And I Was Gone

And I Was Gone

The echoes of chattering and laughter sounded so distant to me as I leaned my forehead against the window.  The trees blurred as they passed me by.  Every detail around me was muted, and the only realness I felt was the cold glass of the windowpane against my forehead.

Life was all around me, and I felt dead inside.  Ron and Harry sat across from each other, laughing over something; I didn’t know what, and I couldn’t be bothered to care at that moment.  Ginny was there too, giggling at the antics of the boys.  And I sat there, staring unseeing out the window.

The last seven years at Hogwarts had been an ever-changing experience.  I went from being a bushy-haired know-it-all to someone who I’m still not sure is truly me.  When I was a vulnerable first year, I dreamed such high dreams of finishing at Hogwarts with top honours, with career offers weighing me down, with respect.  I have that now, and I dream of being that lonely know-it-all again.

I had spent my entire life so far believing that books and learning could fulfill me, make me something out of nothing.  And I realized when I filled myself with facts and figures that still, I was nothing. 

The Ministry of Magic offered me a position as a research assistant, but the department director told me in confidence that it would only be temporary – it was only policy that held them from offering me a full position.  The International Confederation of Wizards asked me if I would like to be a representative.  Even the Department of Mysteries approached me with an offer.  I told them all I’d get back to them. That was three months ago.

“Hermione?” Someone touched me on the shoulder. “Are you feeling alright? We’re going to go visit some of the others, to say goodbye before we get to Kings Cross.”

“Go ahead,” I said. “I’ll come in a bit.” The hand lingered there longer, but then I heard the footsteps leaving our train compartment.  Ron took his hand from my shoulder and left to join them, although I could feel him pausing at the door.

I knew I was alone then, but I didn’t move from my seat.  The trees passing by were becoming repetitive, but I didn’t mind.  I didn’t know how long I sat there, though it felt like no time had passed before someone else stepped into the compartment.

“Granger.”

I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was.  I said nothing.

Malfoy didn’t respond to my silence, and I thought he had left.  But instead, I felt him sitting beside me.

“Nice view,” he commented, almost snidely.  “Are you going to spend all day staring out there, or are you going to join Weasley and Potter soon? They’re having a great time without you, you know.”

“I’ll join them soon,” I said softly.

I never understood Malfoy.  I felt sorry for him sometimes, and there were moments when I hated him so much I could have… Well, it didn’t matter what I could have done. I wouldn’t have.  I never fully brought myself to hate Malfoy like Ron or Harry had.  I almost felt as if I understood him, in a way. He came from a childhood so different from others; I came from a childhood with a mentality of my own. We were both alone, and I knew we both had our own outer image to maintain. We were all like that – Harry, Ron, even Ginny. And though Malfoy despised anyone who wasn’t a pureblood, I knew he wasn’t the way he used to be. He had grown up too.

“Looks like you’re going to be no fun today,” he said.  He stood and walked to the door. “See you around, Granger. Maybe we’ll meet again one day.”

“We will. Goodbye, Malfoy.”

And he was gone.

I heard footsteps pass by my door again and again.  All the seventh years were moving back and forth, saying goodbye, but my door remained closed. 

I continued expecting someone to come again, to tell me how much they’d miss me and that we should keep in touch, and perhaps we could go out for butterbeer one day.  But no one came. 

My thoughts turned to my parents. My Muggle parents.  Magic was new to them, and they still had a hard time with me when I was home in the summer or on winter holidays.  When I told them I was offered positions in the Ministry of Magic, they looked pale and defeated.  They didn’t want me there either. They were scared of the unknown too, like me. But they loved me still the same, and supported me, albeit hesitantly.

Ron returned. 

“Hermione, we’re almost home. Don’t you want to come say goodbye?”

I finally turned from the window, seeing him lean in the doorway desperately, as if he wanted to run back to the others.

Letting out a little sigh, I knew my time had passed.  I took my bag, weighed with books as usual, and stood, stretching my legs.  He smiled at me, and offered his hand. 

I paused for a moment. I knew if I took that hand, I could never go back. Ron would lead me to our friends, and I’d be dragged into the whirlwind of hugs and kisses.  I’d have to laugh with them, and then step off the train with them, and fall into my parents’ arms, and go off to a life I was still unsure of.

“Hermione?”

I took his hand, and he led me away from the window.

We passed the younger students.  Some of the Gryffindors that we knew waved to us, but I didn’t wave back.

“Here we are,” he announced. He pushed the door open into the larger front compartment that was usually reserved for the prefects. It was filled with seventh years of all houses. 

I stepped in, letting go of Ron’s hand. Harry came to us and stayed by our side – the trio, the team.  Our friends came to us and told me they’d miss me, that we should owl each other, that we should all go out for butterbeer soon, and I told them the same.  Soon, I couldn’t tell the faces apart. They all told me the same, Gryffindors and some Slytherins alike.

The train came to a stop, and the seventh years cheered. It was really over now.

I went through the same motions I always did: walking out of the train behind Ron and Harry, carrying my trunk and books.  The Hogwarts graduates piled out of the Express in a mess of tears and hand-holding, and I walked slowly into onto the Platform.  My parents would wait for me in the Muggle part of Kings Cross. They felt strange here. 

It was time to see the world now, everyone had told me. School was over. Life had begun. But I still wanted to be that little bushy-haired girl.

Harry, Ron, and I dropped our trunks and bags, and stood in the middle of Platform Nine and Three Quarters.   No words needed to be said. We would see each other again soon. We were the best of friends.

They wrapped me in a hug, and I put my arms around them, knowing that they knew how I felt, because they felt the same way.

We parted. Mrs. Weasley ran to us with Ginny in tow, and hugged all three of us separately, telling us how proud she was. 

Sirius and Remus came to meet Harry, and told me how accomplished I should feel. I thanked them.

Then Ron was whisked away, and I waved slowly to him as he looked back at us.  Harry left, thankful that the Dursleys were not there.

Parvati and Lavender passed by and spoke to me one last time. Seamus and Dean both engulfed me in big hugs.  I saw Malfoy in the distance as he looked at me, and he nodded and turned away. 

It was time to go. And I was gone.