Some Days I Wish I Were in Slytherin

Chapter 7: The Pain Within

"Now when the Stupefy Curse is cast, it leaves the victim in a state of semiconsciousness, which if combined with other curses can lead to shock."

The droning voice was starting to push her into a state of semiconsciousness; she could feel her chin sinking towards her chest and her eyelids growing heavy. The hard chair made it difficult to get comfortable, and she shifted irritably as she opened her eyes and gripped her quill tightly in an attempt to focus.

"So when we take the ambient pH of the victim's humors and equilibrate them with the appropriate acidic or alkaline potions, you replenish ..."

"Here, looks like you need this."

Ginny jumped as Draco dropped into the seat next to her and handed her a steaming mug of coffee. She recovered quickly, seizing the cup and taking a deep gulp. She rolled her eyes heavenward and whispered, "Thank You."

"Think nothing of it," he said. "Your undying gratitude is thanks enough. Oh, and of course, your first born child."

The wrinkled old witch in front of them turned around and scowled. "Do you mind?"

Draco made a rude motion with his wand hand as she turned away. Undeterred, he took Ginny's quill and wrote in the margin of her notes.

"I think she's half hag. Now about your first born child."

Ginny took back the quill and scribbled. "How do you know I don't already have one?"

"Flitwick's love child isn't he?"

"Yes, but at least the child was small. Sent him off to live with the pygmies. Don't worry. I named him Slimy Git after you."

"Ah, yes, my middle name. This is boring, let's skive off."

"Can't. Snape will have my hide." She indicated a few rows up, where Snape was looking daggers at them. "Literally it looks like."

"Fine, don't want to make your boyfriend mad. Meet me outside after, we'll have lunch." He gave her back the quill and sauntered out of the lecture hall.

Ginny smiled to herself and took another drink of coffee. It almost made up for her sleepless night. She'd been awake till at least three, and seeing bags under her eyes in the mirror this morning hadn't helped her mood.

The final forty five minutes of the lecture passed with agonizing slowness. She took notes mindlessly, her thoughts vacillating between her plot to ensnare Draco and her upcoming class with Snape. He'd passed her in the hotel lobby that morning without a word, only an icy glare. At least he looked worse than she did. The thought cheered her, and she managed to make it through the lecture without chewing off her arm. When the wizard finished speaking, Ginny stood up quickly before he could ask for questions and pushed her way through the mob headed towards the exit.

In the hallway, she saw a silvery blonde head reclined against a post and made her way over.

"Miss me?" she asked.

"Counted the seconds." He nodded at the crowd behind her. "Your boyfriend's looking for you."

She turned and saw Snape gazing at them coldly as he walked past. She turned to Draco and smiled. "He's just jealous, can't stand to see his honey pie wasting time on a girl."

Draco grimaced, and she took his arm and pulled him in the opposite direction. "Now what did you say about lunch?"

The small restaurant was small, dimly lit, and private. They settled into opposite sides of a booth, and the waiter brought them tea and bowls of soup. Ginny idly swirled tea leaves around the bottom of her cup as she waited for the soup to cool.

"Thinking of taking up Divination?" Draco asked.

She looked up and smiled. "Not bloody likely. After Ron told me what a joke that class was I took Muggle Studies instead."

"Oh, and that'll be really useful," he said. "Then again, I suppose your family needs something to aspire to."

"Sod off Malfoy. If there was a class called "How to Make Enemies and Alienate People" you'd be the star pupil."

"Actually, I'd be the teacher," he replied. "So far you're only getting an acceptable grade, but if you keep up the good work, you'll make outstanding yet. Of course I do accept bribes."

Ginny checked her soup and began to sip it. "What kind of bribes?"

"Now Weasley, certainly your parents wouldn't approve of cheating?"

"What they don't know won't hurt them. Besides, I'm past the point of needing their approval." Her eyes followed a white haired old man who had just walked into the restaurant. He paused for a moment looking at the two of them; his eyes widened with recognition, and he hastily headed for a table in the back.

"Or maybe you want the opposite," Draco said. "I certainly can understand that."

He jerked his head in the direction of the wizard. "He works in your Dad's department, doesn't he?"

Ginny nodded and looked scornfully at the back of the man's head. "Perkins. Another classic underachiever of the ministry."

"Yes I think you'll definitely get an O. Now about that bribe." His hand reached for her knee under the table, and she swatted it away.

"Why bother if I've already got the grade?" She looked at him over the rim of her cup and took a sip.

"There's always extra credit. Besides, it will give your dad's coworker something to report."

"There is that." She looked at him, her brown eyes thoughtful. "That's a bit tarty of you Malfoy. Didn't think you'd let yourself be used like that."

"Just think of it as helping out a friend. Besides, I thought you wanted to stir things up a little. Don't tell me that was all just talk."

"Hardly," she said. "Now this is strictly business, right? I disrupt my parent's perfect little world, and you ... what do you get exactly?"

"I thought that would be obvious." His eyes went from her lips to the hollow of her neck, and then back to her eyes. "I mean, isn't pissing off Potter and your brother enough?"

Ginny lifted an eyebrow. "Sure, Malfoy. You just keep telling yourself that." She stood up and dropped her napkin on the table. "I'll be right back."

Draco hit the table with his fist as she walked away. Damn her, what was she doing? At first it had taken an effort to be nice to her, but now he was actually enjoying talking to her. She was a challenge, that was certain, but nothing he couldn't handle. He remembered what his Grandfather had said on the train. How had the old man known she had this side to her? Somehow, he sensed in her the same cold fire that drove him. The problem was he hadn't expected her to be so likeable. He shook the thought off as quickly as it came. Malfoys did not like anyone, especially Weasleys, but he was starting to admit the thought of bringing Ginny over to their side was beginning to be appealing in more ways than one.

Ginny stared into the mirror in the ladies room and took a deep breath. She'd been shocked to see her dad's coworker in the restaurant, but if she wanted Draco to believe that she was serious, something like this would have to happen eventually. She would come up with something to tell her parents later. Her eyebrows furrowed in thought, and she remembered Snape's rule number one. Malfoy would never imagine people could be poor, yet happy, so it seemed perfectly reasonable to him that she hated her parents. Truthfully, she had always felt a little resentful about growing up poor. It was strange though, Malfoy wasn't as bad as she'd thought, once he let his guard down. Not that she trusted him. She ran her brush through her hair and undid the top button of her shirt. Well, let the games begin.

The food had arrived at their table when she returned, and Draco was helping himself to rice and vegetables. She circled behind him and ran her hand across his shoulders before sliding next to him on his side of the booth. She kissed him on the cheek and murmured. "Did you miss me this time?" She picked up a piece of mushroom from his plate and popped it in her mouth.

Draco grabbed her hand and gave her a pair of chopsticks. "Use these, and yes, strangely enough I did."

They passed the rest of the meal arguing cheerfully as he tried to teach her how to use the chopsticks. Of course he had to hold her hand to show her the proper grip while she gazed soulfully at him, and somehow this led to him kissing her after her fortune cookie told her to expect a pleasant surprise; all for the benefit of Perkins of course. Draco kept looking past Ginny at the old man and giving her progress reports.

Perkins was watching them distractedly and kept dropping his food. He almost choked on his chicken feet soup when Draco kissed her. When Ginny went under the tablecloth to get her dropped napkin, he panicked, tossed some sickles at the waiter, and hobbled out the door as fast as he could.

Ginny pushed aside the table cloth and stood up, her napkin in her hand. "Did he leave? What did he think I was going to ...Oh yes, I see." Her cheeks flushed a little, and she sat down across from Draco.

"It's not too late you know, you still could." He grinned at her.

Ginny shot him a look. "You wish, Malfoy." She gathered her notebook and quill and stood up. "I better get back for the afternoon lectures. We're still on for tomorrow?"

He looked up at her. "I'll pick you up outside your hotel at eleven. Don't forget to dress casual, no robes."

Ginny nodded and started to walk away, but turned back and smiled. "Be a good boy and maybe you'll have better luck next time."

Draco closed his mouth and pushed away his dessert as she went out the door. Suddenly he wasn't hungry.

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Ginny's hands shook as she read the chapter on the Cruciatus curse a final time. She had skipped dinner and gone straight to her room to meditate and review after the last lecture. The description of the curse sounded terrible; agonizing pain, contorted limbs, and eventual madness if carried on too long. The curse was illegal. Certainly Snape wouldn't cast it on her would he? She tried to calm her thoughts and center herself, but it was difficult. She sat up on her bed and looked at the clock. Almost time for her lesson, she might as well go now.

Snape responded quickly to her knock, opening the door before she had a chance to step back. He looked at her coldly. "Good evening, Miss Weasley. I trust you had a productive day?"

She nodded and entered the room, sinking down onto the rug with her legs folded under her. She placed her hands on her knees so their trembling wouldn't be obvious and raised her eyes.

He was staring at her, his black eyes bitter. He cast the secrecy ward and stood over her. "You're awfully quiet tonight. Regretting some things you've said?"

Ginny looked back at him. "Not a one," she said softly.

"Pity," he said. A little smile crossed his lips, and then he turned and began to look through the contents of his trunk. "For tonight's lesson, I am going to teach you how to survive the Cruciatus curse. I will be interested to see how you fare."

He produced a small ring out of the trunk. "This is a ring which I have enchanted to mimic the effects of the Cruciatus Curse. It can not kill you, and the enchantment ends if you become too ... affected, but it will nonetheless give you a taste for what it's really like." He shut the trunk and stood looking down at her intently.

"The important thing to realize about the Cruciatus curse is that the sensation of pain is controlled by your mind. Surviving it is simply mind over matter. You may be able to endure the curse as I can. There are many people who don't have the will or the ability to do so." He sat down in front of her, his expression serious. "The key is accepting the pain. The pain is there. It is not imaginary, and only by truly accepting it can you survive. It will still be painful, excruciating actually, but it will be different, it will be bearable. The people who fight the pain, who struggle and rage are the ones who will die or be driven mad. It is essential you be able to resist this curse because it may be used against you, to test you, or to punish you. Do you understand me?"

Ginny swallowed and tried to remember to breathe. "Yes. I think I do. Is it kind of like Devil's Snare? The more you struggle the worse it is?"

"Somewhat, the idea is similar. Of course Devil's Snare is not particularly painful." His eyes were still cold as he looked at her. "I will be here with you, to end the enchantment if necessary; I'll also try to coach you as best I can. Are you ready?"

She nodded her head imperceptibly. He leaned forward and handed her the ring.

"First I want you to meditate, try to clear your mind and focus only on your breathing. When you feel you are ready, put on the ring. If it becomes too unbearable tell me, and I will end the enchantment."

Ginny closed her eyes and held the ring in her hand. It emitted a faintly unpleasant stinging sensation. She concentrated on the way the sharp edges of the metal felt in her hand and began to meditate. In, out, in, out, she let thoughts of her parents, of Snape, of Draco, come and go in her mind. Finally it was only her and her breathing; she could feel the warm current of air entering her lungs and circling though her body before it left again. She focused on that feeling, slipped the ring onto her finger, and felt.

Pain, agony, there was no other way to describe it. Every nerve, every fiber of her being was screaming in torment. She felt as if she was being torn apart, as if all the skin was being ripped off her body. Her back had turned freezing cold, yet she could feel sweat pouring down it. Her stomach was in knots, and tears were streaming down her face. It went on and on, and she could only cry and scream. Just when she thought she could not take it any more, the pain stopped abruptly, and she fell face down on the floor as her rigid muscles turned to water.

Snape's hands held her up and put a glass of water to her lips. She was shaking, and her teeth chattered against the glass. He wrapped a blanket around her and when the spasms stopped said, "That was a good start, Weasley. You lasted a good five minutes, better than most."

She stammered, "But I didn't do anything. All I could feel was the pain, I couldn't do anything." Her mouth was dry and tasted of iron, and she realized it was because her tongue was bleeding.

"True, but you didn't struggle. You showed a surprising amount of restraint considering your heritage. I expected you to be a bit more stubborn. Rest for a while and we'll try it again."

Ginny wanted to cry out in protest, but took one look at Snape's expression and suppressed it. He looked at her as if he wanted her to fail. She threw the blanket off and took another drink of water. "I'm ready."

She closed her eyes and prepared herself, trying to ignore the cramps in her legs and arms. All in the mind, she told herself, concentrate, accept. She opened her eyes and stared straight into Snape's as she put the ring on. This time she knew what to expect, so she was not taken by surprise. Nevertheless, searing waves of white hot torture assaulted her body. They washed over her like molten lava, forcing her breath into sobs as she shook. She focused on Snape's eyes. His black pupils and only slightly lighter irises were wide as he looked at her. Her pain riddled mind recognized some emotion deep inside of them, and she seized on it, holding on to it as a lifeline.

"You're not accepting it." She could hear his oddly disembodied voice in the back of her consciousness. "Feel the pain, embrace it."

It was killing her; the pain was killing her. Harsh noises unrecognizable in any known language issued from her throat. Her nails were digging into her palms, and she could feel the blistering heat of the ring course up her arm and spread through her bloodstream. She couldn't do it, it was too much ... She felt Snape's hands grasp her shoulders, and he brought his face close, staring directly into her eyes.

"Accept the pain, embrace it. Accept the pain, Weasley." He shook her hard, and his eyes came alive with fire. "Take the pain and use it. I'm telling you, take it. Take it."

Something inside her responded to his words. A violent explosion of heat wracked her body, and she fell against him. The pain warped in her mind, and suddenly her body was no longer contorting with pain but with its polar opposite. Waves of feeling detonated inside her, overwhelmed her, and the last thing she remembered was his smile, vicious and pleased.

*****************************************

Ginny rolled over in bed and groaned as her muscles shrieked in agony. She pushed herself up on trembling arms. Where was she? What had happened to her? Her breath caught in her throat as she realized she was still in Snape's room. She peered anxiously through the early morning light flooding the chamber, and as her eyes fell upon the sleeping form in the chair, her throat grew tight. Shame colored her cheeks, and tears filled her eyes as she remembered the look on his face. She felt violated and ashamed, yet warmth went through her veins at the memory, making her feel sick to her stomach. How could he not have told her that resisting the Cruciatus curse was only possible by the mind achieving a state where it mutated the pain into other sensations? He had said he'd resisted it too, he knew what would happen. He knew he would see her like that.

She averted her eyes and struggled with the covers, easing out of bed. Her feet hit the floor and she hissed with pain then collapsed in a heap. Snape awoke and was instantly at her side. She jerked away from him and stumbled against the bed.

"Don't touch me." She tried to make her way towards the door, determined not to look at him, but her legs wouldn't cooperate. She flinched as he guided her to a chair.

"Sit down," he told her. "I've got a potion that will take away the soreness and relax your muscles." He handed her a pale blue phial. "Drink this."

She sniffed the potion and drank it, grimacing with distaste. It felt like her tongue had grown fur but, within seconds, her muscle aches eased and she felt her body relax. She stood up and threw the phial at Snape.

"Never, ever, do that to me again, you depraved bastard! Why didn't you tell me what would happen?"

He regarded her coldly. "And if I had told you, do you think you would have gone through with it?"

Ginny glared at him. "That still doesn't give you the right. You had no right to do that to me. No right to see me like ... like that."

He closed the distance between them and sneered. "Do you think the Dark Lord's supporters would give you fair warning? Would be considerate? This is not a tea party, Weasley. This is what you have to be prepared for, what you may have to do. Dark magic is not just dying and death. It is human emotion, human frailty, and it must be twisted if it is to be controlled, unless you want it to control you. If you can't accept this, and want to change your mind, this is the time."

She looked up at him and closed her mouth. He was right. He was an insufferable bastard, but he was right. He was capable of cruelty, he was cold, but then he had to be. She wouldn't let him make her quit.

"I'm not changing my mind," she said.

"Good." He looked at her, and somehow she felt as if she'd passed a kind of test. For once, his expression was open, his eyes gentle. "For what it is worth, Miss Weasley, you shouldn't feel ashamed. You were able to counter a curse most people will never be able to resist. It was your power alone that did it. I was nothing but a bystander."

Somehow his words eased her turmoil. For the second time in her life, she had felt betrayed, used, unclean. She thought she had put those emotions behind her, thought she had put Tom behind her, but she hadn't. The memory of what he had done to her was there all along, but for the first time she felt his influence lessened, as if she was the one in control now. She looked at Snape. He was right. She did have power. Power over her own life; power over her destiny.

"Why did you say those things to me last night?" she asked, a blush threatening to come to her cheeks as she remembered the way his voice had sounded.

"Because it was what you needed to hear."

Ginny looked down at her hands, trying not to think of what that meant. She brought her eyes back up to meet his. "And the other part, you know what I felt."

"Yes, I do, but not exactly. Everyone who conquers the spell feels differently. Certain people feel merely joy or sadness. Some laugh, some weep, it is merely a letting go of emotions. Taking the pain into your body and letting it go again." He shrugged. "Feeling emotion is nothing to be ashamed of, Miss Weasley. Now it is best that you go, or you will keep Mr. Malfoy waiting."

Ginny felt a dam of tension burst inside her. He didn't know. He didn't know what the curse had made her feel. She made her way to the door, the shame she felt combating with a sense of relief.

Snape watched her go, a small smile on his lips. Yes, keep your lies as close to the truth as possible.