Something Has Gone Terribly Wrong!

"Oh, Sir Studly," sobbed Wilhelmina Welloved, her perfect, D-cup breasts heaving moistly, barely contained by the beautifully tailored, pink-silk dress that hugged the contours of her curvy-yet-slender figure. "Must you leave me like this? Without even - saying goodbye?

"It is better this way, my love," replied Studly Hunkalot, her manly-yet-sensitive lover, his luscious, golden locks rippling in the wind, almost as sexily as Wilhelmina's own. "For if your husband, the villainous Baron von Baron, were to learn of our secret passion, his great and mighty wrath would tear the kingdom asunder."

"Fly then, Sir Studly! But keep me always in your heart!"

"I will, dearest Wilhelmina! Always and forever!" And with a farewell flex of his glorious biceps, Sir Studly mounted his shining horse and rode off into the sunset.

The End

_

"Nicky!" screeched Mary Sue, alias Wilhelmina Welloved, from her monogrammed reclining chair in Limbo. "What have you got lined up for my next role, you nasty little troll?" Actually, Nicky's name was Betty, not Nicky, and she was a hobbit, not a troll, but she was also only a lowly PR manager so it wasn't like she mattered. Mary Sue tried to remember why she hated her manager so much, but decided it wasn't worth the bother. Betty sidled up beside her with a clipboard.

"Well, there's Jewel, a beautiful blonde heiress who needs a handsome man to love her for herself and not her money and win her over with the kindness of his heart and the size of his -"

"Nope."

"How about Tiger Lily, a lusty, sensual, Amazonian Queen who -"

"Nope."

"Petal, a -"

"Nope."

"Aurora -"

"Heard it."

"Elyana -"

"No, no and no! Boring! I'm so sick of these stupid romance novels!" Mary Sue wailed. "Why can't anyone recognize my awesome talent? I could totally be in, like, Romeo and Juliet or something. Wait, hang on - that's a book, right?" Mary Sue paused with a finger on her lips in total confusion, rant forgotten.

"Well, I'm sorry, Miss Sue, but there's not much else that caters to your - uh - unique... Oh, wait! There may be something." Betty flipped to the very back of her clipboard. "There appears to be an opening in Harry Potter -"

"Ohmigod, like, really?!"

"- fan fiction."

"Oh." Mary Sue pouted briefly, and then perked back up. "Well, at least it's not a romance. How soon can I start?"

"Right away, Miss Sue, but -"

"Well then what are you waiting for, you stupid, myopic toad?"

"There's something I think you should -"

"Nicky, if you don't stop talking in the next, like, five seconds, I am going to fire your ass."

"Okay, fine, but things might be -"

Harry Potter and the Beautiful, Mysterious Transfer Student from America

Chapter One

It was a dark and stormy night. Harry Potter's sixth year had just begun, and he and the other denizens of Hogwarts were seated in the Great Hall to watch the Sorting - not paying attention to the turbulent storm outside which obviously foreboded some sort of mysterious and magical goings-on.

Actually, being too cool for that sort of thing and largely engrossed in their own affairs, few students (except for the second years) paid any attention at all to the Sorting after the hat had finished its song. The second years, however, were watching the proceedings intently, giggling at the 'ickle firsties' who stumbled up, green with fright in most cases, to try on the Sorting Hat. This was mostly out of a sense of relief at not having to be first-years themselves.

The second-year giggles abruptly redoubled upon seeing a strange girl with long blonde hair. Not only was her name unbelievably stupid (even McGonagall stumbled over "Heartfire, Serena," and looked like she might be sick) but the blonde girl looked quite funny, standing some three heads taller than any of the students around her.

"Oh my God," whispered Dennis Creevey. "What kind of twisted parents would name their kid 'Serena Heartfire'? That's just asking for a heap of personal problems later on in life."

Serena Heartfire noticed these whispers, but assumed that they were because she was so ethereally beautiful and enigmatic. When her turn came to be Sorted, she tossed her mane of pale blonde hair over her shapely shoulder, and walked slowly forward in a way she fancied to be both mysterious and alluring.

Had she been looking in their direction, Serena might have noticed that most of the professors (and the more intelligent students) were gazing at her with looks of mingled disbelief and mild disgust. However, her attention was focused completely on the Sorting Hat.

'Well, now,' said a small voice in her ear when she had placed it gingerly (because she'd have to wash her hair, like, five times to get out all the bacteria and... unwashed hat-ness and stuff if it was actually, like, on her head) 'where shall I - '

"Okay hat boy, my stool, my rules, okay?" The Sorting Hat refrained with the utmost difficulty from pointing out that it wasn't, in fact, Serena's stool. It had just started to do this, actually, when Serena stuck out her hand (forgetting that the Hat couldn't see it) and said, "Just listen up, okay? Now obviously I have enough amazing qualities to be in any house I want, except, like, Hufflepuff, because you have to a loser to be there which I so am not. So the obvious first choice would be the uber-cool house, AKA Gryffindor, as I could, like, befriend the Trio and have all sorts of, like, adventures and stuff.

"But then, like, I could do the whole dark, brooding, mysterious thing and be in Slytherin, where all the hot guys are, and like, bring Draco to the side of good or something, and..."

About a half-hour later, Serena was still talking, and the Hat had endured more than it felt any piece of headwear could reasonably be expected to. It resolved to cut into Serena's monologue.

"... but on the other, other, other, other, hand, if I'm in Gryffindor, I could be like, this disappointment to my evil family and have to battle their influence of evilness, since I'm obviously pureblood - or wait, no, this fantastically talented Muggleborn - hang on, I can work this out..."

Seizing its opportunity while Serena tried to sort out her convoluted and unlikely backstory, the Hat interrupted desperately.

"In Merlin's name, Miss Heartfire, I don't care what house you're in! Just GO!"

Serena paused, her coral and ruby lips trembling in confusion. "But that's not how it's supposed to go! You're supposed to tell me that I'm brave and - brave and... stuff. Come on, you stupid hat!"

She ripped that hat from her head and kicked it in frustration, but it simply huddled, limp, on the floor, seriously contemplating suicide. It wasn't sure if that sort of thing was possible for a hat, but if it failed, it wasn't going to be for lack of trying.

Serena looked around the Hall, noticing for the first time that its occupants were shocked and somewhat frightened at her display of temper.

"Oh, uh... Gryffindor it is, then." She made another brief attempt at a mysterious and alluring walk as she went to the Gryffindor table, but even this could lift her mood. Serena Heartfire was beginning to feel like things weren't exactly going according to plan...

A/N: So... Any good? It's my first ever submission, so I'm rather hoping you all like it. Please review, regardless, or I'll cry. And NO ONE needs to see that, trust me.