Something Has Gone Terribly Wrong!

Chapter Three

The following week wasn't very fun for Serena Heartfire. Not only had her fantastic smart-ness in all the cool subjects, like, totally deserted her (excepting a tiny flair for Herbology which she squashed ruthlessly,) but due to her unfamiliarity with the school, she got lost no fewer than three times a day.

A spectacular low point came on Thursday, when she inexplicably ended up in a small supplies cupboard, which smelt of cabbage and unwashed socks. The honourable students who had heard her shrieks of frustration and raced to her rescue were cured of such impulses immediately, upon seeing the screaming diva who informed them that 'it was all their fault and she hated them,' before running off to wash her hair.

However, Friday was greatly improved by the prospect of some alone time with her sexy, sexy teacher, Professor Snape. She was sure that the week's detention he had given her the day before (on account of she kept throwing bits of her sparkly pink eraser at Harry and friends, to try and get them to notice her) really meant that he was harbouring a secret passion for her and wanted to tell her away from prying eyes. Sure, all the other students in the school said he was a slimy, greasy, allegedly human sociopath, but Serena was sure that deep down, Severus was a kind and caring person, who secretly desired a beautiful and mysterious girl to heal his tortured soul and warm his icy heart.

To this end, Serena spent an extra-long period of time getting dressed (well, yeah, there was probably some lame-ass uniform policy or something, but her totally, like, bitter head-of-house would obviously let her go anyway, on account of her little denim mini was, like, so totally hot.) She then swiped a few of those mutated socks (they kept appearing faster than she could burn them) and walked slowly and sensuously towards the dungeons. This was the sort of moment that seriously needed, like, a smoky saxophone solo or something, but when one didn't appear to be forthcoming, Serena started humming it herself. She assumed that the students who were edging away cautiously and wincing were probably just awed by the stunning effect of her sparkly spike-heels and extra layer of makeup.

Finally reaching Snape's dungeon office, Serena paused and leaned against the doorway, savouring the essence of sexiness therein, sighing adoringly. She fished out the pilfered elf-socks from her stylish Hello Kitty mini-backpack, and proceeded to cleverly enhance her already abundant cleavage by stuffing them into her bra.

The door swung suddenly open.

"Eeeek!" Serena (who had been leaning on it adoringly, remember?) was pushed off balance and fell like a sack of permed potatoes from her five-inch heels, having only stuffed one pink sock into her brassiere. She surreptitiously moved her butt over the second to hide it. The hunk of manliness that was her Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher glowered over her from within his office.

"You're late, Miss... Heartfire. You're to be scrubbing cauldrons tonight. No magic, either. Elbow grease."

"Sure, Professor," replied Serena in what she imagined was a seductive purr. "I'd do anything for you."

"Very well," said Snape curtly. "In which case you may clean out my collection of squid brains as well. After a few centuries, they start to mould and become utterly worthless."

Serena was sure that this was a hidden come-on, so she butt-shuffled with as much allure as she could into Snape's office, waiting until the Professor of sexiness had gone back behind his desk and was once again immersed in papers. Casting a shifty look in his direction, Serena quickly grabbed the sock she had been sitting on (now rather slimy from having been dragged across the dungeon floor) and stuffed it into her bra-cup, not noticing, in her haste, that it was the same one which had received her previous attentions. Her left breast now appeared considerably larger than her right.

Completely oblivious to this, Serena struggled unsteadily to her feet and then swayed seductively across the room to perch on Snape's desk. He looked up from his marking and started spluttering incoherently.

"Miss Heartfire! - What are you doing? This ink on those is still wet! Do you want to get yet more detention in your first week of school?"

Serena leaned over (giving Snape a full-on view of her misshapen breasts) and said in a breathless voice, "That's right Professor, punish me for being ...bad."

Snape snatched his quill from Serena, who had been toying with it, and pushed back his chair until it hit the wall, saying, "Miss Heartfire, all the students in your house have been punished for your actions, and will be again, unless you get off my desk.

Ignoring this completely, Serena moved so that she crouched on all fours (knocking over an ink bottle and several stacks of paper as she did so) and purred, "Silly Sevvie..." Snape jumped as if stung and backed himself into a corner of the dungeon wall. He was by now past the realm of livid, and moving quickly into sheer, incandescent rage. Serena followed him, undoing another button of her shirt. "I know you want me... Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

"MADAM, MY 'GIRL FRIEND' IS -"

Serena had squirmed up against him and put her arms around his neck. "But Sevvie," she whispered, "This is the part where we have hot, steamy sex on your desk!" She thrust her hand between his legs and squeezed.

The resulting roar could be heard as far off as the Hufflepuff Common Room, and indeed, had any of those students ventured to poke their heads outside, they would have seen Serena, running as fast as her spike heels would allow from the enraged barrage of lethal-sounding spells that her erstwhile cuddly-muffin had thrown at her.

As the bellows of 'your children will be born with detentions,' faded, Serena skidded to a halt, panting. She had just stopped for a rest, outside - uh, somewhere (as she had gotten completely lost again,) when she heard what sounded like a whispered conversation from thin air. One of the invisible spirit people (who had obviously been sent to, like, aid her in her destiny of... uh, destiny-ness) had apparently stubbed its toe.

"OW! BUGGER!"

"Be quiet, Ron!"

Like, ohmigad! It wasn't the spirit people of Nar-Hoodlywhatsit at all (although now that Serena's expectations had been raised, it was going to be hard to get rid of the idea.) It was Harry Potter and his Wonder Gang of coolness! Even though they obviously hadn't clued in yet that Serena was, like, the key to helping them defeat Voldemort and they should be having all sorts of amazing and fantastic adventures together and stuff, Serena was sure that if she followed them quietly, an opportunity would pop up for her to join forces. She could, like, totally prove to all those people who doubted her that she was the smartest, prettiest and most perfect student in Hogwarts! And probably, like, the Princess of the Nar-Hoodlywhatsits to boot.

So intent was she on following the Trio (and humming her newly-composed sneaky spy-theme song off-key) that she didn't noticed when Professor McGonagall appeared in the corridor right in front of her.

"MISS HEARTFIRE!" Serena heard a muffled 'eep' and a quick pattering-away of invisible footsteps. "WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME ARE YOU DOING OUT OF BED AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT? AND OUT OF UNIFORM, TOO!"

"Uh..." Serena cast about wildly for an excuse. "Uh... you see... I'm supposed to be in this corridor."

Professor, like, McHard-ass wasn't buying it. Her nostrils flared and her mouth thinned until it had practically disappeared.

"No, like, seriously. It's like, my destiny. Yeah!" Serena was getting into her crazy lie and didn't notice that Professor McGonagall was starting to look as though she feared for the blonde girl's mental stability.

"Oooooh..." moaned Serena in what she evidently considered to be an ethereal manner. "Oooooh! I am the one of which the prophecy foretold..." Her eyes rolled back into her head and she flung herself back as if in a fit of... uh... prophecy-ness. "Uh, stoppeth not my wandering into the Ethereal Shadow-Realm of Mystical Mystery! Stoppeth not - OW! OH SWEET JESUS, THAT HURT! FUCK!" Serena's prophecy trance had made her stumble into a suit of armour, which had then collapsed on top of her.

"You see, Professor," she wheezed from underneath the several tons of steel which were crushing her ribcage. "I'm not really here. I've, like, used my awesome powers which I discovered just now to astral-project myself into the Shadow Realm which is, like, another plane of existence in the parallel universe where Voldemort currently resides. You can see and hear me, but not touch me."

"I see." Serena's head of house was obviously struck speechless by the awe in which she now held Serena and her, like, uber-cool powers.

"Er, Miss Heartfire... Do you have anything you want to - er - talk to me about? Because... er... as your Head of House I am - ah - here for you."

This took a moment to work its way into Serena's brain. "Huh? Are you saying you don't believe me? What's wrong with you people? I'm going to go kill myself RIGHT NOW because of all your meanness and, like, not recognizing how amazing I am! I will, I will!

"Miss Heartfire, are you by any chance taking any mind altering substances?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"