Harry Potter and the Pretty Sorcerer's Balls

Chapter Four - The Keeper Of The Keys

Harry's birthday was marked by the Dursleys' return to their usual routine.

"Get the post, Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper.

"Make Harry get it."

"Get the post, Harry."

Harry hesitated for a moment then left his place by the stove and retrieved the day's mail. There were a couple of bills for Uncle Vernon and a sample.

"Tea samples," the Yellow Tuna said with interest. "Let's try them out then."

Harry eyed the tea bags with distaste but prepared the tea for the Dursleys before returning to the stove to test the sausages. When he returned to the table he dropped the platter of eggs and sausage to the floor. The three Dursleys were slumped in their seats.

A noise came from the front door; someone was entering the house!

Harry stopped dead in his tracks, when, on his way to the nearest telephone (to ring the authorities), he saw standing in the front door, the largest man he had ever seen.

A giant of a man was standing in the doorway. His face was almost completely hidden by a long, shaggy mane of hair and a wild, tangled beard, but you could make out his eyes, glinting like black beetles under all the hair.

The giant squeezed his way into the house, stooping so that his head just brushed the ceiling.

"Yeh must be Harry." The giant spoke.

Harry saw in the giants' hands an envelope, just like the ones Uncle Vernon had confiscated and destroyed. He had a strange feeling that The School For Boys Who Were That Way ... well, wasn't. He looked up into the fierce, wild, shadowy face and saw that the beetle eyes were crinkled in a smile.

"Las' time I saw yeh, yeh was only a baby," the giant spoke again. "Yeh look a lot like yer da', but yeh've got yer mum's eyes."

Despite his fear and the likely dead relatives sitting in the kitchen, Harry's curiosity was piqued at this remark.

"You knew my parents?"

"As good a witch an' wizard as I ever knew, they were."

Harry stared at the giant dumbfounded. "...Witch ... you're mad." The realisation hit him swiftly. "You've killed the Dursleys, haven't you?" he accused, still stunned.

"Killed? Gulping Gargoyles, Harry. It was just a potion, they'll be up by the evening none the wiser." The giant sensed Harry's disbelief. "Go on, give 'em a poke then."

Harry ventured forth, steeling himself to check on the condition of the Dursleys. He leaned in to look, not wanting to touch them if he didn't have to. They certainly seemed to be breathing. Harry chanced a gingerly poke to Uncle Vernon's side, he snorted, then shifted, then remained still once again. With a glint in his eyes, Harry poked him again, somewhat harder this time.

"See? Good as new in a couple o' hours. Now come on, let's get goin'"

Fears allayed, Harry quickly regained his spunk. "Honey," he said, flabbergasted. "I'm not going anywhere with you."

The giant looked hurt and taken aback. "Well aren't yeh a dainty one?" he said, his grin returning. "Well if we're not goin' anywhere ..." the giant strode over to the sofa in the living-room which sagged dangerously under his weight. "Couldn't make us a cup o' tea, could yeh? Not what they've been drinking, mind," the giant chuckled, then sighed. "It's not been an easy journey ..."

Not knowing what else to do, Harry retreated to the kitchen to make that tea.

"Ta, good on yeh," the giant said, acknowledging the salad bowl of tea Harry served him. "Oi!" he exclaimed suddenly, sloshing the tea around the bowl. "I almost forgot!" From an inside pocket of his black overcoat he pulled a slightly squashed box. "Got sommat fer yeh here - I mighta sat on it at some point, but it'll taste all right. Anyway - Harry, a very happy birthday to yeh."

Harry opened the box with a combination of apprehension and glee. No one had ever - ever - wished him a happy birthday, much less given him a birthday gift! Inside the box was a large, sticky chocolate cake with Happy Birthday Harry written on it in green icing. Harry looked up at the giant. He meant to say thank you, but the words were trapped behind the teary sniff of a boy whose only birthday gift ever was just delivered by a possibly homicidal, probably unsound, positively enormous ruffian. "Who are you?" he finally managed.

The giant chuckled again.

"I haven't even introduced meself. Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."

Hogwarts, so that was what the 'H' stood for. Harry hid his disappointment at this finding and reached out to have his whole arm shaken by the enormous hand held out by one Rubeus Hagrid.

The pair snacked on cake and tea in silence for a few minutes. Finally, as it didn't seem Rubeus Hagrid was about to explain anything, Harry said, "I'm sorry, but I still don't really know who you are."

The giant took a gulp of tea and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Call me Hagrid," he said, "everyone does. An' like I told yeh, I'm keeper of keys at Hogwarts - yeh know all about Hogwarts, o' course."

"Well no." Harry answered, pouting slightly. He had thought he knew, but alas.

Hagrid looked astonished. "But - but," he stammered. "Yeh sent the note." Hagrid rummaged through his numerous pockets until he finally found what he was looking for. "Professor McGonagall got this yesterday." He flattened Harry's note onto the table and read it to himself under his breath.

To Whom It May Concern:

My relatives are a bit conservative and are keeping me from the letters you have been sending. I am very interested in your school but am unable to send a proper reply as I don't know exactly what you've sent me. I will be starting Stonewall Academy in September (address at end of letter) if possible, please re-send the letter to that address in the fall. If all goes well perhaps I could transfer schools mid-term or next year.

I appreciate your efforts in contacting me but please stop sending the letters here; they are making my relatives crazy.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

"Yes," Harry agreed. "I sent that so I could get more information. I didn't expect someone to show up all hot and bothered."

Hagrid seemed to relax. "Well they had to send someone didn't they? Can't have yeh startin' late, that Stonewall place can't teach yeh wha' yeh need ta know, yeh'd be a year behind, wouldn't yeh?"

"I'm sorry, big fella, but I don't understand."

"Well Stonewall's is a muggle school. Blimey Harry, yeh don't think yer mum and da' just figured it all out on their own."

"Figured all what out?" asked Harry.

"ALL WHAT?" Hagrid thundered. "Now wait jus' one second!" He had leaped to his feet. In his anger he seemed to fill the whole living-room. "Do you mean to tell me that yeh know nothin' about ANYTHING?"

"Well see here," Harry thought this was going much too far. He put his hand on his hip and continued. "I can make a souffle like nobody's business, not to mention doing my maths and science. I may be rough around the edges but I'm not unschooled!"

But Hagrid simply waved his hand and said, "About our world, I mean. Yer world. My world. Yer parents' world."

"What world?"

Hagrid stared wildly at Harry.

Harry knew this look and stepped back a pace or two. "I'm sorry," he said.

"Sorry?" barked Hagrid, "it's them as should be sorry!" he waved toward the dozing Dursleys. "McGonagall said yeh weren't getting' yer letters but I never thought yeh wouldn't even know about Hogwarts, fer cryin' out loud!" He became still. "Yeh don' know what yer parents were do ya? Yeh don't know what you are." Hagrid sat back down on the sofa, which groaned and sank even lower. He mumbled to himself, "They never told him ... Never told him what was in the letter Dumbledore left fer him ... I saw Dumbledore leave it and they've been keeping it from him all these years ..."

"Keeping what from me?" said Harry, exasperated.

"Harry, yer a wizard - an' no, I'm not mad. I'm a wizard, yer mum and da' were wizards, and yer one too ... An' a thumpin' good'un I'd say once yeh've been trained up a bit. With a mum an' da' like yours, what else would yeh be?"

Harry was looking at Hagrid like he had just stuck his head in the chocolate cake and doused his crotch with the salad bowl of tea. He didn't feel like he was in any real danger, if the giant had wanted to hurt him, he would likely have done so already, but really, this man was clearly missing the lace-ups in his corset.

Hagrid saw the disbelief on Harry's face. He arose from the sofa once more, drew a battered pink umbrella from inside his coat and looked about the house. Spotting the spilled breakfast platter, he motioned Harry to the kitchen and held out his umbrella. With a jumble of words and a flash of violet light, the eggs and sausage leaped back into the plate and the plate up onto the table.

Harry stood with his hands to his gaping mouth.

"A wizard, Harry."

"But me?" Harry whispered, breathless. " ... That's impossible."

"Come on Harry, haven't you ever made things happen that shouldn't a' happened? Maybe when you was scared, or angry?"

Harry thought for a moment. Now he came to think about it ... "And Uncle Vernon and the Tuna knew all along?"

"It's damn righ' they knew." So that's what the Dursleys had wanted to stamp out of him all this time? Harry supposed they hoped that that would be stamped out in the bargain.

"So Hogwarts is for wizards, then."

"Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, that's righ'. That's where yer parents wanted yeh to go, and it's where yeh'll go if yeh want to."

Harry nodded his head still dumbfounded. The School for Boys and Girls Who Were That Way, But Not Necessarily That Way. It beat Stonewall in any case.

"Best be off, Harry, lots ter do today, gotta get up ter London an' buy all yer stuff fer school." Hagrid waited for Harry to put on his jacket and grab his shoulder bag. "Get yer feet firm on the ground," Hagrid thrust his hand into a pocket of his overcoat, "and grab hold o' this."

Harry's eyes widened in astonishment and delight, before Hagrid excavated the rolled up newspaper that had caught under his coat, now extended towards him.

"It's a portkey, bring us straigh' to the alley."

Harry's eyes widened again before he was distracted by the feeling that a hook just behind his navel had been suddenly jerked irresistibly forwards. His feet had left the ground; they were speeding forwards in a howl of wind and swirling colour; his hand was stuck to the rolled up newspaper as though it was pulling him magnetically onwards and then -

His feet slammed into the ground; Hagrid shuffled backward to keep his balance and reached a hand out to steady Harry whose nimble feet were not enough to keep him upright.

They had landed on the edge of a cobbled street that twisted and turned in all directions.

"Welcome," said Hagrid, "to Diagon Alley."