What Characters Do Between Books: The Casting Call

Scene: The Black family home; Ron is lying on the sofa staring up at the ceiling; Hermione is sitting at his feet reading a book. Harry is on the floor with Padfoot, trying to teach him a new trick.)

Harry: Good boy! Hold it! Hold it! Okay!

(Padfoot flips the dog treat off of his muzzle, flings it into the air, and snatches it with his mouth)

Padfoot: Oh, that was fun! Can we do it again, Harry? Let's do it again! Can we do it again?

Ron: What's the word on the new book, Harry?

Padfoot: Will I still be a dog, Harry? I like being a dog! Want to play catch? Let's play catch!

Harry: Nothing more, Ron, just the title. C'mon, Padfoot, want to have a run in the garden?

Padfoot: Outside! I like outside! Can I chase the squirrels? I want to chase the squirrels!

(Harry lets Padfoot out and returns to find Ron and Hermione arguing)

Ron: I'll be we get together in the next one.

Hermione (airily): I'm not so certain of that.

Ron: What? Why?

Hermione: I have a feeling I'm going to date Viktor Krum again.

Ron (annoyed): You'd better not! We've already had sex! I don't want you having to kiss that gimpy bloke!

Hermione: Ron! Viktor doesn't gimp.

Ron: He most certainly does! Tell her, Harry. That's what happens when you can't get the broom unstuck from your arse.

Hermione: Well, there's no point in getting angry with me, Ron. I have nothing to do with it. But you might think about petitioning the author to make you sound like less of an arrogant git, and have her let you woo me a little.

Ron: I wooed you! I wooed you, plenty!

Hermione: In the book, Ronald!

(Harry is relieved when he hears a knock on the front door)

Harry: Hey, we've got company! (Gets up and goes into the foyer)

Mrs. Black's portrait: (singing) Go away mud-blood scum (to the tune of Go Away Little Girl)

(Harry opens the front door to find an extremely large bat hovering on the doorstep)

Harry: Er...may I help you?

Bat: (in heavily accented Romanian) Haf I found the Black residence?

Harry: Yes, this is the Black house.

Bat: And are you Harry Potter?

Harry: That's me.

(Bat transforms into a very tall, very pale, dark-haired man wearing a long black cloak lined in red-silk. He is overly enthusiastic in his use of hair pomade and has very white, very sharp teeth. Harry looks stunned)

Bat: Good evening, I am Vlad. Vlad the Impaler, but you may call me Drac. There is no need for formality between us since we will be vorking together very closely.

Harry: We will?

Vlad: Yes, of course. I have come to get acquainted with you because ve vill share the title of your next book. I am the Have Blood Prince."

Harry: Oh. I see. Well, uh...Drac, why don't you come on in, I think we need to discuss this.

Vlad: I thought you vould never ask! Oh! I luff what you haf done vith the place! You must give to me the name of your decorator!

Mrs. Black's portrait: Finally! Someone visits who has taste! Melvin the Malevolent built and decorated this house for my great-great-great-great grandfather in-law, Eustace Black.

Vlad: Charming, simply charming. It reminds me of my keep in Bulgravia...

Harry: Drac, why don't you step into the living room here with me, these are my friends, Ron and Hermione. Guys, this is um...Drac.

Ron: Wicked!

Hermione: EEK!

Harry: Ron, Hermione, um...Drac is under the impression that the title of the next book is Harry Potter and the Have Blood Prince. Of course, he would be playing the Have Blood Prince part.

Ron: (laughing) Oy, mate! You've got it all wrong! It's Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Hermione: (elbows Ron, muttering under breath) Don't taunt the unholy Dark Prince, Ron! Whatever is the matter with you! (Louder) Your highness! I'm so pleased to meet you!

(Vlad turns on Harry, looking dismayed)

Vlad: This is true? I haff made a misunderstanding? But, how could this happen? I must speak to my agent immediately. (He whips a cell-phone out of his cape and furiously punches in the numbers) Hello? Igor? Igor, you imbecile! There is no need for a Have Blood Prince! No! How could you be so stupid? And what will we do for money now? I don't know! I haven't had any work since Van Helsing! What's that? Yes, that is a good question. I vill ask it. Yes, you can count on my torturing you later, you humpbacked fool!

(Vlad closes the phone, places it back in his cape and turns on Ron, Hermione and Harry)

Vlad: Igor wishes to know, who is going to play the Half-Blood Prince? (Harry shrugs)

Ron: Well, it's got to be Harry, doesn't it? He's the most obvious half-blood, or I dunno, maybe Voldemort.

Hermione: I don't think so, Ron.

Ron: It's got to be one of them, Hermione. Who else could it be? Besides the second half of the title of every book is always something that Harry and Voldemort both want. We help Harry get whatever it is, we go home happy on the train, and Voldemort slinks away to torment us again another day. That's how every book goes!

Hermione (frowning): Well, there's a point, Ron. But why would Voldemort, or Harry, want with a poncy royal chap? Doesn't make sense.

Ron: (rolling his eyes) They don't want the prince, Hermione! They want his crown! His title! So they can rule the magical world!

Harry: I most certainly do not want to rule the magical world! She'd better not make me prince! As if I don't have enough troubles as it is...

(Someone knocks on the door. Again, Harry is relieved to go answer it. He opens the door to reveal Voldemort)

Voldemort: Harry, dear boy! I've got us two free movie passes! What would you like to see tonight? I've heard the Incredibles is very good...

Harry: (shaking his head) I'm afraid we can't leave just yet, Voldemort. We've got a problem. Just how much do you know about the Half-Blood Prince?

(Harry and Voldemort walk into the living room together while Harry explains what's been going on, he pauses to introduce Drac)

Voldemort: Vlad.

Vlad: Vold.

Harry: You two know one another?

(Vlad and Voldemort eye one another suspiciously with ill-concealed dislike)

Vlad: Let us say; ve move in some of the same circles.

Voldemort: Yes, let's say that. Suppose I'll be seeing you at Captain Hook's holiday bash, Vlad?

Vlad: But, of course. I vouldn't miss it.

Harry: Voldemort, I've been explaining to Drac here that he won't be included in the next book. But he's asked a good question, and we're all wondering: Who is the Half-Blood Prince?

Voldemort: Why, it must be me, Harry. My followers do call me "My Lord", and that's the most common royal title.

Harry: But, Ron pointed out that the last half of every book title always refers to an object of contention between us. You know, something both of us want. Like the Philosopher's Stone, you wanted immortality. I wanted to save the world. We both wanted to get inside the Chamber of Secrets. You wanted to unleash the monster. I wanted to destroy it. We both wanted the cup in the Tri-wizard tournament; I wanted to prove that I could win the prize. You wanted it to capture and torture me...

Voldemort: (huffily) Oh, really now, Harry. You've got me on the immortality thing, I admit. And I did unleash the monster, but it's terribly unsporting of you to keep bringing up the torture. I've said 'sorry' haven't I? And you know I wanted you to do well in that tournament! Why, when you Accioed that cup and disappeared right under my nose...(Voldemort sniffs, takes out his hankie and wipes his eyes) I was so p-p-proud of y-y-ou, Harry! (Voldemort starts to bawl)

Harry: Now, Voldemort, I didn't mean it like that...

(Another knock on the door, Harry, as relieved as he's been, yet, excuses himself to answer it. A tall young-man with dark skin, wearing baggy trousers, a backwards baseball cap and very dark sunshades, is standing on the doorstep)

Harry: Yes?

Young Man: Yo-Yo! I'm lookin' for Harree Pot-ter.

Harry: That's me.

Young Man: Dude! I'm in your next book, Harry Potter and The Fresh Blood Prince. My name is Will.

Harry: (groans) Come on in.

Mrs. Blacks portrait: Ahhh! Get out! Out I say! Not only is it a muggle, it's an American muggle! Put him out of my house! Oh! When will it end! The indignity! The disgrace!

(Will and Harry go into the living room)

Harry: Uh, Will, I'd like you meet my friends, Ron and Hermione. This creepy looking fellow over here is my lethal enemy, Voldemort. And, of course, this is the unholy Prince of Darkness, Dracula. Everyone, this is Will, the Fresh Blood Prince.

Will: Wha's up?

Voldemort: How do you do?

Ron and Hermione: Hey.

Dracula: Good Evening.

Harry: Now, why don't we all have a seat and try to sort this mess out...oh, wait a second, I think I hear another knock on the door.

(This time Harry opens the door to reveal Mickey Mouse, dressed in a flowing purple cape and wearing a crown between his ears)

Mickey: Hiya, Harry! Boy, am I excited to be working with you!

Harry: Mickey! Wow, it's great to see you and everything, but...well, you know all the rights have already been sold to Warner Brothers.

Mickey: (waves that away with a large white four-fingered hand) I know that! I'm talking about the new book! Harry Potter and the Prince and the Pauper! You've seen me in that, haven't you?

Harry: Well...yes, of course. Voldemort and I rented it the other night. But, Mickey, I think there's been a mistake. You aren't playing the prince.

Mickey: What! They'd rather have Goofy? I need to speak to my agent. (Mickey whips out a cell-phone) Hello? Donald? Listen, Donald, you screwed up again. Don't you throw a fit on me! No! Stop it! Don't do that on the phone! Now listen, Donald, you need to get Goofy on a plane...

Harry: Mickey, Mickey, wait! That's not what I meant...

Mickey: Hold on, Donald. What is it, Harry?

Harry: None of you Disney guys are ever going to be in the books. I'm sorry. Say, would you like to come in and have a piece of a cheese or something?

(Harry and Mickey walk into the living room)

Harry: Everyone, you all know, Mickey Mouse, right? There was just a small misunderstanding...

Voldemort: Mickey! Oh, how I wish we were working with you! Tell me, how is Cruella Deville? I haven't spoken to her in ages.

Will: Damn! This place is creepy!

Vlad: Really? Do you think so? And I was just thinking how vonderful it is! Goodness! Is that a genuine stuffed elf head mounted on the wall! Fabulous! (Vlad and Will stroll over to examine the stuff elf heads)

(Another knock on the door. Harry excuses himself and opens it to find two youngish men standing on the doorstep. They are wearing medieval style clothing. One of them has an ornate sword strapped to his waist. They are quarreling vociferously)

"Thou art a misbegotten elf-skinned flirt gill!"

"Thou art a lily-livered wagtail!"

"Oh, yeah? Thou art pigeon livered and lack gall!

"Oh, thou loathed issue of thy father's loins! Methinks I ought to skewer thou here and now!"

Harry: Uh...excuse me, guys? Would you mind taking the renaissance festival elsewhere? I'm kinda busy right now.

(Turning as one they look at Harry in surprise and speak as one as well)

"Art thou, Harry Potter? I am the Half-Blood Prince!"

"What! How dare'st thou? Draw thy tool! My naked weapon is out!"

"Thy puny dismal-dreaming vassal! How dare'st thou threaten me, thy liege lord?"

Harry: (holding up his wands) Whoa! Hang on there! You! Give me that sword! That's right, hand it over, nice and easy now. All right. Who the hell are you two?

"I am Gryffindor!"

"Slytherin, here."

Harry: (calling into the living room) Uh...Voldemort? I think our problem just got worse.

(Harry invites Gryffindor and Slytherin into the house. Mrs. Black's portrait takes one look at Slytherin, gasps with delight and drops right off the wall; face down onto the carpet. Slytherin is careful to trod heavily on the back of her portrait, and groans of delight can be heard issuing from underneath. Voldemort, in a familial frenzy, throws himself into Slytherin's arms.)

Voldemort: Great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great Grandfather! Oh, I can't tell you how delighted I am to meet you!

Slytherin to Gryffindor: Who the hell is the snake-faced chap?

Harry: (interceding quickly to spare Voldemort's sensitive feelings) Why, don't you recognize your own heir? This is Voldemort!

(Gryffindor eyes Harry speculatively)

Harry: Don't look at me! I'm not anybody's heir!

Ron and Hermione: Not yet, you're not!

Slytherin to Voldemort: What hast thy mother done to thee lad? Oh! Misbegotten heirs! Have thee been lying with the serpent?

Gryffindor (snorts with laughter) Bad luck old chap. Looks as though your line has gone downhill a bit. My heir, on the other hand...(He smiles fondly at Harry, who holds his hands up and backs away)

Harry: I am not your heir!

Gryffindor: Thou holdeth my sword in thy hand!

(Harry hands the sword back and wipes his hands off on his trouser leg)

Harry: Listen mate, cool sword and all and I appreciate the loan, but I am not...

Vlad: Vell, ve can see we are not needed here. Will, Micky, would you care to accompany me to the Pig n' Whistle for a Bloody Mary?"

Will: Uh, yeah, sure thing, Drac, but I'll have a beer if it's all the same to you.

Mickey: Okey-Dokey, Drac. Do you think they serve cheese?

(Mickey, Drac, and Will depart, leaving Voldemort, Harry, Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hermione and Ron)

Ron: Quick, Harry. Send an owl to Ms. Rowling. She's got to clear this mess up for us, fast.

Hermione: (doubtfully) I don't know if it will do much good, Ron. She hasn't replied to any of Harry's other requests. He still has those dorky looking National Health specs. You and he still talk like eleven-year-olds, and I don't know if I've grown breasts and they're just hidden beneath the robe, or if she's forgotten about them entirely....

(There's a knock at the door. Harry, slumped on the sofa with his head in his hands looks up woefully at Ron."

Harry: Ron, I...I just can't answer it. Will you get it for me, please?

Ron: Sure thing mate!

(Voldemort is crying because Slytherin is disappointed in his appearance. Gryffindor and Slytherin are engaged in a scuffle in the middle of the room because Gryffindor said Voldemort was: A blubbering unchin-snouted scut. Harry feels like crying, too. Ron comes dashing back into the room)

Ron (gasping for air) Harry! Harry! Come quick! It's Hagrid and Colin Creevey! They're arguing over which one of them is going to be the Half-Blood Prince! Colin's just tripped Hagrid with his camera strap and Hagrid's landed on a double decker bus!

Harry (thinking) I need a vacation. When this series is over, I'm done with show business!