When Harry Met Buffy

Chapter Five - Trouble!

Notes: Well, I´ve been stumped with this chapter for a while. I finally had an idea and then it spun out of control and I was laughing madly at it, so I figured it would have to do it. Plus, came up with an ending I adore. A chapter I actually LIKE in this story AND an ending! Surely there is something wrong in the world! :D

Yes, this is the last chapter of this story. Gee. I´m heartbroken. Sob. See?

_______________________

"Morning, Hermione. Didn´t wake you, did I?"

The face in the fireplace smiled broadly up at Sirius Black, where he was sitting on the edge of the hearth. "Not at all. Ron was up at the crack of dawn again. How are you, Sirius?" Hermione Granger asked. "And how are the others?"

It was early morning in England and the two men in the small house were both up and about, Remus because of the full moon waning and Sirius to make sure that Remus was all right after the change.

More than that, though, Sirius Black was a little...concerned.

Harry Potter, his Godson, had vanished a few days earlier, leaving a note saying that he had gone to visit a friend, but normally, he only stayed away a day or two and at least kept in touch.

In two days, there had been no word.

It wasn´t that Harry couldn´t look after himself, but Sirius knew that he had a tendency of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Oh, Remus is so-so, full moon waning and everything," he replied, with an amiable shrug. "But Harry..." Well, he had held off from panicking until now, so that was definitely progress. "Do you know when he´s coming home?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, Harry left a note saying he had gone...he´s not staying with you?"

Hermione shook her head. "We haven´t seen him since he said he was going to visit someone called Buffy..."

"Bloody hell!"

Sirius was on his feet and running out of the cosy living room, leaving Hermione squinting after him through the Floo connection. "I suppose that´s everything then?" she called after him.

***

"C´mon, Moony! You´re the one that bought the thing for him!"

Remus Lupin gave his friend an even look. "If you would stop breathing down my neck I might be able to concentrate on it, Padfoot," he said calmly. "Now would you please stop pacing and twitching, please."

"But he´s gone to the other side of the world to meet a complete stranger he met through a box full of wires and gizmos! I mean, I thought he was like Prongs in looks, but I didn´t think he would be as daft as his old man!"

Shaking his head, Lupin continued to patiently tap into the computer. He had been the one to insist on Harry having the machine in the first place.

When he had been forced out of Hogwarts and employment, nearly ten years earlier, due to the unfortunate fact that he was a werewolf, he had attended Muggle computer classes. He had been aware that he might actually be able to have some semblance of a life, if he could learn to master the technology.

It had worked and he, unknown to Sirius, his best friend for nearly thirty years, ran several businesses online.

Working entirely through the computer, no one was aware that he was anything more than a highly intelligent man, which meant that he no longer had to suffer the stigma of the werewolf.

He had even managed to have some other wizards setting up computer connections, albeit hesitantly. Some were still dubious about the Muggle world, but he was thrilled by the fact he could work in it successfully, without his...disability causing problems.

When Harry had shown an interest in computers, Remus had suggested to Sirius that Harry might benefit from them and he had, originally, been thinking that he may eventually involve his...well, his nearly adopted son in his online business venture.

Now, though, he couldn´t help grinning at what the younger man had done.

Yes, Sirius might be right in his assumption that many people online were raging nutcases with no lives, but he always forgot that Harry was now one of those people and he was hardly what would be regarded as your standard raging nutcase.

Plus, Harry was an excellent judge of character.

Even just looking at the friends he had connected with from his very first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, it was clear that he knew how to pick friends and friendships that would last.

Something told Remus that if Harry had made a friend online, they were hardly going to be some kind of psychopath.

Although, it would be an interesting concept if they were, considering Harry was a powerful wizard in his own right. It had the potential to be a very interesting face off, if the person he was meeting wasn´t entirely...normal.

"What´s that mean? Login complete?"

"Sirius," Remus said patiently, making sure that his friend noticed he was using his forename, usually a sign that he was being serious. "It means that I´ve managed to hack past Harry´s security code."

"Eh?"

"Just trust me and sit down somewhere. You´re distracting me," A huff of hot breath hit the back of his neck and the calmer of the two men turned, wand in hand. "Sirius, if you don´t stop panting down my neck, I´ll have to do it for you."

Blue eyes studied the wand, then Remus´ calm face. Remus´ mouth lifted at one side, an eyebrow rising in challenge. "Let me guess," he said dryly. "You´ll turn me into a piece of furniture, until you´re finished?"

"You know I would do it, Padfoot," he reminded his friend. "Now, sit! Change form and lick your balls or something like that. Keep yourself distracted. I need my full concentration if I´m going to hack into all Harry´s accounts."

"Hack?" Backing away, Sirius dropped heavily onto Harry´s bed, cocking his head in a dog-like fashion. "With a knife?"

Remus laughed softly. "If only it was that easy," he replied over his shoulder. "Now what did I say?"

"Licking sir, Herr Commandant, sir," Sirius responded briskly, shifting into his familiar Animagus form of the enormous, shaggy black dog and giving himself a lick for good measure.

Unfortunately, he forgot he was sitting on the edge of the bed and with his body shifting from seated human to seated dog, it was a bit of a change of positions and he crashed down onto the floor, taking Harry´s bedside desk and lamp with him.

Remus briefly raised his eyes to the ceiling, counted to ten, then directed his wand at his long-time friend, who was struggling to disentangle tail and paws from the legs of the desk, and muttered a spell under his breath.

The huge black dog immediately turned into a toilet.

Smiling serenely, Remus turned back to the computer and continued on his quest.

***

"Got him," Remus said. A rather flustered Sirius, who had changed back from dog form a moment after his lapse into toilet-ness had been lifted, sprawled on the floor, glowering up at him. "Padfoot, you´re looking..."

Struggling to sit up, Sirius pointed a warning finger at him. "You say flushed and I will hit you, Moony."

"You know me too well," Remus chuckled, then motioned to the screen. "I´ve found out where our boy headed, or at least the town that he should be in, judging by the IP signatures of the area."

Blue eyes blinked. "Mind translating any of that for me?"

"We´re going to America, Padfoot."

"Right! Let´s go!"

There was a moment´s pause.

"You do remember that America is on the other side of the world, don´t you?"

"Yeah. And?"

"You do remember that there is a different time zone in play there?"

"Right, yeah, different time zone," Sirius repeated impatiently, looking like he was ready to Apparate right there and then. "Can we just go?"

Pale eyes regarded him for a long moment. "Padfoot, they´re on the West coast. It´s two o´clock this morning there."

"And?" A pained look crossed Remus´ face. "Oh! The full moon!" Sirius exclaimed in mortification. "Oh, crap! You shouldn´t go through the change...not again, so soon, Moony. If you want to stay here, I could go myself, you know."

"Do I look that daft to you?" the werewolf responded with a tired smile. "You would go barrelling in there, wand blazing, screaming obscenities and blast everything to pieces even if Harry was standing right in front of you, perfectly fine."

Sirius cocked his head. "What are you implying?"

"What I´m implying is that I´m about to take a double dose of Wolfsbane potion and come with you, to make sure you don´t do anything stupid, and if you do, be the one there to get embarrassing photographic evidence."

"You´re charming to the last, Moony."

Remus made an ironic little bow. "I thank you, kind sir," he replied, pushing up from the seat and releasing a sigh. "But now, I'd better get some of that potion and possibly a leash for you."

"A leash?"

"Oh come on, Padfoot," he replied. "You know as well as I do, you´re the one who is likely to go running off and getting into all kinds of trouble. Even when I don´t use the Wolfsbane potion, I´m saner than you."

"You know," Sirius remarked, tapping his chin thoughtfully. "I´m starting to think that you´re trying to imply something about me being...irresponsible?"

"Heaven forbid, Padfoot. We all know how mature you are," Remus replied dryly, making his way towards the door. "And remind me to add a muzzle, tranquillizer gun and a sanity test to the things to find before we leave."

"Sanity?" Sirius wandered after him. "What´s one of those?"

***

"Is it just me, or does this place feel...wrong, Moony?" A soft bark from the large werewolf crouching in the bushes beside him answered Sirius Black´s question, as he looked out onto the street.

He had wondered how they were going to get away without being noticed, even if he did have Remus on a lead like a large, overgrown and rather demonic-looking pet dog, but now...

Now, that didn´t look like it was going to be a problem.

The town seemed dead, or at least the area they were in, which struck him as very strange. Even in Hogsmeade, there would be people wandering the streets at all hours of the day and night.

This place, though...

It had an unnerving feel to it, the whole area they were in. It was like there was a bone-chilling aura spread over the whole town, pressing down on them, suffocating and eerie.

Remus pawed at his leg and Sirius looked down. The werewolf made a motion of sniffing out, then looked expectantly up at him.

"You think I should change forms and sniff around for Harry?"

As usual, when Remus was in wolf-form and under the influence of the Wolfsbane potion, he was as rational and sensible as always. He nodded his massive, wolf-like head, pawing the ground impatiently.

"Are you sure that´s a good idea?" The werewolf raised its eyes to the night sky in a gesture that was pure, impatient Remus. "Don´t you pull that face at me, Moony," Sirius groused. "I was just thinking it wouldn´t be a good idea if we were both seen."

Dipping his head, Remus lifted up the lead in his fangs - which were far bigger than any dogs - and gave Sirius a look that said "And you honestly believe anyone will think I´m really your pet dog?"

"Good point," Sirius had to admit, removing the lead before shifting into his Animagus form and shaking his heavy coat. He yelped in surprise when a cold nose nudged his rear and sniffed noisily. Sirius whipped around to find the wolf-face of Remus grinning at him.

Growling in mock-irritation, he swatted at Remus with a forepaw and padded onto the pavement. Raising his head, he sniffed the air, walking onwards down the road side, Remus walking alongside him.

While Remus was a werewolf, the unfortunate side-effects of the Wolfsbane potion meant that he no longer had as keen wolfish senses, his human side coming to the fore in mind and spirit.

Sirius, however, in his Animagus form, had all the abilities that his canine counterparts would have, including the very powerful sense of smell, which he was now taking advantage of.

Making their way through the streets, Sirius' discomfort with the town only increased as they got deeper. Even in the middle of the town, it was almost deathly quiet, no one to be seen anywhere.

He shook his head at the sight of yet another cemetery.

This place wasn´t big, but it really had a lot of dead people.

He paused, a breath of wind rushing across the fur of his face. It wasn´t the wind that brought him up short, Remus colliding with him from behind, but the scent carried on the wind, a scent he would recognise anywhere.

Breaking into a run, he galloped in the direction that the wind had come from, the scent growing stronger as he sped onwards. He could hear Remus somewhere behind him, slowed down by the potion and his heavier form.

Skidding to a halt, Sirius raised his head again, following the scent a little more slowly, stumbling when the lip of the stone he was walking on went out from beneath him. The stone. The gravestone.

His head snapped up and he looked around in shock.

They were in a graveyard.

His Godson´s scent was flooding outwards from a graveyard.

No...

Moving onwards, he tried to force down the sick, fearful feeling in his gut, as he made his way between the stones jutting out of the silvery grass all around them, eyes and nose taking in everything.

Sniffing along the edge of a mausoleum, he froze at the sight of a dark substance spilled on the grass beneath his paws, his eyes rising to see that same dark, dry fluid staining the pale stone of the crypt.

No...it...it couldn´t be...

***

Finally, catching up with his friend, Remus was shocked by Sirius´ posture, the huge black dog staring despondently at the side of a crypt.

Hurrying towards him, he made a barking sound, wishing he was able to voice the questions that he wanted to ask, Sirius turning towards him and shifting back into human form, his eyes bleak and angry.

"Blood. Harry´s blood," he said, his voice a growl that would have sounded more fitting in his Animagus form. "Someone hurt him."

Lupin´s eyes narrowed at his friend. Are you sure, he wanted to ask, can you be one hundred percent positive? He padded forwards, looking down at the trail of dried blood that was sprinkled across the grass.

"No one hurts my Godson," Sirius snarled again.

Before Remus could think of any way to stop or reason with him, Sirius had changed back into his Animagus form and was following the trail of blood, which seemed to lead out of the cemetery.

Trying to keep up, he lolloped along, wishing that he was a more streamlined variety of wolf. Perhaps something with longer legs and a leaner body, instead of the hefty, shaggy beast that he was.

Sirius was too quick for him to keep up with.

The enormous black dog ran onwards, pausing here and there to sniff, leaving Remus trailing in his wake.

Remus wished someone was there to see him rolling his eyes. He had told Sirius that he would bring a leash, jokingly, but now - more than usual - he wanted to be able to keep the huge black hound, which was his best friend, restrained.

He knew Sirius too well.

Sirius was impetuous and hot-tempered, especially when it came to protecting what remained of his near-adopted family, in the form of Harry.

Trotting along as briskly as he could, his tongue hanging out over his fangs, Remus eventually caught up with the big black dog in a long block of identical houses, the dog staring at one of them.

Panting, he flopped down heavily on his haunches beside Sirius, who was panting equally hard, and looked up at the house, which looked like the most normal kind of house imaginable.

Sirius´ eyes were narrowed.

Nudging his friend with a massive paw, Remus whined, trying to convey some kind of reassurance to Sirius that Harry was probably fine.

Unfortunately, that just had to be the moment that they heard a cry from one of the upper windows of the house.

Sirius´ eyes widened and before Remus could grab at him with his jaws, the huge black dog bolted forwards, charging up the path towards the front door of the house, Remus dashing after him and hoping he wasn´t about to do anything stupid.

Yells sounded from the house as the front door was smashed in by the huge black dog, which cantered up the stairs immediately, but Remus halted, his somewhat limited senses telling him that he didn´t want to be the one to go up those stairs.

Even if Sirius was ignoring it, there was no way that the cry they heard was one of any kind of bad pain.

Sinking down on his belly on the patio, Remus whimpered in embarrassment at the thought, covering his eyes with his paws and waiting for the inevitable...

***

"Sirius!"

Buffy sat back from her lover, her hands on his chest, a slightly surprised expression on her face at his exclamation. "Uh, Harry, I don´t know what kind of relationship you have with your Godfather..."

"No..." he gasped, his face going a furious shade of crimson. He was staring beyond her, at the door. One hand rose and pointed behind her and Buffy looked over her shoulder, a sound of confusion escaping her.

A big black dog that had been standing there when she turned rapidly materialised upwards into a black-haired, blue-eyed man, who was staring at her, a utterly shocked expression on his face.

Yanking up a sheet to cover her body, with a squeal of embarrassment, she felt the colour rising in her face. Hiding her face hastily in Harry´s shoulder, she heard him groan in disbelief and mortification.

"Um..." the man said. "I...er...you must be Buffy...nice to...er...meet you..."

Buffy could practically feel Harry´s embarrassment escalating to exceed her own, her face buried in his shoulder.

"Sirius," Harry said in a very calm and controlled voice, although she could feel him shaking beneath her. His arms had somehow ended up around her, pulling the sheets up to shield her. "This really isn´t a good time for introductions."

There was a moment of silence and then the guy seemed to take the hint.

"Oh. OH!" Tilting her head, Buffy glanced back at him through the curtains of her hair, as the man hastily started backing out of the room. "Sorry! Didn´t realise! Didn´t think I was interrupting anything! You go on...have fun...well, not fun, but...enjoy yourselves and..." he paused. "Did you use protection?"

"Sirius!"

"I-I...I´ll just be going...now..." the man said, sounding a little sheepish. "Nice meeting you! Bye!"

The door closed with a firm bang behind them and Buffy slowly lifted her face from Harry´s bruised chest, biting down hard on her lower lip to stop herself from bursting out laughing.

"Ladies and gentlemen, my Godfather," Harry grimaced. "Sorry about him...he has this wonderful thing called bollocksed-up-timing and I know I-I really should have told him I was coming here and...er...well," A richer blush flooded his face as he mumbled. "And...er...coming here."

Buffy giggled.

She couldn´t help it.

Harry was looking so utterly flustered and embarrassed by the invasion of his Guardian and on top of that, he was using rather kinky wording, which was so odd coming from him, but made him even sweeter.

"At least," she decided, as the giggles rapidly became laughter, "it wasn´t Snape."

Green eyes blinked owlishly at her, then Harry´s face broke into a grin. "Yes, that is a bloody good thing, too," he replied, raising a hand to cup her face. "But I can´t ignore my Godfather´s one piece of decent advice."

"And what´s that, Mister Potter?" Buffy asked, spreading her hands on his chest.

In reply, he kissed her again.

***

"Hold it right there, Mister!"

Sirius froze at the top of the stairs, the half-grin at seeing Harry in such an awkward situation melting away instantly, the triad of teenagers at the bottom of the staircase making his mouth fall open in surprise.

A crossbow was aimed at his chest by a tall, slim brunette girl. A dark-haired young man was hefting an axe from hand to hand and looked like he would happily separate Sirius´ head from his body, given the chance.

It was the third one who really brought him up short, though.

Fragile-looking, with silky red hair and creamy skin, she looked like she would be knocked over by a breath of wind, but the aura of power rippling out from her was absolutely phenomenal, more concentrated than anything he had felt before.

"Er..."

"Wanna tell us who you are, buddy? And the deal with the big dog? Where´d´it go?"

Sirius´ mouth went bone-dry at the dangerous tone in the boy´s voice, the way he was hefting the axe suggesting that he knew how to use it. Reaching into his pocket, he found his wand and started to withdraw it.

"Come," the red-haired girl snapped, raising a hand.

Sirius yelled in surprise and fright when his wand was jerked out of his grasp by an invisible force and flew straight to the red-haired girl, who caught it and gave it a cursory look.

"Need something?" she asked in a cold tone that the wizard really didn´t like. "If you wanna keep that hairy hinney of yours in one piece, I think you should bring it down here and tell us just what the hell you want."

"I-I think I would rather stay up here."

"Don´t make me cranky, mister," the red-haired woman snarled, her green eyes flashing dangerously. "I can get you down here by force if I wanna. I´m giving you the choice to do it the easy way or the hard way."

Sirius swallowed hard.

Something in her stance and the apprehensive looks on the faces of the two flanking her suggested that it would probably be a lot safer and wiser to do whatever she said and then some.

Raising his hands in surrender, he started down the stairs. "Sorry about the front door," he mumbled awkwardly. "I thought that something bad was happening to my Godson and I had to help."

"Godson? You think we´re gonna fall for that?" the young man asked, shifting with a little too much eagerness with his axe.

"Omigod!" the brunette girl gasped. "You´re Sirius, right? Sirius Black?"

"Um...yes?"

The crossbow was lowered instantly. "It´s okay, you guys!" she said eagerly. "This is Harry´s Godfather!"

"And?" the man maintained his grip on the axe.

"Xander," the dark-haired teenager rolled her eyes, grabbing the large axe from his hands and pulling it away from him. "He´s not a big bad! He was just worried about Harry is all."

The red head looked from the girl to Sirius with suspicion. "Is that true?"

"Yes, although sometimes I wish it wasn´t," All of them turned to the top of the stairs, where Harry was standing, pulling his T-shirt on over a very bruised chest. "He has the worst timing in the world."

"You didn´t tell us where you were going, you little pillock," Sirius exclaimed, torn between running up the stairs and hugging his Godson for being all right, running up the stairs and punching his Godson on the nose for not telling him where he was going or just staying put and glaring.

"I said a friend´s and that was where I was," Harry grinned broadly, as Buffy joined him, both of them looking equally mussed. "You didn´t have to come running over here and breaking in like a lunatic."

"Which is what Moony said I would do..." Sirius mentally slapped himself across the back of his head. When would he ever learn to listen to his friend.

A little bark of agreement echoed through the front door and Sirius looked around to find Remus sitting there, his wolf-grin in place, his bushy tail wagging from side to side, brushing on the patio.

"A...a werewolf?" the brunette girl stared at him. "Is...is that Professor Lupin?"

"How is she knowing all this stuff and we aren´t, Buffy?" Xander, the youth with the axe, demanded.

Sirius looked at Harry, who was descending the stairs with one of Buffy´s hands held in his, the same question in his eyes, then understood. "The books," he said, half-to-himself. "The girl read the books."

"Yuh-huh," the girl grinned broadly.

The youth and the red-haired woman both looked confused.

"When are we gonna get to the explanations, Buff?" Xander asked.

"Ditto what he said," the red head agreed.

"And why are you holding Harry´s hand?"

Buffy and Harry exchanged looks. "Maybe we should all sit down?" she said, looking through to the lounge.

"Uh oh."

"Uh oh?" Sirius inquired, looking at the red head who had voiced the statement.

She gave him a look. "We´re gonna get the full story and usually when that happens, it means that we´ve got a big bad to deal with and I´m so not ready for dealing with big bads right now."

"No, no big bad!" Buffy interrupted. "Just a lot of stuff that everyone has to know about everyone else in this room." Remus whined. "And you too, Mr Lupin," she said, motioning them all towards the sofa and chairs.

Once everyone was settled, Remus curled up comfortably on the rug in front of the fireplace, Buffy perched on the arm of the couch beside Harry, her leg resting against his, she sighed, "This could take a while."

***

"You said there was no such thing as a Slayer! You were wrong!"

Harry pulled a face at his smirking Godfather. "Yes, I was wrong, all right?" He looked up at Buffy, who mussed his hair with a grin. "Very wrong."

"It would kinda ruin the secret identity thing if everyone knew about it," Dawn put in cheerfully from Harry´s other side. "And it's kinda neat! I´m the only one who knew all this stuff before anyone said anything!"

"Oh yeah, you´re wonderful," Buffy rolled her eyes and Dawn stuck out her tongue.

Harry couldn´t help laughing. "You two are mad," he decided.

"Hey, you´re the one that fell in love with Buffy."

A startled silence fell.

"Oops...probably wasn´t meant to mention that."

Sirius cleared his throat. "So it wasn´t just a shag, then?"

"Sirius!"

"That would be a no," Buffy answered with a grin in Sirius´ direction. "That would have been perfect, except some great big black dog-guy decided to come running into the room and ruin the mood."

"I thought you were killing him!"

Buffy gave Harry a wicked look that made his eyes widen. "I was...my way."

Harry went scarlet and mumbled something under his breath, the back of his neck feeling very warm.

"So what are you gonna do, then?" Xander asked, still studying Harry with deep suspicion. "If he´s in love with you, Buff, are you gonna send him away before he goes all Spike-y on you?"

"No," she answered, one hand on Harry´s shoulder as she looked at her friend. "It's different with Harry."

"Uh-huh. How?"

"I love him."

"Omigod! I knew it!"

Harry´s arm around her waist tugged gently and he pulled Buffy down into his lap, as her sister squealed, bouncing up and down excitedly on the couch. Xander looked shocked and Willow had a serene smile on her face.

"What are we going to do?" he asked her in a soft voice.

"Get by, I guess," she replied, gazing at him, her expression torn. "Is there any way that you could... y´know...kinda stay here? With me?"

"Only if you don´t want me to leave," he said honestly.

"I don´t," she whispered. "I really, really don´t, but you work at that school-place with Remus and I can´t take you away from your work anymore than I can leave my work here."

"Buffy," he actually laughed. "I´m a wizard. I can apparate from here to England in less than a minute. If I stayed here, I could keep working at Hogwarts, although it´d be from one o´clock until nine o´clock in the morning here."

Buffy stared at him, a look of delight rapidly spreading across her face. "You...you can really stay here? You want to? I mean, you want to stay here? With me? With all of us?"

"I wouldn´t leave unless you threw me out," he answered, smiling. "And we´ll be working at the same time, you on Slaying and me on...trying not to be slain by teenage wizards and witches. That is, if you want mpphf..."

"EW! Get a room! Ick! Harry-kissing! It was bad enough seeing Riley smooching!"

"Does this mean that he´s staying here?" Xander moaned.

Sirius exhaled a sigh. "Well, at least we know we have someone who can whip him into shape and make sure he does as he´s told. And she happens to have a very nice arse on her," a few yells and the sounds of various objects hitting Sirius punctuated this remark.

Pulling apart a little, Buffy touched Harry´s cheek, ignoring the others making kissy noises around them. "Never leave me," she whispered.

"You´d have to kick me out first."

"Hey, I could do that for you," Xander cut in.

"Xander!" Willow and Dawn both turned their tirade on the youngest man.

In the moment that the rest of the little group were distracted, Harry gathered Buffy to him and murmured, "Marry me?"

Hazel eyes flashed with delight. "Gimme time to decide if I like the side of the bed you sleep on first," she replied, mussing his hair again, before planting another kiss on him, her arms sliding around his neck.

An odd crunching noise came from the direction of the fireplace, but Harry and Buffy didn´t bother looking around.

"It´s very romantic, isn´t it?" Remus Lupin´s voice said amiably. "Two young people in love. Almost makes you want to be sick with sweetness poisoning," There was a pause, in which Dawn´s hysterical giggles got a little louder. "Oh and I´m naked."

Buffy jerked around in Harry´s lap, out of the kiss, and received a broad grin from the definitely very naked non-werewolf. Sirius had his hands over Dawn´s eyes and Willow was biting her lower lip to smother a giggle.

Remus, still smiling, got to his feet and held out a hand, which Buffy automatically shook, although rather...distracted. "Nice to meet you, Buffy," he said, his light eyes twinkling. "I´m Harry´s other uncle. If you´re thinking about getting involved with Harry, now would definitely be a good time to back out."

"And...uh..." A cushion was pushed into her hand and Buffy handed it to Remus, who gave her a polite grin and positioned it over his groin. "And why would it be a good time to back out?" she managed to ask.

"Because," Remus´ smile widened, "you´ll be related to Sirius and I."

Buffy blinked several times. "Oh God..." was all she could think of to say.

"My mad family...deal with them and you´ll land yourself in a loony bin before the years out. Ready to run screaming now?"

"I´ve faced demons, vampires, evil in all kinds of shapes and forms, apocalypses, Hell-goddesses, rogue Slayers, opening of the Hellmouth, wiggy friends, wiggier boyfriends," she gave him a proud look. "I can face anything."

"Except my Godfather and uncle," Harry chuckled.

"Uh," Buffy gave him a small smile. "Yeah."

"Good thing we´re going to be living in a different country, then, eh?" Sirius said.

"I´ll say," Remus added, looking down at himself. "I´d hate to live in a country where people class a pillow as a piece of clothing!"

Buffy moaned and buried her head in Harry´s shoulder. "Kill me now."

"Again?" he quipped

Buffy raised her eyes to him. "If it mean that we don´t have to be related to either of them, yes." Harry just laughed and kissed her brow as she snuggled against him. "I always get stuck with weird families," she muttered. "Every time."

Sirius and Remus just exchanged knowing grins. Their little boy was all grown up and had himself a nice bird, who he looked happy with and she had friends who were all as mad as they were.

Things couldn´t have really worked out much better.

~~~~~~

Or could they?

~~~~~~

If you liked that ending, don´t read on.

~~~~~~

Remember I hate this story!

~~~~~~

Don´t say I didn´t warn you!

~~~~~~

As our wonderfully romantic mushfest comes to a sappy (and none-to-soon) close with the lighting softening and everyone exchanging happy/dreamy/stoned-on-too-much-sweetness looks, a nigh visible heart with shimmering pink outline hovers around the faces of our hero and heroine.

The scene freezeframes and Buffy and Harry stare longingly into one another´s eyes in a way that suggests "I´m going to shag you senseless over the back of the couch the minute we can move again".

And, for no reason whatsoever (aside from the author´s near-obsessive need to perv on him) Spike leans around the heart shape floating around our hero/heroine´s heads, looking yummy and fiendish in his black and red outfit.

"I´m not really dead," he says, grinning widely and showing those lovely vampire teeth for all too see. "Or chipped. And as soon as the credits start rolling, I´m going to kill everyone in this bloody thing."

On the opposite side of the heart, an equally devilish, light- and long-haired fiend leans around the frame, holding a very interesting-looking cane headed with a silver serpent, a smirk on his lips.

"And I´m here," he says, "Because the author likes my damn fine arse."

Both evil fiends exchange the wickedly evil smirks that they are so good at.

And herein, the author swoons.

The screen goes black and credits and a homicidal rampage (what? you expect me to respect the fluff?) ensues, out of sight and mind, and the author lives on, happy and sane and knowing she will never again write such a piece of sugar-filled, cheese-coated corn.

The End.

(Thank GOD!)