped cream scuttled up to Ron and sprayed him all over. After Ron was coated in the white stuff, they spray painted him black.

"Vair, now yehz looksh lieka moothar fookier! Nohone inshults Weepot Maeri Wanna!" Weepot said, and Ron had to get to Charms before it was too late. He couldn't remove the whipped cream, however.

"Looky looky, Weasley's been through hell and back and he got burnt!" Malfoy couldn't help but notice.

"You should know Malfoy, because that episode with you and Snape was pretty hot too!"

Malfoy flushed purple.