Not in the Hands of Boys

Fourth Rose

Story Summary:
Once the final battle is won, life must go on, although it can be even harder to master than death. Back at Hogwarts for his final year of school, Harry tries to cope with everything he's been through. As the world around him struggles for a way back to normality, he is forced to realise that in the long run, living takes a lot more courage than dying.

Chapter 21 - Part 21

Posted:
03/14/2008
Hits:
3,339
Author's Note:
Thanks to cloudlessnights for betaing!


"You don't seriously expect me to answer that question, Malfoy, do you?"

Draco gave Harry a piercing look. "You can hardly blame me for being curious. I know why I don't want anyone to turn my brain inside out, but why on earth would everyone's darling saviour be so afraid of the truth that he'd rather ask me to brew fake Veritaserum for him? It's not as if Slughorn would have let anyone ask you about your wet dreams or something like that!"

For a moment, Harry felt as if his heart had stopped. He could only stare at Draco, painfully aware of the fact that his cheeks were burning crimson and his eyes were wide with shock. Of course, there was no way Draco could possibly know, he'd just said the first thing that had come to his mind to make Harry uncomfortable, but still -

Draco seemed rather perplexed by Harry's reaction, but before he could say anything, a sharp voice spoke up behind them, making them both jump.

"Fake Veritaserum? What are you talking about?"

Harry turned around slowly, already certain what he was going to see: Snape, eyes narrowed, was scowling at them from his portrait frame.

"Why are you back so soon?" Harry blurted out before he could think better of it. "You said you -"

"The Headmistress was busy," Snape replied curtly, "and don't try to dodge my question, Potter. What was Mr Malfoy referring to?"

"It's none of your business," Harry replied as coldly as he could. "It has nothing to do with your class, so -"

"Professor Slughorn made us brew and test Veritaserum, and Potter asked me to brew a variation that was indistinguishable from the real potion, but completely useless," Draco interrupted him calmly. For a second, Harry had to fight the urge to punch the traitorous little shit in the face, but now that the damage was already done, it wouldn't have accomplished anything.

To his surprise, Snape's expression turned thoughtful rather than angry. "Slughorn is an idiot to keep the Veritaserum testing on the curriculum at a time like this. I take it you managed to fool him?"

Draco nodded with the tiniest amount of smugness, obviously not quite sure himself yet what to make of Snape's reaction.

Snape clucked his tongue. "Quite impressive. I can see why Mr Potter would turn to you, since it was in your own best interest to keep your secrets. Which, of course, brings me to the question which secrets you are so desperate to keep, Potter."

Harry opened his mouth to tell Snape in no uncertain terms that he would get his answer when hell froze over - and closed it again when a thought struck him. No matter how much he still disliked Snape, there could be no doubt that the man had given his life to overcome Voldemort, and he might be the only person to know the Dark Lord even better than Dumbledore had. Perhaps it might really be a good idea to present him with a carefully edited version of the problem in order to hear what he had to say about it. Harry knew that he could always ask Dumbledore's portrait for advice instead, but ever since he'd gone back to review his memories from the night in the forest, he had felt reluctant to face Dumbledore again. Snape, at least, would never lie to him because he wanted to spare him a painful truth.

It didn't even occur to Harry to ask Draco to leave first, since he knew Draco could never tell anyone about this anyway. Draco had been the one to brew the fake potion, and even if there might be some repercussions for Harry if Slughorn were to find out, Harry definitely wouldn't be expelled for cheating so blatantly, but there was a good chance that Draco would.

"The memory you gave me before you died - how Dumbledore told you about that bit of Voldemort's soul inside mine. He said that it could only be destroyed by my death, remember?"

Snape's face darkened. "I'm not likely to ever forget. What about it?"

Harry took a deep breath. "I'm beginning to think that he might have been right."

Snape raised an eyebrow. "Meaning?"

"I didn't die, did I?" Harry tried to remain calm, but he couldn't help it that his voice shook a bit. "Dumbledore told me that Voldemort had killed the part of himself in my soul when he hit me with the Killing Curse, and how that had been enough. But lately I've begun wondering whether - whether he isn't still there."

"What makes you think so?" Snape's expression was deadpan.

"I feel like - like he's making me do things I shouldn't be able to do." In a way, it was a relief to finally voice his fears, even if it was Snape who was listening. "I first thought it was me, but now I found out that I can still speak Parseltongue - that was his ability, not mine, so I should no longer have it. And when - you know that I killed Greyback, don't you?"

Snape merely inclined his head, and Harry pressed on, "I never thought that I had it in me to cast the Killing Curse, but when I did - I mean, I didn't even think about it, it was as if I'd done it hundreds of times before, and it was - I felt it, I could feel him die, and it felt..."

"Good?" Snape asked with a hint of disgust, and Harry could just nod, his head bowed so that he wouldn't have to look Snape in the face. He knew Snape had done much worse, but Harry had seen firsthand how much he had hated it, while he -

Harry cast a sidelong glance at Draco, whose presence he had all but forgotten for a while, and was surprised to see that Draco looked thoughtful rather than taken aback. Had Draco known that Harry had been the last Horcrux? Only Snape could possibly have told him, and Harry wasn't sure how he felt about the fact that Draco apparently discussed him with Snape.

"So," Snape began slowly, "what you're saying is that you think the Dark Lord is still there, somewhere deep inside you."

Harry nodded once more and finally brought himself to look at Snape's portrait again. Snape's expression was hard to read, but there was disdain in it as well as concern.

"You're horrified that you are able to kill - an ability which, I might add, you only discovered after the war, during which scores of other people have killed for your sake." The familiar sneer was back when Snape continued, "Gryffindors have always been very good at making others do the dirty work for them while keeping themselves pristine. So you'd rather blame the Dark Lord instead of facing the possibility that you aren't quite the saint you always believed yourself to be?"

"This isn't about me!" Harry exploded. "Don't you get it? I can still talk to snakes! Don't you see what could happen if he's really still there, inside me, growing stronger all the time? What makes you so sure he's not going to take over at some point?"

Snape let the outbreak pass; he seemed deep in thought. "I suspect there's a lot you're not telling me, Potter, but I still can't deny that it would be dangerous to dismiss the possibility that you're right. The Dark Lord has been nothing if not resourceful when it came to self-preservation, so there is always a chance that he might have tricked death once again."

Harry squared his shoulders; now that the danger had been addressed, it somehow became easier to focus on the question of how to overcome it. "Is there a way to tell for certain?"

"Legilimency would be the best solution if I were still alive," Snape replied. "The Dark Lord has invaded my mind many times, so I know what it feels like to come in contact with him."

"You never noticed him while you were reading my thoughts," Harry pointed out; as expected, this earned him a dirty look from the portrait.

"That's because any trace of his presence I detected in your mind back then I ascribed to the connection you shared with him in your dreams. It doesn't matter anyway; I'm just a portrait with no magical ability, so that option is no longer available. Everyone else who has been in contact with the Dark Lord's mind is either dead or on the run, except -"

Snape was no longer looking at Harry, but at Draco, who was leaning against the wall and had gone very pale at Snape's last words. There was dead silence for a moment; then Draco said in a surprisingly small voice, "Except my father."

* * *

Harry found Luna and Hermione studying at the same desk in the library, which suited him perfectly since there was a question he wanted to ask both of them.

He sat down next to Luna and, after checking carefully that Madam Pince wasn't around,

kissed her on the cheek. It earned him an indulgent smile from Hermione and a brilliant one from Luna, which lifted his spirits a bit in spite of the storm that was raging inside him.

"Can you two help me with something? I have to write an essay on magical secret-keeping for Snape, but I'm a bit stuck."

"Yes, of course." The expression on Hermione's face, a mixture of eagerness and superiority, took Harry right back to their early school years and made him almost nostalgic for a moment. In hindsight, those had been the happiest years of his life, even with the threat of Voldemort constantly hanging over his head.

"I have to find a way to get help from a person I don't trust, in a situation that forces me to give them information they could use against me. I've been thinking of Memory Charms, but..."

"Memory Charms can be broken," Hermione interrupted him. "Besides, it would be very difficult to make them forget exactly the things you don't want them to know. Wait a moment, I'm going to look up some-"

"An Unbreakable Vow." Now it was Luna's turn to interrupt Hermione. She was chewing on her quill with a vacant expression, but her tone was all business. "Make the person swear beforehand never to disclose the information, and never to act based upon it. Solves all your problems."

Hermione seemed a bit miffed, but she nodded. "That's probably a good solution, yes. If the person agrees to take the oath, they die if they break it, so there's no risk for you involved. I'll see if I -"

Luna cut her off for the second time. "There's a book on Unbreakable Vows in the section about Magical Bonding." She took the quill from her mouth and pointed it at a shelf three rows away. "I don't remember the author, but I think it was bound in green leather. I'm sure you'll find everything you need in there."

Despite the severity of the situation, Harry had to bite back a grin as he got up. "I'll go look for it, thank you."

* * *

Draco's blond hair shone like a beacon in the darkness when Harry spotted him at the end of the corridor. He was leaning against the wall, staring straight ahead as if he had fallen asleep with his eyes open while waiting for Harry. He startled violently when Harry shrugged off his Invisibility Cloak next to him, but recovered quickly. "About time, Potter. Come with me."

"Where are we going?" Harry asked in a low voice as he set out to follow Draco down a flight of stairs that led to the dungeons. Snape's message had just let him know that an arrangement had been made, but it hadn't given him any details.

"Professor Snape's former quarters," Draco replied curtly. "My father will be able to get there via Floo, since the fireplace is spelled to operate past any existing wards. Snape told me the password to his study, and there's a picture frame in his study that he can use."

Harry nodded; he wasn't sure how he felt about the fact that Snape had insisted on being present the whole time while Harry met with Lucius Malfoy. Agreeing had been the only way to get him to arrange the meeting and to keep it secret from the Headmistress. Harry didn't want anyone to know as long as it wasn't absolutely necessary; if Lucius Malfoy confirmed his worst suspicions tonight, there would be no way to keep it to himself anyway. There still was one question he had no answer for, though.

"Malfoy, why is your father doing this? And why did you agree to help?"

Draco turned to face Harry, but it was too dark to see his expression. "Second thoughts, Potter? It's a bit late for that."

"I'm not asking because I'm getting cold feet," Harry hissed back. "I just don't understand why -"

"You think that my father wants the Dark Lord to return?" Draco's tone was cold, but there was unmistakeable anger underneath. "Or that I do?"

The question brought back memories of the emotions mirrored in Lucius Malfoy's face when Voldemort had told him that Draco's death would be his punishment. "No, I just -"

"Then shut up and come on." Draco turned away and quickened his pace, and Harry, seething, had no choice but to follow him.

He kept one hand over his trouser pocket, making sure that the little glass bottle was still safe there. The concept of allowing Lucius Malfoy a glimpse into his mind was revolting enough, but there were a few things that Harry would never let him see even if his life depended on it. Therefore, he'd spent most of the evening carefully extracting very specific memories and storing them in the bottle. Every dream he could still recall that had featured a flash of blond was now hidden away there, although Harry had to live with the uncertainty whether there were dreams he no longer remembered lost somewhere in his subconscious. It had been particularly tricky to separate the memory of Greyback's death from the events right afterwards - the former was probably crucial for determining whether Voldemort's soul wasn't completely gone, while Harry would never allow Lucius Malfoy to see the latter.

Now that he thought about it, Harry found it strange that Draco didn't seem worried about his father seeing that particular incident, since he doubted Lucius would be thrilled to find out about Draco's role in it. With a sudden flicker of malice, he asked, "If there's anything I know about you that you'd rather not want your father to see, Malfoy, now's the time to tell me."

It was a lie, of course; it was much too late to do anything about it now, but Harry couldn't help being curious about Draco's reaction.

Draco stopped in front of a heavy wooden door and raised his wand. "Necrotelicomnicon!"

The door sprang open, light spilling into the corridor. Draco turned towards Harry, and Harry recognised the familiar sneer on his face when he said, "There's nothing you know about me that I need to hide from my father. Go in, they're waiting for you."

Bracing himself, Harry stepped over the threshold; he heard the heavy door fall shut as soon as Draco had followed him.

* * *

Harry wasn't sure whether to find the way Lucius Malfoy carried himself infuriating or impressive. The man certainly had poise; he sat in the heavy wooden chair next to the fireplace as if he were a king overlooking his dominion instead of a former Death Eater who had avoided a life sentence in Azkaban by a hair's breadth. Harry wasn't fooled, of course; he'd seen a very different Lucius Malfoy just a few months ago, and he wasn't likely to ever forget it.

Snape's face was glowering out of a picture frame on the mantelpiece; Harry wondered for a moment what kind of picture the frame had held while the professor had been alive. Snape indicated the second chair with a move of his head. "Sit down, Potter, there's no time to waste."

Harry slowly lowered himself into the chair, his eyes never leaving Lucius'. "I suppose you already know what this is about?"

It cost him some effort to address the man in a neutral fashion; he'd seen his cold grey eyes through the slits in a Death Eater mask while he was duelling Voldemort, had fought him in the Department of Mysteries, and Ginny had almost died because of him. There was nothing to be done about it now, though; better to focus on the memory of the Malfoys embracing their son after the battle. The realisation that even a man like Lucius Malfoy was able to act like a human being on occasion made it easier to deal with the fact that Harry needed him right now.

Lucius raised an eyebrow. "Good evening to you too, Mr Potter. I have indeed been informed of what you're asking of me, and I'm willing to perform the service you require. Before we can get started, however, you will have to give me what I'm asking in return."

He turned towards Draco, who was still standing next to the door and seemed a bit uncertain what to do with himself. "Draco, please wait outside for a moment, there's something Mr Potter and I need to discuss in private."