Can I Make It Mine?

Can I Make It Mine? by Gertie Keddle

Sirius had become fairly adept by now at immediately knowing that he wasn't in his own world when he stepped out from the veil and he had that same sinking feeling again. But it felt familiar, too. Sort of right but not quite. He considered stepping back through the veil to try again but first he had to make sure. Besides, the veil was gone.

A quick glance around and he realised he was standing behind Borgin & Burkes. Fuck. Knockturn Alley was no better a place to be out in the open than Diagon Alley in the middle of the afternoon. If he was still a fugitive in this world, he wouldn't last long in his present form. He quickly transformed into a big, black dog - the best disguise he had. He was getting sick of this. Maybe if this universe is all right, if Remus is here and there's no other Sirius, maybe I'll just stay here. Maybe this Remus needs me. He shook his head impatiently, trying to force out the disloyal thoughts. His Remus needed him. Harry needed him.

He padded quickly down the cobblestoned street keeping his head low but his ears pricked. The best way to find out where he was was to overhear some snippet of conversation. Although, in Knockturn Alley, that was unlikely. Most of its inhabitants and visitors kept to themselves and even hurried whispered conversation was unlikely out in the street. Conversation was more likely in the back room of some dark shop. Diagon Alley was his best bet. He hurried to the end of the street and turned the corner.

The difference between the two streets was incredible. Even though they backed onto each other, Knockturn Alley seemed so dark and dirty and even the air smelled musty. Diagon Alley, by contrast, was alive and bright and the air fresh. The noise in the street was comforting. How would the people who were here, minding their own business as they went about their shopping, react if Sirius Black suddenly appeared? It was tempting to find out but too reckless even for him. Best to just move among the crowd and hope he could find out what this world was about.

He pushed past a couple of small children arguing about Quidditch teams and into the throng of shoppers.

"... so I said cook your own dinner and ... "

" ... see that goal by ... "

" ... meet at six o'clock at ... "

" ... new robes for the party ... "

Do these people really have nothing better to talk about than dinners and parties and Quidditch? How the hell am I supposed to find out where I am from that? Definitely not my world. If it was, they'd all be talking about Voldemort and home security and things like that. People'd have to know he's back by now.

Sirius had reached the end of the street but was none the wiser. He slowly walked back. Maybe he could at least find something to eat in a rubbish bin or something. Maybe behind the Leaky Cauldron. That was always a good spot. He threaded his way quickly between the many legs in his path and stopped behind the pub. He was right. It looked like Tom had thrown out some good stuff. There was some sort of meat there with some gravy still on it and some roast potatoes. A veritable feast! His paws resting on the top edge of the bin, he stuck his head in and his teeth tore at the meat. He pulled out a couple of potatoes with his mouth and dropped them to the ground to enjoy properly; it just wasn't the same with his head shoved into a bin.

While his mouth worked on the potatoes, his eyes darted around for perhaps some more scraps before spying a discarded newspaper in the corner. Wolfing down the last potato quickly, he bounded over to the corner and snatched the paper up in his teeth. This could help. This could tell me exactly what I need to know then I can get out of here.

He had a quick look around. Now would be perfect. There was a lull in the people traffic. Plenty of people still in Diagon Alley but no one walking behind the pub at the moment. He transformed back to human form and hunched down into his robes, keeping his face turned away from the street and opened the paper. He flicked through it quickly but there was no mention of Voldemort or Death Eaters or him. He was about to throw the paper away when a familiar picture caught his eye.

Fuck! It can't be!

"MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE"

Arthur Weasley, Head of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office at the Ministry of Magic, has won the annual Daily Prophet Grand Prize Galleon Draw.

A delighted Mr Weasley told the Daily Prophet, 'We will be spending the gold on a summer holiday in Egypt, where our eldest son, Bill, works as a curse breaker for Gringotts Wizarding Bank.'

The Weasley family will be spending a month in Egypt, returning for the start of the new school year at Hogwarts, which five of the Weasley children currently attend.

And there was the picture he knew so well. All nine of the Weasleys standing in front of a pyramid in Egypt and Wormtail there on Ron's shoulder. How many times had he seen that picture? That article? He'd agonised over it for weeks. What did it mean? He turned back to the front page and checked the date. 25 July 1993!

Back in time? In his world or some other?

Who knows? Whatever, I don't belong here. Best get back to the veil and move on quickly.

He started to scrunch the paper but the weather report on the masthead caught his eye. Full moon tonight. Not his Remus, not his problem. He threw the paper in a nearby bin and prepared to Disapparate. His stomach clenched uncomfortably. He thought of all the Remuses he'd met recently. So many of them suffered, at least a little, dealing with full moons on their own. His own Remus had over the years. Sirius would've liked someone - anyone - to be with him. Then and now.

He sighed. It was just a few hours. He'd find Remus, run with him and then find the veil. No problem.

******

The front of the house, paint peeling from the door included, looked the same as it always had. Had to be Remus' house. Having decided already that if Remus didn't live there he'd just leave, Sirius wasn't sure whether he was glad or disappointed. Still an hour to go until the moon would be out. Sighing, he hunkered down in the bushes near the house and changed into Padfoot. Best to meet Remus as Moony and Padfoot, he reckoned. Moony would recognise him immediately, whereas Remus' first instinct would likely be to pull his wand. Maybe. Who knew? Best to be safe.

******

Padfoot woke to a sudden but not unfamiliar growl. Instantly alert, he leapt to his feet, hackles raised, and glared at the werewolf. He supposed it was shock that caused Moony to back off but, whatever it was, he was grateful. He relaxed his body and barked excitedly, running circles around Moony. This was fun. He'd missed it. He stopped suddenly and bounded off towards the woods behind the house. He turned back to check on Moony who was standing stock still. Padfoot padded a few steps towards Moony, barked once, tossed his head and turned back towards the woods, running slowly. The wolf ran after him and they were quickly enveloped by the trees.

******

Dawn was about to break and the moon had gone. Remus was asleep on the ground. Even asleep, he looked exhausted. Sirius muttered a quick spell and lifted Remus into his arms. Slowly, he carried him back to the house and laid him carefully onto the couch. He went to the linen cupboard and rooted around hastily, finding a blanket which he threw over Remus. Remus' breathing was harsh and laboured. Sirius knelt beside him and smoothed his hair from his face. It was tiring to switch between Sirius and Padfoot but it was nothing compared with what Remus went through every month. At least it wasn't painful for Sirius.

Sirius smiled as he looked at the prematurely deep lines around Remus' eyes, mouth and across his forehead. The greying hair around the temples. He ran his hand lightly through the rest of Remus' hair, backwards so it stuck up. So much more grey hair underneath, although the top was starting to catch up. It was about half grey all over now, bits of brown mixed in between. The grey made it look hard and wiry but, in reality, it was soft to the touch. Could do with a cut, though. It's length was ridiculous for running in the woods. It was all matted, with bits of trees and grass stuck in it. He thought about combing it but decided it could wait until Remus woke. It was so knotty it'd only wake Remus now if he combed it and rest was far more important. Remus, Remus. A wave of love for this man washed over him. He wanted to stay.

He stood quickly. He couldn't stay. This wasn't his Remus, no matter how much he looked like him. Was him. Wasn't him. It wasn't enough. He moved quickly down the hallway to the bathroom. He'd clean Remus up and then head off to find the veil before Remus woke. Easier that way. No conversation. Nothing. He grabbed a towel from the rail behind the bathroom door and took some antiseptic potion from the bathroom cabinet. Turning back to the hallway, he heard an odd noise coming from the spare room across the hallway. Like an alarm. The door was slightly ajar. Frowning, he pushed the door slowly inwards, avoiding making it creak. The noise was louder. An alarm clock. In the spare room?

He pushed the door all the way open and blinked several times, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Large shapes came into focus. Bed, chest of drawers, wardrobe and some dark shadows. It didn't appear that anyone was in there. He raised his wand and whispered, "Lumos." His wand tip ignited and he slowly moved it around. No one was in there. He switched on the Muggle light and stepped into the room. It looked lived in but definitely no one here now. The alarm - a clock - was annoying the shit out of him and he moved to the bedside table and switched it off. Blessed silence.

Whose room was this? In his world, it'd always been a spare room. A room for guests to stay (not that many did) and for Remus' study. Now, it looked like a child's room. Sort of. Actually, more like a young teenager's room. A few child's toys and books were stuffed onto the backs of the shelves but the things strewn over the floor and the bed belonged to a slightly older child. The room looked like it was in a transition. A teenage size broomstick leaning against the wall, some text books piled on the floor, photos on the shelves. Still a toy broomstick on the floor but pushed to the very edge of the room, as if it was still a treasured possession but had been replaced by the larger broom. A feeling of dread welled inside of him as he moved to the desk to examine a photo there. He knew without looking closely at it what it would be but he couldn't help himself. His hand trembling, he picked it up.

******

Sirius watched Remus as he began to stir, first rubbing his eyes and then running his hands gingerly over his face, his fingers stopping uncertainly as they touched the bandaids placed there by Sirius. Remus sat up suddenly, wincing as the pain of his aching muscles hit him, and looked around wildly. Sirius didn't move from his chair but was alert and ready should Remus try to attack him. Remus' eyes found his and Sirius continued to watch as emotions of, first, joy, then fear, then anger and, finally, a mixture of all three, contorted Remus' face.

"How did you get out of Azkaban?" Remus asked harshly.

Sirius shook his head and held up his hand. "Later," he said. "It's not what you think." He stood and moved closer to the couch as Remus jumped up, his eyes darting around the room in search of his wand. "It's on the table next to you," Sirius said. Remus groped around on the table, finally catching his wand, his eyes never leaving Sirius'.

"I didn't kill James and Lily, Remus. I was never working for Voldemort," Sirius said, before Remus could point his wand. "I wasn't the spy. You have to believe me."

Remus looked at him warily, his wand hovering between 'peace' and 'attack' positions, obviously confused. "You must have," he said, hoarsely. "There's no other explanation."

Sirius smiled ruefully. "Harry lives with you," he said flatly. "For how long?"

Remus' eyes widened and he raised his wand.

Sirius held up his hands. "I'm not here to hurt Harry. And I'm not here to hurt you. You have to believe that, Remus. Look," he said, pointing to the mantelpiece behind Remus. "My wand's over there."

Remus' head whipped around quickly, his eyes finding Sirius' wand, and then snapped back to look at Sirius. "Explain," he demanded.

Sirius sighed and rubbed his hands over his face hard, forcing himself into full wakefulness. Now was not the time for drowsiness. "Do you want something to eat first? You must be hungry. I could make you ..." His sentence trailed off as he saw Remus' vigorous head shake. "OK, let's sit down then. It's sort of a long, confusing story. I'm not exactly who you think I am."

******

"This isn't possible!" Remus exclaimed. "It can't be! Except ..."

Sirius nodded. "Moony knew me."

Remus stared at him as he chewed on a sandwich mechanically. Some time during the telling and the retelling and the next retelling, they'd moved to the kitchen where Remus had made sandwiches. The plate on the table between them was still half full, neither of them really hungry, both eating some of the sandwiches because they were there but not really tasting them.

"So it was Peter all along?" Remus asked for what seemed to Sirius like the thousandth time.

Sirius nodded. "Well, in my dimension it was. A lot here seems the same - just a bit delayed. But other things are different, too. So maybe it wasn't Peter here."

"No, it must have been," Remus stated firmly. "I could never truly believe it was Sirius. It was just that there was so much evidence." His head snapped up sharply as he looked from the table back to Sirius. "How can I be sure, though?"

"Do you have yesterday's Daily Prophet?" Sirius asked.

Remus nodded and reached behind him to the bench, snagging the paper and putting it on the table between them. Sirius ripped it open quickly and refolded it so that the article about the Weasleys was prominent. "There," he said, thrusting the paper back to Remus. "There's Wormtail, sitting on Ron's shoulder. Look closely and you'll see one of his toes is missing. That's how I knew for certain it was him. He cut off his finger just before he disappeared down the drain. Surely you've seen him. Wormtail. Scabbers. When Ron's stayed here?"

Remus' face crinkled as he stared intently at the picture, his knuckles turning white as he gripped the paper hard. "Ron doesn't stay here. Harry stays at Ron's house sometimes. Usually during full moons. So you escaped when you saw this?" Remus asked.

Sirius hesitated. "Yes, but ... Remus, I'm not the same Sirius from this world. You have to understand that. Your Sirius ... the Sirius you know is still in Azkaban. And things are a bit different here, too."

Remus frowned as he looked at Sirius. "Different how?"

"Harry," Sirius said. "He lives with you, doesn't he?"

Remus nodded. "Of course he does. Where else would he live?"

Sirius smiled sadly. "In my world, he lives with his aunt and uncle. Lily's sister and her husband."

"In this world, Lily and her sister didn't get along at all," Remus snorted. "No way would she have Harry living with her. I doubt she even knows Harry exists, let alone that Lily and James are dead."

"They didn't get along in my world, either," Sirius explained. "I'm not quite sure why Petunia agreed to Harry living with her family. Dumbledore had something to do with it and you know how persuasive he can be. I assume that was it."

Remus stared silently at the wall, digesting all the details. Feeling restless, Sirius got up from the table and took a glass from the shelf above the bench. He filled it with water from the sink tap and drank it quickly. "Where's Harry now?" he asked urgently.

"What? Oh, he stayed with Arabella Figg during the full moon. He used to stay there all the time. During the full moons, I mean. Now, mostly, he stays at Ron's place but, well, with the Weasleys in Egypt, he went to Arabella's place. He's used to it. Says now that he's older, he should be able to stay with me. It'd probably be OK, but I'd rather not take the chance. I mostly use a Wolfsbane potion, now, but sometimes I don't get it in time. I can't brew it myself so Severus has to send it to me. This time ..."

Sirius smiled as Remus babbled nervously and knelt next to him, stroking his hair soothingly. "It's OK, Remus. Calm down. I know this is a lot to get your head around."

Remus' face muscles relaxed and he stroked a finger lightly down Sirius' cheek, then traced the outline of his lips. "What happens now?"

Sirius tensed. This was the question he'd dreaded. He wanted to stay. Here. With Remus and Harry. They could be a family and put things right before they got out of control. He knew what was going to happen. He could change it. He could stay. He looked into Remus' eyes and saw love there. Knew it was reflected in his own eyes. He was sick of wandering around trying to find his home. This could be his home. He knew it could. I want to stay here with you, Remus. He smiled at a man he loved. "I find the veil and I go home."

"But ... this is your home," Remus said.

Sirius shook his head sadly. "No, it's not. Much as I'd love it to be, it's not." Unable to stand it any longer, he kissed the Remus in front of him softly on the lips and drew away quickly. "I'd love to stay here with you and with Harry but it's not possible, Remus. You know that."

"No, I don't know that!" Remus shouted, standing so quickly his chair clattered to the floor loudly. "You are Sirius. And I am Remus. You said this is just like your world. I want you stay. I need you to stay."

Sirius stood and faced Remus. "I'm sorry. This is harder for you than it is for me, I know that. I've been to so many worlds and found so many Remuses, I'm getting used to leaving them. It doesn't make it any easier for me to leave, though, believe me!" he added, as Remus' eyes widened in disbelief. "It just has to be that way. Remus, if there was no other Sirius in this world, believe me, I'd stay! I'm sick of trying to find my home. Going from world to world to world, not knowing what's going to happen. What I'll find in each one. And this, here ... this is so much like my own home. You and Harry are here. And Harry lives with you. That makes it sort of better! Nothing much else seems to be different from my own. I'd love to stay here, Remus, I really would," he said earnestly. Then his gaze moved to the floor. "But there's already a Sirius here. There can't be two of us. And there's the Remus I've known all my life. I need him. And I need Harry. They need me. Your Sirius and Harry are already here. They need you."

"Oh, shit!" Remus shouted, hysterically. "Sirius! He's still in Azkaban. And he's innocent! Oh, god, oh god, oh god!"

"Remus, calm down!" Sirius said, holding his arms out.

Remus gripped Sirius' hands. "Sirius, you've got to help me!"

"Help you?" Sirius asked, bewildered. "Help you how?"

"Help me get him out of there!" Remus replied. "He's innocent! He can't stay there. We have to break him out!"

"Break him out?" Sirius squeaked. "Are you nuts? It's not possible, Remus, you know that!"

"It is," Remus said, firmly. "It is and you know how. You got out. You can get him out. Please, Sirius, he can't stay there. He's innocent!"

"Remus, please don't ask me to do this," Sirius begged. "I have to get home. Sirius will figure it out on his own. I did. He'll see the newspaper article and he'll do it. He'll come back to you."

Remus shook his head. "No, you said some things are different here. What if he doesn't see it? What if he doesn't know what to do? He'll just stay there!"

"Remus," Sirius said, "things are not that different. And he's an Animagus, right?" Remus nodded and Sirius continued. "So he's been doing what I did. He'll see the article and he'll work it out. He'll escape and come back."

"But what if he doesn't?" Remus asked.

"Then you know," Sirius explained. "Remember the things I told you? You're teaching at Hogwarts this year. You can tell Dumbledore. He'll ask questions. You and Dumbledore will get to Peter. He's Ron's pet and right there at Hogwarts. The two of you will force him to show himself. Sirius will be exonerated and you'll have your lives together. It'll be better than it is in my world. If Peter doesn't get back to Voldemort then Voldemort may not rise again!" Sirius laughed softly. "You'll be a hero, Remus. You and Harry and your Sirius can be a family. Forever."

Remus smiled, relishing the story as Sirius told it. "But what about you?" he asked quietly. "You could stay here, too."

Tears pricked Sirius eyes and he blinked them away rapidly, shaking his head slowly. "There's no place for me here. I'll be OK. I'll find my home eventually."

Remus' eyes started to water, too. "Promise me something, Sirius. If you don't find your home soon, come back here. We'll work it out, I promise. Just don't keep going. It'll kill you!"

Sirius shook his head firmly. "I can't promise you that, Remus. I have to keep going. I need to find my home. And this isn't it. It can't be it."

"I love you, Sirius," Remus said simply.

"No, you love your Sirius. I'm not him," Sirius said. "Please don't worry about me, I'll be fine. I'll - " He broke off abruptly as a knock sounded at the front door.

"Oh, shit, it's Harry! I need to prepare him. He thinks you killed his parents!" Remus exclaimed.

"Are you sure it's Harry?" Sirius said, as he crossed the hallway into the lounge room. "He lives here. Would he knock?"

"No," Remus said, following Sirius, running his hands through his hair. "No, you're right. I'm just confused about everything. But I don't get visitors. I don't know who else it could be."

Sirius parted the curtains slowly and looked outside. He let them go and turned back to Remus smiling broadly. "It's Sirius. Your Sirius."

Remus' eyes widened. "Sirius?" he whispered. "Really?"

Sirius nodded. "Go and let him in. I'll leave through the back door. Remus, whatever you do, never let go of what you have with Sirius. It means everything to him."

Another knock. "To me, too," Remus whispered, as he moved to the front door. He turned back to Sirius as Sirius reached the kitchen. "I meant what I said before. You can come back here, if you want to."

Sirius smiled gratefully. "Thanks. Take care, Moony." He slipped out the back door as he heard Remus open the front door.

"Oh, god, I've missed you! I love you so much!" Remus exclaimed, as he dragged a bedraggled and confused Sirius into the hallway and slammed the door shut.

Sirius smiled and closed the back door softly.

******

Sirius slipped quietly down Knockturn Alley and behind Borgin & Burkes. There was the veil. He took a deep breath and stepped through.